41

She could feel the pain even when she was passed out, it pulsed in her body, keeping pace with her heartbeat. Every nerve ending was on fire with it. Was this what she would suffer in the change? She didn't want to wake, not knowing precisely what she would find, but knowing it wouldn't be the reservation. Charlie wouldn't take her there when she was in so much pain. She floated in her mind, her body was struggling with the pain and trying to bring her to consciousness but her mind refused to face it. She felt herself drift away from her body, the pain lessened slightly.

"Bella?" she heard his voice and involuntarily screwed her eyes shut. She loved him so much that it hurt sometimes, almost as much as the pain from the breaking bond. But it wasn't enough, she was suffocating. She had brought herself up for the last 10 years or more, only knowing a parent's love for a month each year, and even that was a love that was so seldom displayed that she would not have recognised it if it wasn't for her being damaged as much as Charlie was.

It was too late for her to retreat into childhood now. She didn't need to be told when to cross the road, when to get up and when to eat. She definitely didn't need help in getting dressed. She knew what she liked and the clothes Alice was trying to force her into weren't them! If she didn't want to wear make-up, she didn't see why she should have to sit hours having it put on her. She didn't need her hair curling, her nails trimming or her toenails painting! She also could decide for herself who her friends were. It wasn't as if she decided that anyone who spoke to her was instantly trustworthy. She had a good instinct for characters, and it had never let her down yet. However the Cullen's didn't trust her to know what she wanted. She had been right before, they saw her as a pet. Well, maybe Edward didn't, but he definitely didn't see her as an equal. She regretted the temper tantrum that she had thrown and her threat to divorce Edward, but she really did need to get away from him, from them all, for a while.

"Bella, love? I'm sorry and you were right. If you want to go to the reservation I'll drive you to get your truck so you can go." She floated closer to the surface, the pain came back full force. "Esme brought you a gift," she sank slightly again, Edwards voice grew panicked. "Bella! No love, please… listen, Esme has managed to get all your clothes back from the charity. She told them that Alice had given them the wrong things, please love, wake up and see!" the daylight filtered through her eyelids, but she still could not open her eyes. "Please love, I promise you I won't force you into anything or stop you from doing anything you want, just come back to me. Alice isn't allowed anywhere near you unless you say you want to see her!" She could hear the sobs in his voice.

Was it enough, though? Alice had been told before not to try and force her will upon her. That had lasted all of 2 months, and almost 6 weeks of that time she had been in Brazil and she had been unconscious in the hospital another week! Having the same argument every 7 days for the rest of eternity didn't appeal to her. She had never been one for conflict, preferring to hide away and avoid it. She had had a couple of brief rebellious periods, but they had quickly died after she realised how much power Renée really had over her, but she was not going to lay down and be walked upon any more.

"Bella?" cold marble hard lips kissed her fingers, she felt the electricity of the bond hum across her nerves, negating the pain in her chest slightly. "Just say the word and we will pack up and leave, we can go anywhere in the world you wish, just please my love, don't try and go without me." It wasn't fair. Why was SHE responsible for his happiness? Why couldn't he just let her go? She could not live the way he wanted her to, it wasn't fair that they should both be miserable. She remembered the quote again, "I used to think that it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe."

She should have a T-shirt made with it on, just to remind everyone else of that basic truth. Maybe the Buddhists were right, maybe she had done something terrible in a previous life and was paying for it in this one? Or maybe she was serving a penance for being born in the first place and ruining Renée's life as she always claimed? Wouldn't everyone be better off if she was no longer around? Charlie could go back to fishing each weekend and eating at the diner, without her trying to nag him into eating healthily. The Cullen's could go about their immortal lives, attending school or university without pause or drama. And maybe even Edward would be better off, maybe he would find that you could have more than one mate in a very long life, and the next person he fell in love with would be a vampire and worthy of him? She sank again, the pain retreated and she floated further away.

"What are you doing Edward?" Carlisle was there too? She felt herself being shaken again, almost to the point where she had to wake.

"You can hear it Carlisle, she is sinking. Her breathing has got steadily shallower over the last hour, her heart keeps skipping a beat. She is willing herself to die in order to get away from me."

"Edward, no. It wasn't just you, son. Don't blame yourself for it." Their voices seemed to come near and then retreat, like waves on the shore. She wasn't sure why they were, but when the voices seemed far away she felt less pain, the closer they were the more pain.

"I can sort it all out once and for all." Edward told his father, his voice low and serious. "I'm booking a flight to Florence. I will make sure she is free!"

"The Volturi?" Carlisle gasped. Volturi? She remembered that name… something to do with the vampire version of royalty, weren't they? Suddenly she remembered him explaining what would happen when she died. He had mentioned the Volturi then, that they would sometimes help someone who had lost their mate, by killing them!

"NO!" she gasped.

"Bella?" Cold hard hands wrapped around her and lifted her from the bed she was laid on. "Oh God Bella! Love." His lips pressed into her neck and shoulder and onto her face, peppering her with kisses.

Her eyes opened to see the subtle lighting of the bedroom of the cottage. "You promised!" her mouth was dry and her voice hoarse.

"Promised what?" Carlisle asked.

"He promised not to go to the Volturi." She said, Edward's face pulled out of her neck and she met his black gaze.

"I didn't promise, I said it would be a long time before it happened and then distracted you. I would not promise Bella, I can't live in a world where you don't exist."

She smoothed a hand down his face, tears ran from her eyes. "I can't be what you need me to be Edward, please don't give up everything just for me, your family have waited 50 years for you to return." Why couldn't they just leave her alone? If she had never met the Cullen's she was sure that Edward would have still returned. All she had done was complicate things. Alice! That was why she was here. Alice had seen some idealised version of the future and had worked for years to see it come to pass. Well hard lines Alice! She should know after such a long life that the ideal life doesn't exist.

"I don't care." His jaw set in a stubborn fashion. She could see Carlisle over his shoulder wince and nod at the same time.

He noticed her looking at him. "If it was me and the same decision had to be made, Esme or the family, I would chose Esme, it's the way vampires are built." He told her, he placed a hand on his son's shoulder. "As much as I would miss the children, my Mate has to come first. We will miss you. Maybe in a few years when things have settled, you will come back?" he sounded so hopeful. Bella felt the burn of the pain and the tingle of the bond both intensify.

"No, I won't be responsible for breaking up this family!" she promised him. "I can deal with Alice if I have to."

"It isn't just Alice though, Love, is it?" if vampires could cry she would swear Edward was crying. "You also have a problem with the way I…"

"I can do it." She interrupted him. "Hell. I lived with Renée all those years." She meant it as a sort of a joke and wasn't prepared for his reaction.

"Christ!" he jumped to his feet and paced around the small room so fast she could hardly see him. "Can you see what I mean?" he wasn't talking to her any more, Carlisle was looking sadly down at her.

"Bella, you have to think about yourself. If living with us is as bad as Renée was, then you MUST leave. Edward will take you anywhere you want to go, for as long as you need."

She sighed, tired, and lay back down against the soft pillows of the bed. "I don't know what I want." She said. Truly she didn't. As much as she felt that she wished to be left alone, she knew if they did leave her she would feel terrible. She had come to care for the Cullen's deeply. She may even say she loved them, but she could not live the way they wanted her to live.

"I don't want to leave Charlie yet," she said, the only thing she was certain about. "It's too soon. If we can get this thing sorted with the school I want to stay here, if not we can stay in Port Angeles."

"Do you want us to move?" Carlisle asked. "We can leave if you will feel better on your own here with Charlie and Edward." She shook her head. Why was it up to her? She almost cried inside as she thought of it. Why should she be the one to decide?

"Do you want to go visit Jacob?" Edward asked, "Get your grandmother's watch back?"

"Yes, I would like that." Some distance, that's what she needed, somewhere quiet to work out her feelings without the constant questions.

"Your truck is still at the police station, I'll give you a lift and then you can go to the reservation." She looked at Carlisle gratefully.

She got to her feet, and almost fell back on the bed as blackness surrounded her, Only Edward holding onto her stopped her from collapsing.

"Bella? Are you OK? Carlisle?"

"Don't panic, it's just because she has been laid down for some time and got up too quick."

Edward examined her closely, she felt very uncomfortable under his gaze, as if he was studying a bug under a microscope. She hoped that it wouldn't make him decide she wasn't fit to drive. He held up the plaid shirt that had started the argument earlier and when she smiled slightly at him he beamed broadly as if she had given him the world.

He opened the closet, on his side the shelves were still packed, but on hers only her own clothes were there, taking up a pathetic amount of space. She touched her favourite jeans and the horrid, baggy thick green sweater that she had bought just to piss Renée off back in Phoenix.

They were all there, and none of the things Alice bought, even the ones she had accepted when she first moved to Washington, except the coat. She felt a pang of guilt at the waste of money, but hey! Edward kept saying she should spend some of their money, maybe Rose and Esme would like to go shopping with her? To buy the sort of clothes SHE liked? She immediately felt petty for leaving Alice out of the trip she was planning, but she couldn't cope with her at the moment, maybe she would be better off shopping on her own?

Edward helped her put her parka on, without saying a word about her going out earlier without it. She thanked him, more for his silence than for his help. He seemed to know what she meant and said nothing, just kissed the back of her neck as he pulled the garment higher, she shuddered and the electric of the bond, at full force now the pain had receded, tingled along all her nerves.

She didn't remember deciding to stay with Edward, but the mating bond seemed to think she had and the pain was no longer present.

Carlisle already had the engine running as she allowed Edward to open the car door to let her in, she laid her head back on the headrest, the car was warm and comfortable, unlike her truck. But no amount of comfort could replace the fact that Charlie had bought her the beast.

They drove in silence to the police station and Edward gave her the keys to her truck.

"I'm sorry." Was all he said as she got out and climbed into the truck. The roar of the engine comforted her. She saw Charlie come out of the station, but she didn't want to stop and talk to him, after all he too had ignored her wishes.

She put it into reverse, backed out of the space and onto the highway and headed west.

She didn't see the small red house as she passed through the reservation, so she headed straight for the car park overlooking the ocean. The waves were massive and the wind was rather fierce out on the exposed shore. Three surfers braved the elements and rode their boards, disappearing under the ice cold water for minutes at a time. She shivered just thinking about it. A knock on the window of the truck made her jump.

"Hey Bella, back from wherever it was?" Jacob grinned at her and a tension she hadn't realised was there loosened.

She gestured with her head and he went around and climbed into the truck. "What'ya doin'?" he asked.

"Escaping." She sighed. He frowned.

"Something wrong with Dr. Fang and his coven of leeches?" he asked, she slapped his arm and almost hurt herself.

"No, just… I needed some space." She told him. "I actually came to get my watch, but thought I could spend an hour or so on the beach."

"Not the best time to go walking," he looked at her and raised an eyebrow, "there's a storm due in, and seeing your record with walking around here, maybe you'd be best staying in the truck?" he grinned at her and she couldn't help but grin back.

"Maybe you're right, to be honest as soon as I got here I decided to stay in the warm," one of the surfers suddenly rose metres into the air and plummeted into the cold water. "look at those idiots!" she pointed. "They must be freezing!"

"That's Sam, Jared and Paul, don't worry about them they don't feel the cold."

"Wolves?" she asked. Jacob looked at her and didn't reply. "have you… are you… did you. Jacob!" she eventually said, exasperated because she didn't know how to ask the question.

"Yes, I phased." Jacob told her. "It's not something we want known in the general population." He warned, "Most of the tribe still think that the spirit warriors are just myth, we don't want them to know any different."

"How many know?" she asked, lowering her voice to almost a whisper. Jacob laughed and she blushed.

"The council of elders know and the families of the ones who have already phased."

"There's four of you now?" she asked.

"Six," he corrected, "And probably three more about to change. They are showing the signs."

"And have any … imprinted?" she wasn't sure of the word.

"Sam," he nodded out of the window to the largest of the men surfing, the only one visible at that time. "As soon as he phased he imprinted on Emily, he had been engaged to Leah up to then, but the imprint can't be denied." He shrugged and looked at her closely.

"Has anyone ever tried?" she asked.

"Tried what?" he asked.

"Resisting the imprint."

"NO!" he almost gasped in shock, "Why on earth would anyone try and refuse true love? Total love?" She blushed. "Things aren't all ok with you and the lee… with Edward?" he stated.

"It was fine when we were on the island." She cried, "It's just when we got back and Alice started interfering… and then Charlie didn't…" tears clogged her throat. Jacob looked at her sympathetically.

"Yeah, imagine how Sam felt, he imprints on Emily and has to break up with Leah, they had been together for years. Added to which, Emily is Leah's cousin and was living at their house when it happened."

Wow, Bella silently considered that. How would she feel if Edward had been close to someone else before her, someone who was still around? Talk about awkward!

"The thing is, no one in Leah's family has phased, and her father wouldn't allow us to tell her what happened, so she was one bitter woman! And now she is making everyone's life a misery, especially her father and brother."

"Poor Leah."

"We all spent a couple of weeks building them a house so that Emily could move out and be with Sam without having Leah around all the time." He laughed at something in his mind, but shook his head when she asked him what it was with a look.

"No one else then?" She asked, "none of the rest of you have imprinted?"

"Legend says it is quite rare, only one or two in a generation actually imprint." He told her. "Though it sounds wonderful, in a way I hope it doesn't happen to me, Sam is whipped, I mean REALLY whipped. Everything Emily asks, he just has to do, even if he doesn't really want to. She just raises her finger and he's drooling at her feet to obey." He laughed and Bella winced, knowing that she had the same power over Edward.