Chapter VIII

I want to tell you that...

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched.

They must be felt with the heart.

Helen Keller

When we got home, Leah and Quil, who were going to start the daily patrol with Jacob, were already waiting for us. Leah was very tense and paced restlessly up and down the clearing in front of the Black house. Jacob, seeing her silhouette through the open window of the car, shouted, "Relax, it's okay." She was clearly worried about him.

Always looking at these strange relationships, I wondered what really connects them. She was older than Jacob, who seemed to respect her, as did everyone in the group, probably because of her peculiar manner. Leah treated everyone almost the same: contemptuously, he was the only one who favored her. Watching them from the sidelines, I sometimes saw that maybe the time Jacob couldn't snatch me from Edward's arms was so similar to her own situation that a broken heart brought them together.

Seeing us, Leah's face brightened a bit, as if the tension had gone from her body. She was relieved. She sat on the steps and waited for us to get off. Jacob put his hand on her shoulder and said he'd be ready in a minute as soon as he talked to Billy for a moment. He went into the house and we were left alone as Quil followed Jacob.

I remembered my dreams perfectly, and I remembered her warnings, but I didn't care what she might do to me at the moment. I was so depressed and resigned after today's fight that I sat down next to her. I would welcome any attempt to bite my throat with relief right now. I looked at her profile. She was beautiful, and in the light of the setting sun her perfect face looked almost unreal.

"What?" she growled.

"Why do you hate me?" I asked calmly. I was surprised myself that the question crossed my mind.

"You're wrong even on that," she replied haughtily, and I, like everyone around her, felt like an idiot.

"And in what else?"

"You are so close to Jacob, you have him at your fingertips, and yet you act as if he has never been introduced to you. Do those to whom love is given never respect it?"

"I think I've ruined everything that could have been between me and Jacob recently," I said, still not believing the strange scene was real.

"NO."

"NO?" The girl obviously knew how to answer laconically.

"NO. Bella, don't compare your world to what's around you here. The feelings of wolves can't just be suppressed. We have simple hearts where there is little room for fear and much room for love. Hmm... anyway, I probably shouldn't talk about feelings and relationships at all. This sphere of life just won't concern me anymore." She made a gesture as if to get up and leave.

"Stay." I instinctively grabbed her hand. She was on fire. "Leah, what if you meet someone you imprint on?You knew Sam before you became part of the pack, so you were never imprinted on him. So true love is probably still ahead of you."

"You do not know anything about me! Bella, nothing in my life is as it should be, and I haven't yet had a man to imprint on. And do you know why? For imprinting is for the procreation of life, and I am barren. I don't want to talk about it anymore." she hissed.

We heard Jacob and Quil leaving the house. Soon the three of them would go to the forest. Leah stood up and buried her black eyes in my face.

"Bella," she said forcefully."Make sure no one dies because of your recklessness. First of all, yourself."

And she left, cold and haughty, as if our conversation had never happened.

The setting sun was already grazing the tops of the tallest trees, and I was still sitting on the front steps, right where Leah had left me, thinking about our conversation. I was surprised that he was so well versed in my conflict with Jacob. She had some insight into his thoughts, though I know she was the only member of the pack who rarely used this gift. She herself has repeatedly said out loud that the only sensible person in the group is herself, so she is not going to listen to the rest. She was so secretive that they couldn't always sneak into her mind either. Jacob was the opposite of her in that regard, and everyone laughed that he broadcast like a radio station about whatever was on his mind.

There, on the stairs, she was talking about respecting feelings. In fact, making a deeper examination of conscience, I couldn't help noticing that lately I've been mostly busy experiencing my dilemmas, mourning broken illusions, and I haven't given much thought to Jacob's feelings. Well, he got me used to them being constant. I guess it was my responsibility to change his behavior. He had had enough. How could I expect a hot-blooded teenager to approach my problems with the patience of a mature man? He had the right to be angry, he had the right to punish me, reject me, take offense.

He deserved the truth, but in order for him to hear it, I had to dare to speak. Why didn't I do it while in his arms? Everything was harder now, and if I could, I'd turn back time to when Jake reminded me of the existence of the sun. It now reminded me of thick air just before the first lightning flash. sparked. His emotions seemed to have no outlet. Before, he talked, sometimes even too much, joked, fooled around ... and now he was silent.

If these were the last moments of my life, I wanted to spend them differently. Certainly not silently alone. I made my decision. If Jacob won't talk to me, I'll talk to him! Even with a megaphone! With the last of my strength, reading, tidying up his room, making sandwiches in quantities sufficient to satisfy the appetites of all members of the pack for the next week, I lasted until two in the morning, knowing that at that time the guard was changing, and he would probably go home to sleep. I was about to leave the room and sit in front of the house when we bumped into the door.

"What about you? are you sleepwalking?"

"I've been waiting for you," I said uncertainly. I wished I was bigger, and if he tried to back out, I wouldn't be able to stop him.

"Is something keeping you awake at night?"

"I want to talk to you seriously."

"Sounds scary, but forgive me, Bells, I'm tired, hungry and dirty. Even if you personally scrub me, feed me, and give me a relaxing massage, I'm afraid I'll fall asleep at the first word. Tomorrow ok?"

"Jacob Black! Your manners require you to listen to me. The woman is talking to you! Older woman!" I used a new argument.

Strangely, he laughed, which I took for granted. "Okay, you disarmed me with this introduction. Say what you wanted to say."

I put my hands on my sides, assuming what I thought was a threatening pose. "I want you to tell me why you behave differently than before. Are you still mad about Edward?"

"You were supposed to talk, not me." He took my words.

"Jake, for the last few days I've been feeling that you were kidnapped by a UFO and returned the dummy back to me! You're different!"

"Am I to understand that you were crazy about the previous Jake?" There was irony in the tone.

"Ha! I can't even talk to you normally!"

"So maybe it's time to let go of the talk, huh?" He was getting tense again.

I felt it was now or never.

"Okay, it was supposed to be in a different frame, but if not, then no, I'm taking this rare opportunity when you haven't yet discouraged me enough to tell you …"

"That?" He was leaning against the kitchen counter and devouring the top pyramid sandwich I had prepared for him with a dismissive expression.

"That I love you, you idiot!"

You'd expect choking, wild outbursts of joy, fireworks... But nothing happened. He swallowed, looking at me searchingly, as if not quite believing that I was me and not a dream apparition.

He tilted his head, smiled shyly and quietly asked, "Repeat this."

"I love you." I repeated.

"Once again."

"I love you."

"Hmm... are you sure you know what you're talking about, and you're not caused by the onset of mental illness, recent shock, or fatigue?" he joked.

"Jake... please. You probably knew that."

"I wanted it to be like that. I beseeched those unspoken words to finally make a sound. But... No, I didn't know." He smiled.

He smiled in the way I missed. Radiant... It illuminated the dim kitchen. I don't know if my Jacob has returned or just visited his old self for a moment. But I knew for sure, looking into his happy eyes, that it WAS WORTH the risk. Perhaps I expected reassurances that he loves me too, that everything will be fine between us now, that tomorrow we will start a new day, others because CONFIDENT of mutual feelings, that the thought has finally acquired a body, that the world has different colors than a minute ago. .. but no.

He stared at me without a word, as if afraid to disturb the moment with even a whisper. He stared and hardly breathed, as if I might be startled by the slightest movement of the air and fly away like a timid butterfly. He stood and was silent. I was silent too.

After a while he broke the silence himself, "And... won't I wake up in a minute?"

"You'll wake up in the morning if I let you sleep at all," I whispered. And I added playfully, "Jacob, you know we're home alone? Your father is fishing with Charlie... So I guess you won't get any sleep after all."

He laughed, took my hand and dragged me into the bathroom, saying, "So I had a good plan after all: food, bath and massage." On the way, however, he stopped and took a few steps back.

"What are you doing?" I asked him suprised.

So much food left...

"Oh, not now! If you deserve it, you'll get it!" I blocked the entrance to the kitchen with my arms.

Jake swiftly swung me over his shoulder, rolled up another sandwich, and carried me back to the bathroom.

"You know what's best? That we don't have to hurry," he murmured in a sensual voice.