Chapter 14 – Painful Truths and Deadly Lies
The world around Elmina blurred and she shut her eyes against the unexpected blast of air that followed. A moment later she was released from the fiery embrace which had encircled her. She stumbled forward, eyes snapping open. Her head spun as she took in her surroundings. They had gone from a well-used roadway to a narrow back alley. She whirled around to face her captor.
"Where are we?" she demanded sharply, reaching up to rub the still burning skin on her arms a little reproachfully.
"About a block or so away from where I grabbed you," Mania replied, leaning back against the building behind him and crossing his arms. She eyed him warily for a moment.
"What do you want?" she asked finally. The red haired creature cocked his head slightly, a smirk on his lips.
"That, my little Mouse, is a stupid question," he replied. Her eyes narrowed at him.
"Why do you keep calling me that?" she demanded flatly. He regarded her through half lidded eyes.
"Three guesses," he retorted. She frowned. The fatigue was already crushing the slight prick of adrenaline which his sudden reappearance had caused. She did not have the energy for this. The desire to lie down was back in spades.
"Are you suggesting that I'm the mouse and you're the cat?" she asked, expression utterly unenthused.
"Clever Mouse," he smirked. She let out a resigned sigh.
"Look, I don't know why you're here, but Despair hasn't finished with me yet," she told him tiredly.
"I can see that," his tone was dry, "She's always been a rather greedy old bag."
"Can you help me?" she asked weakly, the faintest flicker of hope entering her gaze. His eyebrows rose.
"Can I help you?" his tone was incredulous. Then he let out a chuckle, raising a hand to cover his eyes as he shook his head. "My dear, you have no idea what you're asking for," he said, raising his head to stare at her. A spark of the hunger from before was back in his unnerving red eyes, but in her painfully deadened state she couldn't bring herself to be concerned by it.
"Can't you do something?" her tone bordered on pleading. She wasn't sure how much more of this crushing pain and exhaustion she could take. Going crazy again seemed almost preferable at this point.
"If by 'do something' you mean kick Despair out, then no. That's sure-fire way to annoy her and her lectures are terribly tedious. But if by 'do something' you mean get involved, that I can most certainly do," he grinned. Elmina eyed him uncertainly. What exactly did he mean by that? He raised a hand and beckoned her with a finger. She simply continued to stare at him. No way in hell was she getting any closer to him. He was way too friggen hot, and not in a good way.
"What are you going to do?" she demanded warily. Mania rolled his eyes. Then the next thing she knew he was standing right in front of her, uncomfortably close. She flinched slightly as his strange hair fluttered around them. How the hell was he able to move so quickly? Unlike last time, he didn't grab her. He simply rested a palm against her forehead. She gasped as the same burning energy as before exploded through her veins. But unlike last time there was no fountain of giddy euphoria, no exhilarating rush of adrenaline. In fact, there wasn't anything pleasant about it at all. It was a painful, all-consuming sort of energy which flooded through her, mixing with the crushing misery already inside her and intensifying it. Gone was the desire to lie down and go to sleep. She wanted to writhe and claw at herself until she found some way to crawl out of her own skin. She staggered backwards away from him but the fire remained inside her. How on earth could energy feel so awful? But at the same time she somehow still felt exhausted deep within her core. That just shouldn't be physically possible…Dammit all! She'd wanted him to help her, not make things worse!
You stupid girl.
The cold voice echoing through her mind sounded utterly disgusted.
"Considering how far I went with you last time, I decided to go easy on you," Mania informed her. Her eyes widened as she stared at him.
"Go easy on me? You're killing me!" her voice cracked in desperation. He snorted derisively.
"Your mother survived worse than this from Despair and me. You'll be fine," he didn't sound the slightest bit concerned. She clenched her teeth and scrunched her eyes shut against the overwhelming sensations inside her.
"You bastard," she hissed. She heard him chuckle and her eyes snapped open to stare at him with a look that could strip paint. At her furious expression his grin only broadened. She growled. Oh how she wanted to beat that smug look off his damn face. Unfortunately she would almost certainly be on the losing end of a fight against the red haired creep.
"That's a pretty scary look. They should send you down to the southern border. You could scare off the invaders all on your own," there was a hint of sarcasm in his voice. Her glare wavered, puzzlement entering into it.
"What?" she demanded sharply.
"What, nobody's told you? From what I gathered over the last two days your friends in the South are going to attack soon. Sounds like one hell of a blood bath if you ask me," he replied blandly. Her eyes widened.
"No way…" her tone was disbelieving.
"Way. Do you honestly think they won't raze to the ground every city and town they capture? They're after revenge, and hatred is a vicious animal once its let lose," he said, though he didn't sound overly concerned.
"But they're our allies!" she protested. Mania raised his eyebrows.
"Are they really? You don't find it odd that a country locked in bloody combat with your own for so many years would abruptly offer peace and friendship at the drop of a hat?" he asked. She frowned.
"What would you know about it? You aren't even from this dimension!" she snapped. She was finding it difficult at best to keep holding a conversation with him. Her patience was wearing thin. Going from feeling like you're imploding, to feeling like you're exploding, is in no way pleasant.
"I have ears you know," he commented dryly, "And considering how seriously your parents have been discussing this stuff, I'd assumed you would already know about it," at this her expression froze. Wait… that was what her parents, AJ and the Mustangs had been discussing? Was what Mania was telling her actually true? She couldn't quite remember how to breathe... "Guess I've given you some food for thought," he smirked, "But don't tell Lover Boy. He doesn't know either," he informed her, amusement flickering in his gaze.
"Lover Boy?" she stared at him with an odd expression, "Are you talking about Titus?"
"Who else?" Mania inquired quizzically. At her expression he raised an eyebrow. "Don't tell me you haven't noticed. He practically falls all over himself whenever little Blue Eyes is around. It's so painfully obvious even a human like you should be able to see it," his tone was condescending, "Then again, you're probably in denial. After all, you're quite smitten with the Lover Boy are you not?" a mockingly amused grin pulled at his lips. She stared at him, momentarily struck speechless. Then outrage flooded through her.
"How can you possibly know all that?!" she snapped defensively. He gave a low chuckle.
"My, my, did I touch on a sore spot?" he smirked infuriatingly, "You see my dear, you humans are quite adept at fooling each other. It's quite entertaining to watch really. But you can't hide your emotions from me. They're as blatantly obvious as the clothes you're wearing or the expression on your face," he explained.
"But how?" she demanded in consternation. He snorted.
"Would you mistake a banana for an apple, or a chicken for a cow? Human emotion is my life blood. Despair is the same. It's impossible to mistake. We live and breathe it," he replied. She frowned, not really following him. She couldn't really see the connection between bananas and cows and emotion... "But in any case, I wouldn't worry too much. Your little blonde friend is as oblivious as you are," he smirked.
"Why are you telling me all this?" she demanded stiffly.
"I just thought I'd give you something real to be upset about. I know it can be terribly frustrating for you humans to feel torn up for no apparent reason. So now you've got some reasons," he stated casually, turning to stroll past her down the alley.
"You asshole! You're intentionally upsetting me!" she snapped. He paused beside her, regarding her with a vaguely condescending look.
"I've merely enlightened you about things you were in the dark on. You should really be thanking me," he told her blandly. Then she was utterly taken off guard when he reached out and patted her lightly on the head in a rather patronizing way. She jerked away from him abruptly and his fingers trailed through her hair making her shudder.
"Don't touch me!" she spat, quivering with anger and a prick of apprehension. Dammit, what a creep! He grinned, eyes lighting with amusement.
"You're fun," he stated cheerfully, "You should probably get back to your friends. They're worried about you," he informed her. Then a moment later his form blurred and he disappeared. She was left fuming incredulously at the place where he'd been standing. A moment later she turned and punched the wall beside her, letting out a yell of pained frustration. The pain of the impact jarring through her and her knuckles splitting and bleeding only took some of the edge off the discomfort pulsing through her veins. She felt horrible. If Mania showed his face near her again anytime soon she had a mind to thoroughly pummel him, regardless of the fiery pain caused by physical contact with him. She let out a shuddering breath, raising her hand to suck on one of her bleeding knuckles.
Miserable little child. You're pathetic. Do the world a favor and quit wasting oxygen.
Elmina's jaw clenched.
"Shut up," she growled under her breath. When had her inner voice become such a bitch? It had to be Despair. She never normally had thoughts like that. She shook her head. Adele and Titus were probably worried sick. Well, Adele would be anyway. Titus was probably just relieved she wasn't around to annoy him. Mania's words echoed through her mind but she shoved them forcefully aside. That wasn't something she could deal with at the moment. She had enough emotional crap to wade through already. She turned and headed down the alley in the direction she hoped led back to the road she'd been snatched from.
What's the point? You heard what he said. When the South invades, your life will be shattered beyond repair.
She swallowed hard. She really hoped the voice was wrong.
Elmina staggered up the sidewalk leading up to the Mustangs' house. Not being familiar with Central City meant it had taken longer than she'd expected to find her way back. Before she even reached the front step the door swung open rather violently.
"Mina! What happened?!" Adele cried, dashing out towards her. Elmina gritted her teeth as the blonde threw her arms around her. The physical contact only set her already frazzled nerves even more on edge. Feeling her friend's obvious tension, Adele released her.
"What happened?" she demanded again. Elsie appeared at the door and walked out to them.
"He just made everything worse," Elmina muttered. Her mother frowned.
"So he's involved now too?" she asked, clearly concerned. Elmina nodded sharply.
"I'm going to my room," she stated stiffly.
"But—" Adele began, but Elmina cut her off.
"I just want to be alone right now," her voice came out harsher than she'd intended and she felt a prick of guilt at the startled expression on her friend's face. "Sorry," she muttered, brushing past them and bounding up the steps. She just couldn't deal with people right now. She met Titus in the hall on the way to her room and stepped around him briskly.
"Hey," he called after her, clearly surprised to see her back out of the blue. She ignored him, slipping into her room and shutting the door firmly. She leaned back against it for a moment, feeling her breathing becoming fast and shallow. She lowered her head, weaving her fingers into her hair and clenching them into fists as she trembled with tension. She was going to disintegrate. All the molecules in her body seemed to be vibrating far more violently then they should be. She couldn't remember ever feeling quite this horrible. It was somehow worse than the crushing exhaustion. The agony was still pulsing in her core. She began to pace up and down the room, still pulling at her hair in desperation. It was taking every ounce of will power she possessed to keep from screaming and beginning to punch the wall repeatedly. Dammit. At this rate she was going to end up in a padded room.
So pathetic. Might as well just give in to that urge. Clearly that's where you belong.
"Shut up!" she snapped.
Responding to the voice in your head. Now isn't that just the perfect picture of sanity. You really are quite the freak.
Elmina growled under her breath. What a hypocrite. She sank down onto her bed, slipping her hands out of her hair to hug herself tightly. She dug her nails forcefully into the side of her arms but it barely took the edge off the internal discomfort.
At that moment the door opened. She swallowed hard, not bothering to look up at who it was.
"Please go away," she forced the words out through gritted teeth. The door closed, but the person remained in the room, walking over to sit on the bed across from her.
"I wanted to check on you. Adele told me what happened," at the sound of AJ's voice Elmina's head snapped up in surprise. "Sara got back while you were gone. She, Adele and Elior are back to working on coming up with a fix. Your mom is with them now too," the brown haired teen told her. She stared at him, not entirely sure what to say. She wasn't even able to rearrange her expression into something resembling gratitude. She couldn't quite remember how to make her facial muscles work.
Sheesh. Just look at you. He's probably uncomfortable just being in the same room as you.
"Mina, is there anything at all I can do?" he asked, frowning.
Ha! He's just saying that so he wont feel guilty when you tell him to go away. He doesn't care.
"No," Elmina murmured, her gaze moving to rest on the floor. She heard him sigh.
See. You're nothing but a nuisance. You might as well tell him to leave. He's just staying here to be polite.
"You don't have to stay here you know," she told him stiffly. Ugh. Anything to make her inner voice just shut up and stop harassing her.
"I want to," he told her firmly.
No he doesn't. Why on earth would he want to stay with a pathetic freak like you?
Elmina swallowed and shook her head.
"I really don't want to talk right now," she replied, tone slightly resentful, though it wasn't because of AJ.
That's right. Be a bitch when he's trying to be nice. Hurt him and he'll finally just stay away from you.
She resisted the urge to growl and yank at her hair in frustration. She couldn't win!
"I know," his tone was sad.
He doesn't care about you! Kick him out!
She met his gaze for a moment. It was hard to see the genuine concern in his eyes past the hateful words flooding her mind.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, "But it hurts more to be around people," at this he frowned.
"Why?" he asked. She shook her head. She already looked like a nutcase; might as well just be truthful.
"It's Despair. I can hear her in my head. And she's not going to shut up as long as you're here," she buried her face in her hands, not wanting to see his expression.
Good. Alienate him completely by admitting how messed up you are.
The dark haired girl actually rolled her eyes behind her hands. Seriously, didn't Despair realize how stupid her accusations sounded? It was entirely the black eyed creep's fault she was going through this. But if that was the case, why did her words hurt so much? After a moment AJ finally broke the silence.
"…Are you sure you really want to be alone?" he sounded extremely reluctant. She clenched her jaw. No. She didn't want to be left alone with this monster in her head.
"Yes," she whispered, "Please," she peeked at him between her fingers. She was a little surprised at the pained expression on his face.
"Alright…" he replied finally, "But if there's anything at all I can do, promise you'll tell me," his tone didn't leave room for argument. Amazingly Despair didn't have a comment for this. Apparently it was hard to shoot down the obvious caring in that expression and tone. Elmina nodded.
"I promise," she replied softly. AJ still looked very reluctant, but he rose to his feet and crossed the room. He glanced back at her for a moment, but finally opened the door and left.
Finally. He's so annoying.
Elmina lay back on the bed, hands still covering her face.
"Please just leave me alone," she whimpered. The spitefulness in those thoughts was painful in and of itself. She didn't want them in her head!
You're talking to yourself again nutcase.
She shook her head. It was hard to decide which was worse: the physical discomfort or the unexpected attack on her mind.
You know, there is a way to escape all of this…
Man, she wanted to cover her ears, but that wouldn't do anything. The voice was her own. Realistically she was talking to herself. But never had her inner voice been so nasty.
Come on. Don't try to avoid it. We both know what a relief it would be.
A strangely seductive note had entered into the voice. Elmina swallowed, lowering her hands and sitting up. Almost against her will a number of images flashed through her mind, but she shoved them away forcefully. No. She was not going to start thinking like this.
Why not?
"Because!" she hissed. The answer was so obvious.
Is it really? Then tell me.
"I can't do that to my family," she snapped.
Sure you can. It's not like you do them any favors. They'd have a lot less problems in their life if you weren't around to cause them.
Elmina's eyes widened, shocked to feel tears trying rise up. Dammit… Part of her was screaming that the voice was wrong…but a larger part was beginning to nod in agreement. A feeling of tainted worthlessness washed over her in a wave. Maybe the voice was right…she really was just wasting oxygen.
You know, there's a way up to the roof. And this is a three story house.
"So what," she muttered.
So why don't you go check it out?
Elmina hesitated. She suddenly understood what the voice was getting at.
"Shut up and leave me alone," she whimpered, rubbing her face rather fiercely and wishing she could scrub away the awful toxic blanket of emotion that had settled over her.
Come on wimp. Quit trying to act like you don't agree with me. I know you do.
Elmina shuddered. No, no, no, no… But… it had a point. No dammit! She wasn't going down this road. It wasn't going to happen.
Fine then coward. You don't have to do anything. But at least you'll know where it is if you change your mind. Go on. Or are you that afraid of yourself now?
"I'm not afraid," she growled.
You have quite the habit of lying to yourself. For instance, believing Mustang's son would ever look twice at you. You honestly think you're worth anyone's attention? Pathetic…
The dark haired girl's hands clenched into fists and she rose to her feet. Frick. She wasn't going to do this. Then she abruptly walked across the room and opened the door, slipping out. Her mind was blank. There was just a single minded desire to somehow prove to herself that she could prove the damn voice wrong. She wasn't doing this because she was starting to agree with it. No. Definitely not... At this thought the voice was silent, as if finally content with her decision.
She made her way quietly down the hall towards the staircase. With any luck she wouldn't encounter anyone. She couldn't stand the thought of being stopped now. She bounded up the steps swiftly, reaching the top and turning to head up the next staircase. She couldn't remember the last time she'd been on the roof. But for whatever reason the way of getting up there was very clearly imprinted in her mind. There was a distant horror slowly growing within her that she was actually listening to the voice and specifically going to a place where her life would be in danger.
Don't be even more pathetic than you already are. It's better than sitting around wallowing in self-pity.
The disgusted tone rang in her mind in a very irritating way. She wasn't wallowing in self-pity! She was in hell! She pushed herself faster up the steps, refusing to let herself think.
It didn't take long to reach the last staircase. It led to a porch which opened out onto a flat roof. The sky was stormy and overcast, appearing as if a vicious storm was about to let loose. Slowly her legs began to take her across the roof towards the edge which looked out over the street below. She came to a stop there, gazing down at the pedestrians and traffic passing by several stories below her. It was a long way down. A fall would kill her instantly upon impact with the pavement. A cool damp wind gusted past her, fluttering through her hair. She swallowed hard, feeling the vice grip on her heart tighten further. The voice had a point. It really would be such a relief. She'd be falling into a sleep too deep for this nightmare to follow after her. She was already dead on the inside. How bad could it be to be dead on the outside too? Not only that, she'd stop having to deal with these thoughts. They'd only been plaguing her for a day and she already felt pushed to the end of her rope. She couldn't keep doing this for days on end. The anxious energy fizzed in her veins, willing her to throw herself forward and escape the discomfort permanently.
Go ahead. Do it. You'd be doing the world a favour. You're just wasting oxygen.
The voice in her mind was cold and unyielding. Images of her family and friends rose up in her mind. Could she really do this to them?
They'd all be far better off if you weren't around.
She let out a pained breath, glancing up at the stormy sky. She hated those words. What she hated more was that she was starting to actually believe it. The hesitant concern in her father's words the night before when he'd asked if she remembered what had happened, and the tears slipping down her mother's cheeks that morning… Then Adele's frightened voice as she shouted for her when Mania had grabbed her. And then just a little while earlier she'd snapped at her friend, asking to be left alone. Adele had only been worried about her. She was doing nothing but hurting those around her.
See. You know I'm right. It's ok to give in. You'd be doing the right thing.
This was getting really hard to fight against. It was scary. For some reason Elior's words from that morning echoed through her mind. A desperate frustration gripped her. She glanced up at the sky, hands clenching into fists.
"Why are you doing this to me…? Do I matter to you at all?!" she demanded, speaking to a deity that she wasn't even sure existed. A tear slipped down her cheek, followed by another and another. Why would the good and loving God Elior believed in let her suffer like this? Let anyone suffer like this? This was cruelty. How could she survive one more day of this living hell? What was the point in even trying?
Suddenly to her shock a pair of arms wrapped around her shoulders and pulled her back against a solid chest.
"You matter to me," the voice was hoarse with emotion. Elmina's eyes widened.
"AJ," she breathed.
"Don't do this. I know you're stronger than this," he said softly, but his tone was firm. She let out another shaky breath which turned into a sob. Turning around in his arms she buried her face in his chest, clinging to him like a lifeline. His arms tightened around her as she began to cry harder.
"I c-cant d-do this. It hurts so much. I j-just can't stand it anymore," her words were broken, spoken between the sobs that wracked her small frame.
"Yes you can," he whispered fiercely against her hair, "We're going to find a way to make this better. I swear to you. You just have to hold on," his tone was desperate. She shook her head against his chest.
"No. There isn't anything you can do," she sniffed, and then her voice dropped to a whisper, "You'd all be better off without me anyway. I'm just a useless burden now," she heard AJ draw in a sharp breath at her words.
"Did she tell you that?" the sudden anger in his voice made her glance up at him through the tears which blurred her vision. She nodded numbly. He gripped her shoulders tightly and actually shook her slightly, causing her eyes to widen in surprise. "Don't you dare believe those lies. Do you hear me?" he demanded harshly. She blinked at him, taken off guard by the emotion in his expression and voice. His blue eyes burned with an intensity that surprised her. She swallowed, breaking eye contact to stare at his chest. After moment she drew in a shaky breath and nodded.
"Alright," her voice was almost inaudible. A moment later she was crushed against his chest in a rib-crackingly tight hug. She squeaked slightly, taken by surprise. He held her like that for a moment, as if trying to hold her together through sheer willpower.
"Oh Mina… I wish I could just take this all away from you," his voice was pained as he murmured against her hair. She let out a shuddering breath, feeling strangely relieved to have his arms around her. She couldn't do anything to herself if he was here to stop her. And Despair had finally shut up. What on earth was she doing up here? Why had she let things get this far? AJ's grip around her loosened and his hands slid up to cup her face, tilting it up so he could meet her eyes. She blinked, too dead inside to feel any sort of reaction to the unusual contact. He wiped away the tears moistening her cheeks with his thumbs.
"That isn't possible," she replied dully, expression resigned. He grimaced.
"I know," he sighed softly. Then he leaned forward and pressed his lips gently to her forehead. Her eyes widened slightly, a distant surprise washing over her. She definitely hadn't expected that. AJ wasn't usually like this. Finally he released her; though his hands slid down to remain resting lightly on her arms. She blinked at him, startled by the affection he was showing. "You can't give up. I need you," he smiled at her sadly. She stared at him, a little bewildered.
"You…need me?" her tone was uncertain. What was that supposed to mean? She didn't understand where this was coming from. He stared at her for a moment, the sadness lingering in his expression.
"Yeah. And more than that, Adele needs you; and your parents. Come on, let's get back inside. It's starting to rain," he pointed out. She blinked, glancing up at the sky again. She hadn't noticed the droplets beginning to splash down around them. It seemed strangely fitting. The weather mirrored the inside of her soul. Maybe the rain would wash away the filthy worthless feeling that had taken up residence in her core. Maybe AJ shouldn't have stopped her after all…. After a moment she shook her head. No, it was good he was here. And he was right, they were starting to get wet.
"Alright," she whispered. He didn't release her. His arm slid around her shoulders and he began walking her back towards the door into the porch. For the moment she didn't even feel like contemplating what had made him decide to follow her to the roof. Apparently Despair was a liar. He did care. Though, maybe a little more than she'd thought… or maybe she was just reading into things. In any case, it was just a relief to have him there. She leaned into his side, feeling the exhaustion creeping back. She'd just keep putting one foot in front of the other. It was all she could do.
-Author's Note-
*sigh* Well that was depressing.
Sorry for subjecting you to that. /_\ Writing this chapter made me sick to my stomach so I'm sure reading it wasn't the most uplifting experience. The scene with Mania was fun to write, but the rest of it….well…yeah... Lets just say I've been in Elmina's shoes and it's not a fun headspace to recall.
As for Despair's mental heckling of poor Elmina… Well in my experience that nasty little voice comes along for the ride whenever one is depressed. It's also been my experience that it can be the most dangerous part of depression, especially when you don't recognize the lies for what they really are. And even when you do recognize them, the relentless assault really wears you down after a while. It gets to the point where you desperately want to crawl out of your own head and hide somewhere just to get away from it. But you can't. Normal guilt and self-berating is one thing. It's good to be self-critical sometimes. But when you're depressed it's far too easy to slip into self-loathing and that is never healthy.
Despair is a very difficult demon to face for anyone afflicted with her. She definitely isn't exclusively reserved for those of us with bipolar disorder. (Though I'm not sure whether the burning/skin crawling agitation is very common for those with straight depression.) For those of you battling depression right now, hang in there! It will get better. As dark and hopeless as life seems at the moment, it won't stay that way forever. It won't always be this hard. Eventually you're going to look back and wonder why on earth you felt things were so awful. I know not many people have an AJ in their lives who will intervene without needing to be asked. I didn't. I had to force myself to reach out to people, despite how scary and utterly unappealing the idea was. Honestly, if it weren't for my faith I wouldn't have even tried. But it saved my life and you can do it too. Don't let Despair talk you into trying to handle everything by yourself. It's far too dangerous and it gives her way too great an advantage over you. Even if your family isn't supportive, there are still people in the world who care and want to help you! And you are worth being helped. I don't care if you disagree. Drop me a message if you need to talk. I'm happy to listen and try to offer what advice I can. *hug*
Alright, enough depressing stuff! This topic gets downright suffocating when it's dwelled on for too long. Next chapter will be more uplifting! I promise! x'D