Chapter Twenty-six: the piece of me i wish i didn't need

There's a rapping against the bedroom door in the middle of the night, awaking Caroline and Elena. Elena is the one to get up and answer it only to see Elijah standing on the other side. Caroline strains her hearing to try and hear what he's saying, but it's no use and Elena merely holds up a finger as she exits the room and shuts the door firmly behind her.

She doesn't return for several moments and by that time, Caroline has almost drifted back to sleep only to be startled by Elena putting her clothes from the previous day back on.

"What are you doing?" Caroline asks groggily, sitting up on an elbow.

"Change of plans," Elena says as she bends down to slip on her boots. She sits down on the foot of the bed and bends over to lace each up. "I'm going with Elijah, Rebekah, and Jeremy. Klaus is staying here…with you."

"What? Why?"

Elena skies her eyes and finishes lacing up her boots before getting up and throwing on her jacket. "Don't give me that look."

"What look?"

Elena drops her head. "That I can't believe you I thought we were friends look. Trust me, I'd rather stay here and laze around with you, but this is good. It's good for both of you."

Caroline shakes her head and opens her mouth, a protest just about to drop from her lips.

"Don't," Elena shuts her up before she can even begin. "When was the last time you two have actually been alone? As in, no one else in another room? Just the two of you?"

Caroline purses her lips. "It doesn't matter," she resolves. "It really doesn't. He doesn't want anything to do with me and, quite frankly, I don't want anything to do with him either."

The brunette shakes her head and mutter under her breath, "It's like watching that stupid MTV show."

"What?"

"I said you don't mean that," Elena recovers. "You just need to scream at each other. It's just a rough patch and you really love him and he really loves you and you're both just being incredibly stubborn and childish and I swear it's like living with eight year olds all the time because you look at each other and it's almost like you're making faces at each other because you're so in love and that's the only way you can deal with it and—"

"—Stop." She's had enough of Elena drivel of her and Nik's "relationship" because it doesn't matter. She's made up her mind about it and that is all there is to it. He's made up his mind as well. They don't need to fix a thing because there's nothing there to fix. Nothing is broken; it's just gone.

Elena crosses her arms and leans back against siding. "If you're not going to hear any of this out, then just listen to this," she says quietly. "You're going to have a kid and it's going to be hard enough growing up in this world and the last thing it'll need is two estranged parents. Just…think about that. Please."

Caroline makes an agreeable noise. "How did you agree to leave anyway?"

Elena shrugs. "Truthfully, I only trust myself around Jeremy. They don't have any type of connection with him so I have to look after him. He's all I have left, Care."

"Well, stay safe. For me."

Elena smiles and cocks her head to the side. "And you make up with your boyfriend. For me."

Caroline flops back down on the bed after Elena leaves and brings her hands to her face, groaning. The last thing a kid is going to worry about when there are monsters roaming about trying to eat it is angry parents. If everything was different, then yes. She grew up with estranged parents. She knows how it feels to know that your mother and father are never getting back together and how she blamed herself for a lot of it, even though she had no power in making in her father gay. Still, it was somehow her fault.

And she doesn't want her kid to feel that way, but it wouldn't even have the chance of seeing her and Nik ever together. It wouldn't know what they looked like when they were happy, and honestly, Caroline doesn't know what they looked like when they were happy either. Were they ever happy? When they weren't drunk or about to fuck each other? She can't remember.

Caroline decides to get out of bed when she can no longer hold her bladder. She shouldn't have waited so long because every step is like walking on pins and needles and she can't make it to the bathroom quickly enough which is why she doesn't even noticed that Nik's in the shower when she walks past and for a second a wave of nostalgia hits her on that first night when she told him she loved him. What an empty promise that he couldn't even return.

But she just stands there, outside the dark curtain, looking so hard at it as if she were trying to see through it. She can't, just like she can't see through Nik.

The water shuts off abruptly and she hurries and hides behind the wall that separates the shower from the toilet room. She doesn't know why, but she's suddenly nervous. She's skittish as if he's an intruder in her house. She doesn't like it. She doesn't like the way they've grown apart so much in a matter of days. Caroline can't fathom what they'll be like in a few months.

Once she hears Nik's footsteps begin to retreat, she peeks out and catches his back and the black triangle on his right triangle. She had fingered it one night a few weeks ago when his back was turned to her.

"What's it mean?"

"Three points," he says, yawning. "One for Rebekah, Elijah…"

A pause and Caroline scoots closer, slipping her arm through his and rests her forehead just behind his neck. "Kol," she fills in the blank.

"Yes."

Nik doesn't break easily, but Caroline can hear how shattered that 'yes' is and it only makes her fold herself in tighter because she knows. She knows how it feels. She'd watched her mom get eaten in front of her and she couldn't do anything about it but run. She had probably reanimated too.

"Do you believe in God?" she asks because it suddenly seems important.

"No," he answers with a scorn, a conviction, a sleeping anger; because if there were a god, then where is he? He sure as hell isn't here.

"Where do you think he went when he died? And my mom?"

Nik turns around, forcing her to move away and she frowned. "Why are you asking that?"

She ignores the question. "Do you think they're in pain?"

"No," he tells her. "No, no of course not."

Another pause. "Remember…remember the boat? What if that's where they are? They're waiting on a dock for us to join them so they can set sail?"

Nik laughs lightly, recalling how Kol refused to go on his school trip because they were riding the ferry across the Channel to France instead of using the Channel Tunnel. "Kol wasn't a big open water fan, I'm afraid."

A frown deepens on Caroline's mouth. "Maybe it's different for everyone," she muses. "What your afterlife is could be different from mine, you know? So maybe my mom isn't on a boat, but—I don't know—in our living room watching her soap operas and it's an endless rainy Sunday. And maybe Kol is…"

"Chasing after someone's skirt, certainly."

Caroline smiles and rolls her eyes. "Your brother seemed like a character," she comments.

"He was."

Caroline attempts to forget the night and so many others like it where they were too sickly sweet like a candy apple on a windy autumn day, but she can't no matter how hard she tries.

Once she's finished in the bathroom, she ventures deeper and makes that sharp right to the hall of the escape hatch. She only walked past it last night, her attention not exactly held by a simple metal door, but now she can't take her eyes off it it. Where does it lead, she wonders. Into the forest maybe? There are plenty of woods around here and it would make the most sense if you're trying to lose someone…or trying to get lost.

She walks over to the door, her fingers trailing over the cool metal and the silver latch. It appears it locks from the inside from the way the latch is attached to the doorframe. What if she opens it? What if she just walked out? Nik probably wouldn't even notice she had gone. Or maybe he would, but he'd lock the door behind her.

"What do you think you're doing?"

Caroline jumps, snatching her hand away from the latch and turning her head slightly to the side.

"I'm minding my own business," she replies. "I only wish you'd do the same."

Out of the corner of her eye, Nik tenses and she knows he's this close to stalking off because he doesn't want to deal with her. She wishes he would stop acting like he cared all of a sudden.

"Caroline…" Nik begins, but stops himself short and turns to walk away.

She turns fully around and leans back against the door, drawing her arms around herself. It'd be so easy to just unlock it and go as far as her feet would carry her. He wouldn't stop her and that's what hurts the most, though Caroline tries to convince herself that it doesn't. It doesn't hurt, but oh how it does. It's like a cut that only gets wider the more they come in eye contact with each other. She can feel her skin rip apart, shredding into little strips of flesh that unravels off her bones. How long will it take until there's nothing left but a skeleton?

It's raining something terrible, which probably should be a clue to them that they should head on back to the bunker. The windshield wipers barely do the job as Elijah attempts to navigate the RV down the winding Rhode Island roads. He's surprised they haven't crashed yet, to be honest. He is also very surprised they haven't come across any survivors. Surely, there would have been someone left. At least a small group like theirs. It's almost as if everyone has fled or just been wiped out. Or, turned, which is a very plausible fact judging from the amount of infected hanging out.

"Were you a doctor?" Elena asks him once Rebekah vacates the passenger seat. Hm. He didn't even notice her come in.

"Pardon?"

"Were you a doctor?" she repeats her doctor. "You know, before…this…"

Elijah smiles for a brief second, entertaining the idea of walking around in scrubs and a stethoscope around his neck. It's ridiculous. Him, a doctor? Hilarious.

"Far from it," he responds, shaking his head. "I was an attorney. Ran my own firm."

Elena's eyebrows lift in curiosity and she crosses her arms over her chest, propping up her feet on the dashboard.

"So," she says, "you were, like, a multi-millionaire."

Elijah laughs quietly, leaning forward on the steering wheel. "Well, I wouldn't say multi, but I got by. I didn't live in a mansion or anything by any means. "

"So just paid for your brother and sister to live in one while you were several states away."

"How did—"

"Word gets around." Elena shrugs. "We have—had a small town. So, did you have to defend murderers and rapists?"

"Yes, well, whoever could afford me," he replies and he's almost ashamed.

Elena snorts at that and shifts in her seat so she faces him better. "Even when you knew they were guilty? You still fought for their freedom?"

It isn't exactly as if he had a choice in the matter. Once he had to defend a man who was on trial for allegedly drowning his wife and son in their hot tub. Of course, he did (she was unfaithful and the kid wasn't his anyway), but it wasn't Elijah's part to get him charged with first-degree murder. It had been a difficult case, since there were witnesses who claimed to hear water sloshing around and broken up yelps, seeming to come from a woman, in the yard next door. They had no way to see since most of the homes on that block had enclosed yards with high wood fences and an addition of shrubbery.

He'd put on a good show by the time the police showed up. Sobbing and covered in water from pulling out the bodies, he even made it his duty to try and hold on to his dead wife's hand as the police tried to pull him away from the corpse so she could be bagged up. It was an Oscar-worthy performance, or at least, that's what Elijah believed from what he was told. And the police officers on the stand believed every bit of it. They didn't think anyone could fake a face like that, the face of a man who just lost his wife and son and couldn't revive them.

Tragic.

And the jury fell for it. They fell for Mr. Davenport's emotional testimony as he broke down on the witness stand, as he explained to the court exactly what happened on that fateful day he heard his wife calling for help. They fell for it hook, line, and sinker. And Elijah had never been so proud, yet so disgusted. Here was a man who had killed his wife and her son in cold blood and he was going to get away with it scot-free.

"Yes," Elijah finally answers. "It was my job."

"Why?" Elena questions. "Why not something a little more…commendable? You don't seem like the type of person who gets a thrill out of lying for a living."

Elijah shoots her a questioning look. "What type of person do I seem like then?" He asks because he's eager to see just how wrong she is. He's eager because whatever this girl says will be so far from the truth and he'll just go along with it because it will undoubtedly be easier than admitting to anything.

Elena taps a finger against her lips and narrows her eyes, studying him. She sees stories behind those eyes even though he's not looking directly at her anymore. Yes, there is an entire series in them, but the font is too small so she can't read. She leans in closer as if to really inspect him, the lines on his face and the sharpness of his jaw. But she can't get away from those eyes. Those old, old eyes. Almost like…

"What happened to you?" she asks quietly because maybe she overstepped her boundaries. What if she crossed the line?

Elijah swallows. "What do you mean?"

"You know exactly what I mean."

Elijah presses his lips together and swallows again and Elena watches his Adam's apple bob in his throat, nervous. Something's happened, she concludes. Something bad and he's tried to forget it and he can't hide it from her because she's seen that look before. She's so familiar with those eyes that came home every night, stumbling through the doorway and crying, but also refusing to say anything.

Jenna did that. Her dress would be torn at a weird angle and her lips would be bruised and her makeup would be everywhere and she always said whenever Elena asked what happened "What do you mean? I'm fine" when she clearly wasn't. And she'd drag herself up the stairs and cry herself to sleep because she was a failure at life and she failed her sister and she was failing her niece and nephew. But mostly, she was failing herself. So, she left and she never came back and Elena remembers that look of apology, yet relief that set itself in Jenna's eyes when she said that she'll take care of the bills up until September, but after that they were on their own. Elena remembers that look of abandonment.

So don't say what do you mean because Elena knows that you know what she means.

And Elijah knows what she means.

His tongue darts out to lick his lips and he says, "We need to find a pharmacy."

She drops her head, her hair falling over her shoulders. "Not today," she tells him. "I can understand that, but one day."

"Perhaps."

That's all she needs. It's better than anything she ever got from Jenna.

The clock reads 3:54 and the rest of the group isn't back yet. Caroline tries to squelch the fear that something bad has happened with counting the cans of vegetables they have for the fifth time. 212 cans. They have 212 cans and that seems like a lot, but like Elijah said the day before, it won't be a lot in a few months. So she counts them and any minute now Elena will climb down the ladder with her backpack full of supplies and whatnot and the worry will crumble off Caroline's shoulder like a building being demolished. Still, she can't stop worrying and that isn't good. Counting cans isn't soothing her since it's not taking her mind elsewhere so the only thing she figures that'll have a better result is, well, confrontation.

She's been thinking about it ever since Elena left this morning, to be completely honest. She didn't want to, but she had no choice once her friend plugged it into her head. She'd tried to talk to him ever since this whole thing started, but they both always got too angry and that was the end of it. And she went so far as to think to herself that things were over between them. Well, not by a long shot. See, things can't be over until they're actually over, which is not what their relationship is right now. The rollercoaster is still going on strong, but it's been in a downward spiral for a while now and shows no signs of steadying until she gets what's on her chest off.

Her and Nik have been walking circles around each other all day. In his defense, she did tell him to mind his own business and that's exactly what he's been doing. But nine times out of ten, when she tells you to leave her alone, she actually means yes, bother me I don't mind even though it may look like I do.

But Nik doesn't get that. Or maybe he does and he just doesn't want to even put in the effort. Either way, it's getting settled today. Right now.

There aren't many places he can actually go, so she finds him lounging on one of the top bunks in the other bedroom with a notebook and pen in his hands. She can't make out what it says, but it looks like a bunch of numbers scribbled around to make it appear as if he's busy.

She inhales. Exhales. Okay. "We need to talk."

"I'm doing stuff, Caroline," he says, sparing her a cross glance as he looks up from the book. "Things."

She rolls her eyes. "You're the one who said we'd continue this later. Newsflash! It's later."

Nik sits up and tosses the book to the end of the mattress and hops down. "Yes, I did say that, but from what I remember you countered and stated there was nothing left to discuss."

Caroline looks down, ashamed. Yeah, she did say that but she was angry. She said it because she had come to the conclusion that it was over between them and everything they had built was all for naught. She said it because she was tired of hurting and fighting with him and just wanted to forgive and be forgiven. She said it because she wanted just once to be normal, to have a regular tiff like couple always do and have it be solved with just a kiss or even a simple sorry. She said it because she was tired of having to be the only one to actually defend herself as if she had just committed treason. She said it and she thought so many things because he put her in that position. She had no choice so what else was she supposed to do?

"Please," Caroline whispers, pleading.

" You just need to scream at each other."

"You know what," she says, "no."

"Excu—"

"Shut up!" Caroline yells. "You're not talking until I say you can."

Nik's eyebrows lift in amusement and curiosity. Just what does she think she's going to solve? She can barely speak without her voice shaking.

"I don't…I don't know want to do this anymore," Caroline says, but she can't even see him anymore as the grief clouds her vision. "I've done so much for you and I just want you to do the same for me! Why can't you just understand that?" Why can't you just understand that I love you? Why can't you just get it through that I want this work and I hate that I want it to work because I shouldn't?

"You've been terrible to me and—" she looks down, her hands balling into fists. Her right foot stomps down. "And I've been terrible to you, too!

But differences aside, we have to work together on this! Three times I've wanted to talk to you about this and you've blown me off every single time. You look at me as if it doesn't matter and like I'm…like I'm the bane of your existence. And I…I'm literally at my wit's end with you. I don't know what else you want from me!"

A rueful grin passes across Nik's lips and it takes every ounce of self-control not to pin her to the wall and engrave into her mind that he doesn't want anything from her but to forget about him. He's not worth her effort. They are not worth her effort. How many times must he shoo her away for her to understand that? It never should have happened. He never should have cared. He shouldn't have let her get in his car and he shouldn't have fell for her light and smiles and optimism. He shouldn't have let himself get to this point where he wants to shout at her, tell her to go away and never look at him again, but also kiss her insane and dumb until her legs can no longer hold her weight.

He wants to leave her out in the cold, abandon her, yet also gather her up in his arms and throw her on to a mattress and claim her over and over again. It feels like years—centuries since he last felt the soft touch of her skin; tasted the subtle moue of her mouth; heard her breathy moans as she clung to his body as if he'd disappear.

And how Nik wants to do all of those things and more right now. He wants to worship her body and apologize to every inch of her skin his lips can kiss and tongue can caress; tell her all the words he should've told her months ago and then some. I love you being the most important, but he won't say it because it's not important. She doesn't need to hear that no matter how much she may want it. A declaration like that at a time like this will hardly mean anything. It's too late.

She's better without him anyway. Caroline is no longer the girl trembling in a pair of Chuck Taylors and a bright yellow hoodie. She's a woman, and a strong one at that.

"What do you want from me?" she screams and tears are in her eyes now, her face flushed and blotchy. "What do you want me to do, Nik? I'm trying so hard for this—I want this to work…"

Shut up.

"…and I shouldn't but I can't just ignore the way I feel about you."

You should.

"And I trust you, Nik! I trust you above anyone else and—,"she breathes, wiping her face on the backs of her hands. Why doesn't she just shut up before she says something she'll regret? This is all so dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb. "—I shouldn't trust you after what you've said to me, but—" She's not making any sense and she knows it, but she can't stop talking and maybe that's a good thing because they're supposed to be talking; however, she is doing all of it, isn't she? "—I want to forgive you and I want you to forgive me and, yeah, I realize this may be pointless and you don't care, but you need to understand that I can't do this by myself. I won't do this by myself."

They're both quiet for a long time, but their gazes never waver from one another. There is still so much that Caroline could say, but she can't. Her throat is raw and she wants nothing more than to get in bed and sleep the world away, forget this ever happened because it was a stupid idea and it obviously did nothing since Nik still hasn't said a thing so she might as well just turn and go on her merry way—

"Caroline," he finally says, wary, grasping her wrist, "I…"

"You?" she encourages, subtly taking her wrist back.

"I agree with you," Nik continues, nervously rubbing the back of his neck. "About everything. With the baby," he quickly adds.

Caroline bites her lip and nods, pleased. "Good," she says, smiling. "Good."

"I've never been so sure of why we didn't move to New England than I am right now," Rebekah announces her entrance as she comes down the ladder in the other room.

Caroline pats at her cheeks before turning around to see the girl shuffling off her backpack, her hair stuck to her forehead and dripping.

"The weather is terrible," she explains with a scowl. "Absolutely dreadful. Would've just been like England."

Caroline laughs softly and walks in to hug Elena, who is equally covered in water. "Well," she tells Rebekah, "it is still hurricane season."

Rebekah mumbles something about taking a hot shower and disappears as Elijah and Jeremy come down the ladder as well, sparing a smile towards Caroline and heading to the back.

"So," Elena presses, grinning, as she takes Caroline's hands and pulls her into their bedroom, "tell me everything."

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A/N: Did you recognize the line from I used TWD? If you didn't, it was stuff and things. Someone requested that I use it and I was a bit reluctant, but I gave in. Made myself laugh a bit.

Sorry if you don't ship Elejah (I used to before Kol was killed), but I'm developing their relationship this way because of reasons that'd be too spoilery to indulge you in :P

I've also come to realize that my happy times don't exactly mean happy. They just have a break from not worrying about where they'll get their next meal and I think that's pretty good considering the circumstances.

Is there anything specific you guys would like to see? If there is, tell me in a review and I'll try to work it in for you since we're coming up on the end. And I had a lot of trouble with the last part of this so I'm sorry if the emotions didn't come off as strong as I had hoped x_x It's just the beginning of them trying to get back to where they once were, so you guys don't be too concerned, okay? They're not staying that way for long.

Also, I've narrowed down my picks for the baby name and have two names for each sex. So just go to my profile and vote in the poll at the top if you want to have a say in what the name is :D

As always, thank you for your patience, kindness, and support. You guys made me cry, like, a lot.