div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: trebuchet ms,sans-serif;"Okay, I'm here to explain, in as much detail as possible, my absence. First, I am EXTREMELY sorry. I would never abandon one of my stories on purpose. I would never post a story and then just up and leave. I'm devastated when other authors do that, and it's one reason I was so nervous about posting my own. So let us begin at the beginning:/div
div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: trebuchet ms,sans-serif;" /div
div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: trebuchet ms,sans-serif;"I have manic depressive disorder. I used to receive multiple medications for it, my episodes of anger, and my insomnia, and was doing quite well. Then, because the medication itself was working, I decided that I was happy and I didn't need it. So several years filled with suicidal thoughts and at least two suicide attempts (one of which left me laying in my own vomit half dead while my mother stood over me crying) passed by. Finally, earlier this year I made the decision to get back on my medication, which is 100mg of off-brand Zoloft. It was a tough decision. My partner thought that it meant he wasn't doing a good enough job of making me happy. But it wasn't that. He was doing a wonderful job. It was that, without help, I was weak. I couldn't appreciate all that he did for me. Hell, half the time I couldn't get out of bed. Thoughts that should have been focused on our upcoming wedding were turned to how I could get away with dying while causing them the least amount of pain possible. Once he understood that, I went ahead and got back on my meds. What does this have to do with anything, you ask?/div
div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: trebuchet ms,sans-serif;" /div
div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: trebuchet ms,sans-serif;"Let me describe how my mind works when I'm off my medication:/div
div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: trebuchet ms,sans-serif;" /div
div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: trebuchet ms,sans-serif;"When I'm off antidepressants, I write to keep my mind away from darker thoughts. If you read either of my posted stories, you'll see that most of the time they still creep forward and bleed into my writing. Off antidepressants I can get by with as little as two hours of sleep(on the flip-side, I would also sleep anywhere from twelve to twenty hours on days when I knew I could get away with it), and this sleep deprivation kicks my imagination into overdrive. I can bang out chapter after chapter and the quality ranges anywhere from tolerable to some of the best stuff I've ever written. I can focus on one story for months at a time, then drabble in two or three for a week or so, and then refocus to my main work. I love my creativity when I'm off antidepressants, but I hate myself./div
div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: trebuchet ms,sans-serif;" /div
div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: trebuchet ms,sans-serif;"And now for my mind when I'm ON my medication:/div
div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: trebuchet ms,sans-serif;" /div
div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: trebuchet ms,sans-serif;"When I'm on my meds, everything is better. Yes, the darkness of my mind is still there, but I'm better at keeping it at bay. I can remind myself that there are people that love me and that cutting, drinking a bottle of iodine, or downing a bottle of sleeping pills won't solve any of my problems. I'm able to smile and laugh and play with my babies/dogs. I'm able to get decent nights of sleep where nightmares aren't an every-night occurrence. But as for my writing... That's where the everything gets turned around. I'm unable to focus on one story. Whatever I write is either crap or only halfway decent. Ideas pop into my head all the time, and while occasionally they're good, they are never for the story I want to work on. If I try and write for one of my main stories, it all looks like utter shit compared to the rest of the story. Every week it seems like I have a new document that has one or two pages and then is never touched again. It's not because I hate the ideas I come up with, it's just because my ideas only go so far. I'm flighty and can't stick to anything. I hate my creativity when I'm on antidepressants, but I love my life./div
div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: trebuchet ms,sans-serif;" /div
div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: trebuchet ms,sans-serif;"None of this is an excuse for what I've done to you. I know that you all come to this wonderful site filled with wonderful people and just want to read. It's unacceptable that I've made you go so long without updates. But I haven't given up! I look at both of my stories every single day and try to write on them. But I want to keep up the standard that I've made for myself. I won't serve you shit because you don't deserve it. So until the time that I can give you chapters that are decent enough for you to read, I won't be posting. I hope that you understand that I would rather have nothing for you to read than just throw up some nonsense and call it a chapter. These stories are not abandoned! They're just waiting./div
div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: trebuchet ms,sans-serif;"br clear="all" / /div
div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: trebuchet ms,sans-serif;" I hope that I don't seem stupid writing all of this for you, but I don't want to leave you high and dry. I know that my stories don't have that many readers, they're far from popular, but to the few that do read and do leave reviews: I love you and you mean so much to me! I hope that this does let you into my mind just a little bit more and helps you understand. But while I'm over here trying to get my shit together, go explore the site! There are thousands, if not millions, of other amazing stories that are 100x better than anything I could ever write./div
div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: trebuchet ms,sans-serif;" /div
div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: trebuchet ms,sans-serif;"Again, I love and appreciate every single one of you, and I hope that you're still around when I do finally get everything back in order./div
div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: trebuchet ms,sans-serif;" /div
div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: trebuchet ms,sans-serif;"Much Love,/div
div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: trebuchet ms,sans-serif;"Amanda /div
div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: trebuchet ms,sans-serif;" /div
div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: trebuchet ms,sans-serif;"I have manic depressive disorder. I used to receive multiple medications for it, my episodes of anger, and my insomnia, and was doing quite well. Then, because the medication itself was working, I decided that I was happy and I didn't need it. So several years filled with suicidal thoughts and at least two suicide attempts (one of which left me laying in my own vomit half dead while my mother stood over me crying) passed by. Finally, earlier this year I made the decision to get back on my medication, which is 100mg of off-brand Zoloft. It was a tough decision. My partner thought that it meant he wasn't doing a good enough job of making me happy. But it wasn't that. He was doing a wonderful job. It was that, without help, I was weak. I couldn't appreciate all that he did for me. Hell, half the time I couldn't get out of bed. Thoughts that should have been focused on our upcoming wedding were turned to how I could get away with dying while causing them the least amount of pain possible. Once he understood that, I went ahead and got back on my meds. What does this have to do with anything, you ask?/div
div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: trebuchet ms,sans-serif;" /div
div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: trebuchet ms,sans-serif;"Let me describe how my mind works when I'm off my medication:/div
div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: trebuchet ms,sans-serif;" /div
div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: trebuchet ms,sans-serif;"When I'm off antidepressants, I write to keep my mind away from darker thoughts. If you read either of my posted stories, you'll see that most of the time they still creep forward and bleed into my writing. Off antidepressants I can get by with as little as two hours of sleep(on the flip-side, I would also sleep anywhere from twelve to twenty hours on days when I knew I could get away with it), and this sleep deprivation kicks my imagination into overdrive. I can bang out chapter after chapter and the quality ranges anywhere from tolerable to some of the best stuff I've ever written. I can focus on one story for months at a time, then drabble in two or three for a week or so, and then refocus to my main work. I love my creativity when I'm off antidepressants, but I hate myself./div
div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: trebuchet ms,sans-serif;" /div
div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: trebuchet ms,sans-serif;"And now for my mind when I'm ON my medication:/div
div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: trebuchet ms,sans-serif;" /div
div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: trebuchet ms,sans-serif;"When I'm on my meds, everything is better. Yes, the darkness of my mind is still there, but I'm better at keeping it at bay. I can remind myself that there are people that love me and that cutting, drinking a bottle of iodine, or downing a bottle of sleeping pills won't solve any of my problems. I'm able to smile and laugh and play with my babies/dogs. I'm able to get decent nights of sleep where nightmares aren't an every-night occurrence. But as for my writing... That's where the everything gets turned around. I'm unable to focus on one story. Whatever I write is either crap or only halfway decent. Ideas pop into my head all the time, and while occasionally they're good, they are never for the story I want to work on. If I try and write for one of my main stories, it all looks like utter shit compared to the rest of the story. Every week it seems like I have a new document that has one or two pages and then is never touched again. It's not because I hate the ideas I come up with, it's just because my ideas only go so far. I'm flighty and can't stick to anything. I hate my creativity when I'm on antidepressants, but I love my life./div
div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: trebuchet ms,sans-serif;" /div
div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: trebuchet ms,sans-serif;"None of this is an excuse for what I've done to you. I know that you all come to this wonderful site filled with wonderful people and just want to read. It's unacceptable that I've made you go so long without updates. But I haven't given up! I look at both of my stories every single day and try to write on them. But I want to keep up the standard that I've made for myself. I won't serve you shit because you don't deserve it. So until the time that I can give you chapters that are decent enough for you to read, I won't be posting. I hope that you understand that I would rather have nothing for you to read than just throw up some nonsense and call it a chapter. These stories are not abandoned! They're just waiting./div
div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: trebuchet ms,sans-serif;"br clear="all" / /div
div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: trebuchet ms,sans-serif;" I hope that I don't seem stupid writing all of this for you, but I don't want to leave you high and dry. I know that my stories don't have that many readers, they're far from popular, but to the few that do read and do leave reviews: I love you and you mean so much to me! I hope that this does let you into my mind just a little bit more and helps you understand. But while I'm over here trying to get my shit together, go explore the site! There are thousands, if not millions, of other amazing stories that are 100x better than anything I could ever write./div
div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: trebuchet ms,sans-serif;" /div
div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: trebuchet ms,sans-serif;"Again, I love and appreciate every single one of you, and I hope that you're still around when I do finally get everything back in order./div
div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: trebuchet ms,sans-serif;" /div
div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: trebuchet ms,sans-serif;"Much Love,/div
div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: trebuchet ms,sans-serif;"Amanda /div