Disclaimer: Total Drama is owned by Fresh TV, Teletoon and Cartoon Network while the Nostalgia Critic is owned by Doug Walker of Channel Awesome and the AVGN is owned by James Rolfe of Cinemassacre.
The Nostalgia Critic stood on the Dock of Shame to give the intro.
"Last time on Total Drama Tween Island," he began, "Chris sent the campers drifting out to sea! I mean what the hell! All that happened before was that Victor dropped a bucket of his own pee on him! Way to over-react!
"Anyway, the kids had to swim back but the sharks made it hard. Fortunately Sheila came back to help for some odd reason. She also directed the dolphins to drive off Cthulhu earning a return to the game via democratic vote!
"Anyway, the reason that Sheila returned was that she had to rescue 3 other losers from a treasure chest that Chris had kidnapped, one of them being Nickolas her new boyfriend. So it was only rational that I base a challenge on that. Trouble is, they had to go through a swamp but clearly the kids did not give a $#!%.
"In the end, the Crazy Crocosaurs won because Nessie dug up the wrong spot; looks like Weaselcake set her up for karma after what she did to Kyle! It looked like she would be going home but then she played the immunity idol. This caused Jenny to scream in frustration as she was taken out of the game. As a result, her brother Jonny, who wanted to expose some conspiracy relating to Chris, called it quits just to be with her! What an amazing boy.
"Anyway, only 8 campers remain. Who will be the last to miss out on the merge? Find out right now on Total Drama Tween Island!"
(Theme song: I wanna be famous)
Later that night, Chris was getting ready for bed.
"Okay, time for bed," Chris said joyfully, "Nearly got caught that time. But as long as I have the notebook, I'm not going anywhere."
He fell asleep at his bed which was rather luxurious; maybe not to the degree of the Nostalgia Critic's sleeping quarters but still. But then, Weaselcake suddenly teleported in.
"Go to hell, wanker," Weaselcake insulted Chris before using his tongue to take away the notebook and teleport away.
(Crazy Crocosaurs)
The Crazy Crocosaurs were talking with the Nostalgia Critic over the large mound of rainbow monkey dolls in his trailer.
"Hey Critic," asked Lauren, "What the hell is up with those rainbow monkey dolls?"
"I couldn't think of any other reward," the Critic confessed, "Besides, blame Mari. She ordered them!"
"Does that mean we have to sleep outside mon," asked Jim.
"Not necessarily," said the Critic, "I checked on Chef and he was recovering quite nicely. You could hang out with him in the kitchen."
"Fine by me," Jim said as he walked away.
"Aw, come on guys," said Sheila airily, "they are such cute dolls. My 3 favourites are the 'Liberty and Justice' rainbow monkey, the 'Be One with Nature' rainbow monkey and the 'Workers of the World Unite' rainbow monkey." She held up a blue one dressed like the Statue of Liberty, a green one dressed like a hippy and a red one dressed like a proletarian worker.
"Heh, do what you want because I'm out for a night walk," said Lauren as she left.
Confessional: Won't Numbuh 3 want those back?
Sheila: Sorry about that. I'm a girl who values democracy, environmentalism and socialism all at once. Comes with descending from a communist that is my grandad.
Lauren: Sheila's ideals are cool and all but I'm more of a liberal. Besides, I'm not into girly dolls.
Jim: You know, Chef isn't so bad. Beats having to hang out with naïve losers.
Li Zhang: Whoa. Guess I was a little extreme with my beliefs. None of my teammates want to kill me. Tomorrow, I will tell my story. They have to know.
(Mad Marmosets)
Meanwhile in the Marmosets cabin, Victor was much too busy playing Ocarina of Time on the N64 to listen to Mari and Nessie talk.
"Nessie, I have a question," Mari asked with concern, "Are you really that evil?"
"Not really," Nessie replied, "You have to understand that if I take that oil back home, my ruling family would get rich again and the Caribbean Union will function again."
"I don't know," Mari said skeptically as she worked on her sewing machine, "Sheila said that the regime over there is heavily corrupt. Do you think that the insane amounts of wealth have something to do with it?"
"Ah, nonsense," Nessie said assuredly, "You can never be too rich. That is the motto of the free market. Besides, the contraption outside is designed to not leak any oil into the surrounding environment. The oil will be used, the wilderness is untouched and everyone wins! Trust me when I say there is no alternative."
"Well if that's what you believe then who am I to stop you," said Mari, "By the way, where's Malcolm?"
"Beats me," Nessie shrugged, "Now go to sleep! You have a contest to win!"
Confessional: No really, where is he?
Mari: Now to be fair, my family is not socialist. We still have faith in capitalism but of a more moderate variety where the North French government steps in to prevent market crashes. I'm a Protestant so I know what happens when the market is completely untouched. It starts to mess with our minds.
Victor: Don't ask me what the girls were talking about. I was up to the bit where I enter the molten crater of Death Mountain. Also, Malcolm said something about getting my tutu back from the Nerd. How nice of him. (blushes)
Malcolm looked at the door the part of the cabin that the AVGN had colonised and breathed calmly.
"Okay partner," Malcolm said to himself, "this is the Nerd's territory now. I may not know half the words he mutters but since they are said in a nasty tone, they probably aren't nice. All you are getting is a soft, silky dress from out of there. Okay, here goes."
Malcolm slowly opened the door so as to not awaken the Nerd and snuck over where he believed Victor's tutu was. Then the Nerd groaned.
"Oh boy," Malcolm muttered.
"That's… dog $#!%," the Nerd mumbled in his sleep, "You… ^&#%ing inhumanity to man. &%#*ing… piece of $#!%."
As the Nerd continued sleeping, Malcolm sighed in relief and carefully took the tutu away. Then he snuck out of the cabin without waking up the Nerd.
"Phew, that was tense," Malcolm commented as he walked over to the bushes, "Now let's if that thing feels just as nice when being worn."
Malcolm had just stripped down to his boxers when Lauren appeared startling him.
"Hey Mal," greet Lauren, "what the hell are you doing?"
"Well you see," Malcolm naively explained, "this ballet outfit is very nice to the touch and I was just about to find out what it feels like if worn."
Lauren could not but help laugh hard at this. "Oh Malcolm," she laughed, "you're naivety cracks me up. Anyway, thanks for saving me from that cave. I could have died there and that is not cool."
"True that," Malcolm said.
"Now please, continue what you were doing," Lauren said as Malcolm went into the bushes to try the tutu on. A short while later, he came out looking like a ballerina.
"So, be honest," Malcolm said calmly, "do I look cute?"
"Yes you silly boy," Lauren giggled while having a nosebleed, "you always looked cute before. I never got around to admitting it because I was so grouchy."
"Well I think it's safe to assume that hanging out with nice people made you change for the better," Malcolm mused just as Lauren pulled him in for a kiss. Aroused, Malcolm kissed back. The whole thing took 5 minutes before they both separate.
"Consider this as a reward for saving my life," Lauren said gratefully while Malcolm stood there with an airy expression, "Well, I'll see you in the morning."
Confessional: And so another couple forms.
Malcolm: (Having changed back into his normal clothes) Ever since L, I mean Lauren wore that hot orange dress; I had the hots for her. Now she likes me back. And it all culminated in my first kiss. (Giggles like a school girl)
Lauren: You know, Mal is right. Hanging out with nicer people really altered my world view for the better. I'm still a liberal tomboy, that'll never change but if you ask me, he looks cuter when he's naively crossdressing.
The next morning, Noland opened the wooden box that Kyle had taken refuge in to wake him up.
"Hey, dummkopf," Noland shouted, "Vake up! Your first day of vork is here!"
"Uh, already," Kyle mumbled tiredly, "I've had enough for one lifetime."
"Arrgh," Noland grumbled, "I'm telling you. Your new boss is much more respectful and you could even get paid. You could ask for ze breaks vhen needed.
"Fine," Kyle submitted, "I'm an intern now. Gotta fill the gap that kid left behind. Your promises had better be full."
Confessional: Workers gotta work for the world to function, but they are still people who deserve respect. Give them that and they can still work for you.
Noland: Vell, zis is ze first day vizout the ginger kid. Now vhat could I draw next.
Kyle: I know I have to start at the bottom: cleaning the toilets. But that should not compromise my pay! It's what keeps me going.
In the mess hall, the campers had gathered at their tables waiting for their breakfast.
"Come on monsieur Nerd," Victor complained just as he became Chester, "Bah! The service here is just horrible!"
"Come on Victor," said Mari who is now wearing a white tank top with blue hot pants and sandals; the mention of Victor's name brought him back, "We must be patient."
"I'm sorry Mari but it's hard when you're used to fast service," Victor apologised, "But I think Malcolm has perfected the art of patience."
Malcolm was still daydreaming about the time he kissed Lauren.
Even the Crocosaurs had their share. "Hey, where's the &%#^ing food," Jim shouted rudely.
"Now now Jim," Sheila tut-tutted, "breakfast will be here in due time."
"I can wait patiently unlike most people here," said Li Zhang while noticing Lauren was daydreaming, "What's up with her?"
"I'll tell you what's up," the Nerd said strictly from the kitchen, "She's in I-don't-give-a-$#!%-land. And I'm sorry for the hold-up but it's a special surprise. So do yourselves a favour and shut the *^$% up!"
Just then, the Nostalgia Critic burst in with a big TV being pushed behind him by Noland.
"Good morning kids," greeted the Critic, "I'm sorry for the hold-up on breakfast so I'll give each of you something to hold you over for a special surprise."
That's when Chef burst in with 8 stalks of broccoli and handed out one to each camper. Some were overjoyed, some were neutral and others were disgusted.
"Now you may notice that there is a TV here," explained the Critic, "You wanna know why? Tomorrow we are merging the teams together so today is the last team based challenge. And to celebrate, your friends and family from back in the real world would like to talk to you."
The campers cheered at this prospect.
"Okay, the first visitor is the communist Australian Prime Minister Andrew Mortis, speaking for Sheila and Li Zhang.
"Eeeeeeeeee," Sheila squeed, "I get to speak to grandad!"
"So, are you and Sheila related," Lauren asked Li Zhang having snapped out of her trance.
"No way," Li Zhang denied, "Both my parents are dead! I'm the last one of my bloodline."
The whole cast gasped at this.
"Okay kids, settle down," the Critic ordered, "Let's get this over with." He turned on the TV to reveal an old bearded Indigenous Australian man in his 70's relaxing in what appears to be a working class Chinese apartment.
"Okay, is this thing on," Mr Mortis said, "Hi Sheila, how's the show going?"
"Oh, I've had my ups and downs," Sheila responded, "what are you doing in China?"
"Oh, right," Mr Mortis remembered, "I came here to discuss matters with the Chinese government over the looming threat that is West Korea. For you dummies, that's the western half of what was once North Korea but I could be talking all day. But the meeting isn't until tomorrow so I decided to crash in at this people's commune called Nanjiekun. Wonderful place it is; everything is shared here and nearly no-one's complaining."
Nessie's jaw dropped at the revelation of a communal society.
"Hah, I win," Sheila gloated, "people can live communally."
"Now now my little shrimp," Mr Mortis warned, "Don't get too carried away with you competitiveness." Sheila apologised then Mr. Mortis continued, "Anyway, if your one of those greedy bastards, this place is probably not for you as the pay is very low. Not like anyone cares around here."
"Hey, sir," Li Zhang asked, "Why did you want to talk to me?"
"I just want to say sorry for all the bullcrap from episode 4," Mr. Mortis apologised, "I feel bad for keeping you in the game but one major group behind preventing the creation of a better world is misanthropes. To me, everyone has a legit reason behind their sins. I think it's time you confessed your history. Maybe not now but tonight. I gotta get going now. Bye."
So the Critic turned the TV off.
Confessional: There's always an alternative. Sorry Nessie.
Nessie: I don't believe this. How can society function without the ultimate authority of the market? Whatever, who cares.
Jim: I honestly thought something like that is the stuff of fairy tales. Maybe it's a one off thing. I'm still going to the top!
"This next guest, Jacques, is for Victor," said the Nostalgia Critic as he turned the TV back on to reveal an 18 year old skater dude at the pub in New York.
"Hey little bro," greeted Jacques, "How's the camp?"
"Pretty cool actually," Victor replied, "I got to mess around with Chris and the Nerd." The AVGN scowled at this.
"Hey, why do you sound like Jude from 6teen," Lauren asked.
"I don't know brah, it just sort of happened," Jacques shrugged, "Back to you baby bro. I really don't think that name is appropriate for you anymore as our mom gave birth to a baby girl the moment you got to the island."
Everyone went 'Aww' at this to which Victor blushed.
"Anyway," Jacques continued, "I saw everything. The 'one man show', the ballet recital, I mean that made you fun to watch. And I know you have the hots for that Mari-chick. Now don't forget, your bar mitzvah is in about a week to celebrate your 13th birthday. You'll be a man like I am. I remember my bar mitzvah. It was awesome; I got a heap more respect in the Jewish community. Take care now."
The Critic turned the TV off.
"Okay, I am going to sue the pants of that loser," Chris yelled, "He ripped off my voice! Boss, tell him off!"
"Nobody cares Chris," the Critic shouted back to which Chris recoiled, "Now. This next guest, Angelina, is for Mari." He turned the TV back on to reveal a hot, 16 year old blonde chick sunbathing at a pool.
"Oh boy," Jim smirked, "Look at that hottie." Sheila slapped his face.
"Yeah, you tell him, hippy girl," Angelina said before focusing on Mari, "Hi, mon soeur. It's me, Angelina, sunbathing as usual. I see you're wearing various clothes each day like usual."
"Yeah, you got me," Mari said.
"I know right," Angelina continued, "That must mean you're popular among the cast. But how long could it last when I'm around? But don't take that negatively, I still love you. And that pranking boy looks really cute. You should date him. Au revoir."
The Critic turned the TV off while Mari composed herself.
Confessional: What's the matter?
Mari: Back home, I'm really popular at my school for my elaborate and ever-changing attire. But every time Angelina steps in, I feel like nothing. She just has a better body than me. That's why I make those outfits. To stay ahead.
"Now this guest, Claire, is for Lauren," said the Critic as he turned on the TV to reveal a blonde woman in her mid 30's living in a nice looking house.
"Mom," Lauren said, "What are you doing here?"
"Oh, I just wanted to say hello to my honey bee," Claire responded, "You may be wondering why I'm in a good looking house. Well, the move was successful. We are now in Edmonton, Alberta. I've had a good check of the place and I've found the neighbourhood to be friendly overall. There may still be the occasional bully but you can take care of them no probs. Right now I'm trying to sign you up for gymnastics classes so don't forget to bring your leotard."
"Yeah, right," Lauren blushed.
"Oh, I know that blush," Claire continued, "You kissed a boy last night. Malcolm is it? Anyway, I have to go now. Bye!"
The Critic turned the TV off so that Lauren could say, "Sheesh mom, did you have to say that in front of several people?"
"Well I'll be," said Li Zhang, "I knew you took gymnastics. It's a unisex sport, no need to be ashamed. Too bad most people don't get it."
"Hey, it's nothing okay," Lauren retorted, "And so what if I hooked up with Malcolm, you're all going to get someone meaningful at some point!"
"Okay, that's enough," the Critic said, "Now we have two more guests, Thomas and Alfred, who would like to speak to Malcolm." The Critic turned on the TV to reveal 15-year-old twin boys in overalls and standing next to a tractor. Their clothes alternate between red and blue and whatever colour pattern one has down, the other has a reversed scheme.
"Hey ya Mal," Thomas and Alfred said in unison, "How's camp?"
"It's alright I guess," Malcolm said, "Nice to see the both of you again. I still don't know how I got here though. How's things back at the Commune?"
"Well for one, I gots myself a girlfriend," said Thomas, "Poor Al over there is still single."
"Well maybe I want to be single," said Alfred, "I won't have to be distracted from helping my pa with them cows."
"Well, whatever works for you," said Thomas, "My girlfriend is more than happy to help out the both of us."
"Well enough about us Mal," said Alfred, "You yourself now has a mighty fine girlfriend. I'll bet she looks like the kind help you out on your field."
"Thanks guys," Malcolm thanked, "You have always been awesome! I'm sure L wouldn't mind coming over for a visit."
"Well, maybe after the first semester back at school," Lauren responded.
"Fair enough," Malcolm said.
"Bye Mal," the both of them waved goodbye as the Critic turned the TV off.
"Well, that should get the female teenage demographic something to enjoy," the Critic commented, "Hot guys. Anyway, this next guest, Xander, is for Jim. This oughta be good." He turned the TV on to reveal a balding black man with his back facing the camera in a gritty landscape.
"Son, it's me, your father," said Xander, "How's the camp going?"
"It's okay," Jim replied, "I'm going all the way. I guarantee you that."
"Good," said Xander, "I need the prize money to survive in this hellhole. And to buy some neat gold rings."
"Rings or no rings, these people are below me," Jim said, "everyone know the Jamaican race is the best one there is."
"Is it son," Xander questioned, "You were motivated by Nazi thought? There is more to this world than just proving we're the better race. You must win the money."
"And what if I don't," said Jim skeptically as his beliefs were questioned.
"IF YOU DON'T THEN I SWEAR TO GOD YOU ARE GOING TO BE PUNISHED BIG TIME! That is all."
The Critic turned the TV off while Jim was shaking in fear leaving everyone in conclusion.
Confessional: Is there more to Jim's life than simply 'survival of the fittest?'
Jim: You know, I'm starting to think my dad doesn't like me. He questioned my beliefs, threatened to hurt me and use the money on useless junk. No! I must keep going! (sighs)
"Okay, last guest," said the Critic, "This is Oscar, CEO of Exxon Mobil and President of the Caribbean Union, and he's for Nessie." He turned on the TV one last time to reveal a pudgy balding businessman in a green pinstripe suit in his office.
"Ah, yes. Total Drama Tween Island," Oscar said, "One of the greatest shows in the world and my sweet little princess is playing. Is the oil ready?"
"Yes daddy," Nessie confirmed as she pushed the red button on a handheld detonator resulting in a minor shaking noise, "the silos are filling up now. You should probably send over your trucks right now because once the silos are gone, I'm calling it quits. After all, I already have a crapload of money, right?"
Oscar looked quite shocked at this news and began thinking. He then sent one of his own security personnel before saying, "I see. Well I might as well tell you the sad news. You see, your mother was fighting a bad case of cancer and she died. I am so sorry. Cheerio."
So the Critic turned the TV off one last time just as Nessie rushed outside presumably to cry hard.
Confessional: Oh dear, that can't be good.
Nessie: (Crying hard) Mommy! Why! Why! (Gasps and turns into Bedlam) Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Finally. I am free and in control. Now I can cause all kinds of chaos on this island. I can't be caught though but I can perfectly imitate that brat otherwise known as Nessie. They'll never suspect a thing.
After a long while, with Sheila muttering, "Oh boy," 'Nessie' came back inside and sat down.
"Nessie, you've been gone a long time now," said Mari, "What happened?"
"Well you know," 'Nessie' sniffled, "My mommy's dead now." "And so are you when I'm done!"
"Okay, kids," said the Nostalgia Critic, "Sorry for the wait. Now let me see you broccoli."
Evidently, only Sheila and Malcolm have finished theirs. Jim, Lauren, Li Zhang, 'Nessie' and Victor were partially done and Mari didn't even touch hers.
"Okay, that's acceptable enough," said the Critic, "Now, are you ready for you surprise?"
"Here it is kids," Chris interrupted, "I'm shuffling the teams into a theme that is eternal and age old, the Battle of the Sexes!"
Sheila growled at this.
Confessional: Oh dear.
Sheila: Age old!? Religion is supposed to be a matter strictly for individuals and certain communities; not something that directs the politics of any given system! $#!% like this is not compatible with progress! IT JUST SLOWS THINGS DOWN!
In her rage, Sheila threw her plate hard at Chris. Luckily he dodged but the plate shattered surprising everybody.
"What the *^$% was that all about," the AVGN asked angrily.
"Oh dear, I am so sorry," Sheila apologised, "It's just that what Chris said should never be in politics. I think it is heavily insulting to human progress."
"CHRIS," the Critic yelled, "WHAT THE *^$% IS THE MEANING OF THIS!?"
"Dude, chill out," Chris pleaded, "I was just trying to be funny. She over-reacted."
"I DON'T CARE," the Critic continued as he shoved a dunce hat on Chris's head earning him huge ridicule, "NOW GO SIT IN THE DAMN CORNER!"
Chris mopingly walked over to the corner where he sat in absolute misery.
"How dare he provoke one of the campers into primal rage," the Critic muttered, "I'm sorry but the teams stay as they are until the merge. Oh, and Sheila, your team is getting penalised for scaring the pants off of me. Meet Sh*t Pickle."
Just then, a living gherkin with poo on its head was bouncing over to the Crocosaurs table saying, "Sh*t Pickle," over and over again much to their chagrin.
Confessional: Now you see why this is called Total Drama?
Sheila: Well, it is my fault for scaring the Critic, even if it is all traced back to Chris who thankfully got to sit in the naughty corner. Well I think we all have something that pisses us off. So here's my advice: ignore it whenever possible and refuse to associate with it but at the same time keep it private.
"Now that that detour is over," the Critic continued, "let's discuss today's challenge. Today, you are going to stuff yourself with delicious desserts that the Nerd worked on all morning."
All the campers cheered except for Mari.
"I don't know," Mari said scared, "desserts are yummy but I could get fat."
"Well tough $#!%," said the Critic, "You signed up for this. Anyway, you are going through 7 rounds of desserts. Your objective is to eat whatever's presented to you. Only when one round is done will you move onto the next. But if you puke, you're out and your dish will be fed to Leroy."
He pointed to a big pink monster sleeping in another corner.
"But please, if you are going to puke, keep it civilised and barf into the trash can on your way out to the bench outside. Last one standing wins immunity for their team and a special prize to themselves."
"That explains Sh*t Pickle for the Crocosaurs," the Nerd commented, "It could induce nausea. Okay, here's your first damn round."
The Nerd threw bananas at the campers for their 1st round. They managed to eat them easily meaning it is straight to round 2.
"Aw, this isn't so bad," Mari said as the Nerd cut up a big cake into 8 equal sized pieces to feed the campers, "Oh dear."
Cliffhanger time! Now we dead into gross out territory for the next chapter will certain have a lot of puking. Also I know the messages from home thing is a very common thing in Total Drama fanfiction but I've given it a twist in which whoever's calling from home can actively interact with the campers. Also notable are potential character development for Jim, the Lauren/Malcolm hook-up and the beginning of an arc involving Nessie being taken over by an evil demon.
Next time: Lots of eating and spewing, Li Zhang tells his back story and someone else leaves.