Hey everyone! So I had some family stuff come up but here is the long anticipated update to this story. (Since it's been so long, I only read through it once or twice so if there are any errors you see feel free to let me know)

Disclaimer: I still don't own TMNT (All of you are probably really happy about this lol).

-x-

Raphael paced the living room, growing increasingly irritated with his inability to formulate plans. His head was throbbing intensely, and squinting his eyes did little to alleviate the pain. He had returned home with Mikey and April nearly three hours ago. Guilt tore at him as he found himself remembering everything that had happened since their arrival.

-Flashback: 3 hours ago-

Raph was carrying April in his arms, being careful not to jostle her too much as Mikey kept an eye out for them. The hyperactive knucklehead was too jittery and jumpy for the task so Raph reluctantly let his brother serve as the scout for their miserably small return party.

In his tight hold, April groaned quietly with every jump and bump, causing Raph to utter an apologetic hiss, "Sorry, April. Master Splinter will take care of you." He berated himself for his hope that she would respond in some way, but the most response he ever got was the sound of the air leaving her body through her lips.

"We're here, bro," Mikey's hushed voice echoed in the sewer tunnels outside their home. His bright blue eyes were shining in the darkness, staring at him flatly. Raph tried not to notice that his baby brother's eyes glimmered with unshed tears, instead of the normal twinkling of joy or mischief.

Clenching his jaw, Raph silently fumed, 'Dammit! Don't look at me like that, Mikey! This is your fault, Leo! If only you hadn't been distracted…' He paused as he began to consider what had really gone on that evening. Leo may have been distracted, but the one who distracted him was… He nearly toppled over to the ground as a single and yet condemning thought took center stage in his consciousness. 'It's my fault.'

A chill crept down his spine as the accusation sunk in. 'It's my fault that Leo and Don…' The air left his lungs as the accusations weighed down on him, crushing him where he stood. Unable to bear the weight of it, he collapsed.

Mikey's alarmed cry echoed in the spacious sewer tunnel, "Raph! Bro! Are you okay?! Speak to me, man!"

Raph shook his head forlornly, whispering, "I'm so sorry, Mikey. It's all my fault that they're gone!" He truly was pathetic. He'd never be able to live up to Fearless. So much for his vow to protect Mikey from the harshness of the situation when he couldn't even pull himself together. Sure he acted tough earlier, but his anger had gotten away from him. Just like it always did.

A cold sweat beaded on Raph's face as he felt torn to ribbons before his baby brother. He cursed himself for being too cowardly to look his brother in the eyes and see the silent rage that would turn the bright blue orbs into a cold steel. He unintentionally tightened his grip on April, causing a disapproving groan to float up from between her tightly clenched lips.

At April's incoherent protest, Mikey snapped, "Pull yourself together, bro! You're hurting April!"

Raph flinched, burying his face in the comforting presence of April's hair. He didn't know why, but her warm scent caused his heart to slow, his mind cleared and he felt like he could do anything. Be anyone. He relaxed his iron grip, inhaling her essence as he breathed, "Sorry." She didn't respond, but her wordless protests ceased and she exhaled slowly as if in deep sleep.

There was a pause before Mikey sighed, "It's as much your fault as it is mine, Raphael."

Raph's attention was drawn immediately toward Mikey's hidden face, his eyes wide as he protested, "It's not your fault at all! Mikey, listen to me carefully. You were following orders! Even if they were stupid orders, Leo –"

"That's what I mean! You were following the exact same orders I was!"

Raph blinked as he felt the burning fury that scorched his soul as Mikey glared directly into him. He stammered, feeling his heart race with the adrenaline that was coursing through him, "M-mikey?"

Mikey blinked, his voice and expression softening as he calmed down, "Raph, if you blame yourself then you blame me, Donnie and Leo. It's not any of our faults. Besides," he fell onto his knees and crawled toward a silent Raph as he continued, "I can't save them alone."

Mikey reached Raph, burying his face into Raph's shoulder as tears spilled over the younger turtle's eyes. "Raph," he sniffled, "don't pull a Leo or Don and shoulder all the responsibility. Share it with me. Please. I need you. You're the only big brother I have left."

Raph's eyes stung with effort as he fought to keep from joining his baby brother in tears. He knew that his brother was really saying, "Please don't brood and abandon me." He leaned his head so that it rested atop Mikey's, his throat struggling to make noise against a huge lump that had formed. "Mikey," he finally managed to croak, "I promise."

The sniffling came to a stop as Mikey quietly asked, "Really?"

"Really," Raph promised, forcing a smile in order to reassure both himself and his vulnerable brother. He wasn't entirely sure who needed it more, but he allowed himself to revel in how his smile seemed to help Mikey relax. 'Brooding was more Fearless' and Donnie's thing anyway.'

Mikey suddenly squeezed tight, forcing the air out of Raph's lungs, and growled affectionately, "I'm gonna make sure you keep your promise bro."

Raph rolled his eyes and growled, "Yeah yeah. Whatever. Would I break a promise to you?"

Mikey flashed him a grin that didn't quite reach his eyes and teased, "Now are you absolutely sure that you can make it the rest of the way into the lair?"

Raph watched his brother silently, mildly irritated that the baby of the family was trying too hard to be normal. "Of course I can," he snorted in an attempt to make everything as close to normal as it could be when their world had been completely shattered beyond recognition. He had to at least match Mikey's level; he couldn't allow himself to be shown up by his baby brother.

Raph glanced down at April, feeling the same calming effect from earlier come over him. A small part of him wanted to smile at her, but it was shut down almost immediately by the part of him that chastised him for attempting to soothe himself when who knew what was happening to his brothers. Especially when one of them harbored feelings for the red headed girl who was still being held in his arms, close to his plastron and right near where his heart pounded. Suddenly aware of how long he had stared at her and of the fact he was not alone, he tore his gaze away and mumbled, "Go on ahead. I'll be right behind you."

At that Mikey's grin faded instantly, his blue eyes huge as saucers as he stared blankly at Raph. Tension filled the air between them before Raph realized just what he had done. The chaotic mess from earlier replayed through his mind as he remembered the last words he had heard Donnie say before… His mouth became dry and his skin felt clammy while he struggled to search for anything he could say to rectify the situation. He had screwed up, and he was trying to keep the promise he had just made, but he felt the familiar guilt start to settle in his stomach as if it were making itself a home.

Raph shut his eyes tight, not wanting to see the damage he had done to his brother's precarious emotional stability. 'What do I do? What can I do? Dammit Fearless! If you were here then…' His mind raced as he searched frantically within himself for the solution. He was no levelheaded leader; he was supposed to be the protector. He was the wall between his brothers and the enemy, not the one with the answers. And he especially was not the one who bulldozed right through his brothers' own fragile emotional barriers just when they were struggling to keep from crumbling.

After a pause that lasted way too long, Mikey let out a weak chuckle, "Heh. Of course you will. Alright then. I'll go on ahead."

Raph kept his eyes shut as he both heard and felt Mikey get up to leave. Just before he heard Mikey's footsteps reach the short set of stairs that marked the entrance, Raph decided to chance looking directly into Mikey's face. He felt his heart leap into his throat as he took in the defeated expression on his baby brother's face. Biting his lip he reminded himself that it was his fault that Mikey looked dead. His fault. He had really put his foot in his mouth this time.

"Do you want me to talk to Sensei about it, Raph?"

Raph flinched when Mikey asked him the question. He hadn't been expecting the shadow of his brother to speak to him let alone the fact that his tone was hollow. The emptiness was haunting and Raph cursed himself for screwing up. Swallowing the bitter taste of his own torment, Raph clung tight to April's sleeping figure like a lifeline and muttered, "No. I'll do it."

Mikey's head tilted to the side as he flatly asked, "Are you sure? I can talk to Sensei if you don't want to."

Shaking his head in refusal, Raph forced a thin grin and replied, "No. I'll tell him. After all, if Fearless can do it every time then it can't be that hard." He watched Mikey out the corner of his eye, trying to see if his miserable performance would have any impact on his depressed brother. A depressed Michelangelo was just wrong on all levels.

Raph didn't know whether to be pleased or disappointed when he saw that Mike's mood hadn't improved. He watched him go from inside the nearly silent tunnel, the only sound coming from April's hushed breathing. "This is the worst day ever," he sighed, taking care not to jostle April as he shakily rose to his feet.

Once he was fully standing, Raph made his way into the lair. He had a job to do. And since he had more or less epic failed with protecting his brothers, now he had to at least keep his promise to Donnie and Leo. To bring April back home where they could take care of her until it was safe for her to return to her home. He paused briefly at the thought and glanced down at her face, her bruises so much more obvious in the light of the lair. A hot fury began to come alive as his mind filled itself with the image, reigniting his desire to see Karai pay. With a huff he hurried toward the couch, eager to make her comfortable after being in his grasp for so long.

When he finally reached the couch, and after his comedic struggle to arrange a pillow so that April's head would rest on it, he found that a tiny part of him didn't want to let go of her. The whole way home she had served as his lifeline that kept him at least halfway focused on keeping his promises and distracting him from chasing after his brothers like he firmly wanted to. What if he let her go and he lost control of himself? What if he did end up running out of the sewers only to get captured which would leave Mikey alone? What if…

April stirred in his arms, pulling him out of his head. "Wow. What a way to pull a Leo," he scoffed. He had learned the hard way that leadership did not suit him the way it did his brother. Sure he had been jealous in the past, but it seemed to him that being leader only brought doubt and way too many brooding thoughts.

Giving her an impulsive squeeze that thoroughly surrounded him with her warm scent, Raph laid her softly down on the couch. Yet again, just her comforting presence was enough to clear his mind and allow him to come up with a simple game plan. He was going to talk to his father. He was going to rescue his brothers. He was going to rip Fearless a new one for giving such a ridiculous order. And to top it off he was going to pound Karai into the ground for causing all this trouble.

A thin grin formed on his face as he began to make his way to where Master Splinter would be meditating while he waited for the regular mission report. With every step he took, Raph could feel his heart pound more anxiously. After making it halfway there, he stopped and turned a glance over in April's direction. "Aw man," he groaned, pressing his palm to his face as he made a dash for the kitchen, "I'm such an idiot!"

When he reached the kitchen, he saw Mikey hard at work making some culinary disaster. Relief and anxiety warred within him. This either meant that Mike was somewhat back to normal or that he was really tense and wouldn't take kindly to being interrupted. A tight smile on his face, Raph hesitantly asked, "Mike, would you mind doing me a favor?"

Raph's smile brightened a bit when Mikey turned toward him and he saw that his brother looked a little more alive than he did when Raph last saw him. Raph had no clue whether Mikey was genuinely feeling better or not, but for the first time since their mishap earlier that evening there was a dim twinkle in those eyes. To Raph at least that seemed like an improvement.

Mikey tilted his head slightly; a small grin firmly plastered in place as he inquired, "What's up?"

Raph stiffened a small amount at the inquiry, hesitating for the briefest of moments before whispering, "Would you keep an eye on April for me? She's not waking up and…" His voice trailed off at the end, becoming fully aware of how his cheeks burned and the way Mikey was looking at him suspiciously.

Mikey looked thoughtful for a moment, his gaze scorching Raph's face before he gave a slight nod. "Sure thing," he stated calmly with his eyes still fixed on Raph.

"Thanks Mikey," Raph stated as he turned to leave the kitchen. He slightly regretted having rushed through asking the good-natured goofball to watch April for him. His heart started to drum heavily as he strode to where the dojo was. The hardest thing he'd have to do tonight was just ahead. 'Does Fearless always feel like this,' he thought as a cold sweat broke out on his forehead.

From behind him, Raph could hear Mikey whisper, "Good luck." He internally scoffed at the encouragement. He would need more than luck on his side for this. He would need to be brave, just like his Fearless Leader was for every report he had to make. Raph could see how antsy Leo would behave whenever something would happen on patrols or missions that had the potential to backfire when he eventually told Sensei. He never envied this, especially after he realized leadership wasn't his thing, but Leo was the perfect one. And as far as Raph was concerned, if Leo was nervous about reports, than Raph was doomed from the beginning.

When he reached the dojo entrance, he took a deep breath. Judging from the light and the shadows coming from underneath the door, Sensei was meditating. This was not the best of signs, and the realization caused Raph's heart to race even more. Master Splinter didn't like to be interrupted during meditation, and throughout the years they had all learned that it was wise to leave him be during these regular sessions. He wilted slightly, now he was definitely asking for trouble.

Raph turned around, his shoulders sagging in defeat, and saw Mikey watching him from the couch where April lay. Raph stiffened, his eyes narrowing into slits as he growled, "What do you want! Splinter's meditating! I'm not gonna interrupt him."

To Raph's surprise, Mikey shook his head and muttered, "It's nothing. I'm just wondering what Leo would do if it was us who was captured by the Foot."

Raph blinked, allowing the insinuation to sink in. As his gaze fell to the floor, Raph could feel his face warm under the scrutiny of his conscience and his baby brother. 'How pathetic! You're abandoning your brothers for the second time tonight? What the shell is the matter with you,' he heard his inner self antagonize him. His eyes burned even hotter than the rest of his face as he found he truly detested how cowardly he had become. They had a point! Leo wouldn't let the fact that Splinter was meditating stop him from doing what had to be done. And if that wasn't bad enough, he faltered in front of Mikey…and April.

He wasn't worthy of being a part of this family. He knew that he was the worst son. He'd never live up to Leo…and that was why he had to confront his fear of a lecture from a furious father. Few things in life were more frightening than Master Splinter's fury – especially when it was directed at him. Raph knew that he loved his father, but he constantly had doubts as to whether or not it was reciprocated. He always screwed up and was never good enough. But however Raph felt about his own standing, he knew without a doubt that Sensei always loved his brothers. A grim smile formed on his face as he mumbled under his breath, "Mikey can't get them back alone. The only way I can make it up for my failure is to bring Leo and Donnie back…even if it costs me my life."

Somehow, that helped Raph find it within himself to face the wrath he knew would be awaiting him on the other side of the door. It was all or nothing now. Gripping tightly to his courage he straightened up, turned around and knocked on the door.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

A hushed growl sounded from the closed dojo, "You are late, Leonardo."

A shiver rippled down Raph's spine as he heard the restrained anger that scorched his ears. Twiddling his fingers, Raph announced, "Master Splinter, I need to talk to you."

There was a tense pause between them, and Raph could hear his heartbeat count the time for him. Finally after about eight heartbeats, Splinter spoke, "What is it, Raphael?"

"May I come in?" Raph felt a twinge of irritation at how his body betrayed his feelings. He may be stubborn himself, but apparently his body was even more so because it just did not want to relax. Every muscle was tensed in readiness, his heart pounding against his chest, his forehead sweating bullets.

Another pause, this one much briefer than the last, passed before Sensei's cautious tone reached him, "Of course you may, my son."

Raph swallowed thickly, drawing in a deep breath as a final attempt to get his nerves under control. After silently counting to three, he made his way inside.

Upon entering, Raph noted that Splinter was facing the wall, his hands held behind his back as they usually were. A dark sense of foreboding formed in Raph's stomach as he walked toward the center of the room. That was Father's "serious" pose, and that almost always meant that someone was in trouble. Out of habit, Raph made a beeline for his spot on the mat and knelt down, his head lowered in respect for one's master.

Raph couldn't help but flinch just the tiniest amount when Sensei whirled around suddenly, his tail twitching while he asked, "What is it you want to tell me, Raphael?"

Raph lifted his gaze just enough to see Sensei's feet, the rest of his body completely frozen in place. The room felt cold to him, but he pushed the thought away and to the back of his mind. Now that he was here his throat felt tight and it hurt to swallow. But eventually he was able to get his voice to work and, although it was raspy, he managed to croak, "Master Splinter, a lot happened during our patrol today. While we were out we heard that Karai had captured April. We thought it would be best to retrieve her as soon as possible and although we were successful in rescuing April - "

THUD

Raph barely managed to keep from jumping when Sensei fell to his knees before him. Raph looked into his father's face, feeling miserable for how Sensei's horrified expression pierced him like an arrow. Raph's eyes widened as he noticed that Sensei looked like he'd been struck. The room became even colder, and Raph thought there was ice in his stomach for all the good it did him. Trying to keep from shivering, he asked in a shaky voice, "Sensei? Are you alright?"

The ice spread throughout Raph's body when Master Splinter suddenly placed his paws on Raph's shoulders and whispered, "Raphael…why are you the one telling me this? Where is Leonardo?"

If Raph ever felt horrible about anything he had ever done before in his life, this was easily ten times worse. He knew he had to say the words, but what would happen to Sensei if he did? Sensei looked like he'd crumble into a thousand pieces if he dared to utter another word.

'I can't save them alone.'

Raph gritted his teeth as Mikey's plea echoed in his mind. He'd have to have faith that, somehow, Master Splinter would pull through just like last time. Keeping his gaze focused anywhere other than Sensei's face, Raph whispered, "Leo and Donnie, they were captured by…Karai."

Raph wasn't too sure what he expected, but he braced himself for just about anything he could think of. Accusations. Guilt. Disappointment. Anger. Just about anything that could make him want to sneak back into his shell and just hide there for the rest of the day.

After several moments of deafening silence, Raph's morbid curiosity got the better of him and he chanced a glance into his father's face. What he found was that a huge variety of emotions flashed across Master Splinter's face so rapidly that Raph didn't know if they were really there or if they were just imagined. He saw a few that he had been expecting to see: anger, guilt, grief, disappointment and concern. But, for just the briefest of instances, Raph could've sworn he saw an emotion he had not been expecting.

Relief.

-x-

I'm sorry it took a while, but I appreciate everyone's patience with me. :D Let me know what you guys think (I love hearing from you)! Love you guys!

-Ariane