And so he was. Their weekly trysts went unnoticed by the others for 6 weeks, and Lily began to once again feel like she could place one foot in front of the other. Exam season was about to dawn, and thanks to James's calming effect, Lily's head was above water.
But James was drowning. Lily's effect on him was less than calming, leading his friends to question his unusual behaviour. He had told them nothing about his stolen kisses shared with the girl of his dreams in an empty charms classroom, but he knew suspicion was growing. He tried his best to revert to his boisterous self but his patched up heart was cracking under the strain of unfulfilled hope and promised. After a particularly lengthy grilling from the Marauders, James decided it was time to act.
They had both made their excuses for not visiting Hogsmeade on a particularly sunny June weekend and instead spent a visit in a long unused ground-floor classroom, with the invisibility cloak close at hand. Lily beamed as she entered, bouncing towards him and flinging her arms around his neck.
'I've been looking forward to this all week' she intoned, tilting her head back to watch his reaction, then frowning at his unexpectedly grave attitude.
'Lily', he began, placing his hands on the crook of her elbows, and gently guiding her hands away from their embrace around his neck. 'I can't do this anymore.'
She took a step back from him. 'Oh' was all she could pronounce.
'It's breaking my heart' he said simply.
'But James, you knew this was all it could be. I thought you understood.'
'I did. I do. But it doesn't stop me aching for more. I'd rather have nothing than this.'
'So you're giving me an ultimatum?'
'Yes Lily, it's all or nothing.'
She took a deep breath, appearing to be teetering on the edge of something, then swallowed and spoke.
'I still don't feel ready. I'm not emotionally available. I feel like I'd be going into it for all the wrong reasons.'
'Is that your head answering or your heart?'
'It's my head James, I don't trust myself.'
'So you want nothing?' he asked, a little seed of anger sprouting in his voice.
'I can't. I'm sorry' she said, and with that she fled the room, leaving James staring at his palms and feeling the emptiness in his hands. In this instance, he regretted the conversation with all his heart, but he knew he was doing his future self a favour. This didn't stop the pervading sense of foolishness that engulfed him, and he hoped it wouldn't turn to bitterness.