Chapter Twenty-seven: close and tight

It is wrong. It's so wrong.

Caroline goes about the next few weeks as if nothing has happened. She smiles a lot, laughs until she cries, and only complains because she has a grilled salmon salad craving that will just never be met. She goes about her life; not once speaking ill to Nik and it is driving him mad. That confrontation was hardly a confrontation. See, he should've been the one to approach her. He should have been the one trying to win back her trust, not the other way around. He should have gotten on his knees, kissed her feet, told her how much of a fuck up he is and how he doesn't deserve to be in her good graces. But he didn't. Should have, could have, but didn't.

She never says much to him, though, which is fine really because what it all comes down to is the baby. She isn't doing this for Nik or for herself. Caroline is actually possibly the most selfless of them, so selfless in fact that she tears her own self down just to get some stability.

It leaves a sour taste in Nik's mouth. Every day that he goes without saying a word, without expressing his feelings, the gap between them gets deeper and more vast. He wants to sit her down and tell her things that will warm her to the core, but he is too much of a coward to do so.

He notices the changes in her as another month goes by. She has picked up weight and is starting to show a lot. She gets out of breath a tad bit too quickly and Rebekah and Elena dote on her hand and foot as if they are her nurses. It's sweet really, the way they talk about baby names and Caroline pipes up one day and asks him his opinion.

"Augustus," he says and Caroline frowns.

"We are not naming our kid Augustus." And it's the first time she's said our in awhile.

"If it is a boy," Elena says, "I like Wes. Or Dexter. Or Owen."

Caroline rolls her eyes and Rebekah chimes in, "Nice try, Elena, but naming the child that will not make Dessen boys real." to which Caroline pffts.

Nik has no idea what they are talking about.

"I like Logan," Caroline says. "Or maybe even Gabriel, like the archangel. And angels are strong and brave and guardians and that's basically the definition of myself so..."

Rebekah feigns a laugh. "But what about a girl? Lillian!"

"No," Elena interjects. "Beatrice. It is so classic and cute."

And Nik, doesn't know why, but he says, "Haven."

Caroline grins. "I like it. Or Arabella. Bella for short and maybe she'll find her own Edward."

The other two girls pretend to gag and Nik still doesn't know what they're talking about.

The only thing he cares about is that smile.

They hop into a routine.

Caroline wakes up in the morning, racing to the bathroom and had Elena not been such a heavy sleeper, she would've run to the bathroom too. But it just so happens that Nik is up when Caroline comes stumbling out of her room, telling him to make way as she covers her mouth. Naturally, he follows her and that's how he ends up as Caroline's designated hair holder as she vomits up her gut in the toilet.

"This isn't the first time," she informs him in between coughs. "I try to keep the noise down." Of course it started a while ago, before they even got anywhere close to Rhode Island, but she just passed it off as being ill and malnourished. Well, look where that got her.

"That doesn't matter much down here, Caroline."

She shrugs, but it makes her feel better if she's quiet.

"Elena used to do this for me when I had too much to drink. You act like a girlfriend, you know," Caroline jokes one day when she flushes.

"I'm sorry," Nik responds and Caroline looks at him, confused.

"I'm just joking," she says warily.

"Not that. About everything else."

Oh. Well, Caroline figures, it has been more than a month. "Nik, I know you are. And I

forgive you, but I will never forget. It's too late for apologies and, honestly, it's too little." I'm sorry? That's it? Really?

"Caroline, if you would just-"

"Look," she says softly, "we could keep driving down this same avenue, but we're not going to get anywhere. I'm over it and I only wish you would be too."

"Good," he tells her. "That day you said good and smiled even though it wasn't. Caroline, I know I've acted like a complete arse, but—"

"Words are words, Nik. Say them enough and they lose their meaning."

He looks down, suddenly ashamed. "I know, Caroline, and I just want to make things right. What can I do? If you won't let me speak, then tell me what I can do to be in your good graces again?"

She reaches up and touches his face and he leans in, only for her to take her hand away. "You really," she begins, "you really made me feel like shit, Nik. I contemplated whether I should even be alive anymore because of you and…you bringing this up right now just isn't the right time. And it will never be. I appreciate how you want to fix things and I can tell how sincere you're being, but there's really nothing you can do. I forgive you, Nik, and I can tell you that fifty more times and you won't believe me."

It wasn't that he wouldn't believe her; it was that he couldn't live with the guilt any longer. If this pain of betraying her for so long, which wasn't even that long to be completely honest, but turning her away so many times and refusing to even look at her straight, then Nik could only imagine what Caroline must have been feeling. While he nursing his own man pain and blaming the rest of the world for his problems, Caroline was sitting in self-deprecation and forced to carry the burden all on her own. He is not deserving of her forgiveness and he doesn't want it. He simply won't accept it.

"Why?" he asks because this is the dumbest thing she's ever done in her life. Continuing to trust him? Still looking at him as if he fucking spun the world. She's too nice, too stupid, and too in love for some strange reason.

"When Damon died, Stefan told me that he apologized," Caroline says. "I think he only said it because people don't like to die with, I don't know, not making amends with people they've wronged or some bullshit. So, when Stefan told me, I didn't think anything of it. I—it made me frustrated and—he used me. It was all a game to get closer to Elena and it totally wrecked my ever depleting self-esteem and I was destroyed even after I thought I was back on my feet, but I wasn't." She was terrible after she left Damon. She thought she had herself together, that she was strong and independent, but it was the exact opposite.

Keeping herself occupied was hard. Yes, she was on this committee and in charge of that campaign, and there was of course cheerleading and those competitions, but the truth was that she was sick. How many times was she supposed to be abandoned before she couldn't take it anymore? First her father and now Damon. No one would love her the way she wanted to be loved so she neglected her self-worth for a long while. She gave up on finding a real relationship and just got with whoever would put up with her. Most of the time it was for two weeks or less, but this way she wasn't getting hurt and she wasn't hurting anyone.

But everything changed with Matt, and then it changed again when they were over with. And then things changed again with Nik, and she can't figure out if they're changing again.

"And I was just…terrible," she continues. "I was barely recognizable, and then Matt picked me after all those years of pining. But then—then he betrayed me and I started to think that maybe it was a sign. I should never open up myself up to anyone ever again. Three times I made that mistake, and I went and did it again."

Her goal wasn't to change him. She didn't know if it was possible, but she thought she did. Caroline had kid herself into believing that he wasn't as selfish and impetuous like he was when they first me because she was so blinded by her naivety in seeing the good in people. And now, she doesn't think he's a bad person—it's the quite opposite—but it's an ongoing battle everyday with herself because she just doesn't want to let go. She's not ready to let go and she might never be.

"But you, Nik, I put up with you for reasons I'm not even completely sure of."

"If you aren't sure, then why do you? Caroline, if you don't want me here, then I will leave. I swear to you."

She sits back and pulls him down with her so that they're sitting on the floor across from each other. "You swear." Amusing. "Give me your hand," she instructs and when Caroline takes it, she presses it firmly to her stomach. "I'm not thinking about my own selfish wants anymore, Nik. Neither should you. I forgave my dad and Damon and Matt, so I certainly can forgive you."

"Caroline," he begins to say, but she shakes her head.

"This,-" she squeezes his hand,"—this is the only thing that matters. Not me and not you and not our stupid little feud."

He understands that, but it still doesn't resolve anything. No matter how much she wants to move past it, not think about it ever again, it will always be there. She'll always remember his selfishness and when she looks at him, the shame will be forever written across his face. It won't be able to be just wiped away. They can't simply start a clean slate like Caroline wishes. But, well, maybe they can try. She wants to and he's willing. Even if it doesn't work, even if Nik has fucked up too many times to keep count, she still wants to try and he has to respect that.

But, there's one more thing. Not that it will matter either way, but it's long overdue.

"Perhaps," Nik ventures, his gaze dropping to his hand still pressed firmly to her abdomen, "if it isn't too late, that you won't mind me saying that..."

He can't believe he's actually going to say it. Nik can't believe he's going to say the one thing he didn't think was possible for him again. All those years of numbness; beating after beating from Mikael, the death of his mother like novocaine pumping through his veins, rotting everyday for ten years in a cell, finding out his family left England for good, his baby brother being ripped from his baby sister's arms and left to die. And yet, after all that and an apocalypse thrown into the mix, Nik finally has the strength to say something he could've said from the moment she got in his car.

Red creeps up across Nik's face and over his ears as he says with conviction, "I love you, Caroline Forbes."

He can tell she wasn't expecting it from the way her blue eyes go as wide as saucers, but then soften after an instant and her lips split into a subtle grin. Caroline places her hands on either side of his face, her thumbs rubbing small little circles into his cheeks. She leans closer, goes past his face and whispers into his right ear, "I missed you." And Caroline's hands drop and her arms are around his neck, her face buried in the crook of his neck as emotions bubble over and come out in chest-heaving sobs that she will forever blame on her stupid hormones.

Nik doesn't know how to handle emotion well, obviously, but hearing Caroline's choked gasps and his name said over and over again and feeling the wetness of her tears seep through the fabric of his shirt is enough to have him clutching to her as well. Maybe it's stupid and effeminate of him—Kol's probably laughing on the other side at his older brother acting like such a pussy—but, well, Nik doesn't really care. Emotional constipation was basically how he got to this terrible, disgusting point in his life to begin with. So, he cries with Caroline and if Elijah and Jeremy and, yeah, everyone, peeps their heads into the room to see what's going on, then they just don't notice.

"If I start to cry, then you have to stop."

That day when Elena's hair was snatched by a straggler scared the living daylights out of everyone, to be completely honest. They had planned on cutting her hair that day, but it just didn't happen since there was a change of circumstances. They found the bunker; the need to go outside into the zombie-infested world wasn't that necessary anymore so there was no point in cutting it. Elena's long chocolate locks were a friendly and gentle reminder of Mystic Falls, as were the faint curls still in Caroline's hair. They were memories that you could physically see and if Caroline squinted enough in the mirror, she could see herself on Founder's Day dressed in that gorgeous green dress that everyone awed over (until Elena came down the stairs in a blue frock that hugged in all the right places and jealousy was an evil thing to harbor for your best friend).

But now, in the winter months, food is scarcer. They have plenty left in their pantry for the next two months, and they can make that last longer if they cut down their meals some more, which is all the more reason why hunting is actually essential. It isn't exactly healthy to live off of canned goods everyday.

It's only mid-December, but New England gets cold as fuck as they are beginning to learn, and all the little woodland creatures that are left have mostly all gone into hibernation. The last time they went hunting, Jeremy, Rebekah, and Elena, they brought back two rabbits. It was hardly enough for six fully grown people and a developing one, but they made due with cans like they always did. But that was earlier in the month when it didn't feel like Hell was freezing over outside. They are hardly equipped for dress in the winter months. Rebekah has a thin sweatshirt that fit correctly at one point of another, but she has since grown much too small for, and all of Caroline's shirts and jackets, well, she had grown much too large for. She can't even button her jeans any longer and resorts to looking like a bum as she waddles around the bunker, complaining about how her breasts ache and forcing Nik to rub her feet because she's queen and all she has to do is fix him with a glare. Hell, he owes it to her.

The boys are really the only ones to can still fit their clothes seemingly better than the girls. Elijah only had a few dress shirts and pants in the RV to begin with, but now the sleeves are very loose and he can go to the next notch on the belt as his body wears down and he begins to loose muscle mass. It doesn't mean he's thin and scrawny by any means, but those daily visits to the gym are starting to lose their edge.

Jeremy is starting to regret not going to the gym on a regular basis. Perhaps sitting on the couch playing video games was what Columbus meant by rule number one: Cardio.

"Oh, be a woman about it," Rebekah insists, rolling her eyes and running her fingers through Elena's hair. "Hair cuts are liberating."

"Not when you don't want it cut they aren't," Elena retorts, sentiment already heavy in her voice. "You don't understand that when it's gone, it's not coming back. At least not at this length again. It took me years to get it this long."

"It won't be that bad," Caroline offers, touching her own hair. "I'm getting mine cut next and then Rebekah and we'll all be matching with bobs or pixie cuts."

Elena's frown deepens. "My mom would kill me if she knew what was going on."

It's true. Miranda adored brushing Elena's hair almost as much as she adored buying her every pretty little outfit just so she could dress her up like an American Girl doll. Ah, the days of frills and ruffles and lace and ribbon. Elena does not miss them.

"Cover your eyes," Rebekah instructs as she picks up the scissors. "I don't want you getting curious before I'm finished."

Mumbling under her breath, Elena reluctantly holds her hands over her eyes and cringes when she hears the scissors scratch open. This is it, she thinks. This is the death of Elena Gilbert and the birth of someone else entirely.

The first snip catches her off guard and she lets out a yelp as Rebekah maniacally laughs behind her.

"You're having too much fun," Elena complains and Rebekah continues to laugh and cut, laugh and cut.

"How does it look, Care?" Elena asks, worried.

Caroline doesn't mean to stumble over her words ("Um it's uh it's great"), but she does and that sends Elena into a frenzy where she tries to get away, but Rebekah warns her that if she stops cutting now then Elena will look ten times worse than she already does. That gets her to sit back down in front of the mirror, but she's anything but quiet. Elena voices her contempt for Rebekah every time the blonde tells her to turn her head this or that way, every time she feels strands of her hair drop and float around her feet, and even when Rebekah informs her that she's finished and can open her eyes, Elena is furious.

She doesn't want to look at the catastrophe that is her hair. It's probably choppy and uneven, layered in places where it shouldn't be and Elena is willing to bet that there's a bald spot that wasn't there before. However, when she finally puts down her hands and opens her eyes, she is pleasantly surprised. Rebekah didn't screw up as terribly as Elena had believed; actually, she did kind of a good job.

Elena's hair is a little above her shoulders, even and not in choppy layers like she expected. It makes her look about six years younger and all she needs is a bow on her head to complete the juvenile cut. Still, it doesn't look half bad. She'll give Rebekah credit where it's due, but she'll never get used to the weightlessness on her back.

Caroline is next, but it wasn't exactly like her hair was incredibly long to begin with. Caroline doesn't exactly need her hair trimmed since she definitely won't be out hunting like everyone else, but if it isn't cut then she'll feel too guilty because of Elena. Besides, it'll grow back just like it has become thicker and stopped falling out.

By the time Rebekah has finished with Caroline, her curls now faint and replaced with mildly wavy tresses, and Rebekah elects to style her own hair (which she doesn't do a bad job at), Jeremy, Elena, Elijah, and Nik have all layered up and have their weapons and other equipment together to get ready to leave. Rebekah doesn't take long to slip on a couple more layers of clothing before she's heading to the escape hatch in the back to meet the rest of them.

The door, like Caroline had previously suspected, locks from the inside. But the thing is, someone has to be there to keep it closed. It just doesn't automatically close when you push it. In fact, it swings wide open, revealing a few acres of wood that eventually drops off to a steep cliff. She's never physically seen the cliff, but from the way Elena had described it to her, the waves crashing up against sharp and jagged rocks and the ocean seeming to be nothing but a black abyss, Caroline thinks she has a pretty good idea of what it's like.

She shivers once the door opens, sending a bitter wind inside the hatch. She wouldn't be here if she hadn't had to lock up after them. The first time they had all gone out without her, Caroline stayed by the door just in case of emergency. It took a lot of convincing that she would be perfectly fine without someone there with her. Yes, she was pregnant but not handicapped. She could defend herself from a possible intruder if need be. It wasn't like anyone was around anyway.

Elijah is the first out the door, followed by Rebekah and then Jeremy and Elena. The snow and dead leaves crunch under their feet, possibly alerting any nearby stragglers. They had figured that they would possibly freeze up, become dormant at least until the weather warmed up a little, but that was incorrect. Even with little food, the monsters were still at top speed and strength as if they'd been running marathons in their spare time.

Nik lingers by the door for a few moments before he leaves, reminding Caroline to take it easy and it's three knocks; any less or any more then do not open.

"Gotcha," she responds, her voice light. "And be careful, please? And look after Elena for me. She thinks she can handle herself, but she can't."

Nik glances outside towards the girl, busily chatting up his older brother. From the looks of it, Nik won't need to if she stays attached to Elijah's hip like she's been for the past few weeks. He doesn't think anything more of it and returns to Caroline's eyes and pout.

"I will," he says and thinks to tuck a lock of hair behind her ear, but decides against it. It's too intimate, especially since they're in that place of friends-but-not-much-else still. Elena still, in fact, sleeps with Caroline each night. There are days where he catches her looking at him with that look in her eyes, the one where her irises are just a thin sliver of blue, but she always bashfully looks away and her faces burns red as if she was ashamed of it. He's wanted to, too, of course, but he's never tried anything. There have been little touches here and there, stolen glances until they catch each other, but for the most part intimacy is off-limits. Nik doesn't know who decided that to be a fact, but he's not going to change up the rules now when they've perfected their dancing around each other so well.

But right now, it's really hard not to kiss her. Especially when, figuratively, this could very well be the last time he sees her.

"I love you," she says, surprisingly. She looks like she immediately regrets it. "I just, I don't know, we don't say it enough?" And I don't know if you'll come back or not, is what she doesn't say.

Nik regards her carefully, taking in the slight tremble in her hands and the rapidity of her blinks, and that's when something snaps. A moment ago he would've walked away with a nod of his head and possibly an 'I love you too', but he doesn't do that. He kisses her and it's soft and lightning fast as if it had never occurred. And the next moment he's out the door and into the bitter cold while Caroline closes the door and locks up, her fingers tracing over her burning lips.

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A/N: *holds you close and gently whispers 'character deaths soon and only 2 or 3 more chapters and an epilogue left i love you bye'*