Disclaimer: Total Drama is owned by Fresh TV, Teletoon and Cartoon Network while the Nostalgia Critic is owned by Doug Walker of Channel Awesome.
The Nostalgia Critic was on the Dock of Shame late at night after having sent Chris McLean to work so he can do the outro.
"Last time, on Total Drama Tween Island," the Critic began, "I had the need to critique stuff and what better way to do it than on Nickolas' superhero movie collection. I had to spend all day doing this so I had once again put Chris in charge. Look I know he was a madman but I simply had no choice.
"The challenge didn't start until 9 o'clock at night, leaving plenty of time for Victor to do his recital with Abdul. Now normally I'd be mind^$*#ed by the mere prospect of dudes wearing tutus even if it was a penalty but now I totally regret not seeing it unfold. The whole event attracted the entire female demographic, not just for the performance but for how hot Victor came out to be! I honestly had no idea what a ratings jewel that was.
"As for the challenge, each team was to put together a key in the forest and cemetery so that they could grab the box inside the spider's cave and high-tail out of their before the spider got them. The reality was that Chris hired Jonny to use a biomechanical spider for extra pay! Ultimately the victory went to the Crazy Crocodiles for the first time. The boxes themselves have some neat stuff inside.
"At the ceremony, Chris pulled the most controversial move I have seen. Due to threats from communist countries who wanted to know why Li Zhang is misanthropic, Chris simply relocated him to the other team because he refused to confess.
"Oh well, now that I am back, I will make sure someone goes home today. Who might that be? And how will Li Zhang cope with his new teammates? Find out here on Total Drama Tween Island!"
(Theme song: I wanna be famous)
Corey and Jonny were sitting by the campfire with a bucket of spew next to them.
"Alright, from now on," Corey proclaimed, "no more marshmallows. I don't even remember how we did it though."
"It was my idea," Jonny confessed, "I wanted us to do a marshmallow eating contest seeing as there probably wasn't anyone going at such weird circumstances."
"Well it was crap wasn't it," said Corey right as he heard someone coming. It was the vagineer. Jonny looked a bit freaked out but Corey said, "Alright this guy is not here to hurt us."
"But he ate Nessie," Jonny said, "I saw it!"
"I tamed him," said Corey, "so there is no chance he'll eat you this time."
"Ekup fo tekcub siht evah ot ekil dluow I," said the vagineer so Corey gave the bucket to the vagineer before it walked away.
"Hey, how do you understand it," asked Jonny.
"Vagineer speech is essentially backwards to English," Corey explained, "it said it wanted the bucket so I gave it to him."
"Okay," said Jonny as he stood up, "Now I want to go to bed. See ya."
As the two parted to go to bed, a silhouette had come out to enter the cabins.
Confessional: What do vagineers want with spew? Eat it? Gross!
Corey: I had to learn English for this job because no-one here understands Ignarian.
Jonny: Is it just me or did I see some weirdo enter one of the cabins? Nah, it's probably nothing.
(Mad Monkeys; Guys)
Malcolm had just woken up via an alarm clock set at 9 o'clock in the morning so he could tend to his digimon which had now reached the In-Training stage as Kokomon and Gummymon. He had to pause because Victor was doing some strange actions in his sleep so he could observe.
"Hey b!tch," said Vito rudely in the dream world, "what do you think you are doing?"
"Well I want to do gymnastics okay," said Svetlana as she within Victor's body jumped off the bed and onto the floor.
"Stop jumping or I'll kick your ass," shouted Vito.
"Oh will you two keep it down," shouted Chester grumpily.
"Oh boy," said Malcolm, "that makes three!"
At that instant Victor woke up suddenly to Malcolm's voice and said, "Oh sorry, did I disturb you?"
"Uh no," said Malcolm, "but I have been observing your alternate personalities."
"Oh, what do you think is in that box," said Victor trying to change the subject, "Li Zhang must have been training lots to even carry it."
"I don't know," replied Malcolm, "Hey you wanna fight my digimon?"
"Sure," Victor accepted as he took out his own digivice to challenge Malcolm's digimon.
Confessional: No seriously, what is in that box?
Malcolm: I lost that fight. They were simply too weak. No matter, that just gives me incentive to train harder.
Victor: I am personally hoping for a Playstation 3 or Playstation 4. You see, I am a Sony fan okay?
(Mad Monkeys; Girls)
Meanwhile in the girls' side of the Mad Monkeys cabin, everyone else was asleep. Even Jonny had decided to snuggle Aurora. Only Mari was awake and staring at the red box in anticipation. She used the key she from the last challenge to open it up.
"Holy Jesus," squeed Mari, "there is a Wii, a Wii U and a 3DS in there!"
That had gotten everyone else's attention. Aurora seeing Jonny snuggle up to her pushed him away in disgust. She then took out some sort of diary to document the events.
"Dear Diary," Aurora wrote, "One of my roommates, Mari has uncovered several games consoles for us to play. Not me. I would much rather keep my eyes pretty."
"Hey what the hell have you got there," Lauren asked Aurora about the diary.
"Hello, it's my diary," Aurora answered, "Every girl has to have one."
"Yeah, yeah, that's the conservatives want you to think," Lauren said cynically as she grabbed the diary and started scribbling it.
"Dear diary," Lauren wrote mocking Aurora, "The only reason I keep you around is to satisfy the unreasonable stereotypes the conservatives impose on us because if we don't, it's 'Holocaust' time!" Lauren returned the diary to Aurora who gasped upon reading Lauren's satire.
Confessional: Oooh! The dreaded Holocaust! Thank God Victor didn't hear that.
Aurora: Looking back, L is absolutely right. I got the diary in the Caribbean Union, the only country left in the world that still takes neo-liberalism seriously.
Mari: Truth be told, my family is kind of wealthy but I never bothered bringing any games. Yeah, I love Nintendo.
(Crazy Crocodiles)
Abdul was just waking up from bed. He reached for where his book usually was every night but could not find it.
"Wait what the," Abdul stammered, "Oh my book's gone. Jim must have taken it." He turned to Jim and said, "Hey big guy! What did you do to my book!?"
"Why the hell would I take something so nerdy as a novel," Jim retorted, "I prefer more manly things like my dumbbells." Jim looked down to see that they were not there and said, "Speaking of which, you took my freaking dumbbells!"
"Oh please," Abdul denied, "like I would sin and steal someone else's property. It must be the new guy."
Confessional: Spread out and search for clues.
Jim: Those dumbbells were a gift from my dad so I can beat losers up!
Abdul: I always thought Li Zhang was trouble. You saw what happened last night!
Outside, Li Zhang was practicing Kung fu at a training field he had set up since the start of the competition. Abdul saw this and went up to the Chinese boy.
"Hey, you there," Abdul said noticing the field, "what is up with all that stuff? I thought you lived in the washrooms."
"I do," Li Zhang responded, "but only because I wanted to get away from you all. Why are you here anyway?"
"Well you see we have a thief problem," Abdul explained, "My book is gone and Jim's dumbbells are gone. I think you have something to do with it."
"Uugh," Li Zhang groaned, "You see!? This is why! Your kind always blames me for things I didn't do!"
"Why," Abdul wondered, "what makes you so special?"
"Like that's any of your business," Li Zhang grumpily grumbled and went back to training. Abdul then noticed Nessie and Sheila come out arguing over environmental issues so he decided to see what's up.
"All right you two," Abdul interrogated them both, "what's the matter."
"Commie girl here is annoying," Nessie said arrogantly.
"Nessie has no regard to environmental welfare," Sheila explained, "I however have a rubbish bag so as to clean up the trash here."
"Nothing new here," Nessie butted in, "I'll bet where you came from has so many hybrids that the Sydney skyline is clouded by smug."
"Okay, I've heard enough," Abdul broke up the argument, "what matters is that there is a thief on the loose. Stay sharp will you?"
Confessional: The left-wing is a corporation's worst nightmare, holy or otherwise.
Sheila: That Nessie has gone too far now! No-one insults the left and gets away with it!
Nessie: I just don't see what the big deal is. I mean the right gives national identity and the freedom collect money from the market.
Li Zhang: No comment.
At the mess hall for lunch, the campers were eating matzah brei due to Aurora's interference in the kitchen.
"Girl, you are messed up," Chef said ticked off.
"Whatever," said Aurora, "It's just that your cooking is so gross." She left the kitchen to go outside for some reason. As for the rest of the Mad Monkeys…
"Oh mon dieu," uttered Victor, "Matzah brei is my favourite dish. It is a traditional Jewish dish for those curious."
"I have to agree," said Mari who is somehow back into her default outfit, "This is really nice. How did Chef get so good?"
"Well I am not really sure," said Malcolm as he cautiously ate his lunch, "I personally never had any of that before but it is mighty decent."
"I'll bet it was Jonny," said Jenny, "wait hold on, he did the gardening and I did the cooking with mum."
"Yeah yeah, whatev's," said Lauren.
Later, Aurora came back in with an apple and a cooked rabbit.
"Aurora why have you killed that bunny," said Sheila in shock.
"First off, I am sorry," Aurora explained, "but that's not for you." She gave the rabbit to Jim who preferred it over some Jewish dish and the apple to Sheila. "I know that you are vegetarian so I gave you an alternative."
"It's all right," said Sheila, "I can tolerate eggs but the apple is a nice compliment. I just wish there was no chicken fat involved."
Confessional: Chicken schmaltz is a traditional ingredient but there are alternatives.
Chef: There was no schmaltz. I did just fine with canola.
Aurora: I am sorry to say this but I am a part-time socialist. This means I like to help people no matter how many tick me off. That holiday one day has tainted my spirit.
Sheila: Abdul was right about a thief! I saw no necklace on Nessie today!
A few minutes later, the Nostalgia Critic pushed Li Zhang in to do his usual pre-challenge announcements.
"Hello kids," said the Critic, "I really enjoyed my superhero night. The Nolan trilogy of Batman was awesome as was the Avengers! Man of Steel was not so good though but thank god there was no Batman and Robin."
"Why," Mari asked, "Is it the bat credit card?"
"A BAT CREDIT CARD," the Critic screamed as he nearly went after Mari but thankfully Jonny and Corey held him back. The Critic calmed down and said, "Okay. Sorry about that."
"Well it was really funny," Jim commented.
"Moving on," the Critic continued, "your next challenge is at 3 o'clock. Right now it is 10 o'clock. Oh, and you might need your swimsuits for this one."
"Oh god no," shivered Victor.
"What's wrong," Mari asked Victor as the Jewish boy whispered into her ear what he could without revealing his MPD.
Confessional: Sexy time!
Victor: I forgot to pack my trunks and swim shirt! And no-one has a swim shirt.
Mari: 5 hours to make a swimsuit? I can do that. But what of Victor?
Mari went up to Sheila after the campers were let out of the mess hall to discuss some matters.
"Hey Sheila," Mari said, "Victor has said to me he is not allowed to go out topless which usually happens when a boy wears trunks. He needs a new swim shirt."
"I understand that and that you probably could have sewn one yourself," Sheila explained, "but in Australia the one-piece has been revived for men to protect against UV rays. Face it, leotards were originally made for men but then they made a womens' model that had a higher leg. In spite of a sharp fall in popularity, male leotards and one-piece swimsuits had been altered to resemble the female version by quite a margin. Now both genders get to enjoy them thanks to my granddad. I think Victor would look cute in one."
"Okay then," said Mari, "thanks for everything." She then ran off back to the Mad Monkeys cabin.
Confessional: Oh boy what is she doing now?
Mari: I only wanted to let Sheila know of this because maybe Victor is sensitive to UV. By the way, back in the mess hall when I mentioned the bat credit card, I am a personal fan of the Nostalgia Critic due to my older sister showing his show to me but sometimes I say before I think. Yeah, I have a mild case of autism, don't laugh!
Sheila: Granddad is an awesome prime minister. He is supportive of LGBT rights and helped advance the feminist cause by giving men the right to self-glamour as well as better working conditions.
While Mari was working on swimsuits, the rest of the campers were outside the communal washrooms to get changed. First it was Li Zhang, Jim and Abdul.
"Hey mon," said Jim in his green trunks with yellow waist and leg holes, "get a load of this." He was showing off his six-pack to a comparatively skinny Abdul in a gold speedo. Jim then taunted, "Aw man, you have nothing!"
"Shut up, like I care," Abdul said abruptly, "now what does the new guy look like?"
Abdul went to Li Zhang stall and opened it revealing him in brown trunks but was still wearing the conical hat.
"Oh boy," Abdul groaned, "why don't you just take your hat off like me and Jim had done?"
"No way," Li Zhang retorted as he slammed the door shut.
Next were Aurora, Nessie and Sheila. Aurora was flaunting her hot pink bikini.
"Hey girls," said Aurora, "look at me. Do you agree that I'm hot?"
"Oh boy," said Nessie in her light blue bikini, "of course you do! That'll attract Vito for sure."
"Well I am glad you liked it," Aurora said before looking at Sheila, "You on the other hand look like you're from Baywatch which is like boring."
"Alright first of all," Sheila explained in her lifeguard one-piece, "where I come from, bikinis are of low popularity due to several factors like high exposure of UV radiation the unreasonable quest for that so-called perfect body just to look good in one. Also, I am a lifeguard apprentice."
"Oh boy," groaned Nessie, "again with the nagging."
"You know what," Aurora declared, "go wear what you want! I just want to make you look prettier that's all." Aurora then took the red bow off her hair and put it into Sheila's hair. The latter girl blushed at her raised prettiness level.
Confessional: Anyone getting a nosebleed yet?
Aurora: Bikinis a health hazard? But they were all the rage in the Caribbean Union! I had to take a few! I'm still not fond on one-pieces though.
Abdul: My swim briefs are sewn with 24 carat gold fibres. A tad dense yes but seriously, my family is that rich.
Next were Lauren, Mari and the twins. While Mari was changing into her finished swimsuit, Lauren could not help but see something weird about the twins.
"You seriously wearing the exact same swimsuit," Lauren questioned, "I mean how do you even know whose is whose."
Both Jonny and Jenny were wearing purple one-piece swimsuits with blue stripes down the sides. Jenny replied, "Yeah we don't really know. I mean they are the same size, same colour, same pattern and same shape so yeah, we could not really tell." Lauren shuddered at the very thought of this.
"Yeah, but you have oddities yourself," said Jonny, "I mean why would a 12-year-old girl like yourself have a six pack?"
Surely enough, Lauren has an orange sports one-piece with a yellow star on the chest as well as an orange swim cap. She said back, "That's not really your business. It's just that I kept this suit for three years now and it's gotten real tight. Now is the little one ready yet?"
"Oh, yes I am," said Mari as she emerged with a strapless lavender one-piece with pink frills at the leg holes and top hole, "I made it myself as usual."
"Well I like it," Jenny commented while Jonny had a slight nosebleed but he quickly wiped it off.
Confessional: Wow, who knew a 10-year-old girl could look hot at the right circumstances. Thank god Pedobear's not here.
Lauren: My private life is no-one's business! I just happened to lift the empty table with my legs many times a day when watching TV! It's a habit I've got.
By the time Mari left the washroom, Victor stared at her and said kindly, "Wow, you look really cute in that. So how's my swim shirt?"
"I have made something better," Mari said as she threw a piece of red and orange fabric at Victor, "I decided to try something new. It was Sheila's idea.
So Victor and Malcolm were now in the washroom. Malcolm had already changed into his red trunks with orange stripes going down the sides so he's going to help Victor change into his swimsuit.
"All right partner," said Malcolm, "are you ready?"
"Bring it on," Victor said as Malcolm quickly took the Jewish boy's shirt off which meant that Vito would appear taunting, "Hey kid, are you jelly at my hot body?"
"I'm not here for that," Malcolm said bravely, "I'm putting you in a swimsuit!"
"Bull&#^%," Vito said, "Like I need one! Wanna fight?"
As Vito charged at Malcolm, the commune boy thought in his head, "Pretend it is a cow gone crazy." Then he gathered enough strength to knock out Vito and the rest is history.
Confessional: If you lack courage to eat a tomato, pretend it's an apple. At least that's how it goes. Wait did I just sound like the Annoying Orange?
Malcolm: I am actually uneasy about hurting other people so I pretended Vito was a runaway cow to do some action.
Victor: (Blushing in a red and orange flame-patterned one-piece) I asked for a swim shirt but I was given this! It's a little embarrassing but hey I have worn a tutu haven't I?
Once everyone had changed, the Nostalgia Critic called Jonny over to his side to give some instructions, "Okay kids, just follow me to the Dock of Shame so we can do the challenge."
And that was part one. Here I got to explore more of Aurora's character as a socialist at odds with herself. And trust me when I have a weird fashion sense, I mean I dress like any man would but expect some weird fashion taste in the story.
Next time: The challenge goes underway, Lauren learns something about Li Zhang, Mari learns how to infiltrate others' dreams and someone gets voted off under bizarre circumstances.