Lily hesitated after only three strides out of the Great Hall, considering turning on her heel and going back. She was just too embarrassed at the thought of the crowd, of how public their friendship-come-relationship had become. She wished that there was a spell to magic them all away and have an honest conversation, right now in this moment, but it was to no avail.
She continued forward towards the common room, with half a mind to wait up for James when he got back from the ball. This too she decided against, as everyone would see her and stare. She wished she didn't care so much, where was the carefree, courageous, confident Lily she used to be? The shock of her father's death had knocked her flat and getting back on her feet was taking time; she hoped her old self wasn't completely out of reach, but that there was a promise of recovery further down the line. Perhaps James would be the very person to aid that recovery.
Over the past six months her budding feelings for James had unnerved her. If you'd have told her this time last year that in six months' time she would be falling for James Potter, she would have marched you down to the Hospital Wing. She could attribute the starting point back to them having a seating plan under their new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, who decided to order the class depending on last year's OWL grades (James edged Lily out of top spot last year by 2 marks). As they were paired together for all practicals, she got to see the more mature, responsible side of him and was impressed at just how good his magic was.
He had also stopped asking her out as much, showing off in front of his friends, and hexing people in the corridors for a laugh. She saw the side of him that all of her friends had been seeing for the last couple of years, the side she had been determined hadn't existed. In the last six months he had turned from an immature prankster into a kind and caring man. So why did she keep refusing him?
Her father's death at the beginning of March had turned her world upside down, meaning that Petunia was her only family now – excepting her hideous boyfriend who Lily very much hoped would never become "family". Lily was scared that the only reason she had become so fixated on James was that he was safe, a guaranteed love. She knew he had been in love with her since first year, and she questioned whether her subconscious was clinging to him for stability. It was for this reason she was so insistently pushing him away. She was resolutely deciding with her head and not her heart.
But what if her father hadn't died; would she still be having these feelings for James if he hadn't been so good to her when she returned to school in April, behind on work and prone to late night crying fits? Would their relationship have developed naturally after his inevitable split from Miriella. Perhaps if she'd accepted his advances on Valentine's Day then they would never have got together. But it was too early for her, her feelings for him were too new, and that oh-so-sensible side of her was not ready to let him in.
She was certain her father would have liked him; he would have admired his courage, his sense of humour, his gravity, his benevolence. As Lily thought more and more about James meeting her father, it dawned on her that she would be feeling exactly this if her father were still alive. She would want James every inch as much as she did now, and she would want him for him and not for the safety he promised. She went to bed imagining her father meeting James; the awkward start, the steady flow of conversation, the father-daughter chat when James went to the loo, the parting, her father expressing the hope that he would see 'the young Mr Potter' again soon...