Title: Snogging 101 with Professor Granger
Author: Professor Writer
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. And I'd also like the point out that I really don't own any of these pick up lines... nor do I suggest you use them! I found them online...
Author's Note: This is a Harry/Hermione fanfic. That said, I am a Hermione/Ron shipper. I obviously like H/Hr, otherwise I wouldn't be writing it. But I believe more strongly in Hr/R. That will come through strongly in this fanfic. For example, I do not turn Ron into a completely stupid prat and make it so it's okay that his feelings get hurt. I want him to have a fair chance. Thus, you will find stuff like this chapter... which is a strongly Hr/R themed chapter.
But never fear. Harry and Hermione do get together at the end of this fic. Not to give away the ending... but usually it's pretty obvious. Anyways, thank you so much for all of your reviews, guys! I especially want to thank those people who have reviewed chapter two ^_^ Sorry you waited longer for this chapter. My writing brain was not cooperating yesterday otherwise I would have gotten it out last night. I'm still not entirely happy with the way this turned out.
Read and review! Thank you.
Lesson Three [With Assistant Professors Gred and Forge]: Pick up Lines
Dumbledore's Army meetings had been underway for about a month thanks to Dobby. And Hermione's horrible knitting that made for the fact that Dobby was the only house-elf that would willingly clean the Gryffindor Common room. How Hermione had managed to find time to knit all those woolly hats was beyond Harry…
Still, with Harry's Defense lessons going on the Snogging Lessons had been put on hold. It wasn't like there was actually any snogging going on – what Hermione was thinking Harry would never be able to tell – but they'd get there eventually. Hopefully. And having to spend so much time with Cho, Harry was getting anxious about learning what to do real quick. This was not something he wanted to mess up.
"Be patient, Harry," Hermione hissed at him during History of Magic. Ron had fallen asleep so it had been a convenient time to ask. "The longer you wait the less likely Cho is to think about Cedric. Besides, you might want to ask her out first."
"I don't want her to say yes because she feels sorry about me," Harry growled back.
"She doesn't want you to ask her out because you feel sorry for her!" Hermione said back, her voice getting rather shrill.
Harry slammed down the quill he had not been using, about to come up with a retort. But either the sound of Hermione's voice or Harry's quill hitting desk had startled Ron awake. He goggled at his two friends for a moment before his ears went read and he placed his head back on his parchment meant for notes. Harry sincerely doubted Ron ever managed to nod off back to sleep.
Because he had to share a dormitory room with the Weasley who was just as nervous about Hermione as Harry was about Cho. Too bad there weren't any other conveniently single best friends around to help Ron out. Perhaps if Harry got lucky he would be able to give Ron a few pointers. But until he went on an official date with Cho everything Hermione taught him had to be kept in the strictest of confidences.
After all, he didn't want to get into a fight with his best mate about his other best mate. Harry was not interested in Hermione in that way. It wasn't because she wasn't beautiful or a wonderful girl. They were just friends and sometimes being friend was better than wanting to date one another. Certainly this whole business with Cho proved it. Why couldn't he be as calm around her as he was around Hermione?
"You sure I ought to ask Hermione out?" Ron asked for the hundredth time as Harry was pulling off his shirt to get ready for bed. He threw his friend a dirty look over his bare shoulder.
"If you don't, I'm going to think you're gay," snapped Harry. "Now eyes the other way, bud!"
Sheepishly, Ron turned around on his bed as Harry continued to undress and get into his pajamas.
"So… I should…" Ron started again.
"Yes, Ron!" shouted all of the guys in their dormitory plus quite a few from the other dormitories, including Fred and George who had stuck their heads in.
With a moan Ron dropped his face into his hands. Taking pity on the guy, Harry gave the others a pleading glance and one by one they emptied out, giving the two friends some space. Though Harry still wasn't quite certain what to say. They hadn't covered how to ask a girl out in Snogging 101. Only what to do on the first date. What, did Hermione expect Harry to just automatically know how to because he had managed to get a date for the Yule Ball?
She had pretty high expectations for him.
"Don't force it, mate," said Harry, sitting down on Ron's bed. This was definitely something he could talk about safely. After all, that piece of advice seemed to be working out with Cho. "Just wait for when the moment feels right."
"Harry," said Ron, turning to him with a pale face. "I hardly know what to say to her other than to get into an argument! How am I supposed to ask 'Mione out?"
Harry gagged visibly. "Mione?"
"Sorry…" mumbled Ron. "I just… I don't know, it's kind of become my…"
"Pet names already, iccle Ronikins?" said Fred… or George… striding into the boy's dormitory. Somehow Harry had the feeling they never had left.
"And you two aren't even dating yet!" added George. Harry was certain he had them sorted out, anyways. It was usually pretty simple to figure out since Fred usually seemed like the leader, speaking more, while George was more of the brain and tactic twin. He was the quieter second. Not that either of them could really be called quiet.
Though, they sometimes switched it up when they though somebody was catching on to who was who. Then Harry had no bloody clue which twin he was talking to.
"Get out!" snapped Ron, grabbing his pillow and throwing it at Fred. "It's not a pet name, it's just a… er… shortened name!"
"Right," said George, nodding sagely as Fred was momentarily distracted by projectile bed cushions.
"And to think we came here to help you out," said Fred, having seemingly one the grapple with the pillow. He was holding it an inch away from his face, breathing heavily. "Then you throw your pillow at me! I'm hurt."
Ron was frozen. Harry could tell his friend was stuck between saying "leave me alone" (probably the smarter option) and "help how?" (which seemed like the more useful option). Knowing Fred and George, however, either way could turn out nasty.
"Since we know you want to know, little brother," said George, grinning. "We'll tell you how anyways."
"Dating lessons!" said Fred, throwing the pillow back at Ron who merely bat it out of the way with his arm. His reflexes were quick and it was like hitting a quaffle away from the goal. Ron could make a really good Keeper if he just put his focus into it. "With Gred and Forge!"
"Like what?" said Ron, crossing his arms.
And that was when what Fred said actually caught up with the intelligent part of Harry's brain. More lessons? Wasn't Hermione enough of a relationship professor as it was? Sure, Hermione couldn't help Ron out with this particular problem. But if she taught Harry he could pass it on to his best friend. He had no problem doing that.
That was how it normally went! In fact, these lessons with Hermione were entirely bonkers. Only she would come up with something as ridiculous as practicing something as natural and spontaneous as a kiss! Though if that were all true then Fred and George wouldn't be offering lessons and Harry wouldn't have agreed to Hermione's mad idea.
He really needed to stop having double standards on everything. Life worked the way it did and he wasn't going to over analyze it. Usually when Harry tried to analyze things Snape ended up the bad guy, Draco was involved somehow, and the real bad guy was the victim. He was pretty certain he wasn't over analyzing Umbridge, though. But, then again, everybody had liked Moody and he had turned out not to be who everybody thought he was.
Harry nearly shuddered at the thought of the same being true of Umbride.
"Um… Harry? Are you alright?"
Apparently Harry had gone into a complete daze. He blinked and looked up at the red headed twins with a questioning look on his face.
"Did you want to join us?" George inquired.
"Yeah, sure, whatever…" said Harry, getting up from Ron's bed and going to his own. "Sorry guys, I'm tired. See you in the morning."
Said morning came earlier for Harry than he had anticipated. He woke up in a cold sweat from a strange dream of Dobby chasing after him reciting love poetry while Ron was holding hands with George at blue table clothed desk trying to kiss him. Then Hermione had walked in wearing all pink like Umbridge and "hem hem"ing. Though if that wasn't bad enough as soon as Harry woke up he realized what he had agreed to.
He had agreed to sit in on Fred and George's dating lessons. With a groan, Harry slapped his forehead. He was such an idiot. Never again was he going to open up his mouth without thinking.
Okay, probably a lie. But it might happen!
It was bad enough he'd had a weird dream, had woken up early, and knew he had already agreed to some dating lessons when he was already doing snogging lessons with Hermione. But all of this was happening on a Saturday. Because, yes, sometimes the entire universe was pitted against Harry.
Even better was the fact that, Fred and George intended on the lessons that day. On Saturday. They had passed Ron a note during breakfast which he had opened only after Hermione had retreated to the library. Both of them were expected at the Room of Requirement after lunch. This would be interesting…
Feigning a studying trip, Harry and Ron lost Hermione after lunch and made their way to the Room of Requirement. A door was already waiting for them and they stepped through into what looked like your ordinary class. With only two student desks, of course. And a giant blackboard at the front where Fred and George were standing in long robes and square shaped hats with tassels hanging from them.
"Take your seats," said Fred, pointing with a ruler to the only two available chairs.
"Lesson number one will be," George said, turning to the blackboard with a piece of chalk. In Harry's mind he changed it to lesson three. "Pick up lines."
Harry slapped a hand to his forehead. Yes, because that was a useful thing to learn. When in the history of dating did those ever work?
"Before you ask," said Fred. "I have used many and quite a few have worked."
"So we pass down to the younger generation," said George, having finished writing on the chalk board. "The ones that have been successful."
"Saving you the torture of using inadequate ones," Fred confirmed. "So let us begin with one that would be perfect for Ron no matter what girl he wants to pick up."
George tapped the blackboard with his wand. Why hadn't he done that before? Slowly words scrawled themselves across the surface.
I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
"Though for Ron, we'd substitute 'amnesia' with 'idiocy'," George said.
"Hey!" snapped Ron, his ears going red.
"A classic one to use," said Fred, also tapping the blackboard. "Would be this one."
I'd need a map to keep myself from getting lost in your eyes.
"Do people seriously say stuff this cheesy?" Harry sighed, about ready to leave. This was utterly ridiculous. He was certainly learning a lot more from Hermione than he could possible gain from these two idiots.
Especially with moronic stuff like "getting lost in your eyes." Who honestly said that sort of thing?
Fred and George exchanged a look, each of them frowning. Finally, they turned back, taking off their ridiculous hats and robes. These they flung aside before Fred grabbed a table that had appeared, dragging it in front of Ron and Harry, while George settled a blonde wig on his head.
"What are you two doing?" said Ron, mouth gaping.
"Performance time," said Fred, wagging a finger at his younger brother.
George, looking very much like a drag queen in his obviously fake long blonde hair, sat down at the desk, pretending to drink something. Fred then swaggered over, placing a hand on the desk and his other on the back of George's chair. Harry nearly gagged at the image. Then George made a dramatic sniff, acting like he – or she – were wiping away a tear.
"Hey, don't worry about it," said Fred, cupping George's chin. Ron fell out of his chair. "Nothing that you've ever done before counts. The only thing that matters is that we're together."
"Oh, Forge!" cried George in a falsetto.
"Stop, oh stop, please," said Ron, pounding his forehead to the floor which was, surprisingly, carpeted and probably would not do much damage.
"We're done," said George, throwing off the wig. "Now it's your turn, Ron."
Ron looked up with a face of cold fury that quite plainly told them that no way in any part of hell was he doing that.
"Don't worry, it won't be with either of us," said Fred, indicating both twins. "And you don't have to be the girl."
Harry saw the pit trap even as he said, "Well, if Ron isn't the girl and neither of you will be…"
"You've got it Harry," said George, dragging Harry to his feet and slapping a brunette wig on his head. Then he shoved Harry behind the desk. "You get to play the girl."
"It's not like you have to do anything, bud," said Fred, dragging Ron to the side of the room where they stood there whispering for a moment. Harry could feel his cheeks darkening and he glared fiercely at George who merely whistled.
Suddenly a shaking hand was on Harry's shoulder and he looked up into Ron's eyes. He was definitely going to be sick.
"Y-you're… like a dictionary," said Ron, stammering at first and then dropping into a monotone, his eyes flickering around the room. "You bring meaning to my life."
"Very sweet," said Harry. "Don't touch me."
Ron's hand jumped off Harry's shoulder as Fred clucked his tongue.
"Come on, Ron!" Fred was saying. "Add more feeling to that. Tell Hermione how you really feel!"
Harry gave him the worst glare he could manage wearing a brown haired wig. Though it probably made him seem more like Hermione before Ron confidently walked around the desk to stand opposite Harry.
"Should I smile because we're friends," said Ron, reaching out and grabbing Harry's hand. "Or cry because that's all we'll ever be?"
Harry raised his free hand in a fist. "Smile, damn it!"
Ron jumped backwards, his face going entirely red. Harry got to his feet, ripping of the wig and throwing it at Fred. "Lesson's over. You're all idiots."
He settled down for dinner early, still fuming over the Weasley idiocy. Honestly, Harry was starting to wonder what Hermione saw in Ron. The guy had no decency.
"How was your… studying?" said Hermione, sitting down next to him. "Get anything done?"
"Bad, and nothing worth a damn," growled Harry, poking at his steak. "I'll tell you later," he added at Hermione's bewildered look because he had spotted Ron walking into the Great Hall.
"Hey, Ron," said Hermione, sound confused still. "I was just talking to Harry about your studying…"
"You know, Hermione," said Ron, smiling slyly. "If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call fine print."
Ron flashed Harry a confident grin. Harry groaned and nearly dropped his head onto his plate. Hermione paused for a moment before saying,
"Thank you, Ron."
Maybe she didn't have a thing for Ron. Because nobody in their right mind would have taken such a stupid thing like that with a simple "thank you." Nobody!
Then again. Maybe Hermione wasn't in her right mind… Perhaps it was Harry's turn to teach the Professor.