"We're The Band"

Chapter 14: Pressure to Be Better Than It Was

Same Saturday – Tokyo-3 Subway

Yuki Takeda sat on the train headed to the movie theater outwardly calm but with inner turmoil reflected in the sounds of Queen's "Under Pressure" playing through her ear buds.

Mm ba ba de
Um bum ba de
Um bu bu bum da de

Pressure pushing down on me
Pressing down on you no man ask for
Under pressure that brings a building down
Splits a family in two
Puts people on streets

Um ba ba be

Um ba ba be

De day da

Ee day da - that's okay

It had started with the mid-morning call from Rei.

"Takeda-san, it's Rei Ayanami."

"Ayanami-sempai, how good of you to call," replied a confused Yuki.

"Asuka, Hikari, and I are headed to the movies and we're going to bring the boys along with us. We thought you would want to come too since we expect Kensuke to be there with Toji and Shinji."

Yuki had agreed, of course. Rei had been quite convincing and refusal was never really an option. The discussion with her mother did not turn out to be a problem either since it was really a group outing. Her father had not been overly pleased given his view that she was too young to date seriously, but he had acquiesced when he learned it was a fairly large group of people and not just the couple. In fact, the enormity of what she was doing didn't hit her until she was standing on the subway platform waiting for the next train – she was headed out with upperclassmen and the most popular kids in school.

It's the terror of knowing
What the world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming 'Let me out'
Pray tomorrow gets me higher
Pressure on people people on streets

Day day de mm hm
Da da da ba ba
Okay

Chippin' around - kick my brains around the floor
These are the days it never rains but it pours

Yuki sat quietly in the train car trying to breathe slow and measured breaths to keep from hyperventilating. The fear had given away to excitement. Having had Shinji sing to her had been a wonderful gift from Kensuke, and Yuki was impressed at Kensuke's resourcefulness. It had caused her to re-evaluate Kensuke and in that new light, she had to admit that he had seriously dialed back his military otaku activities. Yuki doubted, rightfully so, that he would ever completely leave them behind, but they had scaled back more into a sometime hobby from moment to moment obsession. She thought it was more of the influence of his popular friends than anything she had done, but there was always hope.

Thinking of Kensuke's group of friends, Yuki was a bit excited and just a little apprehensive at being included in such an august group. In her limited interaction with them, they all had been very down to earth and had made her feel welcome. Even Asuka's teasing and normally over the top behavior had been mostly in check and had more of a friendly feel than some sort of dominance game.

Ee do ba be
Ee da ba ba ba
Um bo bo
Be lap

People on streets - ee da de da de
People on streets - ee da de da de da de da

It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming 'Let me out'

Pray tomorrow - gets me higher higher high
Pressure on people people on streets
Turned away from it all like a blind man
Sat on a fence but it don't work
Keep coming up with love but it's so slashed and torn

As she fingered the controls to her music player and glanced around the nearly empty train car, Yuki couldn't help but marvel at the turn of events in her social life. She had a fairly close circle of girlfriends and hadn't really done much on the boy-front. It was all fairly calm and predictable for a junior high school girl. That all changed when she had asked Kensuke to dance in a spur-of-the-moment decision, and when she had been grilled by Asuka, Hikari, and Rei on what her thought process was in doing so, she couldn't explain it. He seemed cute enough and smart enough, and Yuki never really thought the military otaku stuff would be a problem. In fact, she hadn't really realized who Kensuke's only friends really were, and now she had been pulled into the same orbit Kensuke was in around some of the most notable students in the school.

Why - why - why?
Love love love love love
Insanity laughs under pressure we're breaking
Can't we give ourselves one more chance
Why can't we give love that one more chance
Why can't we give love give love give love give love
give love give love give love give love give love

'Cause love's such an old fashioned word
And love dares you to care for

The people on the (People on streets) edge of the night
And loves (People on streets) dares you to change our way of

Caring about ourselves
This is our last dance
This is our last dance
This is ourselves

Under pressure
Under pressure
Pressure

As Yuki climbed the stairs from the station, Rei's blue hair, Asuka's red hair, and Shinji's presence all registered at the top of the stairs as waiting for her. The very presence of the three of them almost over powered the existence of Hikari, Toji, and Kensuke. Yuki's thoughts were thrown off a bit realizing that of anyone in the school only Toji, Hikari, and Kensuke seemed to have the ability to not be over shadowed by their friends.

"Takeda-san! We're over here." waved a smiling Shinji. Of course, it would be Shinji to have seen her first and welcome her.

As the group assembled and the usual greetings were given, Yuki had a chance to view the dynamics of the group, up close. She noted that Shinji finally seemed comfortable in his situation – the sullen, lost look he used to wear was gone. He had been the subject of many conversations of groups of girls of all ages and cliques in the school ever since it had been leaked that he was an EVA pilot so many months ago. They had all found him cute, but his withdrawn nature had always been viewed as a challenge by some and a total turn off by others. Yuki also noted that Asuka's barbs were more playful and less scathing than in the past. Two things really stood out to Yuki, though. The first was Rei's transformation from recluse to active participant in life. Yuki, like everyone else at school, had observed and commented on Rei's previous behavior. It was like someone was playing an elaborate joke on the student body's psyche with Rei's changes. The second thing she noticed was that Toji and Hikari, while together, were showing signs of friction.

Kensuke had mentioned it, but Yuki had never been able to observe the new couple and could only listen sympathetically as Kensuke openly worried about his friend. But, the signs were there even in the conversations from the train station to the ticket booth and on into the theater. Hikari had expectations, right or wrong, that Toji didn't seem to care about; the little miscommunications that seemed to snowball into some bigger problem; and the forced cheerfulness that seemed to ring hollow around the genuine affection between Asuka and Shinji. Kensuke had mentioned that he hoped they could work it out, but he wasn't sure what the problem was. In fact, he was so worried about it that he'd asked Yuki to watch and provide her opinion and he'd let slip that he had already talked to Shinji about it. Yuki had been a bit taken aback by the request since she and Kensuke hadn't been going out that long, but she had been touched that he trusted her enough to talk to her about the important things in his life.

It was actually the middle of some movie that they all ended up in – a comedy of some sort – that she was able to take another look at the interaction of the group. Yuki was sitting next to Kensuke and was on the end of their group of friends. She took this moment to look past him and observe everyone else. Next came Toji and then Hikari, Toji was practically crying tears from laughter at the movie but had reached over to hold Hikari's hand. Hikari was obviously indulging Toji since she didn't really seem into the movie, but at the same time, Hikari seemed to have forgiven Toji his earlier remarks and was holding his hand in both of hers. Next to Hikari was Asuka and then Shinji, of course. They both seemed to be enjoying the movie but not the same extent as Toji, if such a thing was even possible. The two of them were like the definition of 'together' – holding hands, leaning on each other, silly every now and then. On the other end, next to her brother, was Rei. Periodically, the humor would confuse her and she'd lean over to ask Shinji to explain which in turn would cause Asuka to giggle harder. It really didn't seem possible that the fate of the world had been in the hands of these three teens. They had certainly changed a lot and moved closer to what would be called normal. But, they all seemed much older than their almost 15 years. Yuki pondered that a moment. They're life experiences were so much greater than everyone else, they just seemed more mature – almost like they were 15 going on 25.

Figuring that Kensuke would never really gather up the courage to hold her hand if he even thought of the idea, Yuki tentatively reached out and slid her hand into Kensuke's. She was rewarded with a blush that practically lit up the theater but also a warm pressure as his hand closed on hers. Turning back to the movie, Yuki tried to control her own blush and enjoy the remainder of the feature.

After the Movie – Dessert Shop

The group of friends had adjourned to their favorite dessert shop – dessert crepes being their thing – Shinji reflected that the last time any significant part of the group had been here, they had talked about potential band names. Conversation just seemed mostly random and the little relationship waves between Toji and Hikari had settled down since the movie.

"Shinji?" queried Asuka.

"Hmm?" replied the boy around the spoonful of whipped cream that had somehow entered his mouth as he had daydreamed about the past.

"Do you want the rest of my dessert? I'm full."

"Um, sure?"

Shinji then proceeded to dig into the remains of Asuka's dessert. Asuka and Rei watched him with amused interest. They had laughed about the fact that now that Shinji was getting regular exercise and that he seemed to be going through a growth spurt since he was now noticeably taller than either of them; his appetite resembled that of a bottomless pit compared to the almost bird-like amounts he had eaten previously. It was a good thing that they got a living expense stipend, now, because Shinji would have eaten them out of house and home on just Misato's salary.

Just as the last mouthful of crepe passed his lips, Shinji's cell began to demand attention. Flipping it open, a reminder popped up. Shinji quickly closed his cell and announced that he had to be going.

"What? Where? You didn't mention anything before," protested Asuka.

Sliding some money into Asuka's hand for his share, Shinji merely stood, "I just have something to take care of. I'll see you guys back at the apartment in a couple of hours."

With a quick kiss on the cheek to Asuka, Shinji was out the door before more protests could be made. The conversation around the table centered on Shinji's abrupt departure for a couple of minutes before Asuka stood up suddenly and declared that she was going to find out where he went. Oddly, Rei decided to stay put but didn't make any moves to delay Asuka.

As Asuka exited the dessert shop, she spotted Shinji up the street leaving a shop with a small bundle under his arm. Following him in the general direction of the train station, she noticed as she passed that the shop was a florist. A small frown crossed her face as she couldn't think of a reason for Shinji to be buying flowers, especially since he'd never bought her flowers.

Asuka continued to follow Shinji at a discrete distance putting all of the surveillance training they had gotten from Section 2 into practice. The two of them wound their way through the city. As he sat on the train, Asuka noticed that Shinji was listening to the new music player she had bought him. That little thing made her feel a little relief that she was still connected to him in even the small ways and that he hadn't actually severed the ties to her. In fact, the little music player was a very significant step. He hadn't wanted a replacement and just wanted to fix his old player. It had been a huge part of his life for as long as she could remember, but he needed to move on. The fact he had accepted this new phase in his life was a big sign to Asuka that Shinji had started the process of moving on from his past and living in the present and for the future.

Shinji sat in the train seat lost in one of the new songs Asuka had loaded onto his player. Looking down at the display, it said "Fastball – Better Than It Was".

Once I had it all planned out
My dirty fingers moved about
To make a mess of everything around me

The new player marked a new phase in Shinji's life. His trusty SDAT had finally broken for the last time. Asuka, of course, would not even hear of repairing it – that last vestige of his old, clinically depressed ways. Instead, she told him to hold a proper burial for it. So, while he said his goodbyes over the electronics recycling can, Rei and Asuka had gone out shopping and bought him this new incarnation – no more tapes, downloadable music, video, and lots of other gizmos that he hadn't investigated. They had even pre-loaded it with his classical music and other songs that they both liked, probably so they could borrow it, he had suggested with a sly smile when they had presented him with his gift.

I don't claim to know my way
I still run in circles every day
Running around half blind
Life can be unkind

They eventually ended up at a small cemetery on the outer edges of the city. Asuka, starting to guess at who was at this cemetery, halted behind a tree as Shinji slowed and knelt in front of two markers cleaning away some of the debris in front of them.

But it's better than it was
But it's better than it was
I complain very little because
It's better than it was

Shinji first turned to the marker labeled 'Gendo Rokubungi'. When it was placed, Shinji was still very angry with his father and couldn't bear having his mother's name on the marker. No one had argued with him, but he could tell that Commander Fuyutski was disappointed in the decision. Lighting three incense sticks, he placed them with reverence in front of his father's marker and offered a prayer to his father's spirit. After a moment, he said in a soft voice, "Father, I've never understood why you did what you did, and I suppose I never really will. But, I've found some measure of happiness now and a little insight. I think I've finally forgiven you, but I'll never be able to forget."

I get to remembering
We had alot more money then
To make a mess of everything around us

Placing the flowers and three more incense sticks in front of the marker labeled 'Yui Ikari', Shinji knelt down and a more serene look crossed his face. "Hi, mom," he started with considerably more warmth and affection than the previous conversation. "A lot has happened since Third Impact. I know that you've finally been released from Unit-01, and hopefully, that has brought you a measure of peace. You'd be happy for me, mom. I found my sister, and I'm helping her adjust to life outside of NERV. We've all finally settled in as a family with Misato. Everything seems to be going fine. We're all doing pretty well in school. I know you don't mind that I call her 'mom' since she's taking care of us now, but I still get those strange twinges when I do. It's hard not to feel like she's trying to take your place. Mom, no one will ever take your place in my heart, but, I think Misato has created a new place in my heart for her, just like Asuka and Rei have."

Now the money comes and goes a bit faster
Than my confidence grows
Everybody knows
There ain't nothing new about money woes

"Asuka and I are finally together, too. We have so much in common, mom. It's really scary sometimes. But, we try and get through it all together. I think you would have approved of her, maybe not at first, but once you got to know her. We've spent a lot of time since Third Impact talking and trying to work through our problems. We keep making progress and have grown up a lot."

It's better than we ever could have
Wished it to before

It was bad a while ago
Better than this I know

It's better than it was

"Lots of other things have been happening. I did get into a fight at school. It wasn't a big deal. Some bullies started it, but I defended myself. I do have an audition with the Tokyo-3 Philharmonic, but nothing definite yet."

Taking a deep breath as he stood, Shinji reached out to the marker. "I miss you, mom. I also wish father hadn't burned all the pictures because it's getting harder and harder to remember your face. I remember everything else – your touch, your smell, the warmth of your hand. Anyways, I'll come see you again, soon. I love you, mom."

Shinji put his hands in his pockets and took one last look at his mother's marker.

Without looking up, he raised his voice, "You can come out now, Asuka."

A bit crestfallen that Shinji had spotted her and more than a little ashamed at having intruded on this private time, Asuka had the decency to blush in embarrassment as she made her way to the young man gazing at the grave markers. Slipping her hand through his arm, "I'm sorry for intruding Shinji. I was worried . . . uh, well, it's complicated, what I was."

Turning to the young woman with a smile on his face, "It's alright. I didn't really leave with the most grace. It's just that I just wanted some time with mom and I didn't feel like explaining it to everyone at the table," Shinji reassured Asuka. "I'm glad you're here, though."

The young couple turned away from the markers and began making their way back to the train station looking far older than their nearly 15 years. Desperately wanting to fill the silence with something, Asuka broke first. "So, when did you notice me?"

"Not until we were almost here. I caught a glimpse of you on the bus. Your hair was a dead give away."

"Yeah. I didn't know when the next bus was, so I had to take the chance. You know that the counter-surveillance team would be disappointed that you didn't notice me until so late in the game."

"Sure, but you're pretty good at the game - better than most of our instructors, now."

"Shinji, you say the sweetest things," beamed Asuka.

Shinji merely replied with a smile. These syrupy sweet conversations no longer frightened or sickened him the way they had when he'd seen them in the movies. He was, truth be told, starting to see them more as fun and, too a certain extent, cute. Besides, at his core, Shinji could never lie to Asuka, and everything that he said was what he believed.

As they sat on the first train, Asuka again broke the silence. "So, you're really not mad at me for following you?"

"Not really. It's probably my fault to begin with for not telling you when you asked, but you do need to trust me a little more."

"Trust a baka like you?" teased Asuka who was inwardly pleased at being forgiven. "How can I trust you when you can't even get up on time?"

"Because you love me?" replied Shinji with a sly little smile.

All his smile earned him was a playful punch to the shoulder before Asuka gave up on that part of the conversation. Changing subjects, "Shinji, why didn't you bring Rei? I'm sure she would have wanted to pay her respects to your mom."

"Actually, I had asked her the other day. At first, she said she didn't want to intrude on my time to reflect. But, it was pretty obvious that wasn't the whole story. So, when I poked her about it, she finally admitted that she was just now getting used to having a mom in Misato, and that she wasn't sure she could deal with having a dead mother as well. But, I think the real big deal was that my father's marker is there also. I don't think Rei has forgiven him, yet."

"That makes sense. I don't blame her for not forgiving your father. I hated him for lots of reasons – both legitimate and petty. I don't think I've forgiven him for what he did to us, all three of us, either."

"Yeah . . . I guess I'm just motivated differently on that. I think my mom would have wanted me to forgive him so I could move on," seeing the disapproving look on Asuka's face, Shinji moved to explain further. "Asuka, forgiving is not forgetting. I'll never forget what he did and how much pain he caused, but I think my mom would want me to move on to better things – like us, like Rei, like Misato – if I was locked into a cycle of negative thinking about my father."

"I suppose . . . " further comments were broken by the angry squeals of both of their phones. It was a very specific ring tone that signified a priority message from NERV command. Popping open his phone, Shinji showed Asuka the message:

Alert Code Thimble. All personnel report to NERV.

"Thimble?" whispered Shinji to Asuka.

"Terror alert. T for terror, so Thimble for the letter T. You should call Misato. I'll call Rei."

With that, the teens pulled started dialing as Shinji looked for the appropriate connection to take them to NERV.

Author's Parting Shots: Yay, over 50k words. Who'd a thunk it? Anyways, thanks to the readers and reviewers for coming on this little journey. No end in sight to the fun and frivolity!

Some explanations – I thought it would be interesting to view the interactions between our favorite clique from an involved third party's point of view, so we got to do that this time. For the Hikari/Toji fans, right now I don't have any plans on breaking them up, but decided that as the two teens, in my view, closest to 'normal', I wanted them to have some normal problems.