Chapter V
Dangerous chemistry
You're pushing and pulling me down to you
But I don't know what I want
Now when I caught myself
I had to stop myself
From saying something
That I should've never thought
Paramore - I Caught Myself"Bells, I thought it would be nice to visit Emily and Sam. They have already returned from Seattle. The weather is good, so the whole pack decided to make a bonfire in the evening. What do you think?" I felt good in their company and this idea appealed to me very much, so I called Charlie that I would be back late, and I was ready for a walk.
"And where is everyone? Aren't they coming with us?"
"Bells, don't you know our appetite yet? Embry and the boys went to the store. Emily's refrigerator would not even manage to fit the necessary amount of sausages. We will go on our own. I promise to behave." He added with a smile.
"I don't promise anything, Jake," I winked at him.
The boys were already packing up for the car when Paul stuck his head out the window and shouted after us, "Bells, just no berries! If you get stained, Chief 'Hot Lips' won't give you a moment's peace."
They drove away laughing at the joke. We set off through the forest in the opposite direction.
It was late afternoon and, tired from the day's sunshine, we were relieved by the coolness that prevailed among the dense trees. I had never been to this part of the forest before. In the reserve, the vegetation was seemingly more lush than in the Forks forests.
The crowns of the tall trees probably provided so much shade that the litter was mostly soft moss. We could hear the soft rustling of leaves moved by the evening wind and the chirping of birds bidding farewell to the ending day.
"Bells..." broke the silence of Jake. "What were you thinking about while watching our soccer fooling around?"
"About you!" I answered shortly.
"Those were such classic cosmic thoughts, I hope? " he joked.
"Jacob, to be honest, they were thoughts that in a way sum up the last few months of my, or rather our, life."
"I don't know if I want to know them..."
I didn't say anything, but I acknowledged him in spirit. I already knew him enough to know that patience is not his strong point, and unfortunately I still couldn't make a statement in any way.
He paused.
"Bells... let's assume that you need some more time... I can wait. I mean... hmm... it's not in my nature and I'm not overly happy about it, but if that's what your condition is, then ok, I agree. It's just that... I would like to know if I have any chance. I mean, under normal circumstances I would have thought long ago that I have, but our history doesn't quite follow common scenarios. Namely, you know, usually the rival is not an effeminate vampire and usually the intimacy doesn't start with moans of pleasure, well, and mostly when someone says "no", he doesn't later put the other person's tongue in his mouth and..."
"Jake, shut up!"
Normally he knocked me off my feet with his disjointed speech. He made me laugh! He had a boyish uncertainty in his eyes, like a pubescent youngster before a first date. He smiled shyly, looking into my eyes, and chattered away about things that made me blush. An unexpected wave of warm feelings flooded me.
"Come on over here, chief 'Hot Lips,' and instead of getting into a verbal tizzy, use your strongest arguments."
Watching his silly-happy face was priceless. We both burst out laughing.
"Ok, Bells, I'm serious here, and you're just talking about sex. And in all seriousness. I'm starting to get lost. I never know when I'm going to get hit in the face and when I'm going to get a kiss."
I fell silent, because what to say. Jacob was right. I could, of course, try to explain it to him, to be honest about my own dilemmas, about the internal struggle between my heart, soul and body, but I knew I was only hurting him by doing so. I had to remain silent, for Jacob clearly had something else to say. He took my hand and we sat on the trunk of a gale-turned tree.
Still holding my hand, he looked seriously into my eyes and said, "Bella, I'm only human, I can't switch instantly from a climate of kisses to a climate of casual friendship. You are like saffron to me, you know? The most expensive of spices, you turn an ordinary day into the most exquisite fever of taste. It's just that... I don't like to think that such finesse is not for me."
I literally gasped when I heard this comparison. I didn't deserve either of them, yet they both saw their future in me.
"Jake, if I am like saffron, then you are like crystal clear spring water. Without water, there are no flavors, no mosses, no ferns, no birdsong, because there is no... life."
Except that you, Bells, don't dream of life, do you?"
Looking into his sad eyes, carrying again all the burden of not being able to make the right decision, I suddenly felt even more lost than two days ago. Jacob, seeing the glassy gaze, took my face in his hands and with a slight smile said, "The heart wants what it wants... I know something about that, but I swear I won't let you go."
I snuggled into his arms. I wanted so much to prolong indefinitely this carefree state that had accompanied me all weekend. However, I didn't resent Jacob for starting this difficult topic for me. He had a right to know where he was at. And I was afraid to give him hope, because I couldn't hurt him indefinitely.
Normally a friend confides his most intimate feelings... however, what then, if those feelings are precisely about him? If this were a Greek tragedy, I should have experienced catharsis in a moment. Instead, I felt my tear run down his neck.
"Bells... don't cry, for now no one has died," he whispered in my ear.
I moved away from him and said, "if anyone had the power to snatch me from death, it's you."
"Bells... that means I got the green light?"
"Jake, you always had it. You are the closest friend to me, and in this rare case, it doesn't help at all. I wish sometimes I could just selfishly take what you give me. Meanwhile, I can't, because I'm afraid of hurting you later, you, in turn, perceive my inhibitions as rejection. Jake, I just don't know how to take responsibility for my own 'yes' or 'no' at the moment, although, believe me, I would love to."
"Let's assume that I take the risk of suffering after rejection. Will you then also take evasive action when I start reaching out to you? Hmm... I assume that's my trump card," he smiled radiantly, "and I won't hesitate to use it."
Well, even if I wanted to, I couldn't deny it. I already had too much evidence that the longing of my whole for his touch can drown out the remnants of common sense.
"Let's consider, purely theoretically, that we get to each other with similar frequency. Which time will you send me to psychotherapy? That is, will every touch signal to you that I am yours forever?"
"Suppose I voluntarily submit to all these fitness tests. How many times will you want to shout out " Oh Yeah... More, Jake!" before you admit that you ARE mine forever?"
"Black, you are unbearable!"
"Since we're just theorizing, how about getting on with the practice?" he concluded with a sassy smile.
"It's getting dark, we should have been at Emily's by now."
"With me you won't get lost, no worries," he said and smiled enticingly. He didn't ask me any longer, just kissed me gently on the lips. I was surprised, because the kiss was as light as a swoon, not at all his style. He looked at my face squinting, as if he was looking at a new acquisition for his art collection, focused his gaze on my lips and kissed me a second time.
Taking his time, clearly savoring it, he gently touched his lips to mine, as if to assess their taste, shape, softness. Then he flicked the tip of his tongue between my lips, ending this caress with another very gentle kiss.
I felt like more, but he interrupted, closed his eyelids for a moment and said, "I was right... you give flavor to every moment. You know, it's much better to kiss you without being afraid that you will immediately run away screaming to call the exorcist."
And then he got up and, much to my disappointment, suggested we go on. I was grinding my teeth in anger and he was saying something about the boys eating sausages. I was absolutely sure he was doing it on purpose, but well, once a day of harassment from me was enough. Too much!
Fifteen minutes later we arrived at Emily and Sam's. Almost everything was ready and the fire was starting to burn, casting a flickering light on the faces of the pack members gathered around. When Emily saw us, she got up, kissed me hello, and said she was kidnapping me into the kitchen for a moment to help her prepare the food. Jake sat next to Sam and we walked towards the house.
I felt her presence soothe me. It was something like sisterly love, partly due to a certain convergence of fate. I asked her directly about her relationship with Sam, hoping she wouldn't find it too prying. She thought for a moment and looked at me with a smile and said:
"Bella, I didn't ask for this love either, it was given to me just like you." Often it is not easy to accept such a gift, especially when at first it does not seem to us something valuable, but rather a burden. By taking Sam into my heart, I hurt Leah, who was like a sister to me, but now I know that even though I should burn in hell for it, even a short life with him is worth the eternal torment. With Sam, I felt my soul fill with colors, as if I had once been a sketch, just the outline of a human being, and with him became the work of a master. It brought out all the good in me that I could offer the world.
"Em, why did Sam imprint on you and not on Leah? He knew her first. Isn't it cruel that someday, when you fall in love, your instinct tells you to leave that person for someone genetically superior?"
"Bella, imprinting serves to prolong the species, it is nature that pushes wolves towards the person who will give him children with wolf characteristics in the future. Leah…she's infertile. If she could have children, she would probably be by Sam's side."
God, I felt sorry for her.
"Sam fell in love with me and won my love, even though it was against him at first. He knew how he was hurting her, but imprinting was nature's cruel joke. You can't fight it, anyway, I don't have wolf blood in me and I don't know if I can explain to you what it feels like. But I know that from now on, man will renounce himself and will do anything to win this love. Even if he had to lose his mind and leave ashes behind."
"What if the person imprinted on dies?"
"It seems that imprinting is taking place again. Nature has been kind in this regard." She smiled.
"What Jake feels for me isn't imprinted… is it?" I asked shyly.
"No, Bells ... But probably only because Jake is the alpha male and the leader of the pack does not survive imprinting."
"Why?" I asked curiously.
"He must be able to maintain clarity of thinking throughout his life, which would not be entirely possible with such a strong feeling for another human being. You know, it's about group responsibility."
I don't know why, but I felt a little relieved.
"You know, Bella, I think these stories of great fulfilled or tragic loves are kind of repetitive. In every latitude there will be a Sam, a damaged Leah, someone like you and me, endowed with a burning feeling, and someone like Jacob, fighting for the meaning of his own existence. However, in this magical world of ours, everything is multiplied. Here you love to death, tear your enemies to pieces, and give your life for your friends. In our world, not only is the blood hotter..."
After a moment of silence, Emily looked at her watch and smiled, "It's time to take those sausages to the hungry people."
"Emily… thank you for telling me so much."
"I'm glad I could help you understand them," she said, and walked briskly towards the kitchen. I was pondering. I remembered Emily's words about her feelings for Sam. Jake gave me life, too, literally when he pulled me out of the water after a bad cliff jump, and emotionally when Edward left for the first time and I wanted to annihilate myself. He was always with me, even when I rejected him, he returned or waited patiently for me to return. And what's more... I'm ashamed to admit it, I was still physically short of it.
We returned to the company. The boys were talking about their plans for the next weekend, then reminiscing about Saturday's party and commenting in detail on each of the girls in my pack. I must have been spending too much time with them because they didn't even notice my presence. Jake, without asking permission, put his head on my lap and stared lazily at the stars, not missing a single opportunity to nibble on his friends. But as time passed inexorably, I began to think about Charlie, tomorrow's wake-up call for school, the pile of unpressed items, and the literature assignment. It was time to go back home. I asked Jake to drive me in Emily's car to him so I could grab my dirty clothes and switch to my own car. He agreed, of course, and got up to take the keys from Emily.
Suddenly I caught a glimpse of Leah in the darkness, joined us without saying a word, and sat down next to Seth. I didn't notice her at first because she was wearing black shorts and a brown tank top, so she looked like a shadow in the darkness. She had no shoes, and in her hair you could see individual needles from trees growing in the forest. She exuded inaccessibility and pride. She didn't say a word to anyone, staring into the fire with an unreadable expression on her face. The regret I felt listening to Emily's story faded away. It was impossible to sympathize with her, happy or not, she was in full control of her life. As I was saying goodbye to everyone and getting into Jake's car, Leah suddenly stood up and walked over to me. She looked at me sternly in the eyes and said quietly enough for only me to hear:
"I do not advise you to walk ALONE in the forests of La Push. Unless you can't wait to die."
She turned on her heel and walked calmly towards the dark wall of trees. I stood dumbfounded, staring at the upright figure, and wondered if she had joined us just to warn me. Guard against whom? in front of you?
I got into the car. I hadn't told Jacob what Leah had told me and hoped he wouldn't ask about it. In fact, we started talking about plans for next week. School ended on Wednesday, so carefree laziness began on Thursday. Unfortunately, not for us, because we were both moonlighting with odd jobs: Jake planned to spend some time in the workshop, and I was traditionally on duty at Mike's parents' store.
"Bells, I hope you'll be a frequent visitor to La Push, everyone loves you here."
"You know, I feel like a really welcome guest here." Maybe with a little exception, I thought.
"Are you sure you don't want me to give you a ride home?" You can leave the van, Charlie will drop you off tomorrow."
I thought for a moment. I wasn't afraid to drive at night, but I didn't feel like saying goodbye to him just yet.
"Okay, Jake, let's just stop by for my clothes. It's not every day I come home in a men's T-shirt and borrowed shorts."
I folded my things at Jake's and put them in a paper shopping bag, glanced around the kitchen to make sure nothing was left, said goodbye to Billy, and drove on. In the car, my eyes fell on the pile of records on the floor beneath my feet. Well, Emily apparently had as much respect for order in the car as I did. I got a Kosheen CD in my hand.
"Jake, do you all like this kind of music?"
"This is the record Sam got from Leah recently. Put it on, listen to the track "Cruelty", you'll understand why such a choice" he laughed softly.
I put this track on and listened to the melody, it was strong and dark, but it didn't overshadow the lyrics.
Sweet untouchable you
You gave me the runaround
All you say and what you do
picks me up and leaves me hanging
(...)
Sweet unstoppable you
Send my system crashing
All you say is not what you do
You just keep on pickin' me up and leaving me
(...)
Do you call, do you call that loving me?
I thought that there are people in my life who could dedicate this song to me...
The second track is the one Jacob drove me crazy to while dancing sensually with Leah at last night's party: "Hide you."
Jacob was looking at the road, but I could see him smiling devilishly. Scoundrel!
"What made you remember?"
"I won't deny it out of politeness," he muttered, clearly amused.
"Better concentrate on the steering wheel."
"Wasp!"
" Asshole!"
"Woman, how beautiful you are when your'e angry - he purred and, as if for a joke, put his hand on my bare thigh.
"I promised no more fisticuffs, so be careful what you do."
"I know a cool way to relieve tension," he said in the same tone.
"Then go back and unload Leah, this one will definitely come in handy!"
"Your jealousy turns me on, I think we'll make a stop, what do you say?"
"Idiot!"
"Ok, we don't have to stop, a little risk will raise the temperature a few more degrees" he concluded and with his free hand he unbuckled first his belt, then mine.
"Jacob, stop fooling around, I still have a nice life."
He looked at me and said with a smile, "Yeah?" This is progress! He still wasn't going to stop, and he wasn't going to stop touching me either.
"Jake, stop, I'm getting off! I'd rather walk the rest of the way than ride with a suicidal pervert."
He laughed and finally found a cove off the road where we could park.
"Bells, give me my T-shirt before you get out," he said before I reached for the doorknob.
"You will never convince me to undress!"
"It's always worth trying," he replied with a mischievous smile. "Okay, let's compromise, I'll drive you home nicely, but I'll take the T-shirt myself!"
I didn't have time to protest, because he was already beside me and slipped both hands under the fabric of my blouse to pull it off me. I hadn't worn a bra since morning, which he obviously knew, so I defended myself as much as I could against this attack. It was hard for me to keep a straight face as Jacob literally laughed at my attempts to peel his hot hands off me. The laugh was contagious, and soon I was giggling myself. God... I loved seeing him so amused.
Emily's car had three interconnecting seats in the front and Jacob slipped one hand under my buttocks and pulled me as close as he could, and as I was still struggling to free myself, we both lost our balance and Jacob landed on top of me as a result of the whole action. taking away my ability to breathe for a moment.
"You should have said right away you wanted to be down there," he whispered in my ear in an amused tone.
"I'm afraid you have to give up for now." I feel a sense of mission...
He propped himself up on his forearms so I could breathe and whispered in my ear causing goosebumps all over my body.
"Bells, I've changed my mind, I'm more interested in shorts than a T-shirt. I think I have to, I just have to, return them to Leah… You know, I feel what she feels, telepathy, remember? So understand that getting those pants back is almost a priority." He chattered into my ear earnestly as he tried to undo the buttons on my shorts with one hand.
"Jesus, I wish there were more of them," he sighed. "Well, I'm going to subject this clasp to a closer examination."
He got up and bent over my stomach. He kissed me near my belly button, then a little lower…and lower.
"Jake, what are you…?"
"Shhh..."
He slowly undid the buttons on my shorts, slipped them off my hips, and looked pleased at the result of his work. Freeing my body from one layer of clothes, however, was not enough for him and he gently kissed me in the place where the lace of the panties began. My heart was pounding like crazy and I knew from experience that he knew exactly how these caresses affected me. I felt no shame, although two days ago such a scene would not even have occurred to me. I felt myself burning between my thighs. I was ready to beg, beg for a touch. Jake read my mind and didn't let me wait. I didn't feel like controlling myself, I wanted to let him do whatever he wanted, he was driving me crazy with the gentle movements of his tongue.
I liked the fact that he enjoyed it himself, sometimes looking into my eyes, looking for confirmation of pleasure. My breath quickened, one hand tangled in his thick hair, the other held in his hand. For those few minutes, he was my only link to reality. There was only my body, his mouth and pleasure. "Yes, I'm not hiding..." he heard there again "Jake ... more ..."
Later, after all, I lay in his arms for a long time. I was only able to whisper "You are the end of the world and its beginning for me. You hit me, breaking into billions of molecules, then reconnecting each time differently."
Jake smiled and just said, "It's midnight, Bella."
We really had to go back.
Charlie was waiting for me outside the house.
" Isabella! Do you know what time it is? You're going to school tomorrow, right? Isabella?!" Oh, he was mad as hell.
"It's my fault, Charlie. I insisted on driving Bella home, and then we lost track of time trying out Emily's new car stereo," Jacob added innocently. In fact, the EQUIPMENT worked great.
Charlie smiled slightly, as he always did when he recalled his own youthful excesses, and in a gentle tone added "Thank you for being so kind. I was worried that Bella would drive home alone at night. Now it's time for bed, kids. Vacations are only three days away!"
"Good night, Charlie. Good night, Bells."
"Hey Jake! Thanks for the… lift." I bit my tongue to keep from bursting out laughing.
"The pleasure is all mine."
For the love of God, he did everything he could to screw me up in front of my father.
I turned and followed my dad meekly, who happily said,
"What a nice young man. Billy raised him well, so kind!"
"Yes ... a true altruist." I muttered quietly under my breath, humbly following Charlie towards the entrance. But I could have sworn I heard Jake chuckle as he got into the car. So he had good hearing.
Monday
I did not dream of anythihg. I must have been so exhausted by the various impressions of the previous two days that my mind mercifully let go of my dreams.
I got up earlier than I had to, made Charlie breakfast, brushed my hair more carefully than usual, put on light makeup, put on a short white dress, one of two I own, and in high spirits called Jessica to pick me up on the way to school. I was almost bursting with energy, which did not go unnoticed by my friend, because last month I was in exactly the opposite mood.
"Well, how was your Sunday, Bells? I slept until noon until my parents got worried, but I'm telling you, it's worth it, Saturday's party was great, don't you think? And the reservation company, bomb! Of course, this Black one beats everyone, don't you agree? Jesus, how handsome he is, and his ass could advertise Guess jeans, right? Anyway, it's all munchable, although I'll tell you Embry's fine too, have you seen Jared's chest? These guys are great, damn, I think I'm going to get lost in their woods, maybe one of them will find me... Bells, what are you saying nothing?"
"Jess, are you giving me a chance?" I laughed out loud.
"Ok, as usual, but I'm me... All right, what did you do yesterday?"
" I spent the whole day with Jacob's friends."
"You devil! You don't waste a minute! One's barely left and you're already robbing Forks of another cutie!"
"Jess, it's not that simple. Jake is not my boyfriend and Edward is not gone forever."
"Okay, okay, that doesn't make me less envious of the views you had all to yourself yesterday." Lucky!"
I wanted to laugh at Jessica's elation, although on the other hand I felt an unpleasant stab in my heart at the thought that this devil probably affects all women the same way. Edward also attracted female glances, but he was unapproachable and any potential rival was startled by his coldness. Jake was his opposite, attracted like a magnet, the joy of life spread to everyone who was in his company, and the usual, courteous interest in the interlocutor could easily be mistaken for curiosity of another type. I'm jealous?
I stopped these unpleasant thoughts when class started and was relieved to hear my buddies' words about the upcoming end of term. The good mood is back. Not for long...