Disclaimer: I don't own the Suite Life Series or any of it's characters. Nor do I own Chester See or any of his songs.
Warnings: One-sided Twincest and slight angst.
x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x
"Forgive me
I may have said things
That aren't exactly
The way that I feel."
Zack sighed as he headed back to his room. He'd just told Cody how he felt and he'd rejected him. Told him he loved him but just as a brother does. As a twin does. It wasn't like Zack expected anything to come of it but he'd just hoped for something a little more. He sighed again as he unlocked the door and sat down on his bed, playing the conversation in his head again.
~ "Cody, can I talk to you?" a nervous Zack had asked. Cody moved from his place folding towels and stood by Zack, "Of course. What's wrong?" Zack grabbed Cody's hand and moved them both into a corner on the boat. It was a cold and drab day and not many people were on the skydeck because of that. Zack silently thanked the skies for it. It'd make what he was about to say a little bit easier. "Cody, we've been through a lot together, right? I mean Mom and Dad's divorce, losing our house and moving to the hotel and now this ship..." Zack was trying to stall and find the right words at the same time. "Of course we have Zack. What's this all about?" Cody asked concern evident from the look he was giving. Zack sighed and ran a nervous hand through his hair. "Cody, I have something to tell you and I don't know how to say it but...I love you." "I love you to-" Zack cut Cody off in a huff, "No I mean I LOVE you. Like I'm IN love with you and I've never felt this way before and I never put myself out there like this but I just...I can't keep it in anymore and I just...you're my brother and I knew you'd understand more than anyone else but I mean how could you understand this? And yeah I mean it's crazy but I just...I had to let you know and..." Zack stopped his rambling, out of breath and looked up at an opened mouth Cody. "Cody please?" Zack asked his heart thumping loudly, though he wasn't sure what he was asking. To say something? To not hate him? To love him back? He wasn't sure. He just couldn't take the silence anymore. Finally Cody broke the silence with a sharp intake of air. "Zack, I can't. We're brothers." And just like that Zack's heart shattered. "I know but -" "No Zack. I love you. I do. But only like a brother. Like a twin. I can't and surely you know you can't either..." Sure Zack had known it'd be tough for them but he was willing to give it all up for Cody. Everything. Everyone. He just needed Cody. Cody looked over at the tears forming behind Zack's eyes. He hadn't seen Zack cry since they were five and he'd broken his foot playing basketball. "Zack, I'm sorry." And he meant it. He really did. He wished so much that he could help his brother. Do anything to help ease his pain but he just didn't feel the same. I mean it was incest after-all. Zack just nodded his head, his arms crossed in front of his chest as if to block himself off from anymore pain. He couldn't say anything for fear the tears he was holding back would spill down his face. Cody sighed and patted his brother on the shoulder. "It's okay Zack. We'll get through it. I promise." He said as he walked off still in shock from the whole ordeal. He needed to clear his head. At the feel of Cody's hand on his shoulder and the promise of his words Zack sank down and began to sob. He didn't want to "get through it". He just wanted Cody to feel the same. He was still in the corner and he just wished the walls would cave in on him. Swallow him whole. Take him anywhere but there. Something to help the ache in his chest. ~
A few moments later Zack heard a knock on his bedroom door effectively pulling him out of his trance. He wiped at the tears that had begun forming once more. Looking through the peephole he could see that it was Cody. Sighing he opened the door and walked back to his bed, not even bothering to look at him. He laid down on his side facing away from his brother doing anything not to have to look at the boy that broke his heart. Cody looked at his twin and began to chew on his lip. He hated hurting him like this. He only wanted to be there for his brother when things like this happened. Not be the reason for it."Zack we need to talk" He said finally. "I know." Zack mumbled softly. He knew they'd have to eventually he just wasn't sure if he was ready yet. "Zack, listen. We can't be anything more than brothers. We just can't. I don't feel for you in that way and deep down I know you can't possibly want a relationship with me. I mean we're brothers. Twins. It'd be weird. People would talk and it'd just be a mess and..." Zack chocked back the tears that were wanting to fall again, "Cody just stop. Please." Zack let out a few sobs and Cody sat down next to him in bed. Rubbing his shoulder. Zack sat up after a minute, finally looking at him, "It's okay, Cody. I understand. I know it's weird and I couldn't ask you to possibly understand it. I'll be okay. It's fine." Zack let out a half hearted smile and laid back down. "Just go, please." Cody got up off of the bed and began to chew on his lip again. He was concerned but he knew in time they'd move on and that they'd be okay again.
x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x
2 months later:
x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x
"I told you I'd be strong
I said that I'd moved on
But it doesn't take long
To realize
That I'm not over you."
Standing on the balcony of the ship Zack watched from above as Cody pulled out Bailey's chair. The two were quickly becoming inseparable and it made Zack sick. Sure they had agreed that the two of them couldn't be together and that they'd both move on, it didn't mean he had to like it though. The opposite infact. After he'd talked to Cody and been rejected it made him hate any girl that got close to him that much more. He'd wished so much that Cody would have accepted him and that they'd be the ones making kissy-face over lunch. Zack sighed and looked down at his hands, he knew deep down it'd never be that way though. He'd never be the one his brother wanted. He knew he'd eventually have to accept it but how do you accept the fact that the only one who makes you whole is the one that tore you into pieces? Zack turned away from the couple and began to walk away aimlessly. He couldn't watch them anymore. He couldn't bare the site of him with her. He was talking to a girl now too, Macy? Maizey? Maya? Something like that. He didn't really care all that much honestly. He just didn't wanna be alone. Not when the one he wanted was off holding someone else. Zack wondered what was so special about Bailey anyway? Was it her hair? Her skin? Her accent? He hated Bailey so much for getting close to his brother. For getting the person he wanted more than anything. He wanted them to break up. Needed them too. He needed to be the one who got to hold Cody. The one who got to comfort him when he was sad. To kiss him when he needed it. To make love to him under the stars. I mean Cody can't possibly be happy with her, right? But the fact of the matter is that Cody was happy. And Zack knew that. She's pretty, smart, funny and most of all she's normal. Cody needed normal, Zack knew that. And he deserved it. Zack sighed and let out a groan. He felt guilty at his previous thoughts. He just wanted Cody happy. Even if it made it hurt that much more.
"But if there is somebody that makes you feel happy
Tends to your heart in the ways I'd been lacking
Then who am I who am I to stand in your way?
To stand in your way
To stand in your way
I wont stand in your way."
x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x
12 months later:
x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x
This day could have been seen as any other, a hot, smug summer day but it wasn't. No not at all. Today was graduation. The day Cody had been dreaming about all his life. The day Zack dreaded. Cody and Bailey had applied for the same school and of course had gotten in. Together. Zack scoffed at the thought. They would be sharing an off campus apartment and that just made it worse. Cody had been with her for a year and a half now and Zack knew it was serious. She wasn't like all of the other girls to his brother. No. She was special. It honestly scared him. I mean sure Cody and him had reconciled their differences and had gone back to all but normal, at least on the outside, but for him it was all show. Deep in his heart he still wanted Cody more than anything. He would never stand in the way of his happiness though. He couldn't do that to him. He loved Bailey and had worked hard to get into the school of his dreams. He was proud of Cody and he knew Cody was proud of himself. He'd be leaving for school in the early fall a thought which brought an unmeasurable amount of sadness to Zack. It was gonna be the first time in their lives that they wouldn't be together. The first time they'd be miles apart. Zack hadn't been accept to any major college. I mean of course he hadn't. He'd never applied himself to school like he should have. Like Cody had. He was going to be taking a year off to find himself and then maybe he'd start community college next year. He wasn't sure. He was sure however that when Miss Tutweiller called his name to come collect his graduation certificate that he saw nothing but pure pride in his brother's eyes. And that made him happier and made him feel better than anything had in a long time.
Cody knocked on Zack's door after graduation, proud of his brother's accomplishment. Zack answered with a smile, "Way to go, dude! Valedictorian! I knew you'd make it!" "Thanks, Zack. And congratulations on passing high school! No one ever thought you'd make it." Cody said with a snicker. Zack just looked at him with a smirk on his face. Suddenly Cody frowned and looked at him with intense eyes, he sighed. "Zack?" Zack stood up from where he'd been packing, "Yeah?" "I'm gonna miss you, you know that right?" Zack sighed, "Yeah, I do." "And you know I love you, right?" Zack furrowed his brow, "Yeah Cody, I love you too." Cody nodded his head and patted Zack on the back. "Look at us, a couple of High School graduates with the whole world in front of us!" Zack couldn't help but smile at Cody's words. "I know. You're off to college and I'll be off somewhere trying new things." Zack sighed as the words left him. He wanted so much for Cody to just go with him. Cody seemed to sense Zack's disappointment and pushed at him slightly. "Hey, it's okay. We'll meet up during holidays. You, me, mom, Bailey-" Zack didn't let him finish and pushed away suddenly, almost causing Cody to fall. "Yeah, maybe. I dunno if I'll be home for the holidays. I'll probably be doing...something." Zack couldn't come up with a good excuse on the spot but the last thing he wanted to do was talk about her or be near her on holidays. Those we're supposed to be about them. Together. Not her.
Cody gave his brother a confused look, "What do you mean you wont be home for the holidays?!" Cody was almost shouting when he asked but he was seriously confused, what could be more important than being with family? "I just mean I might not be there." Zack deadpanned. "What do you care anyway? You'll be too busy with her to notice me." Cody gave off an unamused laugh. "So that's what this is about? Your stupid crush on me?" Cody was practically screaming now. "Oh yes Cody this is all about some stupid fucking crush. It couldn't possibly be about anything more!" Zack was yelling now too. "Well you're acting like a baby! I'm sorry, I'm not into incest but I'm not a FREAK!" Cody felt bad as soon as he said it. Zack's face immediately changed. He wasn't mad anymore. Just hurt. "Zack, I-" Cody tried to take it back but it was too late, Zack grabbed his now packed bags and left the room. Cody sat down on Zack's old bed and sighed. He'd fucked up and now he didn't know when he'd get a chance to say he was sorry.
"I know it sounds crazy
But I need you to trust me
If it's how it must be
Then I'll fade away."
Zack had said goodbye to his mother and left that night. Not bothering to stay for the after-party or even bothering to wait for Cody to come down. He needed out of there. Needed away. And so he drove. And drove. And drove before finally coming to a stop at a rest area nearly 50 miles from where he had first started. He began smacking the steering wheel, hot tears coming down his face. Cody was right. Why did he have to be such a freak? Why did he have to want his brother in that way? Why couldn't he be normal? He'd always been the fuck up and this was all just more proof. He wiped at his eyes and pulled out of the parking lot. He needed to keep going. Needed to erase the words from his mind. Freak. It was well into the morning and he had gone another 20 miles before he decided he couldn't drive anymore and had to pull over. He checked in at the closest hotel he could find, ironically a Tipton. It looked a lot like the room they had had when they were children...except Cody wasn't there. Zack sighed and fell into bed with a thud an empty feeling in the pit of his stomach settling in. He looked over at the duffel bag he'd brought in and opened up the front pocket, grabbing his phone from inside. The screen read: "You have 29 missed calls", he sighed. All from Cody. Zack grumbled and threw his phone across the room. He quickly fell into an uneasy sleep after that. Cody felt awful. Zack had left before he had had a chance to apologize and now he wouldn't answer his phone. He'd really fucked up this time and he knew it. His brother just wanted accepted and he'd not only rejected him all over again but he'd really hurt him this time. He shouldn't have done it he knew. He just wanted them to both go back to the way it was before all of this happened. He wanted them to go back to being brothers again. Twins. Best friends.
x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x
Christmas morning a year later:
x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x
"Where my hoes at?" Zack shouted as he busted through his mom's door. Carey screamed and ran up to hug him, "Zack! We've missed you!" She was overjoyed to see her son again and nearly choked him with her hug. "Oof, mom. .Breath." Carey let go with happy tears in her eyes, "I've just missed you is all." Zack smiled, "I know. I've missed you too." Carey rubbed Zack's cheeks and went to the kitchen to get some cocoa. Cody was standing in the doorway looking at him. Zack felt awkward, "Heh, Cody. Stop looking at me like that or someone might get the wrong impression..." Zack said on an awkward laugh trying to defuse the situation though it honestly still hurt him and he still heard the word freak echoing through his mind. Cody gave a half hearted laugh and walked up and hugged his twin tight. It'd been over a year since he'd last seen his twin. It felt wrong being away for that long. "Hey Zack, listen I'm sorry abou-" Zack cut him off with a wave of his hand, "Don't even worry about it. Water under the bridge, my friend." Zack put his arm around Cody's shoulder and they walked into the living room together. He was content for the first time in months. That was until he walked into the living room and saw her sitting there. Zack sat down on the floor in front of the coffee table they'd all gathered around. Carey was asking him questions about his journey but he was only half heartedly listening. He couldn't help but watch them together. Cody's arm around her on the couch. Him pushing the hair away from her eyes. He couldn't bare it. How could they be so happy when inside, just a few feet away, he wanted to die?
Dinner went by without much incident. Zack had made sure not to sit near the "happy couple" and instead chose a seat next to his mother. All was going well until Cody decided to make an announcement after dessert proclaiming his love for Bailey. He just kept going on and on and of course Bailey was doing that annoying fucking laugh and blush and Zack just wanted to puke. And then it happened. Right in front of him. Cody did it. He proposed and Zack's world came tumbling down around him. Everything he'd worked for, all of the emotion he had thrown down came bubbling back up. And he honestly felt sick. Like he was going to vomit. He needed to get out of there. He heard her scream "Yes of course!" as he opened the sliding glass door to the balcony and stepped outside. He just needed some air. His throat hurt as the cold air hit his lungs. Marriage. She did it. She finally had him. Had everything. He was happy for his brother. He truly was. But Goddamn did he wish it was him Cody was happy with. It was no shock when his brother came out and stood next to him just a moment later. "Hey" Cody said, his voice soft, "Are you okay?" Zack looked down at the street below him, the snow had lain a gentle layer all over the city and if he hadn't been so heartbroken he'd honestly say it was beautiful. "Yeah I'm okay. Congratulations." he said half heartedly. Cody kicked the snow out from under his feet, "Thanks. Look I'm sorry to do it in front of you like this I've just been planning it for awhile now and..." Cody trailed off his words and Zack pretended like that didn't make it even worse with an "It's okay. I'm glad I was here to see it." He wasn't though. Not at all. "I'm glad you were too." Cody said and a silence over took the pair and they just stood there watching the street light as it flickered. It was gonna be a long new year.
"When it finally feels true
Do what you have to
Cause I'll never blame you
For not choosing me
But I'm not over you.
But if there is somebody that makes you feel happy
Tends to your heart in the ways I've been lacking
Then who am I? who am I to stand in your way?"
Boy was Zack right. It'd already been the longest year of his life and it was only June. He'd decided to stay home for the time being to help Cody with the wedding. As much as it killed him inside to do so Cody had come to him that night and asked and well, even with his heart shattered, he couldn't tell his brother no. Especially when he'd asked him with such sincerity in his voice. No, he'd suffer through it just to see his brother happy. And happy he was. They were currently picking the tux for him to wear. Zack was waiting awkwardly as his brother dress in the room in front of him. He couldn't help but imagine what it'd be like. What it'd be like to be the one standing at the alter as Cody walked down. The one who got to put that ring on his finger. The one Cody loved. Just then Zack was pulled out of his thoughts when his twin opened the dressing room door. He was stunned. Cody walked out wearing a black tux, black vest, white shirt and black tie. He looked absolutely stunning. Zack couldn't help but gulp when Cody asked him how he looked, "You look...wow. You look good bro." Zack couldn't take his eyes off his brother's nervous form, "Do you think Bailey will like it?" Zack's eyes shot up to his brothers face and he internally punched himself for staring so long, "Of course she will. You look awesome." Zack gave a half hearted smile. "Awesome? Awesome? No, no, no. I need to look more than awesome! Oh God she's not gonna like it!" Cody was nearly hyperventilating and Zack grabbed his shoulder and forced him to look at him, "Cody. Stop. She's gonna love it. You look great. It's...perfect." Cody looked into his brothers eyes and could tell he meant it. "Thanks, Zack...I'm just a little nervous I guess." Zack laughed, "A little?" Cody smiled back, "Okay a LOT." Zack nodded his head, "Yeah, I'd say so. Now go on and change, I'm ready to eat!" Cody shook his head with a smile, "You're always ready to eat." Zack laughed, "That I am, brother. That I am."
Later that evening while back in their mom's flat Zack rubbed his head. He'd spent the entire day with Cody and he was beyond thrilled. He missed being able to do this with his twin. He really did. He'd give almost anything to be able to just turn back time and go back to when they were kids living in at the Tipton hotel, pranking Moseby and dry cleaning their underwear. He laughed at the thought, "What?" Cody asked him from across the room, a curious look on his face. "Oh nothing. I was just thinking back to when we were kids." Cody smiled, "You too? I've been thinking about that a lot lately. I can't believe how much has changed." Zack nodded in agreement, "I know." Just then Bailey walked in from the kitchen. Her and Carey had went to pick out the floral arrangements earlier that day and she was eager to show Cody her pick. "Look, Hunny!" Zack grimaced when he saw them. "Oh there's...corn in them. How...lovely." Cody mumbled. "Oh I just knew you'd love them!" Bailey hugged Cody tight before jumping up off the couch and going back into the kitchen. Zack immediately looked at Cody but before he could say anything Cody interrupted "Don't" and put his head in his hands. Zack couldn't help but laugh at his brother's agony. "Better you than me. Better you than me." Cody and Zack both laughed and it warmed Zack's heart to hear it. He loved Cody and if this is what made him happy, so be it. He'd be here for him every step of the way. Even if it meant his own happiness would be forever gone.
"The that I feel is no longer your burden
If there is someone that makes you feel perfect
Then who am I who am I to stand in your way?
To stand in your way
To stand in your way
I wont stand in your way."
It seemed like such a normal morning fall morning. The wind was blowing, the sky cloudy but beautiful, the air fresh with the smell of leaves. It was supposed to be a wondrous and happy day but it wasn't, it was September 25th. September 25th, the day his brother was to be married. September 25th. The day his heart was officially gonna break beyond repair. Zack sighed, it was the day of Cody and Bailey's wedding. He was best-man and so had the rings and was turning them over and over between his fingers. In less than an hour his baby brother, his twin, his love would be married. It was crazy thinking about it. In the last year he'd completely put his life on hold to be by Cody's side. To make sure he got his happy ending. Even though he may never get his. Cody had been nervous all day. He was freaking out but Zack knew how happy his brother was and that's all that mattered, right? Zack sighed for what felt like the millionth time that day. He hated this. Cody belonged to him. Was his. Zack needed him. Needed him more than anything. And here he was making a commitment under God and in-front of all of their family and friends to someone else. Zack shook his head trying to clear it. He couldn't let it get to him. Not today. No, today he needed to strong for Cody. Cody deserved to have the best wedding possible and the last thing he needed was for Zack to mess it up for him. Just then Carey came into the room and announced that it was time for him to stand at the alter. Behind Cody. Behind the boy he loved. Zack watched as Bailey walked down the aisle. Watched as they recited their vows to one another. Watched as they put the rings on their fingers and even kept quiet when the priest asked if anyone objected to the marriage. That's all he did. Was watch. He couldn't do anything else. He wanted out of there. More than anything. He wanted to bolt to run and not look back for miles but he didn't. He just watched. Finally the priest pronounced them Husband and Wife and he watched them kiss. It was official. He'd lost Cody for good now. On September 25th he lost his life.
"Down the road someone will ask me if I know you
I'll pause for a moment, I'll smile and say that I used to."
After the wedding Zack had went on his way. He'd been everywhere and nowhere all at once and now three years later he'd settled down and gotten a modest house in Northern California. He liked it there. It was quiet, calm and happy. Everything his head was not. He'd gotten a job doing woodwork and while he wasn't as well off as Cody he was still doing pretty well for himself. He still talked to his twin quite often too and saw him every holiday. He missed being near him but he knew this was for the best. Cody needed to be able to live his own life and be happy and Zack needed to be away from Cody, or more accurately Bailey, to make sure he didn't stand in the way of their happiness. He often thought of what could have been between them but he tried not to dwell on it anymore. After-all Cody had his own life now, he should too. He hadn't settled down with anyone though he had had his share of women. He knew he could never fully commit to one though since he'd already given his heart to his twin long ago. Therefor it was no longer his to give. He'd make do though. He had his work, his bulldog named Bubba and his brother's cellphone number just in-case things got too much to bare without him. They were happy and for the first time Zack felt content in his own life. He knew he'd never reach the level of happiness he could have had if Cody hadn't rejected him those years ago but he honestly believed he could live a fairly normal life now and that was more than he'd hoped for before.
"If there is somebody that makes you feel happy
Tends to your heart in the ways I'd been lacking
Then who am I who am I to stand in your way?
The way that I feel is no longer your burden
If there is someone that makes you feel perfect
Then who am I who am I to stand in your way?
To stand in your way
To stand in your way
I wont stand in your way."
The birth of Cody and Bailey's first child was something of a miracle. A little boy. They'd named him Thomas Zachary Martin and had even asked Zack to be the baby's godfather. He'd accepted of course and was honored and proud of the fact that they'd chosen him for such a big title. The baby looked a lot like Cody and him but with Bailey's brown hair. He was beautiful. Perfect. Just like his father. And seeing Cody beam with such pride really made Zack happy. He was incredibly proud of his twin and the life he'd built and despite it not being with him he was happy for his little brother. To have the "normal" life he'd always wanted. Although Zack would still drop everything in the world to be with him he'd accepted the fact that that was not the way the world wanted them to be. His feeling didn't matter anymore. Cody's did. Thomas' did. He still loved Cody and always would but for now he'd let him have his moment and let him continue on the perfect existence he'd created for himself and Zack would just watch and be happy for his brother. Even if it did mean the ache in his heart would forever be a part of him. The little boy, his nephew, was the one who needed him now and he was gonna be the best uncle anyone could ever ask for.
"I wont stand in your way.
I wont stand in your way."
END.
x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x
Author's Note: This is my first story in three years and my first Suite Life story period. it just popped into my head one evening and demanded to be written so here we are! Thank you so much for reading and don't be shy to tell me what you think! Cody's side of the same story AKA part two is being written as we speak and will be posted soon as well. Thank you for your time! :)