Jack and Sam sat in silence, each clinging to their beverages. After a while Sam said:

"So, how was your day?"

"Oh, you know, I was fine most of the time."

Obviously there was something he didn't tell her, but she knew better than to ask.

"How were things with Daniel?"

"You know him. He's bursting with curiosity..."

Sam sat straighter.

"Did he -"

"Carter, it's alright. You don't have to protect me. I'm a big boy, I can fend off a linguist."

There was an actual twinkle in his eyes, and Sam relaxed immediately. Then he turned serious.

"Actually we both know that's not true."

Sam was off balance again, not sure what he was talking about.

"Actually you've been doing exactly that, and I'm grateful."

"You're welcome, sir!"

She beamed at him.

"And things look better now, right?"

When he didn't answer she looked at him more closely.

"Sir? The nightmares did get better, didn't they?"

"Last night...there was a new kind of dream."

He clearly hatedto admit it.

"You want me to stay?"

"I really can't expect you to. You've been doing so much more than you had to. You shouldn't have to put up with me any more."

"I'm not putting up with you, sir. I care about you, and I hurt seeing you in pain. I still wish there was more I could do..."

She swallowed once and then went on, low but brave:

"...to make you whole again."

He turned to her, his defenses down, his need obvious in his eyes. He didn't say anything, but he didn't have to. She wrapped him in her arms and gently stroked his back and his shoulders.

"I'm scared, Carter." Almost too low to catch it.

"Of what?"

"Of never being whole again! I don't think I can take much more..."

"You've come such a long way, Jack!"

He drew away from her.

"And yet I still have these dreams. I know as soon as I fall asleep they will be back. I can't deal with this. Maybe you should have left me out there. Maybe I deserved what happened. Maybe you should get rid of me. I'm not worth the trouble."

Sam felt a sharp pang at the self-loathing in his voice. Depression, she thought. Never in a thousand years had she expected Jack O'Neill to get depressed. Furious. Bitter. Hurt. Anything but depressed. How could he talk like that! Didn't he know how she felt about him?

"Jack, please don't. How could you possible deserve this?"

"I wasn't strong enough, Carter. I couldn't take it and I broke. I just couldn't take anymore, so I – complied."

"Do you want to tell me?"

"You wouldn't wanna know, believe me."

"What if I do?"

"Well maybe I don't want you to know. I don't want you to see me like that. You used to have that look when you looked at me, like you thought I was special. You don't have that now."

She was shocked. Did he really think he had lost her respect? She couldn't possibly let him believe that! So she made the bravest decision she had made in a long time. She gently put her hands on both sides of is face and made him look at her. Holding his gaze she said emphatically:

"I adore you, Jack."

Turning away from her he laughed bitterly.

"What's to adore? I'm a mess, Carter, scum. Don't waste any more time on me."

She flinched, and then she turned his face towards hers again.

"You've been the center of my universe, Jack. You're the strongest, bravest person I know. I just can't stand to see you in such pain. Please let me take that pain."

His eyes closed, and all energy seemed to drain from his body.

"Please", she whispered inches away from his face, and when he looked at her she saw his permission in his eyes. She closed the distance and met his mouth in the softest, most tender kiss.

When she broke away to look at him he still kept his eyes closed.

"So good", he breathed. His eyes opened and he looked straight at her, cupped her face with his hand and kissed her back, carefully, giving her the chance to back away. But she didn't – she opened up to him willingly, responding to the kiss with all the longing and all the love she had held back over the years. Her face was wet with tears when he finally let go.

"How about you don't sleep on the couch today?"

Surprised she looked at him.

"Maybe you can keep the dreams at bay."

When she didn't agree right away he withdrew.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked that. Especially not after the way I hurt you the last time you came too close to me."

Sam didn't say anything. She just got up from the couch and took his hand, and they made their way to the bed-room. He lay down on his back, and Sam settled down beside him. She propped herself up on her elbow to look at him.

Even with his eyes closed he could feel her gaze on him. Without opening his eyes he asked:

"What?"

"We're not allowed to do this, Jack. It was always a fine line, and even though you're on medical leave you are still my CO. "

"Yeah I was thinking about that...maybe I shouldn't be anymore."

"Huh? What are you saying?"

"There's a lot on my mind right now, Carter. Let me figure this out on my own, OK?"

When they settled down to sleep Sam wondered what he was thinking. Retirement? She couldn't imagine the SGC without him. Was he really thinking about giving up his career for her? What was this thing between them anyway? He was so much a military man she just couldn't see him as a civilian. She tried to lie still, but inside she was restless. What had they gotten themselves into? But that kiss had felt so good. She wanted to touch him, to feel his body, but she didn't dare. Probably he wouldn't tolerate it. It took her a long time to fall asleep.

She woke up because he had made a sound. Assuming the nightmares had started again, she wondered what to do. She didn't want to risk triggering his black-ops training again, but she needed to wake him from it before it became bad. So instead of touching him she softly said his name. He stirred, but didn't wake up. She tried again and he missed her by inches when his head snapped up. He was panting and it took him a while to focus. She knew he usually woke up very quickly, instantly taking in his surroundings. At least off-world he did. But he had clearly been far below. He lay back and tried to get his breathing under control. When Sam said his name again it seemed like he hadn't even been aware of her. All of a sudden he turned to her. His look was so unsure, so pleading that it broke her heart.

"Come here, Jack."

He moved into her arms and lay absolutely still, and she stroked his back. Through the thin fabric of his t-shirt she could feel the fresh scars. Her hand fell away. He didn't react to it, only his breathing changed.

"Do they still hurt?"

Nothing.

"Jack? Can I touch your back or do the scars still hurt?"

When there was still no answer from him she turned on the light on the nightstand. His eyes were open, but he was staring at nothing. 'Oh please god no', Sam thought. It looked too much like in the beginning. Carefully she pulled up his t-shirt. He didn't oppose. When his back was exposed Sam couldn't help but hiss through her teeth. There was barely any skin left that wasn't marked. She touched him very carefully, and now he flinched but other than that he held completely still. She bowed down to kiss his neck, trying to cause him as little pain as possible, but desperately in need to caress him. He let out a tiny moan and moved into the touch of her lips.

"Jack? Please talk to me. What's up?"

Low, strangled, he answered her:"This was different then the dreams I had in the beginning."

"How?"

"This was about the recent mission."

"Tell me. Let me help you carry the weight."

"I can't. I just can't stand knowing that every time you look at me you remember what they did."

She kept caressing the back of his neck.

"Please."

He was silent for so long, Sam didn't think he would speak at all. But finally he did.

"After they had renamed me things got worse. They didn't even pretend to torture me for information. They didn't ask any more questions. I wish they had – that way I could have done anything, said anything that would have stopped them. But they just made it clear that I wasn't human to them. Just a toy that they could use. They said that in their world the weak were to serve the strong, and asked me what group I thought I belonged to. My wrists were chained to the wall, I was naked, my back exposed, my feet spread apart. The first time one of them took me I screamed and cursed, and after he was done he told me I hadn't been obedient enough and deserved punishment. So there was the whip. They taught me the rules: don't resist, because you don't have a say in what happens to you. Don't move unless you're ordered to, don't make a sound, don't try to protect yourself. Take whatever we do to you. And never speak. They - screwed me whenever they felt like it, punished me for showing pain with even more pain and kept telling me I was nothing. When they were done they just left me hanging in the chains for hours until someone wanted me again. Apparently I didn't learn fast enough, so there was a lot of beating. Finally I gave up. Not just pretending in order to avoid more pain - I really stopped resisting. I just held perfectly still in complete silence like the good little slave they had made me. I guess I just accepted that they had every right to do whatever they wanted to me. When I just couldn't take any more, I think I disappeared somehow, retreated to some other place, and I just knew I would die there on my own. I don't even remember being rescued."

Tears were flowing freely across his face by the time he was done. Sam was crying, too, but she didn't even notice. She simply took him in her arms and held him close.

"We should have been there sooner, Jack. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..."

~o0o~

TBC