Church's Crusade #13: Unhappy Reunion
"Look Tucker, I know you might not be too happy to see me', said Church, 'But this-"
"Your damn right I don't want to see you. The last time you were here you punched me in the face and threatened to shoot me. Do you think I want to hear anything you have to say…"
"Hey, listen man, if we don't work to-"
"…you think you can just waltz back in here with your new fucking commando moves and everything will be okay again…"
"Fuck I don't have time for this." Church turned and looked at his small squad, "Hey Anna can you come stand in front of Tucker for a moment?" He then turned to Tucker again and waited to see his reaction.
"…we're doing perfectly fine until you showed up and – Hello and who might you be?"
Church couldn't help but smile to himself at this display that was so typically Tucker. March a pretty girl in front of him and an atom bomb wouldn't distract him from her. In fact this was probably true of any girl. The only downside Church could see in this situation is that he would have to endure Tucker's trademark phrase, Bow-Chicka-Bow-Wow. Still things could be worse, Church reminded himself. Gary could be here to give his unique perspective on things, with Andy for commentary. Church returned his attention to Tucker, just in time to catch, "…-icka-Bow-Wow." Deciding that it would be a while before he could talk to anyone intelligent, he turned his attention to Caboose.
"Hey Caboose, what's been happening here since I left?"
"Well, when you left I made a muffin and then Sister and I played Eye Spy, and then-"
"Yea, yea, that's great. What's happened recently?"
"Oh well a bunch of guys came down in big ships and told us we could either help them or they could kill us and make us dead. Tucker asked what they would be doing and they said killing everyone else in the canyon. Sister didn't like it because her brother is at Red base. Then Tucker said we wouldn't go down without a fight, which is good because I want to be alive. Then I sort of blacked out. The last thing I remember was some evil looking spikey kittens and then I woke up with a sore throat and you were talking to me."
"Uh-huh." Church turned back to look at Tucker who seemed for the first time to have given up because the girl he was focussing on was giving him her complete attention. And not in a good way. Tucker looked at last at Church, "So why are you here? More importantly how are you here looking like that? You died and then you left. Remember?"
Church smiled coldly, "Oh yes I remember. Lets just say that those behind me decided to give me an upgrade. Now to business. Caboose has told me roughly what has happened over the past few days. Why haven't you been using the tank?"
"Tank?" Tucker looked surprised, "Oh that got blown up in the first attack. We've been surviving with just our guns for days now."
"Okay then what about the Reds?"
"They were forced out of their base and are hiding in the caves. Sarge even agreed to work with us to a degree. He said that at least we Blues have the honour to try and stab you in the back. These new guys will try and kill you with a bombing raid."
Church thought for a moment then looked up, "Right well if you guys will help us salvage what we can from the ship we can reinforce our position. Hey Sister how you doing?" he called to the yellow armoured figure coming down the base's entry ramp.
Sister looked from Church to Caboose then asked, "Hey whose that?"
"That is Church. That's what he looks like with skin."
"Oh yea? He's kinda' hot."
Church looked back at Tucker, "So are we agreed? Will we work together?"
Tucker looked at him for a moment then grinned, "Sure why not…"
They spent the next hour unloading the ship and gathering whatever parts might be of use, most of them carrying a case between two, Caboose carrying one under his arms and Church carrying one on each shoulder. Soon they had a massive pile in the centre of the base. Church clapped his hands together.
"Now to get to work on the tank."
"What?' said Tucker, 'Since when do you know how to fix anything?"
"Since they took out my memory unit and loaded all this new and interesting shit onto it. Now do you want to help or not?"
Church marched to where the overturned tank lay and braced himself before slowly heaving it up until it flipped. Then he took a the tool kit and began to work…
Several hours later Church was just putting the finishing touches on the tank when he felt a knife being pressed to his neck. He carefully laid down his spanner and stood up. The knife was removed and a gun was pressed into the small of his back. Church listened carefully to the sound of breathing and on the edge of hearing, heartbeats.
"Now don't you try anything funny sergeant. There's six of us and only one of you. Were taking you back under charge of treason and your going to-"
"Your wrong,' said Church.
"What?' the man asked in confusion, 'What you talking 'bout?"
"There are not six of you. There are only three. The man moving round on my left is holding an SMG, which judging by the rattling of the weapon, only has 15-20 rounds left. The other gentleman on my right is holding a battle rifle, and is smoking a cigarette. And you my friend have a magnum which I would guess has a tendency to jam, especially with your hand shaking like that. Now we have three choices.
1) You can let me go and back away very carefully and I will give you a head start, 2) You can surrender now and I will take you to the base nearby, or 3) You can continue to be idiots and I can kill you. Take your pick boys, it makes no difference to me. But I would prefer not to get my armour any dirtier than it already is."
"Shut up!', shouted one of the men behind him, 'Start walking, your coming with us."
"Oh dear,' said Church, "And we were getting on so well."
His arm snaked down and the knife shot from his armour into the gut of the man behind him just as Church's other hand grasped the pistol. He then spun and fired the gun into the head of the man holding the SMG, and turned to look at the man with the battle rifle and found him running for his life. Church sighed, leaned down to retrieve his knife then threw it after the retreating figure. The knife struck the soldier in the back of his knee and he collapsed. As Church wandered over to him and as the man tried to bring his rifle to bear, promptly shot him in the back of his hand. He then carefully bandaged the man's wounds then lifted him onto his shoulder.
"Your coming back with me he,' he said, 'We need to have a little chat…"
The characters Church, Caboose, Tucker, Simmons, Sarge, Grif, Sister, Donut and Doc are owned by Rooster Teeth Productions.