Learn to Have Been
December 2014
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"Have you given any more thought to what we talked about last time?"
"She asked me to marry her," Rick Castle blurted out.
Dr Burke smiled at him, crossed his ankle over his knee. "Well, that's one way to solve a problem. And you said?"
"Yes," Rick gasped at him. "Of course. Yes."
"Of course," he echoed, not making it a question - per se.
"I hadn't realized," Rick said, shoulders hunching up. "You know how she is."
"For the sake of this session, no, I do not know how she is. You're supposed to tell me."
"She plays it close to the vest."
Dr Burke clasped his hands over his knee, lifted an eyebrow. "You believe that was the obstacle?"
"I..." Rick tilted his head. "I think so?"
"Because Kate Beckett is a woman who holds her own counsel. Even with you."
"Ah, not... okay. Not exactly. She does, I mean, don't get me wrong, she likes to have it all figured out before she broaches the subject, but no. I guess she's been pretty vocal about what she wants."
"So..."
"So... the obstacle was me?" But of course, Rick was still figuring that out. Mostly, Dr Burke had just been listening these last few months, because Rick Castle could definitely talk. Kate Beckett was so different in that regard, and it had been interesting to see where the two intersected.
"Why do you think the obstacle was you?" he guided gently. Oh, no mistaking it, Rick had been the obstacle. But Rick had to figure that out for himself.
"Because I - don't remember everything. I can't be that guy; I don't know how to be that guy and she's already so - she's - we had a long, hard road just admitting we wanted something more."
"How is that related? Your long road and your memory confusion." Dr Burke hoped he hadn't been too leading there.
But Rick Castle's mouth dropped open and he blinked. "Oh. It is related? I think - I guess I think it's related. Someone else made that long road with Kate, not this person, not me. It's not me who did that work-"
"Do you remember the work?"
The man frowned, attempted to smooth it out again. "Yes."
"Well."
"Well what?"
"How would you define yourself? What man are you if not that man with those experiences?"
"Kinda deep there, doc." Rick gave him that flash of charming smile, but Burke, of course, did not bite.
He waited.
And waited.
And Rick squirmed, fidgeted, scratched his neck, and finally huffed and answered. "I define myself by - fatherhood - being my daughter Alexis's father. My writing - the career and the talent both. My partnership with Kate - which, professionally, hasn't been there lately so I guess that's a problem too."
Dr Burke opened his mouth, thinking that Castle was done, but the man went on:
"And my ability to make her laugh."
His eyes fell away and his voice drifted, and while that litany had been interesting - especially the last - Dr Burke was sure it enfolded the deeper problem. So he took one of those covers and tried to expose it. "Your writing," Burke started. "Tell me about that."
"I haven't tried it."
"Why not?"
"What if it's not there when I do? What if I don't even like it or my fingers don't remember how to type? What if it's different - what if I haven't got the imagination for detective fiction, or the - the impetus?"
"You mean the muse."
Rick frowned furiously, pressed his hands down on his knees, chin practically tucked in. Defensive but listening.
Burke crossed his hands over his lap. "Do you think it circles around to that long, hard road? If you can't write, then you're not the man she fell in love with, not the writer who worked for her, to prove yourself to your muse. Do you think you've somehow started telling yourself that?"
Rick was still looking down, a fringe of bangs hiding his eyes, face in shadows due to the long afternoon light coming in the blinds.
Dr Burke let him sit, jotted down a few notes on his pad. They'd been tiptoeing around the issue for about six weeks, but Burke had been carefully testing the other support pillars of his identity; he was certain they would hold.
This one needed to topple.
He waited and then he said it, carefully. "Kate Beckett isn't your muse."
Rick sucked in a breath, head jerking up to look at him.
"She's a woman whom you are in love with, partnering with, sharing a life with. She does inspire you. That's healthy. Perfectly healthy. But that goddess ideal in your head - that has to go, Rick."
"Goddess ideal?"
"Setting her superior to yourself. Comparisons which say, You're not good enough. You're not the man you were. You don't rate. Those are lies you're telling yourself - and assuredly for longer than the accident. But the accident and your memory confusion have brought them to the fore, exacerbated what might have resolved itself given time. Marriage has a way of bringing our spouse down off the pedestal we've built for them."
"Oh." Rick's face was utterly blank, but Burke thought he saw recognition there. He had figured quite a lot of the problems associated with those first two marriages came from this. Rick seemed to see that too. "What does this have to do with my writing?"
"The goddess perhaps informs your writing, but Kate doesn't. Her story was the germ for a character; her life has given you fodder. But you know it's not about the books any more."
Rick let out a little chuckle, which Dr Burke had definitely not been expecting - though maybe he should have been, considering this man's coping mechanisms.
"I'm glad you can laugh about it," he said.
"Oh, it's just - you don't know how many people have said that to me."
"Ah. That it's gone so far beyond mere plot development?"
"Yeah. And I do know that. It's an actual life we have together. We are getting married, you know. Kate has plans already - she's telling me it's all she wants for Christmas this year, so yeah, I'm doing everything I can to get us there."
"That's perfectly fine," Dr Burke said. "Would you like to go back to the writing?"
"Well, it's what I am."
"I meant," Dr Burke smiled. "Would you like to talk about it. Since you changed the subject twice - trying to blindside me with your impending nuptials." Like a boy hoping his father would be proud of him. More issues, but Rick seemed to be handling those as well as could be expected. "Distraction. You're quite good at it."
Rick gave a crooked smile. "I am, huh?"
"Yes. You know that. It's one of your protective instincts. Charming misdirection - a magic trick. Though, I will say, I'm glad you said yes. You deserve happiness with her. You both deserve it. Kate has worked long and hard for this." Dr Burke stopped; there were things Kate had okayed in the beginning, earnest as she was to fix things for Rick. That was Kate, of course. Give me something to fix it. "You do know that she worked hard for herself, right? Not you, Rick. You do not carry the responsibility of that. She worked to be more - to be the person she wanted to be. Not to be who you wanted her to be."
"I know."
"In the same way, you cannot work to only be what she wants."
"Oh."
"Do you see?"
"I - guess so."
"Work to be more, to be the person you want to be. I believe that if you were a writer, you are probably still a writer, barring any permanent and debilitating brain damage. Though the scans have looked good. So I suggest you sit down at the computer and you write."
"Easy for you to say."
Dr Burke chuckled softly. "Yes, well. Just remember. She has worked to be more than a muse. And succeeded. Which means that you, Rick, can claim to be more than just her writer. It goes both ways."
X
"Oh, here he is," the woman in front of Marka sighed. She raised her voice and called out. "Rick."
Marka Duvall, wedding planner to the stars, smoothed her hands over her planner as she turned her head to follow her client's line of sight. The man who had walked in the door just now unwound the scarf from his neck and walked towards them. He had a nice smile, indulgent maybe, which was good for the budget, and definitely in love, which was good for Marka's sense of professional ethics.
She really wanted her clients to be in love; it made things so much easier. They usually were willing to spend, and a lot more willing to okay her suggestions.
They just wanted to get married.
"This is Marka Duvall," the woman said. "Marka, this is Rick Castle."
He was so broad, she thought, shaking his hand as he took the empty seat before her. Broad and tall, and his eyes were blue as he smiled. They were a striking couple. "Nice to meet you. Kate has been telling me that you've had some bad luck earlier this year."
His smile grew tight. He shot Kate a quick look and she shook her head, a jerk of denial that Marka found very interesting. She didn't know what that was all about, but it made him relax.
"Yes, our first wedding was - well, it was perfect until it wasn't. I didn't even get to see Kate in her dress." His eyes were all for her.
"We will definitely fix that," Marka rushed in. They were looking a little maudlin. She wondered what exactly had happened. The woman had only said that it had been canceled due to a family emergency. "And the date you were thinking...?"
"Around Christmas." Rick turned his head back to her, a piercing blue gaze. "Actually, December 21st. It's the shortest day of the year. Winter solstice. Can we do that?"
She was completely dismayed. "December - you do realize that today is the first?"
"Yes. Look at that, you have twenty days," Rick said enthusiastically. "I know you can do it, Marka. I've heard great things. Wedding planner to the stars."
She closed her mouth, heat flushing her cheeks, wishing for once that her business cards weren't sitting right there on her desk, wishing the framed article and photo with the 20-point Courier title wasn't right over her shoulder on the wall - all proclaiming the same thing, wedding planner to the stars.
"Twenty days is... just not a lot of time for a wedding the two of you deserve," she came out with.
"Money isn't a problem," Rick said, swinging his gaze back to her. "And Kate and I are pretty flexible about this one. We did all the things we were supposed to last time and it didn't bring us a lot of luck. So we're going to give you a few parameters and you run with it."
Marka swallowed. "How - how many guests?"
"Small," Kate answered quickly. Her hand covered his on his knee and Marka could actually see her squeezing hard. "Maybe a hundred people. A church somewhere - whoever has the 21st empty on their calendar."
"Oh," Marka said in dismay. They were really going to do this. "One hundred guests. A church available this close to Christmas." Impossible. "What - else?" She braced herself for complete unreasonableness.
"Just each other," Kate smiled. "We've got that. You just do what you can to pull it off. I had everything else before, but I didn't have him. What's the point?"
Marka let out a long breath, surprised. No bridezilla this one - at least not yet. She looked relaxed, the diamond was huge, and the man at her side was really only looking at her.
They both leaned forward as if they were going to leave her to it. Kate had already given her a generous deposit - more than Marka's usual - and she'd explained it would be this month, but she had really not expected-
"Do you have colors?" Marka cried out.
Kate looked at Rick; he looked back at her. They shrugged.
"Everyone's going to wear what they have," Rick said. "Some are keeping with the original plans, some are not."
"Just not Christmassy," Kate winced, wrinkling her nose. "Green is fine. Red is fine, but not together."
"No, no, never," Marka murmured. She pressed her hand to her forehead. They didn't even have colors. This was all on her shoulders; she was going to have to make it up out of wholecloth.
Though she had a sudden vision of a winter solstice wedding, the coldest, shortest day of the year, the moon rising, deer in the bare woods, red berries in the snow, silver and white.
"Oh, leave it all to me," she said, rising to her feet. "You're going to love it. You'll never even know it was pulled together in twenty days."
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