Disclaimer: Total Drama is owned by Fresh TV, Teletoon and Cartoon Network while the Nostalgia Critic is owned by Doug Walker of Channel Awesome and the AVGN is owned by James Rolfe of Cinemassacre.
Note: This is dedicated to the late Robin Williams, having taken his own life in the face of depression on the 11th of August. You will be greatly missed.
Chris McLean stood on the dock of Shame to give the outro.
"Last time on Total Drama Tween Island," Chris began, "the boss had to leave with the Nerd for a good round of fishing. So I was left in charge of the show until he got back. But apparently, all firings and disqualifications are still his call. And that dumb dog, Fred, that showed up only recently did not help matters.
"Originally the campers were meant to build marble statues of forest animals but then I used up all of the marble to make a big statue of myself because I am awesome! So instead, I sent them all into the mess hall kitchen to break as much stuff as they could while looking for coloured keys. The keys were used to unlock vehicles needed for the real challenge: tagging 3 distinct landmarks on Wawanakwa Island!
"However, Chef wouldn't go down without a fight so he sent some red vagineers as an obstacle. Yeah, I still stand by my personal plans to host Total Drama: Vagineer Island once this season's over! Anyway, it was Nessie, or should I say Bedlam, who got the best one, some random phoenix which she used Victor to tame. Due to forming some sort of 'alliance', Victor went to do all of Bedlam's dirty work.
"However, this was not to last as whatever Jim said had Victor turn on 'Nessie' who resorted to knocking him unconscious, prompting Mari to finally use the powers Sheila taught her and see that Victor really had Multiple Personality Disorder the whole time as well as save him. So he finally confessed and the two got to live happily.
"Unfortunately, Li Zhang had the sudden drive to blow stuff up. He took the dynamite that out local BLU vagineer was possessing to blow up my statue! Ugh! I would have disqualified him for that but, like I said, the boss wouldn't let me! Also, those stupid interns ganged up on me and threatened to have me fired if I didn't 'behave'! Assholes!
"But the elimination was satisfying anyway. I gave Bedlam the privilege to vote someone off and she eliminated Victor. Good riddance, Satan Jr! You will not be missed! However, Bedlam got exposed by Jim who was pissed off at being submissive in her alliance. With all this harsh opposition, what will Bedlam do to keep going? Can she keep going? Who will she target next? Will those interns ever leave me alone? And who will be the next person off the island? Find out right here on Total Drama Tween Island!
(Theme song: I wanna be famous)
"I trust you to host the competition in my absence, not dictate anyone's lives! That's my job! If you so dare to break one more rule, it's YOU who'll be fired," the Nostalgia Critic was shouting into his head-phone at Chris, "The Nostalgia Critic, out."
"Whoa, that is harsh, even by my standards," the Angry Video Game Nerd said reeling back from the Critic's outburst, "So anyway, do you think he got it?"
"I seriously doubt that," the Critic mumbled, "We'll just hope for the best. Now, how's the fishing going?"
"Absolute $#!%," the Nerd cursed impatiently, "I don't even know why you dragged me out here. There's hardly jack $#!% out here!"
"I just received a text, possibly from one of the producers, that I might need a short break from hosting in case I get fatigue," the Critic replied, "But no way can I cancel the show right here! So who else but Chris to take my place?"
"Why him and no-one else," the Nerd seriously questioned, "and why did I have to come!?"
"Well, the text was specific about this," the Critic said.
"I can't believe this bull$#!%," the Nerd complained, "There's no way such a request could be that specific. I must have been a con set up by Chris so he could hijack the show! And now you've fallen for it and we're both stuck in the middle of a lake that the %&*^ing Boat of Losers haphazardly dropped us off in a raft and I still don't have any fish!"
"Oh crap," the Critic realised what was happening, "We need to go back."
(Critic's Cabin)
We now head to the Nostalgia Critic's cabin. However in his absence, Chris had moved in. And so had Bedlam given her victory in the last challenge.
It was late at night and Bedlam was brainstorming some diabolical plan to not only achieve victory but to cause overall mayhem on the island.
"Okay, I need to think hard for tomorrow," Bedlam pondered, "That rotten negro had to rat me out! Now no-one will listen to me!"
"Dudette," Chris moaned tiredly, "Shush it! I'm trying to sleep!"
"I did not know you were here," Bedlam said.
"Well, I've since moved here," Chris said, "I had to find out what the boss was hoarding from me! No way can you talking to yourself ruin it!"
He went back to sleep.
"As I was saying," Bedlam whispered, "If I have any hope of winning this stupid game, I will need to play very rough, but how?"
Confessional: Evil-psycho personality hard at work.
Bedlam: Some of the ideas I've brainstormed include sabotage and giving Chris ideas of challenges that are rigged to my benefit. His mind is much weaker than the Nostalgia Critic's in addition to much greedier so he himself is putty.
Meanwhile, the vagineer was spying on Bedlam from the window, though he had to hide behind the trailer when she faced the window to avoid confrontation. Once she fell asleep, the vagineer snuck in to steal the plans Bedlam had brainstormed and storm off into the woods.
Once he saw the other mutants, the vagineer sat near them to share some news.
"Enoyreve yako," the vagineer called for attention , "Snalp s'eisseN nelots evah I. Meht raeh ot tnaw?"
"Oh yes," Weaselcake said gleefully, "Do go on mate."
"Snaem etamitigel hguorht noititepmoc reh etanimod ot stnaw ehs, snalp eseht ot gnidrocca," said the vagineer.
"Oh, now she wants to beat the game huh," growled the bear, "That dirty bitch!"
"Say," Sasquatchinakwa questioned, "Why didn't you just eat her? We'd win instantly."
"Lleh wa," the vagineer cursed.
Confessional: The mutants strike back!
Weaselcake: While the vagineer was gone, we were discussing what out group name would be. We eventually went for the Gmod Wawanakwa Alliance of Resistance, with me as the leader. Don't mix us up with a heavy metal band mate.
(Middle Place Cabin)
Meanwhile, in the middle place cabin, Jim was fast asleep. Sheila was not; in fact, she has a lot on her mind.
"Li Zhang," she thought, "I thought he had changed. I need to talk to him when he gets back."
Just then, Li Zhang had just returned from the communal washrooms when he saw that Sheila was still awake.
"What are you still up for," Li asked, "Oh, it's about my stunt, right?"
"Yes it is," Sheila confirmed sternly, "What in the bloody hell was that all about?! I thought you had changed!"
"I did," Li defended himself, "I'm easier around other people now. Well, less hard around them but really…"
"Get to the point, jackass," Sheila spat impatiently.
"I was getting to that," Li retorted, "It's just that some habits are hard to break you know? Don't forget that I've been ostracised non-stop for 4 years straight! Those foul memories are kind of hard to forget wouldn't you think?"
"And this ties in to your vandalism because," Sheila questioned.
"Well, I have something to say," Li Zhang started to confess, "In the two years I've spent alone, I've been lighting gunpowder barrels and throwing them at mountains for stress relief. But inevitably I looked at the damn village again and again, and so the nasty memories returned again. When I ran out of barrels, I've stolen some from Uyghur jihadists who just so happened to pass by. I've been doing it for so long that even the mere sight or mention of wasting landscapes made me want to do it more and…"
"Stop! Say no more," Sheila ordered to calm Li down, "You're letting your past get to you. You can't let it do that. Tell you what, we should form an alliance. Whoever wins can use the money on therapy. You in?"
"All right," Li accepted as he went to sleep. Sheila followed suit.
Confessional: Now everyone has a reason to fight for the money! They always had but now it's real!
Li Zhang: Every night, I used to have nightmares of my years in that %&#*ing village! I will not rest easy until they've been dealt with harshly. If no-one else will do it, then I will. That's the story of my current obsession with vandalism. Stupid Chris for reminding me!
Sheila: I understand Li's pain, but meaningless violence like that never works, it only worsens the deal. That's why my grandad was relatively merciful when he spared Victoria and Tasmania from his influence.
(Interns' Cabin)
Meanwhile, in the intern cabin, Fred was fast asleep proud of his plans to control Chris.
"Dear Chris," Fred mumbled in his sleep, "You will not be missed. Amen."
Suddenly he felt the need to pee and so he got up and walked outside to pee on the side of the cabin. When he was done, Fred walked back in to confront Kyle.
"Hello Fred," Kyle said, "How is your thing with Chris?"
"Oh, you mean the blackmail," the blue wolf responded, "Awesome! Why?"
"Now I agree that Chris is an imbecile," Kyle explained, "But blackmail not the answer!"
"Oh yes it is," Fred said cynically, "He's a corrupt maniac! I'm sorry but this is the only viable method of checks and balances."
"Fred, do you even know what a trade union is," Kyle explained, "Oh, of course not. Your race is 'imperius maximus' isn't it? Well, a trade union a group of free-minded workers who work together to stand up to their bosses to make lives easier for other workers."
"That's what I'm doing," Fred backed himself up.
"No! Unionisation is a defensive technique," Kyle reasoned, "You went for the offensive! That's entirely different! You have quite a bit to learn about the art of unionism."
"Alright," Fred submitted, "But we will begin lessons in the morning."
"Fair enough," Kyle agreed as the both of them went to sleep.
Confessional: Unionism also prevents the runaway accumulation of wealth into bosses' hands.
Fred: This union business looks interesting. I still like my idea better though.
Kyle: You know, unions have roughly the same function as Kids Next Door resistance organisations. I know this because I use 2x4 technology, don't I?
(Chef's Kitchen)
It was sunrise and Mari soundly asleep under the kitchen table where it has been cleaned for her accommodation.
However, her sleep was interrupted by Chef's loud call, "Girl, get up! It's morning!"
Mari woke up startled and hit her head on the underside of the table.
"Ow," Mari groaned as she rubbed her head in pain, "Careful Chef, I was having a good sleep!"
"Really," Chef questioned sceptically.
"Well no," Mari confessed, "Now that I realise that Nessie is possessed by a maniac, I fear she may be out to get me."
"No she won't," Chef said reassuringly but sternly, "Not on my watch. Now go get dressed for today!"
With that, Mari quickly left for the cabins to get changed only for Riley to walk in tired.
"And what are you doing here," Chef asked loudly.
"I'm here for a morning beer," Riley moaned in response.
"Not today you won't," Chef shouted and threw Riley out the door and went to the ingredients, "Now, time to make breakfast."
So Chef went to work on making hamburgers for breakfast.
Later that morning, the final 5 walked into the mess hall waiting for breakfast, with Mari wearing blue jeans, white shoes, red shirt and orange cap.
"Um, why are you dressed like Victor," Li Zhang asked after noticing what Mari's wearing.
"Vicky told me to win the game for him," Mari replied, "and if that means crossdressing as him in his honour then so be it!"
"Wow, she sounds determined," Li said to himself surprised by what she said.
"Great! Now everyone's taking this game seriously," Jim declared, "Except for Sheila."
"I'm in it too," said Sheila determinedly, "For Li's rehabilitation."
"I rest my case," Jim said not listening to Sheila, "Everyone's here to win! I was actually bored until this point."
"Shut it squealer," Bedlam barked at Jim just as a hamburger came her way, "Everyone may know who I am now but I will not be easy to deal with!"
She went to eat her burger. Sheila fed her burger to Leroy as she chewed on her apple.
Just then, Chris came in to announce the challenge.
"Good morning campers," said Chris as he walked in when he noticed Chef's cooking, "Chef, why are you cooking hamburgers?"
"Hey, those kids need the protein, pretty boy," Chef responded.
"Well to be fair," Mari said in critique, "this burger could use work."
Chef growled at this.
"Yeah, even Mari had something to say here," Chris commented, "and she usually finds everything awesome. In other words, good job."
"What do you think she can do better," Chef asked.
"How about the use of spices we in North France use," Mari suggested.
"Good idea brah," Chris said giggling, "In fact you should start a business selling these things. You can call it 'Ass Burgers'!"
Mari gasped in offence as an attack on her autism. In response, Sheila saw her pain, got made and threw her plate at Chris's face, resulting in loud laughter from the kids.
"Arrgh! Shut it," Chris yelled to get them to shut up, "I just got my face fixed up for today!"
"Good one Sheila," Mari gave Sheila a thumbs-up. Sheila gave the same gesture back.
"That stupidity aside," Chris continued before lightening up, "congrats on you guys for making the final 5! Before you all head to the campgrounds where I'll be, feel free to use the confessional to tell the viewers at home what you want to do with the money.
Confessional: I'm so excited! We're almost there!
Jim: If I win the money, I'm giving it all to my dad because he said so. I've been playing roughly all this way so far to make the experience more worthwhile because lord knows I'll never use the money on myself. Don't ask!
Li Zhang: Go ahead, call me psychotic but when I win the money, I'll buy all the gunpowder I could, dump it in the village that so did me wrong and blow it up! I'll never have to deal with them again… Oh right, Sheila wants me to use it for therapy. Man, Lauren was like a mediator for me.
Mari: I'm in it for Vicky now! If I win the money, I could use it to call my parents back and we could all go on holiday to Malaysia! Oh, and I'm taking Vicky's family too! How's that for nice?
Bedlam: Nessie didn't want the money; she wanted to mine oil on this island. Either way, 75% of the profits go to her father. The rest is mine to fund the Ku Klux Klan with.
Sheila: I've looked into Li Zhang's mind and I've seen that he's suffering from an extreme case of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I want to use the money to give him some appropriate therapy but I fear that he won't rest until all the crimes inflicted on him have been reciprocated. You guys probably know this as karma.
When all of the campers had done their confessionals, they gathered around Chris.
"Thanks for letting you intents out," said Chris, "Those of Bedlam and Li Zhang are by far my favourites. Hahaha!"
"You're sick McLean," Sheila scowled, "And just get to the point!"
"Right," Chris said before announcing, "Today's challenge has you flying all the way to Boney Island, grabbing a Golden Chris statuette hidden somewhere, and coming back here. First person to do so wins the challenge."
"Don't tell me we have to go to Boney Island again," Li Zhang tried to reason.
"What's the catch," Bedlam asked, "Do we have to make our own flying machines?"
"Yeah, four of you will," Chris continued, "I'll explain later. Just follow me. Oh, and all the interns plus the phoenix have to come too."
Fred, Horace, Noland and Kyle groaned at the prospect of having to deal with Chris all season.
"All except, Riley and Leroy," Chris added, "They can stay back."
Riley and Leroy sighed in relief.
"Chris, haven't you forgotten," Fred grinned, "I'll tell the boss."
"Yeah, I fed all of the head phones to Leroy," Chris said with a grin, "You can't hurt me now."
Leroy burped, "Sorry Fred."
Confessional: Blackmail aborted.
Fred: Damn it! That bastard has thought of everything! I'll have to try something else.
Kyle: Told ya, Fred. After this, I will teach you the proper worker union etiquette. Only then will you succeed.
Sometime later, Chris had led the campers and interns to the bay filled with waste barrels and marble debris. The interns plus the phoenix are locked in cages.
"Fess," Noland groaned, "Vhat is zis? Guantanamo Bay?"
"Heck no," Horace corrected, "This is where Fred attempted to rat out Chris."
"No he didn't," Chris denied.
"Never mind then," Horace sighed, "But think of it this way, everything happens for a reason. Maybe we're tools for a challenge."
"Vell, if you put zat way," Noland said cheerfully.
"Okay, now that the interns have stop squawking bull$#!%," Chris said to the campers, "This is where you'll build your flying machines."
"Um, I don't want to be rude," Sheila noted, "But we can't use marble and used uranium alone!"
"Exactly," Chris laughed, "I think it's time I let something out. The reason why this island has mutated creatures, and subsequently vagineers, is that this part of the island has been sold to the Caribbean Union as a dumping ground of sorts. Too bad the boss made me clean most of it up but he's not here so no worries!"
"So what has this got to do with the challenge," Li Zhang said sceptically.
"In addition to nuclear waste," Chris continued, "They've also dumped here some random junk."
Just hearing this made Sheila run off and barf in disgust.
Confessional: Government authorised littering!? What is this world coming too!?
Sheila: (Speaking sickly) That's it! If I lose this game, I'm calling Grandad to end that wretched country! Their complete disregard for life on Earth is appalling! (Barfs in the toilet).
Once Sheila has returned, Chris continued, "You are to use this junk to build your flying machine. Now I don't want to sound redundant so I'm giving you all some help. Each cage over there contains a helper; the cages are colour coded for a reason. Which helper you get is dependent on the colour of marshmallow you pick out of this bag."
Chris then held up a special bag of marshmallows for reference. The cage colours are as follows: red for Horace, purple for Noland, green for Kyle, blue for Fred and gold for the phoenix.
"If you get the gold marshmallow you can head straight for Boney Island on the phoenix," Chris added as the campers picked coloured marshmallows which would determine their helpers.
"Okay, I got red," said Shiela who was holding the red marshmallow, "I think Horace and I will get along just fine."
"I get green," Mari said holding the green marshmallow, "So I get to have Kyle. He worked with Vicky so he shouldn't be too hard."
"You got that right," Kyle said as Chef let him out to join Mari who is eating the marshmallow.
"Okay, purple," said Li Zhang unsurely holding the purple marshmallow, "I guess Noland's mine then."
"Hey, I get blue and therefore Fred," Jim cheered while he got the blue marshmallow.
"So by deduction, I must have gold," Bedlam said proudly while opening her hand to reveal a golden marshmallow, "Now where's that phoenix!"
"Yours for the taking brah," said Chris as he released the phoenix who ran off into the forest for Bedlam to chase.
"Okay then," Jim said dumbfounded.
"You just got lucky," Chris laughed, "That phoenix is hard as heck to work with. But your helpers will certainly help you but only in certain ways: Horace can piece your flying machine together, Noland can carry them, Fred is quick and good to ride on and Kyle can locate them using gadgets."
"They're called 2x4 technology," Kyle corrected Chris referring to his F.I.N.D.I.T. (Finding Instrument Naturally Detects Important Things), "Get your facts right!"
"These are four abilities you need to catch up with Bedlam," Chris continued, "Your helper has only one so you have to use your own powers for the other 3. Now, I have a second bag filled with cards. Pick one out and determine what flying machine you get to build."
Chris then held up a rather smelly bag and the campers reached into it for the cards.
"A hot air balloon," said Sheila, "Sounds easy enough."
"Sounds like an easy victory if you ask me," said Horace while Sheila gave a thumbs-up.
"A helicopter," Jim cheered, "Now this is a man's flying machine!"
"You got that right," Fred agreed.
"An airplane," Mari sighed, "Looks cool but how do you make one?"
"I'll try to help out wherever possible," Kyle said, "But I cannot guarantee success."
"What!? A rocket," Li Zhang gasped, "Can it be a gunpowder rocket!?"
"Nope," Chris replied mockingly, "It has to sustain flight for enough time for a trip to Boney Island and back at the very least."
"Crap," Li cursed as her turned to Noland, "Any ideas?"
"Nein," Noland said disappointingly, "Us vyvernflies are crap engineers. Ve tend to hire minotaurs for zat. Sorry."
"Well, I'm going to get something else," Li went to the bag again to get another card only to get struck by a mousetrap, "Ow! Never mind then."
"Okay, now that everyone know what to do," Chris concluded, "Whoever builds their flying machine first gets to win a smoke machine to use on your opponents and Bedlam. Now go!
All right! Break time! Now I've put up a poll on my Deviantart account on who out of the final 5 you want to root for. Good luck.
Next time: Our campers take to the skies and the challenge goes awry. Another person is eliminated.