Eddie was angry.
No, he was beyond angry, he was furious.
Buck had been, well Buck on a call, and almost got himself killed in the process.
He and Buck had been tasked with getting the family of four out of the SUV safely as it dangled precariously on the edge of the cliff before it tumbled down and took them with it. They had gotten everyone, except for the youngest girl, out of the van, and the SUV was edging closer and closer to the edge, despite their attempts to attach it on a winch to one of the ladder trucks. The van was going to go over the edge, and they had to get that little girl out of there before she and the SUV plummeted to their dooms.
Eddie had just dropped the eldest son with the parents by Hen and Chimney at the ambulance when he heard the snap of a cable. Screams roared all around him as he turned and watched in pure fear as the van rolled off the cliff, taking the little girl with it. His heart sank as he turned back to the family, condolences about to fall out of his mouth when he heard Bobby begin screaming.
"BUCK!"
And then it hit him like a freight train.
Buck had been in the SUV.
Buck had opted to climb into the SUV to try and balance the weight distribution in the van, to see if that would help it remain on solid ground. He opted to do it, even after both Eddie and Bobby had reminded him of how dangerous that was, and if the van detached from the cable or if the cliff crumbled away, then he would be taken with it.
He didn't even bat another eyelid at them, moving to place himself beside the terrified girl as they hauled the boy out of the seat and into Eddie's awaiting harness.
Both paramedics shared a look with Eddie, who was completely frozen. Buck could not be gone. Not like that. He felt all the blood drain from his face as he shakily raised a hand to his mouth to try and stifle the sob that was working its way up his body as Bobby kept screaming, even after the sound of the car colliding with the ground boomed all around them.
He felt so numb. So, so numb and disconnected from his own body.
How was he going to tell Christopher? How was he meant to tell his son that his favourite person was never coming home? That he had lost another parental figure?
This was not fair.
He couldn't hear anything after that. But then, people began rushing around, screaming, begging for a paramedic and for someone to assist them. Instinctively, Eddie turned his head towards the commotion, and he heard Hen and Chimney gasp from behind him, and they sounded so relieved as Buck pulled himself onto the cliff side, the little girl grasped tightly in his arms. Soon, people helped Buck up onto his feet, and Eddie could do nothing except watch. He watched as Buck handed the girl off, and how Bobby rushed over and gave him a hug before all but shoving him over to their ambulance, demanding to get checked out and that they would speak about this later.
The tears continued to stream down his face even as he shakily pulled Buck into his arms, struggling to maintain his composure. They continued to silently stream down his face as he checked Buck over, sniffing slightly as he measured Buck's pulse. The tears continued as he pressed the stethoscope over Buck's heart, biting his lower lip to keep the sob from escaping as he heard the beating of Buck's heart. He was alive, as was the little girl.
That numbness from the call very quickly morphed into anger.
Anger at how the world tried to take his favourite person away.
Anger at how Christopher almost lost another parental figure.
Anger at Buck for being Buck, and always getting himself into life or death situations.
It was almost like he didn't want to be alive, and that, that was a thought that had Eddie trembling out of anger.
The team were all in the loft of the station when Eddie decided to talk to Buck. The tension between the two had been suffocating since the call, and they all felt uncomfortable by it. Frank had taught him to speak out about his emotions more freely with those around him, and whilst he struggled with voicing those emotions, he had to do this for Christopher, for Maddie, for Jee-Yun. This was not for him, this was for the others.
Hen, Chimney and Buck were all on the couches when Eddie stormed up the stairs. He had hidden himself away, holed himself in one of the bathrooms and called Christopher, as he missed his own kid so much.
Bobby noticed him first, flashing the man a small smile, it completely falling off his face as he took in his demeanour.
"What the fuck were you thinking?" He stood in front of Buck, his hands on his hips as he growled at the younger man.
Buck pocketed his phone and frowned at his best friend. Hen and Chimney shared a nervous glance and stood up, moving to the kitchen to be with Bobby.
"You're gonna have to be more specific, here Eds" Buck said, confusion written all over his face.
"Don't play dumb, Buckley," He hissed out, wringing his hands together in an agitated manner, "You full well know I'm talking about the call this morning"
The colour drained from Buck's face, and he winced at the reminder. A pained look splashed across his face and Eddie felt satisfaction bubble in his chest. Good, he thought, maybe you understand the pain I went through thinking about how you could have died today.
"Eds–" Buck began.
"You almost died! Buck, hell, we thought you WERE dead!" Eddie interrupted, and Buck shrunk in his seat, "You just had to get into that damn car, even after we told you it was too dangerous. So tell me, Buck… what. the. fuck. were. you. thinking"
The loft was silent as Eddie stared down at Buck, who had looked away from Eddie, fiddling with the buckle of his belt.
"That little girl needed to be saved, Eddie," Buck said sternly, his jaw clenched as he looked Eddie in the eyes, "she has her whole life ahead of her, why shouldn't she be given the chance to live for it?"
"The chance to live for it? There were other ways of getting her out of that car! Why does it always need to be you saving lives? Why does it always have to be you? Do you not have anything to live for? Buck? Is that why you're always risking your own fucking life?" Eddie roared back, and Buck clenched his hands into fists.
"You really think it's like that? Huh, Diaz?" Buck spat out, rising to his feet, chest to chest with Eddie, "You think I'm lonely, depressed, suicidal? Is that really what you think?"
"Yes, Buck," Eddie whispered, tears shining in his eyes, "I do think you're depressed and suicidal"
Buck bit his top lip, shakily turning to the trio in the kitchen.
"Do you all think that?" He asked hoarsely. Buck felt his stomach drop as they all nodded, Bobby seemingly more confident compared to Hen and Chimney, the pair seemed too hesitant to give him a real answer.
Buck took a deep breath, scrubbing at his face with a hand. He shook his head and moved away from Eddie, heading towards the stairs.
"Buck, where are you going?" Bobby asked, walking around the kitchen counter to stand near Eddie.
"I'm done talking about this," Buck told them, and Eddie felt his anger come back.
"Why? Because you can't handle the truth?" Eddie shot back, and Buck froze at the top of the stairs.
The blonde firefighter slowly turned around to face them all.
"No," Buck answered, "Because I am not suicidal, and you're all wrong for thinking that"
"Tell us how we're wrong then," Bobby demanded, a worried look on his face as he looked at his pseudo son.
"You-you just are," Buck stuttered out, "I have never attempted in my life"
"Just because you haven't attempted doesn't mean you're not on your way to that point, Buck" Chimney pointed out softly.
"You may not have those thoughts now doesn't mean you never had them," Hen added, "You may not actively think about it now, but subconsciously maybe that need to escape and for it all to stop is what drives you and why you act without thinking"
"I'm not suicidal" Buck said against clenched teeth.
"What about when you climbed the crane?" Bobby asked softly.
Bobby was approaching him cautiously, and Buck felt sick that his own boss was treating him like he was a jumper. Like at any minute he'd switch up on them and try to take his own life.
"I could've gotten shot, you think I climbed that crane for fun?" Buck exclaimed, his whole body trembling.
"You did it because you can't stand seeing any of us hurt," Hen answered weakly, "Bobby told us what you had said to him after the crane, Buck. You matter too, don't put yourself in harms way just for us"
"I needed you guys to be safe," Buck argued weakly, "I wouldn't be able to survive if anything happened to you guys too"
"Yeah, you did want to protect us," Bobby agreed, "but you were doing it at the expense of your own life"
"I wasn't about to let any of you get hurt when you all have people to go home to" Buck whimpered out.
"Can't you see the problem with that?" Bobby asked, equally as teary-eyed as Eddie.
"What about the train cart?" Eddie added, tears silently sliding down his face, "you offered to go outside of an unstable train cart knowing that if it fell then you would be dead. None of our lives were at risk at that point, Buck"
"I-I had to save Abby's fiance" The blonde man admitted.
"Bobby and I told you how dangerous that was, Evan," Eddie began, advancing towards Buck, "People usually run away from life or death situations, but not you.. You wait for a strong wind to push you either way, you don't choose for yourself. You are so careless with your life. Just because you aren't slicing at your damn wrists, or thighs doesn't mean you aren't careless with your body"
"You don't know what you're talking about," Buck looked tired as he spoke, and Eddie just wanted to go and hug him.
"I mean, technically you used to slice your thighs," Eddie began, wiping the tears from his face, "just not in the way any of us envisioned. Whilst you never took a blade to any part of your body, you did hurt yourself. You hurt yourself for your parents' love, and that's where the problem first started, right?"
"Eddie, don't–" Buck tried, tears slowly cascading down his own face.
Hen and Chimney shared a look. Buck never spoke of his childhood. Other than mentioning Daniel, Buck never uttered a word, anything they knew regarding the Buckley parents was due to Maddie and what she told Chim. Everything leaving Eddie's mouth was a shock to them, and the more he spoke, the more their hearts broke.
"It started when you broke your ankle, right? They cared, hell your dad even took you to get some ice cream afterwards, and you relished in it, since they never usually cared for you. Then you broke your arm four months later, and they cared for you then, and then after being in and out of hospital with them, you bought that motorbike, and had a bad crash in it. Evan, Maddie gave you her Jeep to get away–your sister, a victim of domestic violence at the time, gave away her only escape from Doug and passed it to you, so you could get away and live your life—Surely you understand that maybe there is a problem here with how much you hurt yourself?"
"She promised me she was coming with me" Buck defended.
"And then when you left your parents, you had no-one at all," Eddie continued, and Buck felt like he was suffocating in his emotions as he struggled to keep his facade from crumbling entirely, "Once you realised that you can't get any love from anyone by ending up in hospital after hospital, you switched it up and went for something more intimate. You may not have been hurting yourself physically, but you were using sex to feed the part of you that craved intimacy and love, things you never received at home. You stopped saying no, even when you didn't want it, because at least someone cared for that time"
Eddie was inches away from Buck at this point, and he could see the younger man breaking, he could see the struggle to keep those emotions in.
"Then you joined the fire academy," Eddie was a lot quieter now, speaking directly to Buck, "and you started throwing yourself into burning buildings, and you still used sex as a way to hurt yourself because you let that therapist take advantage of you in one of your most vulnerable states, but then you stopped for awhile, and let Abby have her way with you because she was the first person to really see you, and you were terrified to make a mess of things, just for her to leave you in the dust, but you still pined for her even after she left, because she did things for you that no-one else had ever done at the time. Then Maddie came back and you felt like maybe things were starting to look up for you, but then her ex appeared and you felt so guilty for not being able to protect her when none of that was your fault"
Bobby had been slowly edging closer and closer to the pair, but he was trying not to spook them. Whilst it may look like Eddie had it under control, Bobby knew first-hand how these situations could suddenly change.
"Then the fire-truck bombing," Buck involuntarily flinched at the reminder and wrapped his arms tightly around his own torso, "and the embolism, and the freaking tsunami, and you continued to blame yourself. The train cart situation happens and Abby returns and rocks your world. Then you find out about Daniel, and your whole world just shatters, and suddenly you talk about giving up and the warehouse fire could have been the last call you ever attended, but it wasn't. You are still here, and I am so happy about that. Then the shooting, and you shut down. You don't give yourself time to process it, instead you throw yourself in making sure my son is taken care of—thank you for that—and you then start climbing cranes whilst there is an active shooter on the loose, and that all adds up to what happened today"
"Please tell me you see what is wrong with this situation, now?" Eddie asked, almost pleading with Buck to understand why he was so angry with him.
"You are careless with your life, and it doesn't look like you want to live," Bobby mentioned, and Buck's whole facade just breaks.
Eddie had such a good read on him and no-one has ever done that with him and it hurts because he knows one day that Eddie will find someone else to be like this with and Buck will be left in the dirt once again and he doesn't know how he will survive being left again because this is all he has and if this goes then he is alone forever and it's too much and he's so tired of being alone and unseen, but it's all he ever will be in this world, and so what if he throws himself head-first into danger? He hasn't got anyone to rush home to, everyone else does, which is why it is so easy for him to disregard himself. He has no-one, which is why if he was gone then it wouldn't hurt people as much as it would if it were any of the others.
Eddie had wrapped his arms around Buck at this point, lowering them both to the ground as Buck's sobs rocked his body. Bobby crouched down beside them, rubbing a hand up and down Buck's back. Hen and Chimney joined the trio, making it a group hug as their friend and family member fell apart in Eddie's arms.
But it would all be okay.
They would all make sure of it.