~*~*~*~ "Though this be madness, yet there is method in 't." ~*~*~*~
Sarah kept asking me what was wrong, but I didn't exactly know what was safe to tell her. She of course knew that it was something about Adrian, but I just told her that it was the fact that he was a bit overwhelming at first and we were still getting to know one another. She knew there was something that I was hiding from her, but she maintained that she wouldn't say anything to anyone about me going off to have lunch with him and skipping school.
When I finally got home, I had dinner with everyone and had to use the excuse that I had a headache to get everyone to stop asking me what was wrong. My mother finally gave me some medicine and told me to go and get some rest. That was all the excuse that I needed to retreat to my room and get out the contract to read over.
It began by simply stating the parties of the contract, along with the date and our addresses. It then went on to say: The parties agree as follows: 1. The following are the terms of a binding contract between the Dominant and the Submissive.
Binding contract? What's he going to do if I break the contract?
2. The fundamental purpose of this contract is to allow the Submissive to explore her sensuality and her limits safely, with due respect and regard for her needs, her limits and her wellbeing.
Explore my sensuality and limits? What in the world are my limits?
3. The Dominant and the Submissive agree and acknowledge that all that occurs under the terms of this contract will be consensual, confidential, and subject to the agreed limits and safety procedures set out in this contract.
Consensual… Confidential; duh, I wouldn't want anyone knowing what we're doing anyway. Safety procedure? Jeez… we need safety procedures? This can't be good.
4. Adherence to the above warranties, agreements and undertakings (and any additional limits and safety procedures agreed under clause 3 above) are fundamental to this contract. Any breach shall render it void with immediate effect and each party agrees to be fully responsible to the other for the consequence of any breach.
Consequence of any breach? What consequences? Responsible to the other for such a breach…?
5. If at any time the Dominant should fail to keep to the agreed terms, limitations and safety procedures set out in this contract or agreed additionally under clause 3 above the Submissive is entitled to terminate this contract forthwith and to leave the service of the Dominant without notice.
Okay… I like this. It's essentially an escape clause for me.
6. The Dominant reserves the right to dismiss the Submissive from his service at any time and for any reason. The Submissive may request her release at any time, such request to be granted at the discretion of the Dominant.
So, at any moment, he can just decide that he doesn't want me anymore? Then again… it does say that I can ask to be released…
7. The following service provisions have been discussed and agreed and will be adhered to by both parties during the Term. Both parties accept that certain matters may arise which are not covered by the terms of this contract or the service provisions, or that certain matters may be renegotiated. In such circumstance further clauses may be proposed by way of amendment. Any further clauses or amendments must be agreed, documented and signed by both parties and shall be subject to the fundamental terms set out at clauses 2-5 above.
I had to read that last one several times before I felt like I fully understood. Finally satisfied, I moved on to the section of rules. I wasn't allowed to look into his eyes. I wasn't allowed to call him by his name – I had to call him 'Sir', 'Master', or 'Master Taylor'. I wasn't allowed to have relations with any other man while I was with him – which I wouldn't have done anyway, contract or no. He wanted to provide me with birth control, certain clothes to wear in his presence, and a personal trainer four times a week. Oh, and there was a meal plan for me… seriously?
And then came the fun part…
What is the Submissive's general attitude about receiving pain? Where 1 is likes intensely and 5 is dislikes intensely: 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 How much pain does the submissive want to receive? Where 1 is none and 5 is severe: 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5
Just seeing it there in black and white made it so… real. He actually wanted to cause me some level of pain. It's what got him off. And, apparently, he thought that it would get me off as well.
And it got even better. There were hard and soft limits, apparently. Hard limits were things that I absolutely would not agree to. Soft limits were things that I wasn't sure about, but might be willing to try. Then there was a list of things that I had to check yes or no on 'willing to try'. Flogging, spanking, being tied up… It was so surreal. I'd always thought of sex as fairly plain and simple, but that was no longer my view. Sex could get very, very complicated.
When I had finally finished reading the long – and very legal-sounding – contract, I carefully set it aside and began to pace as I often did when I was working through something in my head. My room was cold – just the way that I liked it – but I was burning up.
How could I even think about reading something like this? Why would I ever want to listen to someone that gets turned on by whipping people and beating them with canes? How do I even know that this is going to work for me? Maybe he lied and there actually is something wrong with me. I don't need to be doing this. BDSM is just so… not me. I operate under normal and beautiful and a completely different area of life than he does. I don't know what happened to make him so screwed up in the head, but I don't need to let him drag me down with him. The smart thing to do at this point in time would be to tell him I'm not interested. I won't say anything to anyone in honor of our agreement, but I can't participate in something like this…
But I couldn't deny the part of me – the strange, new part of me – that just wanted him. I still wasn't sure what it was about him, but there was something that just made me want to be near him – some unfathomable attraction. I mean, he was good-looking and everything, but it was more than that. When he spoke, I listened, almost as though my body didn't see any other way for it to be. Did that make me a submissive? Was the secret submissive side of me responding to the dominant part of him? Was that what the attraction was?
When I could take it no more, I unlocked the cell phone that Arthur had given me. I'd looked at it a bit on the way to the library, and I knew how to work it because it was an iPhone. The only contact that I had was Adrian and – oddly enough – Arthur. Adrian had also set me up my new e-mail account, which I opened to send him a message.
Sir, I typed.
I have spent the last couple of hours reading and researching and thinking about the contract. It's a lot to take in, frankly. I just wondered if some of these things were up for negotiation. For example, I'm not comfortable with having a personal trainer. Could I not just follow an exercise plan?
Regards,
Phoebe
I paced some more, thinking, and then received an e-mail from him.
Miss Grey,
I'm glad to see that you are taking the contract seriously.
Yes, some of the contract is up for negotiation. As a show of good faith, I have already e-mailed my trainer and asked him to make you a personalized fitness plan. What other sections would you like to discuss?
Regards,
Adrian
I reread the contract, typing as I went.
Sir,
Do I have to call you Sir? I'm a lot more comfortable with your name. Why can't I look at you? How do you suppose I go about getting birth control? I also don't think that buying me clothes is necessary… trust me, my closet is full.
Regards,
Phoebe
It was a while later when I received two e-mails from him. The first was an attachment of my fitness plan, which looked fairly intense, though I supposed that I was okay with that. The second was his response to my e-mail.
Miss Grey,
Calling me 'Sir' (or any of the other options) is a show of respect that is important in a submissive. It will help to get you in the right state of mind. Do not worry about the birth control; I will take care of everything, as is my responsibility as the Dominant. As for the clothing, you will need clothes in your room at my home. Just send me your sizes and I will make the necessary arrangements.
Regards,
Adrian
Frustrated, confused, angry, and tired, I tossed the phone aside and crawled under my covers. Why am I so screwed up? Finally, I cried.