The colonel starts to remember...violence and sexual content ahead – but also some pretty emotional stuff. Might be OOC, but this is *my* Jack and he will talk...

For a while neither of them said anything. Jack had closed his eyes and rested his elbows on his knees. Suddenly his head sank to his chest and he exhaled. Not looking at Dr. Shen he said:

"I think I know. These images I saw in the dream – it's nothing that happened on the recent mission. This goes back a long, long time, and I just didn't remember it. Until now. How could I forget that?"

He was pale, looking like he might be sick.

"Do you want to tell me?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"Yes, colonel, you do. You're not doing this for me or for your superiors. Frankly I don't care if you go back on duty or not. All I am interested in is to help you get a grip on yourself. You said it before, usually you deal with these things on your own. Right now those strategies don't seem to work. So I suggest we try doing it my way. But it's your decision."

He took deep breath and rushed out:

"It was that hellish mission in that god forsaken place in Iraq. I had been captured, and they had been interrogating me for days, maybe weeks. I was a mess of broken bones, bleeding knife wounds and fierce bruises, nearly starved and so weak I could barely stand on my own. By that time I would have told them anything they asked if only I had known. But my intel was out of date. One day they decided to believe me that I really didn't know the answers to their questions. From that on, my life was worthless. I had long since given up hope of rescue and was well aware of the fact that my life would end there. It was only a matter of time. And I was at their mercy about the way of my death. I longed for that one bullet through my head that would end my misery, and I did beg them to do it. They would laugh at me, telling me I wasn't worth a bullet. That being shot would be a soldier's death, but that I was no soldier. They'd rather beat or starve me to death than waste ammunition on me.

I broke down. I just knew I couldn't take one more blow or I'd lose my mind. So I fell to my knees in front of them, bowed my head and begged them to end my life with a quick, merciful shot. Again they laughed at me. They said I didn't deserve it, that I wasn't worth it. I couldn't live, and they would not let me die. At least not quickly. So I asked what they wanted. Their leader started to grin with a cruelty that still shocked me after all he had done to me. He ordered me to strip naked. He didn't order his men to do it. I had to get to my feet and do it myself. My dog tags were the last thing on me, and I held to them for dear life. He knew that those meant I was a soldier, so he ordered me to take them off. 'You are no longer a soldier', he said. It took all the strength that was left in me to slip them over my head. I was ordered to lay them before him and to kneel. I dropped back to my knees by his feet where I had been before, head bowed, waiting."

Jack paused for a moment. He was so pale Dr. Shen worried he might go into shock. But before she could say anything he went on in the same deadly flat voice as before:

"He ordered me to open his belt. I couldn't believe it. When I didn't follow his orders he hit me, back handed across my face. All the old bruises screamed at me, and blow after blow hit my face, my body, my head. He stopped for a moment to ask if I still wanted that bullet. I nodded, tears flowing down my aching face, but he made me say it out loud. I managed, though I couldn't control my voice and it came out in a whimper. 'Then do as I ordered', he said. And I did."

He struggled to get control.

"Apparently they didn't grant me that bullet. They just left me in my cell to starve to the death I deserved."

"What happened, Jack?"

Her voice was soft, careful.

"They got to me. A rescue team got me out in the last possible moment. I barely remember anything from it, just a touch that brought me to consciousness. The first touch in weeks that wasn't meant to cause me pain. It was a major, that much I remember. He tried to get my attention.

That major addressed me by my name and my rank, though there was nothing left on me that would show either of it. I lay there naked, beaten up and barely alive, still there was respect in his eyes. He wrapped me in a blanket and gave me some water, and I felt like maybe I wasn't lost after all. I woke up days later in hospital. I was in pretty bad shape, very similar to recently. I could tell everybody was glad that I had woken up, but I didn't feel anything. I did feel the pain from the cuts and bruises all over my body, but I had gotten so used to it that it didn't matter. Apart from that, I didn't feel anything. No relief, no notion of safety, no gratitude for being rescued. I felt I wasn't worth living. They had told me I wasn't worth that bullet. Broke me completely and reduced me to something they could use to their pleasure. Thrived on my agony and after they had used me they refused me the one thing I wanted. That bullet through my head. I just wasn't worth it. I was broken beyond repair."

He sat back in his chair completely exhausted. Dr. Shen poured a glass of water and offered it to him. Gratefully he took it. He didn't even notice that his hand was shaking. The doc studied him closely.

"How did you recover from it?"

"Sara...my wife finally got through to me, but it was a hell of a time for her."

When he didn't say any more it was obvious he didn't want to talk about his marriage. He straightened in his chair.

"Are we done for today, doc?"

Dr. Shen smiled at him.

"You tell me."

"Well I think I've had enough, doc."

"OK. I just don't feel like you should be driving. Is there anybody we could call to come pick you up?"

He sighed.

"That would probably be Carter then."

~o0o~

The next time Jack saw Dr. Shen she said:

"Did Sam get you home safely?"

"Yes, she did."

"And how did you sleep that night?"

"A little better, I think. I still had a nightmare, but it was more like a story, not so much about that feeling of - despair. Like this time I could see instead of being blindfolded."

And as an afterthought he added:

"Carter was there. She's still babysitting me, you know. Keeping watch on my couch."

"How do you feel about that?"

"Oh come on, that's such a cliché, doc!"

She smiled.

"I agree, but usually those are actually quite fitting. So?"

"Oh boy, I guess I'm grateful. Though it's embarrassing. Actually I don't want her to see me like that."

"Still it's good that she's there?"

"Yes."

"OK. So what kind of a relationship is there between you and Sam Carter?"

Jack stiffened.

"She's my teammate and my subordinate."

"She seems to care for you."

"That's what teammates do. We rely on each other. We have to given the nature of what we do."

His features softened a little.

"She was the one who got me out of...that state I had been in after 'Egypt'."

Dr. Shen waited. Jack lowered his head.
"She sat with me. That's the first thing I remember after coming to. She was trying to get my attention. Finally I must have communicated something, maybe a nod. I surely didn't speak. But she reached out to touch my face. And it was pure – bliss."

His voice was a mere whisper.

Dr. Shen cleared her throat.

"Colonel? You are aware of the fact that whatever you tell me is confidential? None of this will ever make it into my report. So if you're worried about violating regulations -"

"We never did anything that would be violating the regs!"

Jack was clearly affected.

"I wasn't implying that, colonel. I just think you're not honest with me about Sam, probably because you want to avoid any suspicion. Maybe you're not completely honest about her with yourself..."

Jack gave her the "cliché"-look.

She smiled.

"So – are you?

"What?"

"Honest about how you feel about Sam."

"Can we please not call her that?"

She raised an eyebrow.

"Is it inappropriate to call your subordinate by her first name?"

"No. My CO calls me Jack sometimes and I'm fine with it. It's just that I can't allow myself to call her that. Not even in my mind."

He looked lost in thought, so after a while the doc repeated her question.

"Jack – what does Sam Carter mean to you?"

He obviously struggled with the question, but finally he closed his eyes and confessed:

"She's the most important thing in my life."

The statement stood in the room like something solid, as if he could reach out and touch it. He had never uttered that before. Who could he possibly have said it to? Now that he had he was equal parts shocked and relieved. There was something about this shrink that made him want to spill his guts. Probably something to do with her knowing Carter so well...she just waited for him to go on.

"I have come close to losing her more than once, and I'm not talking about losing like in 'move to another town' but like in 'speaking at her memorial service'."

"You're military, I assume there's always that risk."

"Yes, there is. And I simply couldn't endure losing her."

"Does she know that?"

"She once did. There was an incident when I was forced to admit that I cared about her a lot more than I was supposed to, that I'd rather die myself than lose her. We never talked about it again."

"Does she reciprocate your feelings?"

"Back then she did. I don't know about now."

"What about the rest of your team? I assume they are close to you, too?"

"Yeah, they are. Only recently I haven't felt very comfortable around them. I seem to function better around women than men."

"What can you tell me about them?"

"Well, there's Daniel - not military originally, though I'm afraid we made him quite a soldier over the past few years."

"You're afraid?"

"He used to be the most moral person, always fighting for the right thing to do, always arguing, always opposing the military solution. He still is that, but he lost a lot of his innocence. That's a shame."

"Have you talked to him recently?"

"Not really. It was awkward. I trust him, he'd never do anything to hurt me, and still I'm off balance with him."
"You wanna change something about that?"

"Sure! I want things to go back to normal. We always fight, we always disagree about something, but when push comes to shove I just know I can rely on him. I want that back."

"Do you want him to make the first step?"

Jack considered that for a moment. It seemed a chicken thing to do – but it was true.

"Yeah, I guess I do."

"Do you think he will?"

"Well, he's Daniel. I assume he can't keep his curiosity in check forever..."

It sounded light-hearted, but there was as much anxiety in it as hope.

"OK, who else is on the team?"

"That would be 'T'. He's – well that would be classified information. When we first met he was with the enemy. But he had a change of heart and decided to join our cause."

"And you trusted him right away?"

"Untypical, but yeah. He risked a lot to help us, and I just knew he was worth my trust. He doesn't talk much, but he's a skilled fighter. Recently I have to admit he freaks me out."

"You mean you're afraid of him?"

"Yeah. Strange, because like with Daniel I just know he's no danger to me, but I can't help it. I see him and I panic."

"Do you have any idea why it's especially bad with him?"

Jack thought about that for a while. Them something dawned on him.

"Well there are certain similarities between him and the – bastards that held me prisoner on that recent mission. Can it be that easy?"

"Yes, that's possible. In what way are they similar?"

"I'm afraid that's classified again."

"OK, so what are the differences?"

"What, besides the fact that they tortured me until I couldn't take anymore – and he's my friend?"

Dr. Shen simply looked at him with the tiniest raise of her eyebrows.

"What?"

"Emotion, colonel. Analyzing the way you feel is the crucial point here."

"Yeah I've always been great at that."

The doc looked amused.

"I think you're doing fine, colonel. So – try to ignore the obvious resemblance, whatever it is: face, physique, voice. Focus on how you feel about T."

"Trust. I trust him, his abilities, his loyalty. I know I can rely on him being alert and observant, and he will always be there to back me up."

There was lump in his throat.

"He'd never let me down. I wish he had been there...I wish they all had been there. They would have ended that hell I was living in."

Jack looked lost.

"So how about we try to do something about your nightmares?"

"Is there something I can do?"

"Have you ever had a dream, good or bad, and knew it was a dream?"

"Yes. Why?"

"Good. Tonight I want youto try and slip that thought into your dream. Use the first cue that what you see or feel is not real to get control, maybe you can even end the dream. If that works, the next step would be to try and alter what you see."

Dr. Shen had instinctively realized that he needed to know what strategy she pursued. He needed to be in control, and she was giving him the means to achieve that.

~o0o~

TBC