Chapter Twenty-Two: i never thought they'd get me here
Elena's eyes say not to yell when she finds Elijah. He doesn't say anything, rather, picks up Caroline and dashes to the RV where his brother has packed up most of their supplies.
"I can walk just fine," Caroline mutters under her breath.
"Of course you can," he says," you just choose not to."
She rolls her eyes. And so what? Is she not capable of making her own decisions? What, because she's pregnant now? She has to be extra careful? Because she's now an even bigger liability? Moments ago she was terribly sad and depressed; on the verge of suicidal, but now…now she's just angry. Livid. It takes two to tango so why is she dealing with this by herself? Where's her partner in crime? Is his ego too bruised that he simply cannot bear to face consequences for their actions?
Caroline doesn't express her distaste verbally. Silently she seethes, not even wincing when Elijah plucks out bits of glass from her skin and then cleans off her wounds with alcohol. She sits with her brow furrowed and her lips pressed into a tight, firm line as Elijah wraps her arms and hands in clean bandages, murmuring how it's still not her fault and that it never was. He says that his brother will get over it. He's in a bad place because he wasn't expecting to bring up a baby and in this world nonetheless. He will get over it. But when? Elijah doesn't say.
Caroline knows that different people have their way of dealing with things. Like when her parents got a divorce. While Caroline wallowed in her pity for a bit, her mother kept herself occupied with her work and with Caroline whenever she could. Eventually, Caroline moved on. Liz moved on. They both seemed to bounce back from the turmoil that was their family and that was it. Bill was rarely ever mentioned aside from a quick joke here and there, expressing their mutual dislike for the guy. They dealt with Bill's absence differently and moved past it, but Caroline can't seem to point her finger on how this pregnancy will work between her and Nik.
Is it an obstacle for them? Is it merely just a hurdle they have to leap over for the next few months? Scratch that, years? Because raising a child doesn't just stop once the kid can form a complete sentence. It doesn't end when one of them teaches it how to aim and shoot to kill. It won't ever end. It's a never-ending journey; a journey that they will never be prepared for. Caroline doesn't want to have a baby either and she probably will never be over the shock and terror of it all, but if this is what she has to do, then it's time to woman up. It's time to deal with it.
She always knew something was wrong with her in the back of her mind. Some mornings she woke up and rushed to the bathroom, claiming that it was something she ate and didn't agree with her. That's what she believed, honestly. How was she supposed to know that a baby was growing inside her, making her wretch a couple times a week? It was malnourishment, she thought. Her body was rejecting everything she ate for some reason. In a way, she had accepted this as a way of slowly dying. It was a cruel and unusual punishment for sure, but these things happened. It was karma. She'd done enough bad things in her life to deserve this, hadn't she? Wishing death on Matt and Rebekah for weeks sure seemed like a good enough reason.
"I vote Nik off the island," Rebekah sings as she shuffles into the RV, two boxes stacked on top of each other in her hands. "He's finally lost it. What happened to you?" she asks, watching the strange scene in front of her.
Caroline shrugs. "I got in a fight with some mirrors. They won."
Rebekah's eyes go wide. "Christ, Caroline! Were you trying to…you know…" she doesn't dare finish that thought. It's too gruesome to even say.
"No, I—no," Caroline tells the three of them because it's much easier than saying yes. "I just wanted to hit something and I saw my reflection…"
The peanut gang sighs, but they don't believe her for one bit. However, it's best not to question her any further while she's still vulnerable.
"What's this about our brother and an island?" Elijah asks, opening up the boxes that Rebekah has brought.
She flops down on the miniature couch. "He's so fucking delusional that he's blaming Kol's death on me." She crosses her legs tightly at the knees and leans her head back. What she wouldn't give for a beer right about now. "I think he's so afraid of becoming our father that he's completely bypassed the fact that he already has."
"Niklaus is nothing like Mikael, Rebekah," Elijah defends.
Rebekah leans over, resting her elbows on her knee and cradling her chin in her hands. "But isn't he?" She looks to Caroline. "He blames this pregnancy on you. That's why he won't see you." She looks to Elijah. "That's what Mikael used to do to Mum. When something went wrong, it was her fault. Her's or Nik's. And Nik has grown up blaming Mikael for everything, yeah? And this time, we replace Mikael. We're Nik's scapegoats."
Elijah shakes his head. "Niklaus is just under stress like we all are. He just needs time, Rebekah. Give him a chance. He didn't mean it."
She scoffs and throws her head back in humorless laughter. "Oh no, Eli, he meant it. You didn't see the look in his eyes." They were wild. Animalistic. Primal. Monstrous. "He believed every word of it."
Caroline swallows and drops her head, stopping herself from running her bandaged hands through her thin hair. This isn't good, she thinks. Not good at all.
"We aren't leaving our brother here," Elijah states firmly. "I don't care what he said to you, Rebekah, but you must get over it. He's our brother and we remain together."
Rebekah shakes her head in protest. "He is no brother of mine," his sister snaps. "And if you had any sense for yourself, then you would agree with me."
An awkward silence passes between the two. Caroline gazes back and forth at them whilst Elena stands awkwardly by the door, trying to figure out whether she should just leave or not.
"Where are we going anyway?" Caroline asks, breaking the silence. "No one's told me anything since you got back. It's the middle of the night anyway. You can't be serious about leaving right now."
Elijah rubs a hand across his tired face. "We're being kicked out."
Caroline tilts her head. "Stefan?"
Elijah nods.
"Well, if you explain our situation then—"
"It isn't that simple, Caroline," he cuts her off. "There's…it's more complicated than you think."
She purses her lips "Care to elaborate?"
"No." Elena is standing by, her ears eager to listen, so he won't say another word about it. If she is in fact coming along with them, then it's best that she doesn't know the truth yet. Maybe not ever. "Either way, the sooner we leave the better. If at night, then so be it. It'll be day by the time we make it to Rhode Island."
"But traveling in the dark? Elijah, it'll be much safer to just leave in the morning. We don't know what's out there."
"She's right," Rebekah adds. "We'll need our rest if we'll be traveling for however many hours. There could be roadblocks and we'd have to find detours…"
"I know the risks, but—"
"Maybe I can convince Stefan to let us stay for a few the night," Elena speaks up. "He'll do it if I ask." She doesn't wait for a response and just trots off, an agenda on her mind.
Once she's gone, Caroline questions Elijah on what he's so firm on hiding, but he doesn't let up. Caroline doesn't need to know either. What happened outside in the streets of Baltimore will stay there. He won't bring it up again. He won't even think about it. To take his mind off of the matter, he starts unloading the boxes Rebekah has brought and placing the supplies in cabinets and storage bins. They don't have a lot: a few bars of soap, four rolls of toilet paper, a half-filled container of disinfectant wipes, and some bandages and alcohol. For food they have ten bottles and a few cans of vegetables, beans, and fruit. They just might starve out there. But Elijah tries not to think that way. It could be worse—so much worse. Positive thoughts make for a positive outcome.
The door to the RV bursts open and Caroline's eyes light up, expecting to see Elena with good news, but that's not what it is. It's the complete opposite actually. In walks Nik, his eyes honing in on her and her bandages and she swears she sees something tick in him. Like a bomb just went off on the inside and it's only a matter of seconds before he explodes in front of her. She hugs herself in a feeble attempt to hide them, wishing that she had changed her shirt; to somewhat hide the bandages and pretend that her own blood isn't smeared across her chest and abdomen.
"We need to talk," he says and Rebekah hops up.
"You're not saying a word to her," Rebekah tells him bitterly. "You can take your sorry ar—"
"No," Caroline interrupts, standing up. "It's okay, Bekah." She turns to Nik and bites her lip, pointing to the door. "Outside."
She hadn't thought about what she was going to say or how she was going to say. Actually, she didn't really know what to say. She doesn't owe him an apology. If she owes anyone anything, then it's herself. She should apologize to her body for letting this happen. She doesn't owe Nik anything. Not at all.
"What did you do?" he asks her, grabbing her arms. He turns them over, fingering the bandages that are so tightly wrapped around her skin.
"It doesn't matter," she responds, snatching them away and hugging herself again.
"What did you do?" He's trying to be menacing, but she's dealt with Nik and his temper tantrums for over almost three months now and she's not going to be so easily swayed this time. How about what did he do? Could nothing be the answer? While she cried and hated herself, where was he? Making his sister's life a living nightmare? Feeling sorry for himself?
"Whether you choose to believe it or not," she begins, shooting back the same venom and glare, "the world doesn't revolve around you. So maybe for once in your life, you can stop acting like such a selfish little prick and take some responsibility. You can hate me all you want—I don't really care—but what you're not going to do is place all the weight on me."
Nik parts his lips to speak, but Caroline won't let him. She's fired up—angry and heartbroken. She loves him so much—she would literally do anything for him—and this is how he repays her. As if she is so disposable and nothing of importance? After all they've been through, the tears and honesty and consolation—it means nothing to him now? Because of a tiny slipup?
"Did you ever stop and think that maybe I wanted to see you when I found out?"
"Wasn't what you needed," he says.
"And who are you to decide what I need, Nik?" She throws up her hands, completely at a loss. What, now she can't make her own decisions? Since when? Who came to this conclusion?
"Caroline, if you would just shut your mouth for one sec—"
"I'm through with listening! That's all I've been doing since we've been together, Nik! Follow, follow, follow! Listen, listen, listen! I'm done! Finished! We're doing this my way from now on."
Her way? Ha. Funny. Hilarious. "We did things your way by going to the cemetery and almost died, Caroline. Or did you somehow manage to forget?"
"But we didn't, did we? Because your brother came and saved the day just like he's always been doing."
"Don't make this about me," he snarls.
"Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't realize you wanted to talk about someone other than yourself!"
What happened between them, Caroline asks herself. They were at such a good place—a loving place—and this happens. She wants to take it back and he would do anything for it not to be so, but right now in this moment, neither of them knows where they stand. There is anger and irrationality and rashness. Nik is so desperate to put this at the back of his mind—wishing it weren't true and for a time machine to magically appear in front of him—and Caroline only wants to move forward. They are here and there is no sense in bringing things to a stalemate.
No, it hasn't even been a day since they found out. Yes, it will take time to adjust, but she can't think of a better time to start. What did she say to him when they first met? If they don't stick together, then neither of them will survive? It applies not just out in the world running from zombies, but for this too. Neither of them will make it if they don't work together on this. She's willing to give up having him as a "boyfriend" (which sounds sort of weird to say when referring to him) or whatever he ever was to her because there isn't time for romance. There never was to begin with and it was stupid to let it get that far. For now, everything has to be about the baby. There is no Caroline. There is no Nik. There is only a baby and whether one or both of them survives through this, all differences must be put aside for the child. Always.
But Caroline will always love him. There's not a thing he can do or say to her to stop that.
"Stefan said we could stay for the night," Elena's voice rings as she nears with Jeremy close behind, "but as soon as dawn breaks we have to leave."
"There is no we," Nik says, his face twisting into anger.
"She's my best friend and if she wants to come," Caroline growls, "then she's coming."
"To have more mouths to feed? To put your life in more jeopardy than it already is?" Nik honestly doesn't get her. She wants to bring along her "friends" who left her in town? They didn't search for her. They saw a chance to leave and they took it, disregarding the fact that Caroline could have been stranded or hurt. All of this and Caroline just dismisses it as if it's nothing?
But Nik doesn't say anything after that. He chooses to hold his tongue and walk away, bearing the largest chip imaginable on his shoulder. If Caroline wants to bring along a few children with them, then so be it. At this point, he is apathetic towards any and everything. What is the point anymore? He's been fighting to live practically since birth. There's only so much fighting a man can do before they just give up.
Caroline never got to say goodbye to her mother nor her father. She didn't get to say goodbye to her friends before they left her in Mystic Falls and she didn't get to say goodbye to Nik and Rebekah before the tunnel blew up. Caroline doesn't have any experience in goodbyes. It is quite a foreign thing to her. Before, she always wished that she could have gotten to say them—recite the final words she would've said—but now that the situation is right in front of her face, she doesn't know what to do. It's strange.
The sun has just begun to crack and Stefan has hoisted up the overhead door. Elijah is behind the wheel in the RV with Nik in the passenger seat and Rebekah inside somewhere. Elena hugs Bonnie first and tells her good luck. It's not a tearful goodbye, though. All the tears have been cried and friendships must end. It's time for a different phase of life, a change of scenery. Elena's been stuck in this place for what seems like years and even if the world outside has gone to shit, nothing can compare to the feeling of sun on her skin. And if there is a chance of a better life somewhere in the North, then she'll go for it.
Bonnie doesn't want to go. She likes Stefan and doesn't want to live with the fact that he's rotting away in a warehouse in Baltimore because everyone has left him. He has no family left, she has no family left; what other reason does she need not to stay? Here Bonnie is safe and there is food left for her and Stefan at least for another week. They can find nourishment somewhere else, she convinces herself. She's smart and Stefan's smart; they'll figure it out.
Caroline hugs Bonnie tightly and tells her how much she loves her and that they'll see each other again one day because they most definitely will, but they both know they won't. Maybe if there's a heaven or hell or wherever they end up in the afterlife, but in this life? Not likely. Tears prick at the corners of Caroline's eyes and she almost thinks to inform Bonnie about her newfound discovery, but it's probably for the best that she doesn't. It won't change anything for the better—perhaps make them worse and more painful.
Stefan pulls Caroline aside before they're about to leave and Caroline watches Jeremy give his emotional goodbye to Bonnie and he's shaking and it takes literally every ounce of self-control in Caroline not to cry along with them, but then she remembers that Stefan is here and his face is solemn and he's saying something about Damon and she wants to pass out.
"What?" she asks because literally everything Stefan says is gibberish.
"I don't know what happened between you and Damon," he repeats slowly, "but he wanted me to tell you he was sorry."
"Sorry." It's weird on her tongue. It tastes like saltwater taffy dipped in peanut butter. Damon…sorry? Damon Salvatore…the Damon Salvatore…sorry? No. Sorry for what? Leading her on and treating her like certified dirt? Sorry for that? Oh, that's sweet. It's nice and thanks but no thanks. She was fine without an apology and she'll be fine without it for the rest of her life.
"Take it or leave it," Stefan remarks flippantly. "I don't care either way."
She forces a smile. "Thank you…Stefan. Take care of yourself."
Stefan forces a smile right back, but it's weak and lopsided. "You too."
Caroline waits by the door of the RV for Elena to join her. They link arms when she comes over, her face droopy and dim. They watch as Jeremy kisses Bonnie slowly and surprisingly she doesn't pull away. Then Stefan talks to him for a moment before they part with a firm backslap and Jeremy joins the two girls.
In the RV, Jeremy heads straight to the bathroom and locks himself up. Caroline takes a seat beside Rebekah on the couch and leans her head on Rebekah's shoulder and Rebekah bops her head against Caroline's. They both frown, looking out the window as they peel out of the facility and onto the parking lot and finally onto the road.
Elena begs Jeremy to open the door, but he says no and that he'll be out in a few minutes. She slides down and sits in front of the door and buries her face in her hands, thinking of her parents. What would Grayson and Miranda say to her if they could see her now? Would they still think she's strong and independent like they always said? Would they call her a woman and praise her sticking it out this long? Would they be proud of her for protecting Jeremy? She likes to toy with the idea that they do.
Elijah and Nik make a game out of the stragglers. Well, it's not really a game, but when there's one on the road then Elijah makes a point to run it over and crush its head with a tire. I-95 is infested with the creeps as well as empty cars with their hoods up and tires missing. They both get a kick out of it when the RV bounces up and down as it rolls and pulverizes another zombie into the pavement. It's at this time that the brothers realize that this is the first time they've laughed together in more than ten years. Perhaps even longer. It's a scary thought because something so morbid should not bring joy and entertainment and guttural laughs out of them, but it does and suddenly the laughter is gone and replaced with awkward silence that neither of them is willing to break so Elijah just keeps driving. He doesn't purposely hit zombies anymore and Nik gets up to take a leak, avoiding it altogether.
On his way to the bathroom, he notices all three of the girls curled up on the small couch sleeping soundly. Caroline is at the helm of the ship, her head resting on the hard armrest and her hair covering her face. Rebekah leans over and hugs Caroline's waist, burying her face in her side or back when she turns her head while Elena has her back to Rebekah's back and is squished between her body and the back of the couch. It looks uncomfortable, but they don't seem to mind. Why didn't they just use the bed in the back? It's big enough for three people.
He passes Jeremy sitting at the table, twiddling his thumbs and Nik almost says something to the pitiful looking boy, but he decides against it on the basis that he couldn't care less. Once he gets to the bathroom, he stands in front of the mirror and leans over the sink. He doesn't really have to take a piss, so he'll just stand here and muse over how fucked up everything is. It's one of those days where he wishes that he'd just died in that car crash, or maybe rotting in prison. It's one of those days where he wishes he'd just hung himself because this is simply pathetic.
He's going to be a dad. Dad.
"I'm going to be a dad."
It doesn't even sound right when he says it. It's disgusting. What a heinous word for him to ever say about himself. Doesn't describe him at all. Dads are…dads are supposed to be loving. They're supposed to be accepting and supportive and someone you can always go to in your time of need. They have to always know what to say and protect you to the best of their abilities. They're supposed to make sacrifices and be unselfish. Nik is neither of those things. He is Mikael's son whether it's by blood or not. He will never be worthy enough to own the title of a father because he has no idea how to become one. He will be a fuckup like he's always been. He's the black sheep and no one should ever look up to the person who shot their own father in cold blood.
How dare he spread his venom by creating offspring? And with Caroline? Sweet, good-natured Caroline? Nik is evil for doing what he did with her. Because of him—because of his choices—she will have to suffer. They are on the road to a destination they do not even know exists and she's two months pregnant and ill because of it. Because of him. He doesn't deserve a sweet little thing like her. She didn't know what she was getting into when she got into that car that fateful day. She was whirled into a world that was worse than being on her own. She was strong enough to carry on without him. All Nik did was bring her down and this baby only proves it further.
It's then that he realizes that it's not her fault. It's his. But he's always known this, just chose to ignore it because everything is always his fault and it's like he can't do anything right. What do you when you were born a failure at life? What options do you have other than to take out your frustrations and faults on other people? Shifting the blame to someone else to lessen the blow on yourself. He's a lousy person, really, and oh how Nik knows it. Every vitriolic name that Mikael spat from that malevolent tongue of his are all true. Ever single one of them.
The RV stops to a halt and Nik falls back into the fall, bumping his head and swearing. He stumbles out of the bathroom and sees Jeremy trying to gather himself off the floor. Nik steps over him and sees the girls in a tangle of limbs and they're screaming because Caroline is pregnant and she just fell.
"I'm fine," Caroline says repeatedly, rejecting their hands. "It wasn't even that hard of a fall."
Nik helps her up anyway and then he heads to the front of the vehicle, yelling, "What the fuck, Elijah?" We have precious cargo, passes through his mind, but now is not the time to try and be funny.
"We blew a tire," his brother states calmly, but his hands on the steering wheel say that he's anything but calm. "We have one spare tire," he says. "One. We're not even out of Maryland yet."
Nik crosses his arms and looks back at the girls and Jeremy, huddled closely together and pestering Caroline whether she's okay or not.
"And how long until we reach—"
"The better part of six hours," Elijah interrupts, "and that's assuming the highways are clear the rest of the way."
Nik has no time for this bullshit and says as much when Elijah gets up and heads to the back for a gun. One tire? And no telling what shape the ones currently on are in. Can they get a good day just once? That's all he wants. One day. One.
"Have a little faith, Niklaus," Elijah says, patting him on the shoulder. He turns around to face the rest of the group. "Out,"—he points to the door—"everyone out."
Elena and Jeremy shuffle behind Elijah as they exit and then Rebekah trudges slowly, her face grim. Caroline follows her, but then stops and goes to Nik. What she said earlier was…she was angry. She didn't mean it, to be honest. She doesn't know about half the things Elijah did for him and it wasn't right for her to assume.
"About earlier," she begins, concentrating on her feet, "it was…we're both upset and…"
"I know," he deadpans and he doesn't even look at her.
What is she even trying to say? Is there a point to it? He doesn't want to make up and he doesn't want anything to do with her anymore. Why is she even trying?
She laughs humorlessly and shakes her head. If this is what he wants, then she won't stop him. "Never mind, Nik. I get it." With that, she heads outside to join the group.
What is that she gets, Nik wonders. That he's not worth her time? Or that she regrets ever meeting him in the first place?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A/N: I tried, guys. I tried. This might be worse than the filler chapter I gave you a while back. Sigh.