Learn to Have Been

January 2015

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"Is this completely irresponsible of us?" Kate sighed.

Alexis took a sidelong glance at her father who was still in high spirits, rearranging Kate's packing job of the two suitcases on the living room couch. The marriage had felt like such a rush this time, but the actual ceremony had been so beautiful. Surreal too, her father's second wedding to Kate, the first he'd made it to. But now his father was grinning and laying out neckties, disregarding the perfectly good blue stripes that Alexis had picked for him in favor of purple, a rather intense ocean blue, and a - was that actually paisley?

"No," she said finally. "He looks happy." It was an effort to admit it - that finally it seemed to be alright. Kate divined her meaning, because she wrapped an arm around Alexis and pulled her in. Slowly. Giving Alexis time to back off, she thought, which meant that Kate was more aware and more generous than Alexis had given her credit for.

"It's just the weekend," she was saying into Alexis's temple. "Well, three days. But I think your dad needs it."

"You probably both need it," Alexis sighed. She made fists at Kate's back, hugging her - oh, wow, Kate was her step-mother. Had been for the last two weeks. A white and silver wedding under the stars and now Kate was her step-mother. "Just - can you - do you mind if..."

"What, Alexis?" Kate said, pushing back from the embrace but holding onto Alexis's arm with a gentling grip. Her eyebrows were knitting together, concern racing across her face. She did that lately, immediately assumed it was going to be another crisis to fix, and Alexis felt bad for that. She hadn't been very kind to Kate, and when her father had gone missing after the accident, she'd been - she'd been a bitch. Emotional, unsupportive, accusing.

But she'd had good reason. And Alexis still didn't understand, not like Kate evidently did. She didn't understand why her dad kept choosing the 12th precinct over her. He was her dad, but she saw, she really did see, how hypocritical it was to demand her father release his apron strings and let her be free when she was unwilling to do the same to him.

He deserved, at the very least, three days.

"Alexis," Kate said urgently. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong. I just - lost him and I don't want to lose him again."

Kate's jaw dropped and for one sick, humiliating moment, Alexis saw the woman's face completely come undone.

Broken. Oh God, she'd broken Kate.

And then it was gone, and Kate was trying to smile one of those comforting things while she nodded and looked gravely at Alexis in a way that was supposed to indicate she had heard Alexis's concern and was going to address it.

But before Kate could say, I will do everything I can, Alexis rushed in to explain, feeling a little sick for doing that to her. "I mean - can you have him call me at night? It's childish to be tucked in bed, and it's not like it has to be at midnight or well, ten, I guess, since Dad's been going to bed early, but if I could hear his voice and-"

"Of course," Kate choked, suddenly crushing Alexis in a brisk, here-and-gone hug. She had a watery smile and no small amount of relief, but Alexis knew she had still scored a direct hit to Kate's - guilt? conscience? - and it was going to be a while before Alexis could make that up to her.

She hadn't meant to accuse; she was trying to be better than that. "Thanks, Kate. I know it's supposed to be your honeymoon. But I-"

"Castle won't - your dad - won't let me call it that," she said then, a flicker of amusement and her eyes trailing off to regard Alexis's dad. "He says this summer we'll do it right. So please, believe me when I say he's probably going to want to call you anyway, every night. He misses you when you're not here, you know."

Alexis nodded, but she recognized it was only half true. She didn't really want her father to miss her, not like that, not where it was a phone call every night. No. But she knew she had an issue here, knew it was the kidnapping and Paris and then her father's accident and disappearance. "I've been thinking for a little while now that I need to - um - get over this. But I - I need to talk to someone... else."

She couldn't quite admit that she'd rescheduled her last four therapy appointments and outright failed to show up on Monday.

Kate frowned. "Is something wrong with your therapist? She was highly recommended. After you were... kidnapped."

Alexis shifted. "She's nice. I - she's nice." She didn't know how to say this. "But she doesn't know you. Or really my dad either."

"But I've met her," Kate answered, looking bewildered. "Castle had me - I mean-"

"You met her?" Alexis echoed. "When?"

Kate was silent, obviously trying to figure out what the right thing to say was.

Alexis shook her head, waving it off. "I don't care - that's not a dealbreaker. I mean, because you're part of my family now - you have been. I understand why he asked you to. Dad wants us all to be - family," she finished lamely, wincing.

"Yeah," Kate answered, nodding slowly. Her eyes had gone back to Alexis's father and really, Alexis couldn't maintain a cool demeanor towards Kate when she looked at him like that.

Her father had someone, and that was worth it. Worth the truth to make this family work. "I quit going," she blurted out. "I quit going to my therapist."

Kate turned back to her, eyes blank, face blank. Clearly, a judgment was going on in there, but Alexis tried to explain.

"Even if you have met her, she doesn't know you. Or my dad. And so when I say things, or I'm upset, she just - she says, Well, you're a kid and he's your parent."

Kate was pressing her lips together like she had an urge to laugh, and okay, okay, it was a little funny. Sort of. Not really.

And then Kate's mouth twisted and she finally said, "You mean, you quit because your therapist doesn't know how your dad can be childlike sometimes, how you feel responsible for him. And that I'm a cop who drags him out into a bad and scary world, with no protection, leaving you - again - the only one who seems at all responsible."

Alexis felt her breath leave her in a rush.

Kate gave her a crooked smile. No, not even a smile. "It's possible I talk about you in therapy. It's possible your dad talks about you in therapy, and then it's even more likely our therapist turns around and tells us outright things we should know."

"Can he do that?" she gasped.

"Oh no, not the private stuff," Kate laughed. "There are obviously things we don't get to hear. Or need to hear. But we do talk about you. About trying to make this work despite the - the trauma we've all had."

Trauma? She was sick of it, sick of the feelings. Alexis sighed, shoulders dropping. At least she'd told Kate the truth. She hadn't wanted to explain to her dad, not while he was in the middle of being so happy, and somehow telling Kate at least made her feel - clean.

Confessing. As if to a parent.

"Alexis, would you see Dr Burke?"

Alexis gaped.

"Only if you're comfortable. He's not an adolescent psychiatrist. Oh, well, you're not an adolescent. I know that. I just mean - he's going to treat you like an adult. He will approach things with an adult's perspective and help you have an adult relationship with - um, I was going to say your dad, but that might not be entirely possible. At least with me you will."

Kate was grinning, a true and deep smile, and Alexis really did get it now. What Kate must see in Alexis's father, what she got from this, why it worked when everything said it shouldn't.

"And since I know him, and Rick knows him," Kate went on, some of that smile dimming but only in hesitation. "He's not usually doing family therapy - he's a cop's shrink, but he'd do it for me. He'd say it was part of my deal."

"Deal?" Alexis chuckled. It was nervous though, because she didn't know what that meant. Whose deal?

"The things I've had to work through. Because we're - family, right? And PTSD doesn't just go away. Anxiety and panic attacks. Those are - I'm sure you noticed. While your dad was missing."

Noticed what? "Panic attacks? No. I - no, I thought you were... very calm."

Too calm. Too reserved. Like ice. Impossible to talk to, impossible to believe Kate had cared at all, that stone face.

Which Kate was doing right now. Blank, total reservation. But it was dawning on Alexis what that really was, what it meant to be confronted with that steel-reinforced Kate Beckett.

Alexis had read Nikki Heat; she should have figured this out sooner.

So instead of putting more stupid words out there, she just flung her arms around Kate and hugged her hard, like she ought to, like she would have done to her dad if ever her father had been so clearly lost and hurt and needing a hug. Because Kate was part of her dad's whole deal, too, and so was Alexis.

"Thank you. I'll make an appointment with him, if you really don't mind. To be an adult - would be good. Thank you, Kate."

"Of course," Kate husked. She sounded like she was on the verge, but Alexis didn't try to pull away to see her break. She knew better now. Kate wasn't built that way, Kate wasn't like Alexis, wasn't like Rick Castle.

The Castles were good for Kate. And Kate was good for them. That was the deal.

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