"We're the Band"
Chapter 23: All I Want - Reprise
Katsuragi Apartment - After the Cafe Concert
Asuka sat on the floor of the living room watching a J-Drama she had recorded earlier. Misato and Rei had already gone to bed - Misato after getting some letters written and Rei after another marathon telephone call with Hideyoshi. Shinji had sprawled out on the floor with his head in Asuka's lap., and after just five minutes of the drama, he was sleeping peacefully snuggled against the flannel of her pajama bottoms.
Asuka turned down the sound on the television to just above a whisper and idly stroked Shinji's newly blonde hair with one hand. She felt Shinji twitch and looked down to see his peaceful face bathed in the flickering light of the television. That odd picture reminded her of another time Shinji had been in a similar position on a beach, and Asuka had spent a lot of time watching his face in the flickering light of their camp fire. It was on one of those nights that she had done a great deal of soul searching. Asuka's eyes unfocused and the drama played forgotten as the sight of Shinji tugged at her heart strings and brought forth a familiar ache in her chest that recalled that monumental night.
The two of them had just had another of the long conversations where they had admitted that they were friends but, to their mutual frustration, had stopped just short of admitting that they had loved each other. Asuka had sat wondering what the dull ache in her chest really meant and spent some time rocking back and forth with her hands clutched to her chest as she wrestled with what her feelings really were. A part of her longed for the warmth and security that Shinji's love would offer, and that part was at war with the part of her that feared being abandoned again.
The decisive moment in that struggle was the realization that she wanted something different that what she had in the past and that wanting that difference didn't invalidate the past - it just made it another step in the journey. Asuka had stared at Shinji's face and with that major obstacle overcome the smaller victories over the loneliness and insecurity came fast and furious. She began to see opportunity and a future instead of completition.
Another twitch from Shinji brought Asuka back to the present. With a small smile, she placed one hand on his heart and the other went back to stroking his hair. She could feel the warmth of his chest on her hand as she turned back to the ending of the drama. The rhythm of his heart played to her hand, steadying her thoughts like a soft metronome. As the theme music began to play, Shinji twitched again and clutched at her hand. He started to mumble something and his face tensed up. It was obvious he was having a bad dream of some kind.
"Shhh," whispered Asuka as she stroked his hair. "It's okay."
As Asuka watched for signs that the dream was passing, she thought about all that Shinji had endured. His father. Eva. The loneliness. Her abuse. He had endured it all, and when given the choice of having that pseudo-happy life or taking the risk to be with her, he had chosen her, just as he had leapt into the volcano after her. His choices spoke about the quiet resolve in him. A small laugh escaped her as she realized what extremes it took to force him to actually make the choices back then. It was a good thing she was the Great Asuka Langley Sorhyu
"Shinji, it's just a dream."
Shinji clutched harder at her hand, and this time his sleepy mumble was audible – "No, Asuka, don't go." – an eerie echo of her own inner fears.
"Baka-chan, I'm here." On impulse, Asuka began to quietly sing to him.
You say you want
Diamonds on a ring of gold
You say you want
Your story to remain untold
But all the promises we make
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you
Asuka's voice was very soft. It was like a lullaby – intimate, soothing, personal, without a hint of self-consciousness.
You say you'll give me
A highway with no one on it
Treasure just to look upon it
All the riches in the night
You say you'll give me
Eyes in a moon of blindness
A river in a time of dryness
A harbor in the tempest
But all the promises we make
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you
Shinji's twitching slowed and his face began to relax. The nightmare was obviously passing. Still clutching Asuka's hand, Shinji rolled onto his side and curled up snuggling tighter against her outstretched legs.
You say you want
Your love to work out right
To last with me through the night
You say you want
Diamonds on a ring of gold
Your story to remain untold
Your love not to grow cold
All the promises we break
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you
She took another thoughtful look at Shinji. He was definitely maturing and discovering not only who he was but also who he wanted to be. But, Asuka had come to a startling realization. Shinji would alwaysneed her. Even more important to Asuka was the realization that Shinji's need for her had nothing to do with strength or confidence or any of the other things she had mistakenly thought indicated maturity. It had nothing to do with the things that had initially drawn boys to her like physical appearance. It was the fact that who he wanted to be was someone with her.
"You'll always need me as much as I need you, and I'll be there," she whispered as she rewound her drama.
Saturday Afternoon – Mall
Toji, Shinji, and Kensuke were hanging out at the mall. Kensuke had reverted back to carrying his video camera everywhere, much to Toji's consternation. They had sat down for a snack at Kensuke's insistence. They had only just arrived, and it was odd to do food first. Before Kensuke could get started, Toji demanded an explanation on why Kensuke had started backsliding into carrying his camera everywhere.
Momentarily distracted from the purpose for having brought his friends to the shop, Kensuke launched into a disjointed description of his intention of becoming a film-maker and needing to practice his art, the need to create footage for the band's website, and something that sort of sounded like he liked taking pictures as a commentary on life. This rambling monologue merely created a grunt from Toji and a bemused look from Shinji.
"But, I really wanted to show Shinji something," declared Kensuke as he flipped the screen on the camera around for Shinji to see. Shinji put the ear buds in as Kensuke started the video. Some random images of the campus flashed by and then settled on Asuka talking to an older boy. They are in a music store and the video is through the store window, so the only audio is Yuki asking Kensuke if that is Asuka. Asuka laughs at something the boy says and touches his arm. The video then wobbles and cuts out as Kensuke obviously has some sort of issue.
Shinji took the ear buds out and merely looked inquiringly at Kensuke.
"Aren't you upset?" demanded Kensuke.
Toji, who had been watching over Shinji's shoulder, exclaimed, "Shinji, you've been betrayed!"
It was at this point that the girls – Asuka, Rei, Yuki, and Hikari – arrived for their own shopping excursion. Their timing, as always, was just exquisite.
"Betrayed, Shinji?" inquired Asuka.
Before Shinji could respond, Kensuke and Toji began to make accusations. Asuka merely crossed her arms and stared at the two of them like they had completely lost their minds. Rei began to argue extensively with both Toji and Kensuke, and Hikari and Yuki were mortified at the behavior of their significant others. Shinji waited for a lull in the argument and cleared his throat, "Um, guys, that's enough."
As order was mostly restored, Asuka had decided that it was time to have the conversation – with Shinji.
"Shinji-kun," began Asuka, "what's this all about?"
"Kensuke, replay the video." Shortly, thereafter, Shinji looked back at Asuka, "So, the question Captain Obvious and his sidekick posed to me is 'what's going on?'"
"Simple," asked Asuka, pointedly ignoring everyone else, "He's a store employee helping me out. He recognized me and is a fan of the band, so I tried to be nice."
Thankfully, glares from the other three girls helped Kensuke and Toji hold their tongues. It was not a conversation for them to take part in.
"Ok, but you do realize that the situation could be misconstrued," added Shinji with a meaningful glance at Toji and Kensuke.
"You trust me, don't you?"
"Of course I trust you," taking her hands in his, Shinji continued. "I believe in you and how much you love me."
Asuka sat down in Shinji lap to pull him into a crushing hug while burying her face in his neck. Lifting her lips to his ear, "I'm glad. All I ever want is you."
Author's Parting Shots: Nothing really important to say other than the next chapters are shaping up to be longer.