Chapter Four: Past Life
Watching in enticement as the flame on the candle danced about, she could feel the pangs of reality slowly emerging before her. Lying on her side on her bed, she pushed the thoughts away to avoid the pain. She concentrated on the flame for distraction. She noticed how it swayed and flickered, like a little heartbeat. At that moment she realized she could control that flame, make it do whatever she willed it to. She moved her arm straight out and pointed her index and middle finger at the flame. Raising her arm while her fingers pointed down at the flame, she lowered her arm again and flipped her hand so that her palm was facing up. From this motioning of her arm and fingers, the flame grew triple in size and grew so intensely hot that it turned bright blue. The small, orange flame it used to be was replaced by a torrent of blue fire.
She loved it. She loved having power over such a dangerous and unstable element. But she knew her lust for power was the cause for her current predicament. Drawing her arm back, she relinquished her control over the fire, and it dissipated back into an orange, dimming flame. She sighed and turned to lie on her back. She looked around and felt a sinking feeling in her stomach.
Even though she had the guards terrified into obedience, she was still in prison. And for the first time since her incineration, she knew she belonged there. After the water tribe girl's last visit, she was learning to live in reality, as depressing as it was. And the reality was that she was lost.
"Princess Azula, you have a visitor," a guard said from behind the metal door to her cell. The door flung open and in walked the girl. She had a smile on her face. She couldn't help but roll her eyes. Who smiles in a prison? She thought.
"Hi, Azula," the girl said cheerfully.
"Hi," she returned quickly and indifferently.
"So, how are you?" the girl asked with earnestly.
"Bleak," she answered bluntly.
"Oh. Well, at least you're feeling things," the girl returned. An awkward silence ensued.
"So…if you don't mind, today, I'd like to dig a bit deeper," the girl said confidently.
"Oh joy. Deeper how?" she asked sarcastically.
"This may be a bit intrusive, but I'd like to hear about your life. Your childhood, your past. You know, stuff like that," the girl suggested with courage. She began laughing at the request.
"Surely you're joking," she giggled.
"Why?" the girl asked, sounding hurt.
"I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm not exactly an open book. I don't just go around, telling my life story," she informed with sharp wit.
"Please, Azula, I think it could help. Help me help you," the girl asked insistently.
"You can stop right there. You're not a doctor, so go play doctor with someone else," she exclaimed.
"Come on, Azula! You can trust me!" the girl stated with a tone of kindness.
"Trust? Trust is useless and unreliable," she replied with resolve.
"This is why we need to talk about your past. Things like your trust issues stem from your childhood. If you want to change and adapt for the better, you need to deal with what you are and who you were first," the girl explained with intelligence. She took a moment to gather and understand the girl's words, and found them to be wise.
"I guess…you could be right…" she said, trying to get past her pride. She thought for a moment, and grimaced. The girl only smiled brightly.
"What part of my life did you have in mind?" she interrogated with hesitation.
"Let's just work our way up. How about starting with your childhood," the girl stated as she put her hair behind her ear.
"My childhood…wow. Now that I think about it, it almost seems like a past life," she started as she let the memories begin to flow.
"I was born about two years after Zuko. I guess he saw me as an uninvited interruption in his life and treated me accordingly. Father wasn't particularly excited upon my birth, either. He didn't want another child, especially a girl. So, for the first few years of my life, my mother was my salvation. But I was in constant competition with Zuko for her attention. I quickly started to resent my brother," she revealed as she stared at the floor. The girl listened attentively as she told her tale.
"It's funny. I don't really remember my father during those years. He was just this enigmatic figure that I desperately wanted to know. There was just something about the power, the dominance, the regality that he exuded that I found so compelling. I remember when I first saw him firebend. It was some kind of honor party for my grandfather, Fire Lord Azulon. Father was to exhibit his skills to entertain him. I was maybe about four at the time. It was amazing. I remember it all. The pillars of brilliant fire, the loud, thunderous explosion of the lightning. It was breathtaking. I remember the round of applause from the audience, the adoration. At that moment, I realized that I wanted to be just like him," she explained through a smile. The girl only furrowed her brows, a bit disgusted by the thought of anyone wanting to be like Ozai. But the girl continued to listen, intrigued.
"I began to emulate him, subtly of course, starting with Zuko. I noticed how father didn't let anyone tell him no or push him around. So I should do the same. When Zuko tried to push me around, I pushed back even harder. It's odd, isn't it? That Zuko was the bully, and not me?" she inquired humorously.
The girl smiled, albeit half-heartedly.
"I guess so, yeah," the girl returned with a questioning tone. She smiled slightly at the girl, but turned quickly and looked once again at the floor. She could feel her hair fall over her face.
"I started sneaking away from my mother's watchful eye to see my father in action. I popped in during his war meetings, his late night conversations with grandfather, and his firebending sessions. One night he finally caught me. I thought for sure he would punish me. Instead, he gave me a lesson. I learned some basic firebending forms, breathing exercises, things like that. It wasn't anything amazing or advanced, but I was enraptured," she told the girl as she smiled brightly.
"I know exactly what you mean. I felt the same way when I started waterbending with Master Paku. The first lesson is always the best" the girl returned with joy. She nodded in agreement.
"After the lesson, I remember father praising me, telling me I was a natural talent. I remember the pride illuminating in his eyes. You could say it was our first bonding experience," she said as she smoothed her hair over her left shoulder with her hands. The girl shook her head, feeling sorry that her most memorable bonding experience was with someone as evil as Ozai.
"After that night, my father tried to convince my mother to let me start firebending. She was very hesitant, claiming I was too young. She finally gave in, obviously. The night before I would meet my firebending master, I couldn't sleep at all. I was too excited to even sit still. The morning couldn't come fast enough. My father had arranged for me to be taught by the man who taught him, Master Kaizu. It was an overwhelming honor. Even Zuko, my older brother, didn't have the privilege to be trained by someone of such high regard. His master was Uncle," she said as she rolled her eyes in disgust.
"I never really liked Uncle Iroh. He was the total opposite of father, which to me would be comparable to being a disgrace. His royal, tea-loving kookiness was too peaceful and humble for me, not proud and domineering like father. Ah, but I digress," she said, waving her hand through her hair, causing it to fly up. The girl didn't appreciate what she said about Iroh, a man the girl personally found to be a man of great honor and wisdom.
"Master Kaizu was the most amazing bender I had ever seen, more so than father. His talent was unquestionable, and he and I became very close. He was like a second uncle, really. But non the less, he was quick-tempered, aggressive, and demanding, very much like myself. That's probably why we got along so well. Father would sometimes watch Kaizu and I practice, and when I would make a mistake, he would scold me heavily. To me, seeing the disappointment drawn upon his face and his frustration caused by me was more than I could bear. I didn't want to falter my father's pride in me, so I made sure I did everything perfectly. Everything," she said, as her face turned from an expression of happiness to sadness. The girl didn't know how to respond to what she had revealed.
"I quickly began to exceed my brother. By then, I had broken him in, and I was the one who was in control. Whenever I would bring him down, he would run and cry to mother. It was pathetic, actually. Mother became aware of how I was treating Zuko, and would hover over him to protect him from me, which meant Zuko got to have mother's affections even more. Well at that point I didn't care. Zuko could go ahead and have mother. It didn't matter. Mother didn't love me anyway," she continued in a state of melancholy. The girl could see the hurt on her face. Because she was usually so self-assured and confident in who she was, the girl was surprised to see how much the opinion of one person had affected her.
"I remember when my father and mother began to fight about me. I listened through the door to my Mother and Father's room. Mother said I was out of control, and that father should stop encouraging my behavior. Father naturally disagreed. He said that I was perfect. My heart swelled with so much pride upon hearing that. My mother disagreed, and said I wasn't perfect, I was a monster. As far as I could recall, that was the first time in my entire life that I cried," she said as a tear began to run down her cheek. She quickly wiped it away before she began crying right then.
"The next day, while I was training with Master Kaizu, I remember that I was distracted, the words I had heard the night before still running through my mind. My father noticed how poorly I was doing, and began to yell at me, telling me to shape up and focus. I tried, but I just couldn't. He interrupted the lesson and took me for a walk in the Fire Lilly fields. He asked me what was wrong, and I began to cry as I told him. He paused for a moment. I think it was the first time in his life he was at a loss for words. He bent down and grabbed my shoulders. He said with a stern face that mother didn't know what she was talking about. He stared into my eyes for the longest time. Finally, he spoke, and said that I was the perfect little girl. He got back up on his feet and told me to stop crying, that the strong don't cry. I wiped my tears away and stopped my crying as best I could. We walked in silence for a while before I stopped him. I hugged him, and I told him that I would be perfect for him. He didn't hug me back," she said with a blank expression on her face. There was a long silence before she began to speak again.
"Zuko started noticing how much attention and praise I was getting from father. It was clear that he was becoming jealous. Zuko being the jealous one for once made me feel invincible. I began flaunting father's affections in Zuko's face. You see, father never really took an interest in Zuko, especially since it seemed he failed everything he tried to accomplish. It was some kind of torture for him to see father and I bonding in a way he never could. But by then, he practically had mother to himself. Mother and I hardly saw eye to eye on things, anyway, and she scolded me regularly. But the only words I would listen to were my father's," she said as the girl adjusted as sat on her bottom instead of her knees.
"When I was six years old, mother and father enrolled me in the Royal Fire Academy for girls. I remember how the other girls worshipped and followed my every order, just because they were afraid I could get Fire Lord Azulon to put them in prison. I was practically the Fire Lord in that school. I remember the day I met Ty Lee and Mai. It was after school, and all the girls went out to go play hide and explode. Ty Lee and Mai were on my team, and we conquered that game. The other girls didn't stand a chance. We became the best of friends since. That is of course until recently, but that doesn't matter now," she said, pretending not to care while talking about her former friends.
"When I was about seven, Uncle Iroh went to war to conquer Ba Sing Se. Because of this, Zuko no longer had a firebending master. Father arranged for Kaizu to teach Zuko in Uncle's absence. I was outraged. Kaizu was my master, mine! I was the only one honorable enough to be trained by Father's teacher! Zuko did not deserve the right in the slightest. But father's word was final, and I had to accept it. Upon Zuko's first day, I noticed how poorly skilled Zuko was. I was immensely ahead of Zuko. Father and Kaizu noticed this, too. I remember the day Kaizu had Zuko and I spar. I beat Zuko easily. In response to the spar, father told Kaizu right in front of Zuko that I was just born lucky, and he was lucky to be born. I loved hearing father say that, but it hurt Zuko deeply, which made me even happier. But then my mind began to storm with thoughts. Iroh must not be such a great firebender himself if that was the best he could do with Zuko. It became obvious at that point that father would make a greater Fire Lord than Uncle. The Fire Lord had to be a firebending master, after all, so the right to throne should have belonged to the greater firebender, not automatically to the first born." she said as she began to express a devilish look on her face.
"I told my father my thoughts on Iroh. My father laughed quite loudly in response. He told me that he has been thinking the exact same thing. Father began describing every plausible reason he should be Fire Lord, and the more he talked about it, the more it made sense. Father was more decisive and commanding than Iroh, more powerful and attentive than Iroh, and had greater vision and aspirations for the Fire Nation than Iroh ever would. I told father that he would make an excellent Fire Lord, and as he smiled, he told me that I would make the perfect little princess. I thought about what he said, and after that point, I became resolved to be Princess of the Fire Nation," she said as she got up off the bed and began pacing back and forth.
"I began to sharpen my mind. I studied up on the war, the history of the Fire Nation, and sneaked into more war meetings to note how to be a successful leader by listening to how the Generals won their battles. I also sharpened my body, and practiced my firebending every day, along with gymnastics and various other martial arts. The more I excelled, the prouder my father became. My mother became concerned, but I didn't bother to listen to her worries. But as it turns out, my mother wouldn't be a problem for long," she said as she stopped her pacing and leaned on the bed.
"When I was eight, close to turning nine, mother received a letter from Iroh, saying that he was coming home and that Lu Ten, his son, had died in the battle at Ba Sing Se. I honestly didn't care. I was never close to Lu Ten. He was never really interested in my side of the family, so we never saw each other, and when we did, it made for brief, awkward conversation. Father took Lu Ten's death as an opportunity. After the palace's period of mourning, father scheduled a family meeting with Fire Lord Azulon. I had to perform for the old bag, which I wasn't really interested in doing, but I took it as another chance to upstage Zuko, so I became more than happy to entertain him. After my performance, I remember father saying I was a prodigy. Zuko just had to be dramatic and try to prove his worth by demonstrating his firebending. He only embarrassed himself, but mother ran over to him and coddled him, as usual," she said with a look of annoyance on her face. The girl was somewhat awed by the life she was revealing.
"Fire Lord Azulon's patience had run its course, so he dismissed us so he could talk to father in private. Zuko and I didn't leave, we just hid behind a curtain to hear the conversation. Based on the past conversations I eavesdropped on between father and grandpa, and I could tell that they didn't really like each other. But this conversation beat them all. Father proposed that grandpa give him to right to throne, as Iroh's bloodline had ended with Lu Ten, and with no heir, he wasn't fit to be Fire Lord. Grandpa became enraged by the thought of betraying Iroh. Zuko ran away to mother before the conversation got interesting, but for his own sake he should have stayed. Grandpa said that father must know the pain of losing a firstborn by killing Zuko," she explained as the girl gasped.
"Father bowed and said he would do as grandpa wished. I took this as the chance to mess with Zuko again, so I went into his room and told him about the conversation. He didn't believe me, and I didn't care. Little love developed between Zuko and I, as you can see, so his presence wouldn't really be that missed to me. But things didn't turn out as planned. I woke up early the next day to find mother missing and the palace abuzz. I went to go see father and asked him what happened. He revealed that mother had been banished, and that grandpa had passed away. It wouldn't be until years later that I would learn what had really happened, but all I needed to know then was that grandpa's last will was to appoint father as Fire Lord. Father's coronation was one of the happiest days of my life. That day, I became Crown Princess Azula," she revealed as she stood straight up and stared at the wall.
"The years after that were pure bliss. With no mother to hold me back, I was able to fully realize my potential. When I was eleven, Zuko was exiled after disgracing father in a war meeting. Father than appointed me as his heir. He told me that being a second born himself, he understood the struggles I've gone through, and said that I had earned my right to the throne a long time ago. Father took me personally under his wing, and I couldn't have been happier. But even then I felt heartache. Master Kaizu was most likely the only firebender alive who could generate blue flame, and he passed on the secret to me when I turned twelve. I remember how amazed and impressed father was, and how proud Kaizu was. But shortly after that, Master Kaizu passed away in his sleep. I had never been so sad in my entire life. But father filled the gap and he became my new Firebending Master. He taught me how to be ruthless and strategic, and to strike down my opponent first and not hold back. He even taught me to create lightning. When I turned thirteen, he deemed me a Firebending Master," she said as she smiled and sat back on the bed.
"A year later, after the Siege of the North, Father sent me away to capture Zuko and Uncle, and you pretty much know the rest of the story," she said as she turned and faced the girl. They just stared at each other for a time before the girl spoke.
"Azula, wow. I had no idea…that was some story," the girl said as she smiled slightly. She didn't smile back.
"So, did you learn anything, or was this all pointless like I originally thought it would be?" she asked sarcastically.
"Yes, actually, I did," the girl said as she stood up.
"Really? And what did we learn today?" she asked with sharp cynicism.
"I understand your trust and perfection problems. You experienced little love in your childhood from both your mother and brother, and your father only dispensed praise and affection as long as you did things his way perfectly, so you developed into a perfectionist. And because your mother, your world, was stolen from you at an early age, and because your father's love was so conditional, you learned not to be dependant on people, which eventually shaped into a fear of dependence and an inability to trust people," the girl explained with a tone of pity.
She sat on her bed and hugged her knees. She thought about her life, and realized that the girl had made a valid conclusion.
"It's not that I have a fear of dependence, it's just that I can't depend on people. I can only depend on myself. And even if that were somehow a problem, I wouldn't even know how to fix it. Independence just comes too naturally to me," she stated in agitation.
The girl walked over and sat down next to her.
"Well, I never said it was going to be easy to change," she said through a smile. She just looked at the girl, then quickly looked away.
"But don't worry. We can fix it together," the girl finished, sounding hopeful. She didn't respond to the girl, but cracked a slight smile. She could feel that things were starting to look up.