Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl.
Thank you for reading, and again for all the nice (and constructive!) feedback. To .x: I'm fairly certain that "Your Carter is the most intriguing person I've ever read" was simultaneously the funniest and greatest thing anyone said to me all day. --Sarah
Breakdown.
Serena gets notice of her acceptance to the Tisch school on a Friday afternoon, and Blair loses her appetite and pushes her grapes in Penelope's direction and hopes her grimace looks like a genuine, happy smile.
At least she's not crying, this time, like she did with Nate.
"B, we've got to go out and celebrate tonight!" Serena's gushing, and Blair feels like she's under water. "Like old times, please? It's finally starting to hit me – we're graduating!"
Yes, good call on the discontinuance of lunch. Blair thinks grapes would be kind of uncomfortable if they were coming up with whatever she feels rising in her throat.
She nods with wide eyes at Serena's babbling about bittersweet and memories and here's to their futures and taking shots (her ears perk up at least vaguely at that part), and wonders when her head is going to clear enough for her to figure out what exactly the fuck she's supposed to do, because this charade is getting exhausting, and also, she's pretty sure she's having a heart attack 24/7.
She knows she's too young for that, but then again, maybe that's only in body at this point, her alleged youth.
XOXO
Carter goes for a run, because Blair's been in his head lately and while it's been confirmed that they are in mutual like and not not a thing at this point, it's still not quite comfortable, this overwhelming crowding of his thoughts.
He thinks to himself he's Carter Baizen and he can handle the terrifying emptiness that sometimes seems to swallow up the light in her mahogany eyes and all the obnoxious feelings it (and she, if he's being honest, which, really, he thinks, contrary to popular belief, he generally is) inspires in him.
He thinks to himself that he really wasn't signing up for all of that when he decided on a whim to swing by her penthouse a few nights after they, for lack of a better word, reacquainted and she showed him how little he knew her.
He thinks to himself that now it's too late, though, because he wouldn't take an out if offered one, and he doesn't want one anyway, because just the thought of walking away plows all the other thoughts over like feathers and weighs on his heart as well as his brain, and he figures he'd better figure out a way to fill the emptiness because if it consumes her, he's toast too, at this point.
He nearly takes out two senior citizens and a double-wide stroller manned by a blonde nanny and thinks maybe he's going to have to clear his head in private for fear of a personal injury suit, and tries to focus on not running into anyone for the next two miles.
XOXO
Serena insists on Tenjune despite Blair's insistence that Tenjune didn't even exist during the "old times" they're supposedly commemorating, but as it goes, Serena gets what Serena wants, and Blair finds herself stepping into black ankle boots and scrutinizing herself in the mirror.
Alice + Olivia this time, a purple sheath dress with a ruffle at the bottom, and she feels much more herself than she did in the long-since torn and never repaired lace Elizabeth & James, adding black tights and her new cherry red lip gloss.
She still doesn't bother with a headband, and when she enters the club and immediately feels completely out of sorts she decides to blame that for a while. That, and the memory of her behavior the last time she was here.
Of course, her behavior the last time she was here is what led to the one thing – one person - in her life that seems of late to calm her constantly racing heart and stop the way her pulse thuds so hard in her wrists that she's sure her arms must be shaking, and so she wonders, as she checks the time, what was so wrong about being Un-Blair that night that's got her all worked up now?
"S, I can only stay for a little while," she reminds her best friend, who's whirling about her in a flurry of golden hair and Tory Burch sequins. "I have plans with…" she trails off, because Serena's not paying attention, not because it's still sort of strange and almost too new to her that Blair Waldorf is now only secure when she's in the presence of Carter Baizen.
She's fine with the way things have changed. So fine she doesn't even need to talk about things. Or even think about them, she decides, and marches to the bar.
XOXO
Nate groans, cutting off his own laughter as he looks away from Vanessa and sees Carter heading down the street in their direction.
"Baizen," he affirms more than greets, and Carter smiles easily.
"Nate. Good to see you," he offers, and Vanessa is confused as her boyfriend's arm stiffens in hers.
"Yeah," Nate replies. "I'd say the same, but, I try not to lie."
"Nate!" Vanessa admonishes, aghast, looking between the two, and Carter laughs and raises his palms in defeat, stepping aside.
"Don't let me keep you then." His tone is smooth and he tosses Vanessa a little wink that sets Nate's blood boiling. "Enjoy your evening."
"Meeting Blair?" Nate demands because he can't help it, and Carter pauses, and turns back around slowly.
"As a matter of fact-" Carter begins, but his phone buzzing interrupts him and he excuses himself.
Somewhere amidst a sea of consonants he deciphers Blair's intended cancellation of their plans. He smiles at the apparent intoxication, because he can always get behind that, but it doesn't reach his eyes, so he forces it broader and looks back up.
"As a matter of fact, no," he admits, but sets his jaw when Nate cocks an eyebrow in a way that seems absurdly triumphant considering it's pretty obvious he's not with Blair tonight either.
"We're going sailing next week. Nantucket," Carter adds, and he knows it's probably technically unnecessary but he thinks Nate Archibald's always kind of been a little shit of a kid, always being handed whatever he wanted, much like himself he'll admit, but never bothering to appreciate it.
"Blair hates sailing," Nate declares flatly. "And it's cold."
"I don't know," Carter replies, faux-pensively. "It seems to me that the things Blair likes and doesn't like seem to be evolving a little." He offers a little half-salute and turns on his way.
Nate nearly knocks Vanessa over in his haste to start storming in the opposite direction, and she yanks his arm right back and demands to know his deal.
"That guy," he offers unhelpfully. "I just can't stand him."
"He seemed friendly enough," Vanessa replies, and her eyes widen when he practically glares at her. "Not that you remembered your manners enough to introduce us or anything …"
"Can you just trust me on this one? I hate him," Nate insists flatly, and she looks away with exaggerated wide eyes.
"Oooo-kay."
XOXO
"S … S, where's the Palace … what? S! You had him let us off on the wrong block!" Blair squeals in a fit of giggles as she turns in two circles and drops her clutch looking for Serena.
Serena stumbles beside her, also laughing delightedly at their accidental 20-foot detour, and hauls Blair across the street.
"My, my," Chuck shakes his head as he slides into the elevator behind them. "And where have you ladies been this evening?"
"Prob-b-ah! Probably," Serena giggles, amazed by her newfound hiccups. "Nowhere that would impress the Chuck Bass."
"Yeah, where have you been, Bass?" Blair demands, attempting to steady herself against the elevator door and pout in a way she hopes can pass for something like sexy despite the fact that the gin has numbed her lips a little.
"Oh," Chuck drawls, grabbing her before she topples backwards into the penthouse when the door opens. "Let's see. Tonight I've been in Alicia … and … Casey, was it?"
"Ugh, gross," Serena offers as Blair glares, and scampers off with a shout about peeing.
"You're such an ass, Bass," Blair declares, suddenly stormy though still relying on his arms for support. "Worthless, really. A waste of all the time I ever – or lots of people, really, ever – you know, Bass, so many people, so many people, more than you ever thought or appreciate - they care. But you know what, nevermind, it's stupid and I hate you and I think I should go to bed."
Chuck's fallen silent, but he nods quickly and leads her up the stairs, depositing her at Serena's bedroom door.
"Bass!" Blair cries when he's taken approximately three steps. He turns.
"Blair?"
"I didn't mean that!" she steps toward him and he catches her when the step turns into the beginnings of a faceplant. "I didn't mean any of that." She says against his chest, and he sighs, looking up at the ceiling and trying to force himself not to feel so much because she's drunk and they're long since over and, she's right.
"None of it? I mean, some of that was pretty spot-on, Waldorf," he replies, trying with a half-smile to guide her back to Serena's room, but she holds onto him.
"No. It wasn't. It was mean, and I know I'm mean, and you're mean, and that's like our thing, but I don't want it," she insists. "I don't hate you. I lo… I miss you. And I didn't get into Yale." She laughs, vaguely hysterically.
"I didn't get into Yale, and I didn't apply anywhere else, and I'm pretending it's all not true because I have no future now! None. Nothing. I ruined everything and here I am and I'm yelling at you and it's all my fault! And I'm trying not to be Blair anymore because I ruined Blair, but it's not working!"
Chuck takes a moment to regain his composure, picking his dropped jaw up off the floor, and then carefully puts a hand at the back of her head, keeping his other arm wrapped around her waist, and holding her against him.
"Fuck," he whispers. "Blair … why didn't you … we can figure it out. Together."
She thinks she's heard those words before, and they sounded just as sincere but somehow, in her memory, they were too light, too sure, the last time. When Chuck says them they're desperate and calculated and a little insane. Familiar. What she knows. How she is.
She wants to coast through existence like Carter does, she thinks. She wants it to all be simple, and she wants to take it as it comes and enjoy it all, and laugh when it doesn't work out and move on to the next great thing life has to offer. But that's not her, and she doesn't think it can be.
And though, of all people, she knows that's not it when it comes to Carter, and it's just the side he offers to the world, she thinks she'd better forget that for the moment.
Because she's turned her face to Chuck's and found his lips and now she can't stop.