Chapter 13 - Despair

Sara stared blearily down at her coffee, slouching in her chair. Why again had they stayed up so late?

"You look terrible," Titus informed her from across the table.

"Shut up," she muttered. She suddenly had an appreciation for why Elmina wasn't a morning person. If she felt like this every morning then no wonder she was so grumpy. For this reason she'd taken pity on the younger girl and not woken her up. Someone might as well get a decent amount of sleep. Adele was still in the library reading. As far as Sara could tell, her younger sister hadn't even bothered going to bed. There was a time when the Luminescent Alchemist had been able to pull off complete all-nighters without even flinching. Now just the idea of it was painful to consider. Man. She felt old.

At that moment Elior strolled into the kitchen. Sara glanced up at him and blinked in surprise, his expression giving her pause. A tingling of anxiety rose up in her chest. She'd thought he'd started to seem a little off last night, but she'd chalked it up to fatigue. If how he looked now was any indication though, it was more than that. Her fiancé sank down into the chair across from her. His wild brown hair was a little more ruffled than usual from bedhead and he not surprisingly looked tired. But it was the heaviness in his gaze that concerned her. She recognized it. Though it had been a while since it had bothered him, she knew that depression had dogged him off and on over the years. He was good at covering it up, claiming he was used to it. But she could tell just by looking at him that he wasn't feeling good.

"Hey," she said softly, watching him with concern, "Is it back?" she asked. He met her gaze with a faint smile.

"Yeah, it seems to be. I felt it coming on last night," he replied. Sara frowned. "Don't worry," he told her, "It's not serious, just mild to moderate. It's fine. I'll probably feel a little better once I get some more rest," his tone was reassuring.

"I hope so," Sara murmured.

"You've been fine for a while haven't you?" Titus commented, "Seems odd for it to show up out of the blue,"

"I've found that's usually the way it works actually," Elior replied, tone faintly amused. Titus shook his head.

"That isn't quite what I'm getting at. What was that other creature you were worried was going to go after Mina next?" he asked. Sara blinked, then her eyes widened.

"You don't think…" she trailed off uncertainly.

"Where is Mina?" Elior asked, a concerned frown making its way onto his face.

"As far as I know she's still sleeping," Sara replied. Elior rose to his feet.

"I'll go get Elsie. Someone should check on her," he said, turning and strolling from the room.

Elmina heard the door open and her eyes flickered open slowly. Was it finally morning? She felt like she'd just managed to fall asleep. Ugh. She'd always considered morning consciousness to be painful, but it was nothing compared to this. If only she could turn over and fall back to sleep… Who had come to check on her? She wasn't sure she wanted to bother pushing the covers back to see.

"Elmina," it was her mother's voice. She felt a touch on her shoulder. "Are you ok?" the older woman asked. After a moment of silence Elsie reached out and pulled the covers away from her daughters face. Elmina slowly turned her head to stare at her. Though she knew the answer to her mother's question was glaringly obvious, she couldn't seem to find the words to respond past the haze of pain clouding her thoughts. Though by the way her mother's expression dropped upon seeing her face, perhaps she really didn't need to say anything anyway. "When did she show up?" Elsie whispered, clearly referring to Despair.

"Last night, just before I went to bed," Elmina replied hoarsely. Elsie stared at her blankly for a moment before closed her eyes in a pained expression.

"Dammit," she whispered.

A moment later her mother sat down on the edge of the bed and Elmina was pulled upright into a tight hug. The dark haired girl blinked at the sudden change in position. She was dimly surprised to realize that the feeling of arms around her brought a slight easing to the pain in her core. It was like the hug was somehow holding the cracked, broken pieces of her together, if only for a moment. She rested her head against her mother's shoulder, clinging to her tightly. Could her mom possibility understand what she was going through right at that moment? Perhaps she could, if these creatures really were part of what had once been her disorder.

"Don't leave me," she whispered hoarsely. She wasn't sure she could stand one more minute of the horrible lonely pain inside her, and at the very least her mother's presence brought a distraction. A moment later she felt something warm trickle between her cheek and her mother's neck. She blinked in surprise. Was her mother crying?

"I'm not going anywhere," Elsie promised softly. Elmina swallowed uncertainly, a feeling of unease marring the momentarily relief of her mother's embrace. Was she upsetting her mom? Well…maybe that was a stupid question. Having her daughter clinging to her in pain couldn't be a pleasant experience for her. She pulled back and her suspicions were confirmed. There were tears streaking her mother's cheeks.

You're hurting her. How can you be so selfish?

The voice echoed through her mind. Its coldly accusing sound sent a stab of guilt through her core, intensifying the heavy pain eating at her. It was right. Between what had happened several nights ago and now, she'd been putting her poor parents through hell. And it was entirely her fault. If she'd listened to her dad and stayed at the hotel back when she'd first arrived in Central none of this would be happening.

You're a miserable excuse for a daughter.

She swallowed hard. The voice was right. But was it really necessary for Despair to mock her like this?

"We're going to find a way to fix this," her mother's voice drew her out of her pained thoughts. Elmina nodded numbly. She really hoped her mother was right. "You should come out to the kitchen. Everyone is worried. Elior suspected she might have shown up," Elsie said. Elmina blinked slowly at these words. The thought of going out to see everyone made her heart sink even lower. The humiliation of Titus seeing her in such a deadened state was bad enough. But worse than that was the thought of seeing Adele. Her blonde friend would blame herself for it, sure as day. There was no way she could cover this up. Not when it was this intense. The knowledge that her very presence would be a burden on those around her burned like a searing brand in her mind. She needed to be alone at all costs.

"How did Elior know?" she inquired softly. Elsie's expression wavered.

"Well…you know he feels down sometimes. His body seems to have reacted to Despair's presence nearby," her mother replied. Elmina swallowed.

"I want to stay in here," she said. Elsie sighed.

"I know being around everyone is the last thing you want right now. But trust me this is the best thing for you. It's not safe for you to isolate yourself," her mother told her firmly.

"No," Elmina's voice wavered. A desperate stubbornness filled her. There was no way she was leaving this bed. She simply refused. Elsie frowned, recognizing the mulish look entering her daughter's deadened eyes.

"Elmina, don't make me get your father. You need to come out and at least have some breakfast," her tone left no room for argument. Elmina hesitated. The thought of being carried out of the bedroom room over her father's shoulder was not appealing.

"I can't do this," she whispered, eyes pleading with her mother to change her mind.

"Yes you can," Elsie's expression softened, "Come on. Let's go," she held out a hand to her daughter. Elmina stared at it numbly. The desperate, painful frustration which her mother's words raised inside her made her want to burst into tears. She swallowed hard, forcing the urge back. She was much too old to be acting like a spoilt brat, regardless of how awful she might feel. With a shaky breath she took her mother's offered hand, allowing herself to be pulled to her feet.

As the dark haired mother and daughter strolled into the kitchen, the people seated at the table there glanced up at them expectantly. Adele and Titus were there, as well as Sara. Her father, Roy, Riza and AJ were nowhere to be seen, and neither was Elior. Well, at least she didn't have to cope with everyone at once.

"Mina?" Adele rose to her feet, clearly worried. Elmina glanced at her, taking in her expression. Was she supposed to respond? She watched as her friend crossed the room to her, looking her over. "Oh man, you look terrible," Adele whispered. Then abruptly Elmina was pulled into a hug. It was unusually tight coming from the blonde girl, betraying her anxiety. The dark haired girl slowly moved her arms to return the hug. She felt so slowed down…

"I'm going to fix this! I promise!" Adele told her fiercely, "You just hang in there, okay?" she pulled back to stare at her. Elmina nodded slowly. Abruptly the blonde girl spun around to face her sister.

"Sara," her tone was meaningful. The older girl nodded.

"Alright, let's go. We can finish up what we were working on last night and then I'll head to the library and see if we can find the information we're missing," Sara replied. Then both girls swiftly departed. Elmina stared after them slowly, a little amazed at their speediness.

"Mina, come sit down. I'll get something for you to eat," her mother told her, moving away across the kitchen. It took a moment for Elmina to process the words, but she turned and made her way robotically to the table. She sat down and stared straight ahead of her into space. It took a minute for her to notice when Titus cleared his throat. She glanced at him.

"What happened last night? You look worse than usual," he commented. She blinked at him slowly. Did she really need to answer? Having to come up with the words was such an effort. She was too tired and painful to even notice the slight jab in his statement.

"Despair showed up," she replied hollowly, glancing away.

"…I can see that," his tone was dry. Much to her relief he didn't attempt to continue the conversation. Her mother set a bowl of cereal down in front of her. The dark haired girl stared down at it for a moment. It was vaguely surprising to note she was faintly hungry. But for some reason the idea of consuming food was utterly unappealing. It became even less so when she discovered that the normally sweet cereal tasted disgustingly like ash in her mouth. The flavor seemed to have disappeared. Unfortunately her mother sat across from her, watching her with a meaningful look that clearly stated she wouldn't allow her daughter to leave the table until her meal was finished. Damn. She felt like she was twelve years old again.

Sometime later she finally forced down the last bite, trying not to gag.

"Good," her mother's voice was relieved. Rising to her feet Elsie grabbed her daughter's bowl to take back to the sink. Elmina sat for a moment, an uncomfortable sick feeling in her stomach now that the weight of the food was inside it. This really wasn't an enjoyable experience. If only she could make it stop somehow… Her thoughts drifted to Elior. Her mom had said he was down too. Maybe she should go see him.

"Where is Elior?" she asked, not sure who she was directing the question at.

"I haven't seen him since he told me to check on you," Elsie replied, glancing up from the dishes she was washing in the sink.

"He's probably somewhere like the living room. He likes being alone when he's not feeling good," Titus told her. Elmina processed his words and nodded slowly. Now that she could definitely understand. Just being in the same room as her mother and Titus was making her even more tired. She rose to her feet.

"I'm going to go talk to him," she stated.

"Alright. That's a good idea," her mother replied. Elmina turned and left the room.

She wandered slowly down the hall towards the living room. Sure enough she found him there, seated in one of the chairs which faced out the large windows overlooking the street outside. His elbows were resting on his knees, head bowed in a posture that mirrored the painful, crushing exhaustion she felt bearing down on her own shoulders. She swallowed hard, forcing her legs to move forward and take her to a chair near him which she sat in. From this angle she could see his face and was a little surprised to see his eyes closed in a relatively peaceful expression.

"What are you doing?" she asked quietly, voice flat. It was a moment before his eyes flickered open and he glanced at her. He smiled faintly.

"I'm praying," he replied simply. Elmina frowned slightly.

"Why?" she asked uncertainly. She'd always been vaguely aware that Elior was religious, but since he didn't go around loudly trumpeting it, it wasn't something she'd given much thought to.

"Why not?" he countered softly, expression slightly amused. Elmina was silent for a moment. She could think of a few responses, but they'd all likely be offensive to him. He was a nice guy. It didn't seem fair to shoot him down callously.

"I just don't understand why you'd bother talking to someone who doesn't talk back," she replied finally, tone puzzled. At this he raised his eyebrows.

"What makes you think he doesn't talk back?" he asked. Elmina's frown deepened. Well… she'd never really thought much about it. But obviously a voice didn't boom down from the sky in response, and believing God was speaking to you directly in your mind was the equivalent to being a nut case. "You've never tried praying before?" he sounded curious.

"I don't know why I'd bother," she replied, glancing away disinterestedly. Silence settled over the room for a few minutes. After a moment Elmina glanced back at him, wondering if she'd offended him. He was staring out the window, expression thoughtful. She probably didn't need to bother worrying. As far as she could tell Elior didn't possess any sort of temper to speak of. He wasn't someone who took offence easily.

"Well, he does talk back, if you ever feel like giving it a try sometime," he commented finally. Elmina blinked, regarding him oddly.

"Uh…" how was she supposed to respond to a statement like that? At her expression he actually chuckled slightly.

"Now Elmina, don't look at me like I've grown a second head. You just have to know how to listen," he replied.

"How to listen?" her tone was extremely skeptical.

"Well…It's impossible to know what he'll make use of to answer you. You just have to open your eyes and be aware. More often than not he speaks through the people around you. It doesn't matter if they're religious or not," he explained.

"Uh-huh…" Elmina's tone was still skeptical. Elior smirked faintly.

"You should give it a try sometime," he suggested.

"Right. I'll keep that in mind…" she replied, glancing away. Clearly it was time to change the subject. "So um… you've been depressed before?" she asked. He smiled sadly.

"Yeah. On and off over the years. I can tell just by looking at you that you're worse off than me though," he told her frankly. Elmina stared at the floor. He was probably right. At least he seemed…at peace…or something. In any case, he didn't look as utterly lost and miserable as she felt.

"How do you know?" she asked numbly.

"Well for one, I've got a lot of practice with this. It's always the hardest the first few times you go through it. And I'd say you're getting hit at a rather severe level at the moment. It would make sense, considering how much of an effect Mania was able to have on you," he replied. When she continued staring silently at the floor he sighed softly. "Want to talk about it?" he asked. She glanced up at him uncertainly.

"What's there to talk about?" she asked tiredly.

"Tell me how you feel," he replied gently. She chewed the inside of her lip for a moment.

Why bother talking to him? It's a waste of energy. It won't help and he won't understand.

The cold voice echoed through her mind and her jaw clenched. Despair was starting to piss her off.

"I feel like I'm being crushed to death," she forced the words out. Dammit all she'd talk about it just to spite the black eyed freak. "I just can't see the point in anything anymore. It was there…just yesterday morning. I was happy, and now… I can't remember why," she was startled to hear her voice break slightly and she drew in a shaky breath, steading herself. "Just being alive…it's so painful. And… I don't see it ever getting better. I mean, these creatures aren't going to leave me alone. This is going to keep happening, over and over again. What's the point in living if I'm just going to be miserable the whole time?" she demanded, desperation creeping into her tone. Elior stared out the window for a moment, expression grim.

"That's something you have to answer for yourself. It's not easy. Although it's a lot more difficult if you believe that this is all there is," he replied finally. She blinked, staring at him uncertainly.

"What do you mean?"

"Well…if you believe that this life is all there is, that we live, we die and that's the end of it… Ideally you'd try to enjoy yourself as much as possible while you're alive. Make the most of it since this is all there is, right?" he glanced at her. She stared at him, expression wavering. He smirked sadly, "If that's the case then you and me are royally screwed," his gaze flicked back to the window, expression distant.

"What do you believe?" she asked finally. He was silent for a moment, watching the vehicles passing by in the street.

"Well…personally I don't believe this is all there is," he smirked faintly, "That would be incredibly depressing,"

"So…you believe in the afterlife then?" Elmina asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I believe that this is just an initial growing period. That ultimately our true lives don't begin until after we pass on. We just have to endure life here until that point," he replied simply.

"What's the point in a growing period?" she demanded flatly.

"Well, I believe in good and loving God that wants us to be happy with him where he is. But he knows we wouldn't be able to have any appreciation or comprehension of it without the chance to grow and learn and come to have some understanding of him in this life. I mean…how can you be happy with someone you don't even know the first thing about? It just doesn't make sense. By giving us a growing period we have this chance to learn to live life the way he wants us to, and come to know and love him of our own free will," he replied. Elmina stared at him, expression wavering between several emotions until she settled on puzzled as the dominant one.

"So…this God you believe in. Is it Ishvala?" she asked finally. He shook his head slightly.

"That's a different religion. It has similarities, but it's not the same thing,"

"Don't tell me you believe in the sun god Leto," her tone was extremely skeptical. Thanks to Ed and his stories she was aware of the religion which Elior's mother Rose had followed at one time. And considering the phoney priest and bogus miracles involved, it hadn't made a good case for Letoism in her mind. He smirked slightly.

"Well. You could say Letoism is a corrupted, twisted version of the real thing, used to further the agenda of someone only caring about his own ambitions. Whenever you have a large group of people involved in something there will always be those who strike off on their own tangents, twisting things and carelessly injuring those around them to get their own needs met. We're a fallen race," he replied bemusedly. She stared at him silently. Well, she couldn't really argue with him there. There were some pretty rotten people in the world, not to mention a boatload of idiots. After a few moments, when it became clear she didn't intend to respond, he sighed. "Look, I don't want to bore you with my religious doctrines if it's not something you care to hear. The information is there if you chose to seek it out," he stated frankly. Elmina glanced out the window, absentmindedly pondering his words. Something about it annoyed her.

"So you're saying your reason for living is you believe if you can be a good person and tough it out you'll be happy after you die?" she asked finally, her tone rather unenthused.

"Well…I suppose that's one way of putting it," he replied.

"Ok then. Why would a 'good and loving' God make us suffer like this? What did I do to deserve to be feeling this miserable?" she demanded bitterly. He glanced at her out of the corner of his eye, his expression sad.

"I doubt you did anything to deserve it. Suffering enters into everyone's life at some point or another, though some people go through more than others. It's a difficult subject to explain, especially to someone currently suffering in their own personal hell. I doubt any answer I could try to give you would satisfy you at the moment," he replied quietly. Her expression flickered with irritation.

"It isn't fair! I didn't ask for any of this. I don't see the point in having to feel this awful," she muttered darkly.

"Well… You'll be a lot stronger once you get over this," Elior pointed out.

"If it doesn't kill me," she retorted.

"It won't," Elior smiled sadly.

"You don't know that," she snapped, "And I don't get why you believe what you do. You're miserable too," she pointed out irritably.

"I've been around longer than you," he pointed out, "And I've had experiences that you haven't had yet. It's something I've come to understand over time, once I was willing to have an open mind anyway," he replied simply. She stared at him with an unenthused expression. Have an open mind huh? That really wasn't something she had the energy for at the moment.

"Right… well I haven't had your experiences, so pardon my skepticism," she muttered, closing her eyes as exhaustion washed over her in another overwhelming wave. At this point she didn't think she could manage to keep holding a conversation. It was getting hard just to think straight. She leaned her head against the back of her chair, trying to focus on each shallow breath which entered her lungs. Seeming to sense her increased discomfort Elior continued staring out the window, making no move to continue the conversation.

Silence reigned in the room for a time. While they'd been talking she'd at least had a distraction. Now the pain just seemed to be getting worse. She half expected to look down and see a large metal pole stabbed clean through her chest. It was painful enough to be likely. If it got much worse she'd be in danger of tears, although the thought of crying was utterly exhausting. Finally she drew in a shaky breath.

"Is it always this bad?" she asked weakly, straining to keep her expression from betraying the misery washing through her.

"Not always," Elior's tone was sympathetic as he glanced at her, "You might feel a little better later. I suggest going for a walk if you can force yourself to. It'll help. And if it's any consolation, you get used to it after a while. Not that it's any less painful, but it's less of a horrifying shock to the system. At least, that's been my experience. Things might be different for you. It's hard to say," he explained. There was an understanding in his gaze as he watched her. Though his sympathy was obvious, she found it wasn't nearly as irritating as she would have expected. Perhaps it was because he actually had personal experience with what she was going through. His sympathy was sparked by empathy, not pity; for whatever reason that made a difference.

"Mina? Are you here?" Adele's voice echoed down the hall.

"She's in here," Elior called back. A moment later the blonde appeared in the doorway.

"Oh, there you are. Sara's gone out to find some research materials for us to make use of. It might take her a couple hours to copy down the notes we'll need though. In the meantime I thought maybe we could do something together," Adele suggested, taking in her friend's exhausted appearance with obvious concern. Elmina stared at her blankly. Do something? Hell, she didn't have the energy to stand up.

"Take her for a walk," Elior ordered. Both girls glanced at him in surprise. He rarely gave commands.

"But Elior," Elmina protested weakly. How the hell was a walk going to help her? It seemed far more likely to kill her.

"Just put one foot in front of the other. It doesn't have to be a long walk, but fresh air and exercise will help," he told her firmly. She stared at him. He was insane. Absolutely off his rocker.

"Alright, I'll see if Titus and AJ want to come. I doubt they're doing anything useful," Adele replied, turning and leaving the room. Elmina stared after her, mildly horrified. This couldn't be happening.

"You look like you just found out you have to get a leg removed with no anesthetic. A walk isn't that bad," Elior's tone was faintly amused. She turned to stare at him darkly. Seeing her look he chuckled, "Ok, maybe it is. But you'll survive it, I promise," he assured her. She rolled her eyes and let her head flop back against the chair with a defeated sigh. This was going to suck. But she somehow doubted she'd be getting out of it.

Sure enough, a while later she found herself walking along behind Titus and Adele. The clouded over sky seemed to cast a bleak look over everything. Or maybe it was just her. It was like she'd lost the ability to see in color, figuratively speaking. They were walking down the sidewalk at a leisurely pace, but each time she lifted her leg and set it down again it felt as if she was pushing her way through a thick wall of molasses. The exhaustion was unreal. She couldn't find anything to think of to take her mind off the pain so she'd started counting each step in her mind.

21…22…23…24…25…26…

She'd taken many more steps than that, but she'd lost track of where she was at and had to start over several times so far. AJ hadn't ended up coming, but maybe that was for the best. At least this way she didn't have to attempt to hold a conversation and walk at the same time. Apparently he'd been having some sort of important discussion with Roy and her parents so Adele hadn't wanted to bug him. If she didn't feel so hellish she'd be painfully curious about what on earth they could be discussing, but at that moment she really didn't give a damn.

…30…31…32…33…

Titus and Adele were discussing something quietly. She couldn't quite make out what they were saying. Were they talking about her? Or was it to do with whatever AJ had been talking about with her parents? Ugh. She was too tired to bother thinking about it. Maybe if she just stopped and lay down then and there on the sidewalk she'd fall asleep and escape the waking nightmare she was stuck in. That sounded very appealing. Maybe she'd just stay permanently asleep like Alphonse. She couldn't say she'd be against that at the moment. It actually sounded like a relief. Wait…where was she at again? Oh right, 38…

39…40…41…42…43…44…45…

Goosebumps prickled across the back of her neck and down her spine, causing her to hesitate mid step and stumble slightly. She felt a distant prick of surprise. Was that what she thought it was…?

"Hey there Mouse. You look tired," the uncomfortably familiar voice directly behind her caused her to freeze on the spot, eyes widening slightly. What was he doing back? Ordinarily she would have spun around in alarm and put up a guard. But she couldn't remember how to move that fast. Her brain just wasn't going to cooperate with her. Titus and Adele were still walking away. They hadn't noticed anything. Should she call them? Should she turn around? Damn, why couldn't she just make a decision and do something?!

"Hey, I'm going to borrow her for a bit if that's alright with you guys," Mania called after her companions casually. The two of them spun around in alarm. Adele let out a gasp.

"Elmina!" She shrieked, dashing towards her. But before she took more than two steps Titus grabbed her arm, holding her back protectively as he eyed the red haired creature standing behind Elmina. He frowned. The thing was too close to the dark haired girl for him to use his alchemy against it. He'd injure Elmina in the process if he tried.

"Don't worry. I'll take good care of her," Mania told them, though the slight grin on his face wasn't particularly reassuring.

"Don't you dare! Leave her alone!" Adele cried. She was struggling uselessly to break free and dash towards them but Titus clearly had no intention of letting go. Elmina heard the red haired creature chuckle behind her.

"Sorry, but this is going to burn a bit," he murmured, breath tickling across the back of her neck. Before she could consider what on earth he was talking about an arm snaked around her waist, pulling her back against his chest. Her eyes went wide and she gasped as every part of her skin that came in contact with him blazed with an unexpected searing pain, as if suddenly being exposed to an open flame.

"Mina!" Adele's tone was desperate as she watched the creature grab her friend. Then a moment later the air around Elmina and the red haired creature began to blur. Their forms grew fuzzy and translucent, and then abruptly they disappeared completely without a trace. Adele went still, staring in silent, horrified shock at the place where they'd been standing. Titus's expression was one of complete disbelief. It was a moment before Adele was able to find her voice again, swallowing hard with a wavering expression.

"…She's gone," she whispered.

-Author's Note-

*ominous music* Mania is back…oh dear…

In response to my wonderful Guest reviewer: Yep, you are quite right! :D I'm glad someone was able to make that connection because it was a rather vague question on Envy's part lol.

Anyway. As I said last chapter, this is simply a taste of what life is like for a depressed person. And it can be even worse than this, as you shall see next chapter. Though I promise I won't drag out this depression stuff too much longer. Life is depressing enough on its own without having to read about it. o_o

Wow, what's up with that religious chatter? This is an FMA fanfic. Religion is very likely not what you came here to read about… x'D For those of you who are annoyed by it, you'll be happy to hear there isn't a lot of it in the story overall. I know from visiting your pages that many of you don't share my beliefs. We're all free to believe what we want. I just hope that you will be patient/understanding and not bite my head off for sharing my view point… *wilt*

Just so you understand where I'm coming from, (since it might not have been explicitly obvious…) I share Elior's point of view. I'm Catholic. My decision to include this rather unusual subject (for a fanfiction) in this story is quite simple: My faith is the only reason I'm still alive today to write it for you. Given this fact, failing to mention it would be pretty absurd. For me life has no meaning if we're just a bunch of molecules scrambled together simply by random chance. And if there's no meaning then hell, why on earth should I stick around to suffer through the crap that comes with my disorder? I've been in a very bad place more than once. My faith is the reason I'm still alive, breathing, writing and enjoying life (usually…), instead of being just another statistic in the number of people who commit suicide because of this disorder.

*resigned sigh* I hate bringing that topic up. But I figure I owe you all an explanation for dragging a potentially controversial subject into this story. I suppose it may seem odd, given my beliefs, that my main character doesn't share my beliefs (as of now anyway). But if you haven't been raised with religion in your life, I understand how painfully annoying it is to have someone start explaining it to you when you aren't interested. Thus I've tried to give you skeptics a character you can sort of identify with. I'm not trying to infuriate the lot of you lol. I will do my best not to shove anything down your throats. Just be aware if you notice bits of moral/religious stuff in this story that, like you, I too have a right to my own beliefs. I'm not intending to offend anyone. I'm just writing a story.

P.S. Sorry about the cliff hanger x'D