I Am He That Aches with Love
Following the canonverse of the TV show….things are getting serious between Wylan and Jesper. They've just taken part in Kaz's successful revenge scheme against Pekka Rollins and are ready to relax – perhaps going together to Poppy's show. Or perhaps something more intimate, just the two of them. But before anything more intimate can happen, Wylan has something important that he has to tell Jesper – and he's scared to do so.
Title is from a Walt Whitman poem
Wylan leads the way back into his workshop, carrying a box of supplies. Jesper follows closely behind. Wylan's heart feels so much lighter now. The Crows' plan worked, they all made it – and the boy Alby is safe. There's a confidence in his step too, knowing his role in the successful job. No, it's not just that. The confidence also comes from realizing that his feelings towards Jesper are reciprocated. The look upon Jesper's face when Wylan played piano had confirmed what his gut told him. Jesper was as smitten as Wylan himself was.
"So how does it feel to be a free man again?" Wylan asks.
"It feels amazing. Like the world is full of possibilities," Jesper answers.
From Jesper's tone, Wylan guesses that he too is feeling the relief and exhilaration that comes from a job well done. Jesper's exuberant voice, his zest for life, makes Wylan's heart sing. It always has.
"Such as?" Wylan asks, setting the box down upon the worktable.
"A decadent night on the town. Club Cumulus is often a fun time. And my friend Poppy has a new show at the Blue Paradise."
Jesper's voice and face give away just enough so that Wylan knows what is coming next, knows how much Jesper will want Wylan to say yes. The man almost looks bashful as if he's nearly shamed by his want for Wylan's company!
"Which I've been dying to see so um….you could come with me?" Jesper gets the words out.
And there it is. Jesper has put his cards on the table and made it clear how much he wants to continue to spend time with Wylan.
Wylan lets out an exhalation and ducks under the table. He has to collect himself, to absorb all of this. Ducking down allows him to break off eye contact for a moment. But Wylan does manage to respond, "Sure."
Jesper's offer is – like the man himself – completely irresistible. Wylan is having feelings, and it's clear that Jesper is having feelings too, and Wylan has no doubt that right now they both want to be brushing their lips together and running fingers through each other's hair. Whispering delightful ideas into each other's ears.
But there are two things that Wylan needs to get across to Jesper. One of them is an explanation for why he left after their hookup. And oh and what a hookup it was! Although far too brief, it had been a magnificent array of soft kisses, the thrill of naked skin on naked skin, and Wylan both giving and receiving the best head he'd ever had. Jesper's lips and tongue had been the stuff of legends.
The second thing will be a bit trickier to explain and a good measure scarier. So Wylan starts with the first, and it goes well; he and Jesper seem to easily get onto the same page. He tells Jesper that he left after their night together because he assumed that that was what Jesper was going to do, the assumption that Jesper wouldn't want anything more. Jesper is understanding, admitting that he might very well have left Wylan first. But he makes it clear that since he's gotten to know Wylan, he wants more.
And before Wylan can even form words to discuss the second issue, he finds that all reason has fled along with any desire for verbal communication. He is all instinct and passion and craving for Jesper's touch now. He is rushing into Jesper's arms and they are kissing and he doesn't want to think of anything else. He's leading Jesper to the lumpy old bed he sleeps upon, and soon they are both giggling as Jesper flips him onto his back.
Their previous hookup fades in comparison to what happens tonight. Now that they know each other, now that Wylan is certain that he is "in very deep like" with Jesper and that Jesper absolutely feels the same way, their lovemaking is even more thrilling and fulfilling. This time it is not just a connection of hungry bodies but also of two souls who find each other lovable and intriguing and worthy of devotion. It is clear from the way Jesper sweetly takes the time to kiss a nipple or to nibble on an earlobe that this is not going to be just about a rush towards release.
Wylan finds himself luxuriating in each kiss even as his body demands more. And Jesper is really, really good at tending to the needs of their bodies too.
"May I go first this time?" Wylan whispers. "I mean, take you in my mouth first?"
Jesper nods, and Wylan works his way downwards. He eagerly takes Jesper's shaft, tonguing the tip of it, playing with its head. He loves doing this, bringing pleasure to his partner – to Jesper! – in this way. He strokes the length as his mouth works on more and more of the rigid cock. His own body is throbbing but he ignores it for now, focusing on Jesper's pleasure and his moans. And his impending orgasm. Jesper warns when he's about to spill, and Wylan stays on it the entire time. When they switch places and Wylan finds himself upon his back once more, Jesper somehow handles Wylan like a porcelain doll while also bringing out animalistic aspects of the act too. Wylan moans and groans far more loudly during his release than Jesper had moments ago.
"Do you want to come to my place?" Jesper asks. Wylan is nestled against his chest now, enjoying the way both of their breathing is synchronized and slowing down from the fevered heights they'd reached. "Not to brag but my bed sheets are softer, I have better light with which to see your gorgeous face and look into your stunning eyes, and I have lube."
Lube. So there's a reminder. Wylan hasn't told Jesper the second thing that he needs to tell him tonight.
But regardless, he can't turn down Jesper's offer. For one thing, Wylan's lab is cold and drafty and this mattress is ancient. He has little doubt that every aspect of Jesper's place is better, and his heart warms knowing that Jesper truly cares about him and was so caught up in the moment that he even allowed their encounter to take place here. And as for Wylan, truth be told, he would do anything to stay within Jesper's arms even if it meant spending the night outside in the Black Veil cemetery or in the bottom of a muddy ditch somewhere. As long as he could still feel Jesper's skin against his own, his lips nearby for kissing.
So Wylan agrees to Jesper's offer, without another thought. The two men dress quickly. As Wylan reaches for his jacket, the reality of the situation starts to set in. Jesper specifically mentioned lube. Wylan is going to need to have the talk with him.
They walk hand in hand to Jesper's place. He has said it won't take more than 15 minutes. A drunk woman sings loudly from the nearest alley, and two men are engaging in a heated argument which looks like it might come to blows. Wylan and Jesper dodge puddles and more than one pile of horse dung.
"I might have some food at my place," Jesper says over the sounds of revelry from the tavern they are currently passing. "Not much but a few slices of bread and some fruit. If you're hungry."
"Sounds nice," Wylan says. The night is damp and cold, and Wylan especially loves the feel of Jesper's hand in his. He trips on a patch of uneven cobblestone but Jesper's firm touch keeps him from falling.
"My neighbors aren't bad," Jesper adds, a moment later. "The noisy ones are out of town right now, and the woman whose room is closest to mine is quiet as a mouse. Of course she might have words for me about the noises she'll hear from us tonight."
Wylan laughs nervously. He feels Jesper's eyes on him as they continue to walk.
"Uh, there it is up ahead," Jesper says. "The building with the blue awning. Strange choice; it doesn't go with anything else on this block. Someday I need to ask the landlady why she picked it."
"Right," Wylan manages for a reply. He senses a hesitation to Jesper's steps and surmises that Jesper already feels that something is not quite right with Wylan. Jesper normally strides so confidently and he had started their journey that way.
Wylan follows Jesper up a flight of stairs, and then Jesper produces a key from his pocket to unlock the room. Wylan has a lot on his mind but he takes a second or two to appreciate the room itself. Warm, rich hues are everywhere, and a large window gives the illusion of spaciousness. As Jesper had promised, the room sports a bed with what appears to be quality bedding and a few pillows decorated with Zemeni patterns.
"Should we….get at that food?" Jesper asks, reaching towards a shelf on the wall. "Ah ha! Two apples, three slices of bread. The good stuff too, not that cheap bread from Pickerly's."
"Yeah, yeah, that would be nice," Wylan says.
His back towards Wylan, Jesper continues to look around his shelves. "Not much to drink other than a flask of water. Hope you don't mind. I could swing out to the pub across the street for something stronger….but I have to admit that I can't quite tear my eyes away from you."
"Then stay," Wylan says softly. His mouth is very dry now. "Water is fine."
The two sit and eat, and fall into a companionable silence for a bit. Wylan chews the bread, seeing that Jesper was right and this is indeed a delicious, thick, crusty loaf. He's had far too many days when his only meal was a pot of the runniest porridge.
And then Jesper clears his throat and turns to look at Wylan. "I believe that I detect some….consternation upon your face. Or, well, I've had the sense that since we left your lab that you're just a bit off. And," he says with a smile and tilt of the head, "when I have a handsome man who I care about in my room, I want to give him the time of his life. Is there something I can do to take that consternation away? That is, if I am correctly assessing the situation here."
Wylan takes a breath and sets his plate onto the end table. This won't be easy. But he has to say it.
"When you mentioned lube," Wylan begins, his gaze in the direction of his own hands and not Jesper's face.
But Jesper speaks before Wylan can say more. "It's only the finest quality. Imported from Novyi Zem; I have to admit that my people make the best." He places his hand over Wylan's. "So, do you prefer to bottom or top? I'm more of a top, but I can switch it up too."
"Neither. I prefer neither. I don't like anal."
Wylan gulps. There. The words are out. And it's good that they are out. If this is a deal-breaker for Jesper, then Wylan can leave before he gets even more attached, before his heart is at risk of shattering. Wylan had been considering, since long before their kiss inside the lab, that perhaps he could give anal sex another go. Perhaps with Jesper he might be okay with getting fucked again. It's not his thing, but he could manage it.
But no. If he and Jesper are to have a relationship, if they are to make any sort of commitment to each other, then Jesper needs to know the real Wylan - and Wylan can't start out by enduring something that he does not want to endure.
If he doesn't respect me and my needs then I don't care how witty and debonair and smart and alluring he is. In fact, maybe it's better for it all to end now before I really lose my heart, Wylan thinks.
Although these thoughts flash through Wylan's mind during the course of only half a second or so – he's pondered them before this moment of course – he still feels an agonizing wait for Jesper's response.
"Suits me," Jesper says simply. "I'm all about mutual pleasure. No point in us doing something that one of us doesn't care for. Oh, and we can still use all that lube if we want - it can make a handjob so much better, you know."
Wylan hardly registers what Jesper has said. He blinks and tries to replay each word. Surely he's misheard Jesper.
"S-sorry, what did you say?"
"I said that's fine with me," Jesper says straightforwardly. "If you don't want to fuck or be fucked, no problem." He leans in as he says, "I don't know if you've gathered this or not, but I like pleasing you. So I'd never want to do something that doesn't please you. I just want to be with you."
Wylan exhales, a breath that he hadn't realized he'd been holding in. Can this really be true? Does Jesper actually mean these words? He is so stunned that for another second or two, he is frozen. And then he's reaching for Jesper and pulling him into a long, explosive kiss. There is the feel of Jesper's tongue against his own, and Jesper's fingers cupping his chin, and any other worries Wylan had have suddenly evaporated.
They will discuss the subject again, weeks later. And Jesper makes it easy. One day he simply asks Wylan why he doesn't care for anal sex, since he'd never asked before and Wylan had never shared his reasons.
Wylan figures the least he can do is answer honestly. He tells Jesper, "Never seen the fuss over it. I thought it a bit uncomfortable, a bit messy; I suppose those are the main reasons. I don't find it degrading or shameful or anything like that. I just don't care for it."
There is more he could say but he'll leave it here for now. Wylan has always thought of the expression 'Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should' when he thinks of anal sex. He could also go on and say how much both he and Jesper have clearly been enjoying rubbing their cocks in between each other's thighs or buttocks, and how that is so much better in his view.
Jesper responds, his eyes narrowing slightly, "Is it anything more than that? Did someone hurt you?"
"No, nothing like that," Wylan says, waving a hand and meeting his lover's gaze. "No one hurt me that way."
"I'm glad to hear that. Otherwise I might have to find this man and turn my guns on him." He quickly adds, "Although don't worry – I wouldn't do anything without your approval."
Wylan swallows. "Thank you." His gaze lowers as he says the words. "For never pressuring me or making me feel bad about it."
Jesper leans towards Wylan as he rasps, "You mean everything to me." He reaches for Wylan's hand and kisses each finger as he says, "If you told me all you wanted to do from here to eternity was kiss and nothing else, then I would be fine with that. I would consider myself lucky to be your man. Well, I'd also have to use my own hands to relieve myself on a fairly regular schedule, but I would still be fine with it. I want just your happiness." And then he laughs and adds, "Though I am awfully glad that you do like giving and receiving head. Not to mention all the frottage we do. I've come to quite enjoy the term. Frottage," he says with a flourish. "I'd say we're both something of an expert on it."
Wylan wants to share the moment of levity but he is still awed by Jesper's earlier words. With knowing that he is so loved that Jesper would still want him if "all" he wanted to do was kiss. He knows that Jesper means those words, truly. Although Jesper has been his man for a little while now, Wylan is still overwhelmed, still feeling his heart swell. He reaches for Jesper's mouth and kisses it. He sees the love and awe in Jesper's eyes.
Months will pass, then half a year, then more. One evening they will be sitting with Poppy and a few of her friends after a show, and one of them will make a crass joke about "butt fucking". Wylan will feel his cheeks color and he will keep from looking at Jesper until the moment has passed. He will reach for his drink and take another swig.
When they are alone inside their room together, Wylan brings the topic up.
"So…about that joke that Poppy's friend made. The one about 'butt fucking', as they so delicately put it. I guess I was just wondering, do you…ever feel like you're missing out on something?"
This is the third time they've discussed the subject. Wylan just needs to hear Jesper's answer one more time.
"Wylan, you know I'd bring you the moon and the stars if I could. I'm happy you chose to be with me and not someone else. I'm happy any time I wake up and you are next to me, any time you turn to me with a kiss." Jesper pauses and tilts his head. "You know, actually I think it's good that we don't do anal. I think I love you more for this. That we don't need 'fucking' in order to bond, in order to love each other."
Despite all their time together, despite his certainty that Jesper adores him, Wylan still can't quite believe his good fortune. "You love me more for it?" he asks, incredulous. "I love you more for it! That you've never once pressured me or even implied that I was depriving you of something." He grasps Jesper's hand tightly.
"It's bonded us together more." For once, Jesper is content with leaving his thoughts in one compact sentence.
"It has," Wylan agrees fervently. His eyes sparkle. He reaches to kiss his man again. His heart aches with love for Jesper.
THE END
A/N – I've written other fics where Wesper do anal (and love it!) but I wanted to show something different here. Studies show that plenty of MLM rarely or never engage in anal, but in fanfics, M/M couples almost always do. So I wanted to show something that reflects what reality is for a lot of folks.
Thank you to embracedthevoid for beta testing