Author's Note: I had no idea people would like this story that much! Thanks for all the reviews; they really motivated me to write more!
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November 14th, 1965
It was getting colder and grayer as the days went by. Back in the states, people would be getting ready for Thanksgiving, gathering around their family tables with turkey and several courses for dinner. And they'd all be somewhere warm, lit with candles and smelling like cinnamon and pumpkin pie. Warmth, comfort, home, and family were the main aspects of the holiday. These things were nonexistent in Vietnam, huddling among dilapidated shacks and dying grass in the bitter cold. It was just barely snowing; odd for that time of year, but at least the rain had stopped. And even without the rain, the snow got to them just as much, creeping into weary bones and chilled skin beneath too-thin, too-coarse army regulated uniforms.
They were making their way to the new base camp. Lavi didn't know where, exactly. He had stopped looking at maps and diagrams, trying to figure out where they were in comparison to Sol or to the nearest harbor city. Knowing these facts would only make him want to run in that direction as far away from Vietnam as he could, hop on the first boat he found, and then trek cross-country back home, where Lenalee was waiting. He touched his chest where her picture resided; right in the front pocket of his uniform directly over his heart. How fitting for the girl who stole it.
"So this is your last one, huh, Krory?" Lavi asked, as they lay flat down on the ground, guns at the ready, watching the surrounding gray trees and grass for movement. Their platoon was resting and they were on morning guard duty.
"Last one," Krory answered, almost like a sigh, his breath coming out in a white cloud before him. "Chopper's dropping off supplies and I'm hitching a ride back to port."
"Get to go home and see your girl, huh?" Lavi asked, looking over at his comrade with a grin.
"My girl…" Krory breathed, smiling. "Eliade is waiting back home. We're getting married soon. June, probably. She wants to be a June bride."
"I'm sure it'll be a nice wedding. If I'm back in the states, you better invite me or else I'll never forgive you," Lavi said, in a teasing tone as he shifted his hold on the gun that was turning cold in the mid-morning frost. Krory just laughed at him.
"Well, it wouldn't really be a proper wedding if the best man couldn't be there," Krory replied, nudging Lavi in the shoulder.
"Oh, get the fuck out, man," Lavi said, shaking his head with a grin. "Don't mess with me."
"I'm serious. You're going to be my best man," Krory answered, in his no-nonsense, I'm-your-superior sort of tone.
"Sir, yes, sir," Lavi replied, grinning widely still.
They then lapsed into silence, searching the area with piercing eyes, numb fingers teasing the safety on their weapons as they did so. A branch moved on a tree right at the edge of the forest, where the open meadow met forest. Safety off.
"Did you…?" Lavi asked in a hush whisper.
"Yeah," Krory answered, just as quiet.
There was more movement and Lavi tensed up.
"Sergeant, what do we do?" Lavi asked, counting the numbers. Judging from how many trees moved along a certain length of the meadow, the redhead guessed more than thirty. Most likely armed and dangerous. But at least the Americans had the element of surprise on their side. Right?
"We have to get back there, quietly, and let everyone know," Krory said, as he began moving backwards stealthily, without moving a single blade of grass. Now Lavi knew why they had made a path in the first place: an escape route.
"Air support?" Lavi asked, going backwards as well.
"They're supposed to meet at the rendezvous point at 0800. They'll fly right over us if we're lucky and lend aid," Krory explained, as they made their way back to the fox hole the rest of their group was staying in. "Suit up, men, we've got enemies at our nine and ten." The bleary-eyed men quickly got on their full uniforms, ammo, guns, helmets, everything. Within seconds they changed from a group of ordinary men to soldiers, all looking stern and forlorn in gray-green.
"Be ready. We can get the jump on them early; get this done nice and clean so we can get out of here. Understand?" their commanding officer said.
"Sir, yes, sir!" everyone answered in a hushed whisper. Krory gave out orders of positioning and groups, and then they were off back through the gray grass again.
"Stay at my right and watch my back," Krory said, and Lavi nodded.
"I've got your back if you've got mine," Lavi answered, keeping as low as possible while they quickly maneuvered their way through the waist high grass.
"Always, you know that," Krory said, performing a quick handshake he and Lavi had developed during their time serving together. Krory was the one person that Lavi had come to become close with; the one person who understood when he was talking about something the others might consider emotional. And Krory was okay about discussing the things no one wanted to talk about. He was a good friend, a good comrade, and a good soldier. Lavi trusted him more than anyone.
"Let's do this for our girls," Lavi said, voice low, eyes searching.
"Right on," Krory answered, giving him a thumbs up. "The quicker this is over with, the quicker we get done here and go home. Pumpkin pie and apple cider sound real good right now."
Lavi smiled and for a moment, this cold, bleak place felt like it might not be that bad. There was no more movement. Perhaps the enemy had moved on and they wouldn't have to engage…Then shots fired out of nowhere and everywhere all at once. Disoriented, the soldiers in Lavi's platoon aimed at where they assumed the shooting to be coming from. Lavi did the same and had only fired twice when something caught him sharply on the right side of his face. He swore loudly, causing more attention to be aimed their way. The other two soldiers with them fell dead. Lavi, clutching the right side of his face, pulled Krory down as another round of shots were fired at them. A hot pain tore through his side before he was down on the ground, partially on top of Krory, almost like a shield. And then it was crimson pain and blackness for the longest time, ringing of gunfire still overhead.
"Lavi! Lavi!"
He was moved from his position, then on his back. Hands on his shoulders, shaking him, making his head hurt. Lavi tried to open his eyes, but was met with unbearable pain that was so intense he could barely make a sound.
"Don't move, don't move…!"
The voice commanded him so and Lavi obeyed, pressure applied to the ride side of his face, making the pain sear, causing his hands grip at someone's wrist with cold, shaking hands.
"You're all right, you're going to be all right—!"
More gunfire and someone was leaning over him. Lavi managed to get his left eye to crack open and he could only see Krory's face looking down at him. Then there was more pressure, this time on his left side, something that made him nearly scream. It felt like he was falling apart…
"Lavi, stay with me," Krory said from over top of him, pressing his side. There was still shooting, but the gunfire was drowned out by the roaring of something else. Swirling, Lavi could only think, his mind half-way gone. It sounded like something swirling. The word "whirring" was beyond his range of thought at the moment. Helicopter came faster. Safe came next.
Talking, talking, people rushing by, Lavi wasn't sure what was going on, staring up at the gray sky with one usable eye. It was so ugly, not like that day…a memory flashed before his eyes, of blue water and white clouds and a girl in a yellow dress, so beautiful and so happy. Smiling. Checkers on the dress and a matching bow in her hair. Black hair, dark almond eyes. A smile that he couldn't forget. But the pieces weren't fitting together right, so he could only see parts of her in fragmented pieces and not the whole picture. A nametag, she had a nametag, he knew that. Lenalee. Lenalee? What a nice name, he could only think, smiling a little. He knew her and he knew that he had to tell her something important. Something…important. What did she look like? He wasn't sure, his hands moving of their own accord to his breast pocket. Something smooth, flat. A photograph, and suddenly her face was before his eyes, smiling frozen forever. Beautiful. Lenalee. Lenalee Lee, the girl he loved and was going to marry, if she said yes. Would she say yes? Lavi's thoughts were jumbled, confused, but her happy face made him smile with crimson lips. My girl.
"What do you mean there's not enough room?" Krory was shouting at someone near them.
"The injured have to be left. All able-bodied men are to leave," came the answer from somewhere far away.
"I can't do that!" Krory said, still pressing firmly on Lavi's side, making the redhead's fist nearly crumple the photograph in pain.
"They're orders," said the voice. "Leave him and get on. We don't have much time. We can only hold them back for so long."
"I can't! I'm staying!" Krory replied, making Lavi furrow his brow at the older man.
"Stay…ing?" Lavi repeated, slowly, painfully.
"Lavi, oh, God, you're all—yeah, I'm staying; not going anywhere, man. Staying right here, like I promised: I've got your back," Krory said.
"…no…" Lavi forced out, his body settling into a strange sort of numbness. He was suddenly tired, lips almost too heavy to move. Like marble or granite. But he had to get it out before he was cast in stone forever. "Go…Eli…ade…"
"I'm not—!"
"Sergeant! Now!"
Krory was crying—Lavi knew that much—and Lavi was trying to push him away with whatever strength he had.
"Not…mad…" Lavi said, attempting to let Krory know he wouldn't be upset with him if he left. "…do me…a favor…instead…?"
"Anything," Krory said, leaning over to hear him better, as Lavi was sure his voice had gotten soft. He couldn't help it, as his chest was so heavy he could barely breathe. But he knew that he had to give it to Krory, the thing he had dreaded doing, but had done it anyway.
"My…front pocket…" Lavi said, trying to pat it, his hand still clenched around the picture of Lenalee. Krory went into that pocket and pulled out a thick envelope, staring at it with something on his face Lavi had no name for at the moment.
"This is…" Krory murmured.
"…my…girl…please…" Lavi forced his heavy hands to lift up and place on top of Krory's. "Needs…to get…the last…one…" He managed to smile somehow. "Tell her…I love her…didn't die…hurting…m'kay?" Tears were falling down Krory's face and Lavi could only think of how much they looked like snow. "…give her…this…" He fumbled with the dogtag around his neck. "…for me…please…"
"O…kay…" Krory managed to get out, tucking the bloodstained letter into his coat pocket and yanking the tag from Lavi's neck.
"Thank…you…sorry…about the…wedding…" Lavi sighed, eye settling closed as his hand fell limply over Krory's. "She'll…be a…beautiful…June bride…"
"Yeah…" Krory said, and Lavi felt his hand remove the helmet he wore so that he could run his hand through whatever remained of his red hair. It was a comforting gesture to a dying person, Lavi thought, in a strangely rational manner.
"…my girl…would have been…too…"
And then Krory was gone and the sounds of the helicopter got further and further away as the snow continued to fall down like tears.
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Lenalee hadn't come out of her bedroom since she had gotten home that Friday night. Luckily, it was a half-week before a holiday so she didn't miss that much school. But that didn't matter to her; nothing really did. She sat in the corner of her room in the dark, curled up and crying. It seemed like she couldn't stop, knowing that the redheaded boy with the kindest smile she'd ever seen was never coming home. Lenalee would never feel his hand in hers again, or the way his arms fit perfectly around her. He would never pick her up and twirl her around, calling her "beautiful" ever again. And she would never hear him say "I love you" in person, just as he would never hear her reply "I do."
Komui was worried, Lenalee knew. He had enough problems to worry about, like their house payment, and the loans on the diner. Too many to be worried about the death of a soldier boy no one really knew. But he was trying to comfort her, and Lenalee was grateful, even though she didn't need comfort. She needed Lavi. And Lavi wasn't in this world anymore. That knowledge alone was enough to cut her like a knife, slowly whittling her heart down into what would eventually become mere nothingness. She was wasting away on the inside, wanting him. Waiting for him to come home and fulfill his promise…And Lenalee cried because she couldn't hate him for not being true to his words. It just made her love and miss him even more than ever, hating the cruel fate they now shared: one in death and the other in life.
Thanksgiving went by and the normal meal that Lenalee cooked for her brother and the few close friends they usually had didn't happen. She was too tired and just too sad to be thankful for anything. After all, what was there to be grateful for when the only person she had truly loved in her life and would have probably loved for the rest of her life, was now gone?
Somewhere between the stretch between Thanksgiving break and Christmas break, Lenalee went back to school, but didn't care. She couldn't find any heart in anything, and that worried her friends and classmates. Allen Walker more than anyone else.
"Are you all right, Lenalee?" he asked, sitting down beside her one day at lunch. His blue eyes were staring at her intensely.
"Fine," she answered quietly, staring at nothing in particular.
"If you're sure. But if you ever want to talk…" Allen said, and she felt the warm brush of his hand over hers. "I'm always here."
"Thanks, Allen," Lenalee said, hating herself for thinking that Allen's hand wasn't Lavi's.
And Lavi's was the one she yearned for the most.
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The first snow fell and Christmas break came along, cheerful as usual in their small town. Lenalee could barely muster the strength to put up a tree, but Komui wouldn't stand for a holiday without one. They decorated it together, Komui doing his best to be comical by tangling himself up in the lights, or wearing a goofy hat, but none of the smiles Lenalee could muster ever reached her eyes. He noticed, and his eyes got a little sadder and older too.
"Lenalee…" Komui said, making her sit down next to him with some eggnog. He put his arm around her shoulders. "I know you're…sad and not dealing with this well…but you need to…move on. Wouldn't he have wanted that for you? Surely he wouldn't have wanted to see you never smile again."
"I know…" Lenalee answered, after a moment, in a small voice. "I just…need time…it's too sudden. I can't…get over him…that fast…"
Komui hugged her and was going to say something else when the doorbell rang. He looked somewhat surprised, but got up and went to the front of the house to answer it. A few minutes later, he came back, with a man in uniform following behind him. Lenalee's heart leapt for a second at the sight of it, but it wasn't Lavi. It was a tall man with dark hair and a white streak through it, most likely from stress, as he looked quite too young to have gray hair so soon.
"Are you…Lenalee Lee?" he asked, looking somewhat nervous.
"Y-Yes," Lenalee answered, surprised.
"I-I'm Arystar Krory. I was the sergeant and the commanding supervisor for Lavi Bookman's platoon," he said.
"Please, sit down," Komui said, quite nicely, offering him the comfy chair by the decorated tree. Krory sat, looking nervous as ever. "Coffee, tea? Eggnog?"
"No, thank you. I'm fine," Krory answered, then turned back to Lenalee. "I've come to…fulfill Lavi's…last wishes."
"Last wishes," Lenalee repeated, her throat feeling swollen, eyes already hot with tears.
"I…was with him when our unit was taken by surprise during our camp relocation," Krory said, looking down. "He was…injured in the crossfire. And…he wanted me to give you these." With that said, Krory produced two items: a letter and a dogtag, both smeared with dried blood. Lenalee reached for them with trembling hands. The tag was cold in her palm. Heavy. It said:
NAME: LAVI BOOKMAN
AGE: 18
BLOODTYPE: O
ID: 4568809-345
The tag stared up at her with the hard truth. Lavi was gone; the proof was in her hands. Something so tiny and so seemingly insignificant served as the evidence of the end of Lavi's life. She brought it to her chest and held it there for a moment, closing her eyes. Lavi had worn it, everyday. It was like holding a piece of him, almost. But it was a piece that she didn't know. It was the army part of him, not the part of Lavi she knew and remembered. The Lavi she knew smiled at her with green eyes that lit up when looking at her and only her, his smile something that seemed to say "I love you" without speaking.
The letter sat on her knees. She didn't want to read it yet. That would make it final. Too final for her to handle right then. Wiping at her eyes, she slipped the cold chain around her neck and tried to regain some kind of composure. At least Krory had been considerate during her few moments, as Komui had been. But when she looked up, her brother was gone and it was just her and the other soldier in the room. His eyes looked sad and haunted, rather shiny now. Was he close to tears as well?
"I-I'm sorry…" Lenalee said, wiping at her cheeks again, as the tears were coming unbidden. "I just…"
"I know…" Krory answered, his voice sounding choked.
"I don't want to ask, but…" Lenalee said, trailing off, not knowing how to ask. How cruel would it be to wonder if Lavi had been thinking of her in his last moments?
"He told me with his last few breaths to get these to you," Krory answered her unasked question quietly. "He wanted you to have that last letter. It was important to him. He said…he loved you." Lenalee couldn't wipe away the tears fast enough.
"Did he…" Lenalee tried to get out, but she couldn't say the word die no matter how much she knew it to be true. "…suffer?"
"He didn't…seem to be in pain," Krory answered, looking at his knees. "It started out that way—painful, that is—but he had your picture right here." Krory put his hand over his heart. "And when he looked at it, it was like just seeing your face…made it not hurt so much." Lenalee's shoulders were shaking.
"How…what happened to him?" Lenalee asked, managing to ask.
"He was shot," Krory answered, eyes still downcast. "Twice. Our group went down and it was just me and him against the enemy. He…pulled me down on the ground. But by then he…"
"He saved you?" Lenalee asked, glassy eyes widening marginally.
"Yes…" Krory answered, smoothing his hands over his pants. Those hands had been there for Lavi's last moments. Had they been trying to save Lavi's life the entire time? Had they been kind enough to hold his hand as his life left him?
"Where…is…" Lenalee choked back a sob; she couldn't say the word body either.
"We…were forced to evacuate," Krory answered painfully, then continued almost like he was on autopilot. "We couldn't take any injured with us." Lenalee's breath caught.
"You…left him there?" she asked, almost accusingly.
"We…had no other choice," Krory said.
"Yes you did! You could have—had to have had a choice!" Lenalee cried, her voice rising.
"If I had any other choice, I would have taken it," Krory replied, expression tortured. But Lenalee wouldn't listen to his excuses.
"Was he even…was he still alive when you left him there?!" Lenalee asked, voice louder now. She heard something from down the hall, most likely her brother coming to see what was the matter. "Did you abandon him there while he was still breathing?!" Krory met her eyes for a moment, looking anguished, before dropping his head into his hands.
"Yes," he said.
"How could you!? How could you, his friend?! You LEFT him there! He was still alive and you just ran away! How could you?! HOW COULD YOU?!" she shouted, causing Komui to come bursting into the room. He was just fast enough, grabbing Lenalee around the middle before she could launch herself at the other man. It was out of character for her to get angry—want to hurt someone so much—but she couldn't help the rage that burned inside her at the knowledge that maybe Lavi could have been treated and maybe he wouldn't be…
"Calm down, Lenalee. Just calm down," he said, using the voice he had used when she was a child and upset from a nightmare. If only she'd wake up from this one.
"No! NO!" Lenalee cried, trying to get away from him, tears falling down her face without restraint. "He left Lavi there! He left him there! Why did you do that?! WHY?!"
"You think I don't regret it?!" Krory answered, standing up suddenly, looking angry himself. But he was crying too, and Lenalee knew he was telling the truth. Krory had been Lavi's friend. He had lost someone important just as Lenalee had. "I dream about it every night! I see his face and that goddamn smile of his and it's like I'm back there again!" Krory slumped down in the chair, hiding his face. "Do you think I would have willingly left my best friend there?" Lenalee's legs were shaking with the effort of keeping her upright, and she crumpled down to the floor, Komui easing her down so she didn't hurt herself.
"…I'm sorry…" Lenalee said, tears still falling.
"I'm sorry, too," Krory said, looking up at her. "I tried to stay, but he told me to go without him. He told me to go because I had to get this to you. It was just that important."
The envelope looked so heavy and final sitting on the edge of the couch. Lavi's last wish was contained in those few pieces of paper inside. His last words to her. How painful had it been to write?
"Thank you," Lenalee said.
"And thank you," Krory said, pulling out a box from his pocket, which he handed to Lenalee. She took it and looked inside. A medal: a purple heart. Something awarded to soldiers wounded in battle. "I know it'll never be as good as having him here, but at least you can know…he…died with honor." Krory stood up and gave her a sad smile. "And he died loving you with everything he had." A person who fought and defended, carrying within them the love for the one other person who gave them strength.
A true soldier.
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Lenalee went to her room after Krory left and sat down on her bed, holding the letter in her hands. Her fingers trembled at the lip, not wanting to open it, but at the same time knowing she had to. She had to know what Lavi had so desperately wanted Krory to give this to her for. Opening it was the hardest thing she had to do, the paper harsh and stiff, unforgiving. Inside were a few sheets of standard army-issue paper folded in thirds. Holding her breath, Lenalee opened them and saw that painfully familiar handwriting.
Dearest Lenalee,
If you're reading this, it means I'm gone. It hurts, I know, but no matter how hard it was to write this, I needed to put it on paper so it could get to you if something went awry. And it did, or else you wouldn't have this letter in your hands now.
Lenalee's eyes were tearing up again, but she hastily wiped them away.
I wanted to say that I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Lenalee. I didn't mean to do this to you. I never should have gone into Lenny's that day. I never should have asked you to talk to me. I never should have promised you something that was beyond my control. And though I did all of those things, and would do those things all over again, the one thing I shouldn't have done was leave in the first place. I should have never gotten on that bus and driven away from you. Because I'm sure you felt it too; that insecurity that settled in your chest at the thought of the future.
She could remember well, watching him disappear from the station, wondering if she would ever see him again. The thought of him coming home in a casket rather than walking through her front door, alive and well, weighed heavily on her heart everyday.
I thought I'd live long enough to do my time and get out and be on that first plane home to you. But I was wrong. I'm so sorry I wasn't strong enough to make it through this thing alive. And I was so motivated by your letters, and your picture, and your memory that I thought nothing could hurt me. This was only reinforced in battle when people I knew died, but I did not. I felt untouchable because your love was my strength. But I'm also a boy, which means I'm stupid, and I slipped up. It's all my fault I'm not with you now.
"No," Lenalee said out loud, eyes overflowing with tears. "It's not your fault. It's not your fault…!" How could Lavi think he was to blame for all of this? It wasn't his fault, but he'd never know because she'd never be able to tell him.
Even though I grieve for what I've done to you, I'm selfish and, if given the chance, would have done everything over again, I wouldn't change a thing. I would have still gone into the diner and met you and kissed you and held you in my arms, promising to come home. And for that, I apologize, my dearest, but you gave me so much fullness and life and purpose that I can't help it. I love you Lenalee Lee, and no second chances can change that.
Lenalee gave a sad smile. She wouldn't have had it any other way either. Even if never meeting Lavi would have taken away some of the pain she felt now, Lenalee knew she would have had an empty place inside of her that she would never be able to fill. It would have been over the loss of a person she had never met, but was meant for.
I'm gone now, and I know that you might be sad because of it, but I need to tell you to not feel that way forever. I want you to do what I did while serving: I went on with life, missing you, but my love for you gave me the strength to live through another day. Please, do that for me. Live your life to the fullest, keep smiling that beautiful smile of yours. You have no idea how that smile is like a light of heaven in this dark and dismal world we live in.
Tears came of their own volition. Lavi's words were so beautiful, and so piercing. Lenalee felt like her heart was ripping to pieces just reading it, how much he cherished her.
Know that I love you, and always will love you. And with this knowledge, go on and do wonderful things in your life. I want you to be happy no matter what.
Smile, love. Smile for me, if nothing else.
Eternally yours,
Lavi Bookman
Inside the last page were a few photographs. One was of three men sitting outside playing cards. The one with the big smile and green eyes was Lavi. He looked different because his hair had been nearly shaved off, but it was still him. In his hand, he was showing the cameraman his full house with an excited countenance. Lenalee's lips tilted upwards slightly, her fingertips touching his face gently.
The next picture was of Lavi and Krory, both in full army gear, holding up their guns. They were standing in front of a sign that someone had hastily scribbled on the back of a folder "MANLY MEN". It almost made Lenalee laugh, seeing them like that. She could see the twinkle of amusement in Lavi's eyes despite his serious face.
The last picture, however, was a professional shot that the army took to give to the family to display on their wall at home. Despite the clearness of this shot, Lenalee didn't like it. Lavi looked too serious, and her attention was more drawn to a Polaroid that was behind it. It had been taken on a bus somewhere, probably the one that took Lavi to basic training. His hair was still long and he was smiling for the camera. In front of him, he held a scrap of paper that read "FOR MY GIRL". In the white beneath the picture, he had written: "when I was still pretty". That made Lenalee choke back another laugh. She was crying again.
Lavi was really gone. Gone for good and never coming back. She tried to smile like he asked her to do.
But she just couldn't.
And somewhere halfway around the world, the boy she grieved for was thrown back into his cell at a Vietnam prisoner camp, injured and starving, but very much alive.
"Don't worry, Lenalee. I'm not going to break my promise."
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Yeah. He's alive. There were more votes for his living than perishing, so I went along with what you asked for. Hope it was satisfactory; let me know with a review. Hugs are good, too. I like hugs.
Dhampir72