The days passed. One after another, and somehow, a month had gone by.

It felt longer for Buffy.

It was almost funny. If anyone had asked Buffy a few months ago how she would feel if Spike was gone, she would've said "Good riddance". Now though? Now, she realized what a big part of her life had become. And she missed him. More than she expected to. More than she wanted to.

She missed the comfort of being able to count on him. She missed the way he could understand her without words.

She missed the way he was around Dawn.

She missed finding him lurking around her house.

Many things reminded Buffy of Spike. Sometimes, it was the smell of cigarettes she caught. Sometimes, it was a rock song she heard. Sometimes it was something one of the gang said that made her almost hear him make a sarcastic remark. One time, she could swear she could hear Spike's voice calling Xander whelp.

It almost scared her how much she was thinking about him.

And she had no one to talk about him with. Yeah, she and Dawn talked about it. But Buffy was trying to mostly comfort Dawn, not burden her with her own mourning. Because that was what she was doing. Mourning Spike. Her enemy, then her unnatural partner, then a nuisance, then, somehow, a man she could count on. And… As much as she was scared of admitting it to herself, someone who could've been something more.

Buffy sighed. Patrol was mostly uneventful that night. As she walked through Restfield, her legs were walking the familiar path to Spike's old crypt.

She didn't know exactly why she still did it.

It had started the first night she went on patrol after Spike died. After killing a nasty dwarf like baby eating demon and dusting a few vamps, Buffy had gone to his crypt. It had still smelled like him. She had walked around, lightly touching everything. She had gone downstairs and l had laid in his bed for hours.

She had come back every night ever since.

Buffy even kept the place clean, throwing away the blood from the fridge when it had gone bad, clearing the dust and the spider webs every now and then.

She knew Spike wasn't coming back and there was no point in doing it. She sometimes told herself she was doing it so that no other vampire would think to move in there, knowing the Slayer regularly visited the crypt. And maybe part of it was that – not wanting a regular nasty vamp to be in the place where an extraordinary one had… unlived?

Maybe part of it was wanting to be close to him in some way.

Maybe it was giving her some comfort.

Buffy herself didn't know all the reasons she kept going to the crypt. But she did it every night. That night included.

After she had stayed a good while there, looking through Spike's vinyl collection, Buffy emerged from the crypt and saw the last person she expected to see.

"Angel"

There he was. Her first love, her worst nightmare, the one man that had been able to build her up and wreck her, just as easily. There had been times when just seeing Angel made Buffy happy. And times when seeing him was too painful.

Now, looking at him, Buffy realized one thing – they were almost strangers these days. It hurt, she had to admit. A part of her would always love him, he was so dear to her. But with time, they had changed. Buffy could see it in his eyes. He was not the same man he was when he walked out on her after the showdown with the mayor. And she wasn't the same girl. She wasn't girl at all by this point.

"What are you doing here?"

Angel looked pained at her snappy welcome.

"I… I wanted to see how you were. Heard about what happened. I am sorry I wasn't here to help."

"I appreciate it."

They started walking together through the cemetery.

"How bad was it?"

How could she put it into words?

"It was… It was the hardest thing I've ever gone through, Angel."

"I'm glad everyone is ok."

Buffy stopped dead in her tracks. She could not believe what she had just heard. She looked at Angel angrily and turned around. She felt that if she stayed, she would probably hit him. But Angel grabbed her arm and tried to stop her.

"You've got some nerve!" she shouted in his face

"Buffy, I didn't mean it like that!"

He even dared to look her in the eyes. God, had he really changed so much or had she never known Angel?

"I don't wanna hear it, Angel! It's disgracing! He died, Angel! He could have done nothing, he could have turned away and gone on his merry way and he would still be alive. Dawn was ready to jump, but I wouldn't let her. I was ready to do it. But Spike came and he saved us and the whole universe and he died and you dare telling me EVERYONE is ok? I knew you two had history, but I never thought you were so petty!"

Angel let go of Buffy's arm. He let out a heavy breathe, closed his eyes for a second and then looked at her.

"I really didn't mean it like that, Buffy. Spike and I had our differences, but we were family."

Buffy snorted, looking anywhere but at him.

"Well, you sure have a way of showing how much you care."

"Did you love him?"

That caused her to look him in the eyes again.

"Oh, so that this visit is all about? Pissing contest with Spike, who is not even here anymore?!"

"No, it's not. And that is not why I am asking, Buffy. I just… I want to be there for you. And if I know if you did love him… Maybe I will find the best way how to do that."

Buffy sighed. Truth was, she knew Angel had put his foot in his mouth. But it was easy to vent her frustration at him when he did it. She sat down and propped her back on a headstone and Angel sat next to her. For a while, they just sat there in silence.

"I didn't. I mean, I cared about him. Much more than I realized – figured that out only after he was gone, in typical Buffy fashion. But… I knew I could have."

It was the first time she let herself admit it.

"Maybe it's just your grief…"

Buffy shook her head. Angel was not getting it.

"No, it's not. Because I didn't realize it after Spike died. You know, I was so repulsed when he pulled his disaster of a love declaration that included him chaining me up and offering to kill Drusilla for me. After that, I didn't give him the time of the day, really. I was so convinced I really hated him at that time. Then he had the damn robot made and I felt like I could kill him. But then… Glory captured him and tortured him. It was… God, Angel, when I saw him… I still have no idea exactly what she did to him, but I wasn't aware a vampire could be hurt so badly. I think he barely survived. I had to know if he had told Glory about Dawn. So, I pretended to be the damn robot in order to find out. He hadn't told her anything, and he did it because he couldn't bare the thought of me going through the pain of something happening to Dawn. He was ready to die, rather than betray us. That moment… Up until then, I was convinced it was just a sick, gross obsession. But in that moment, I knew. I knew he loved me. And I knew he'd changed. And I realized I could, maybe, one day, love him back. And it terrified me."

It still did. If she knew she could have fallen for a soulless vampire, what did that say about her? But it was the truth, nevertheless.

Angel stayed silent for a while after her confession. Buffy saw that he was conflicted. Finally, he spoke again.

"You know, when Drusilla turned Spike, it was obvious to me, despite never knowing William when he was alive, he kept a lot of his human self. And I made it my main goal to crush that part of him, to twist it, to destroy it, to make him the same kind of monster I was. I tortured him, physically, mentally. I used the still present insecurities William had. I fed his bloodlust. And he did become a force of destruction. But he never really let go of the parts of his human self that remained. I have always hated him for it. As Angelus – because it disgusted me. And as me – because, though I had never admitted it until now, I secretly admired it. And now, knowing that Spike did love you without having his soul when I could not… Well, it makes me hate him a little bit more. But I also respect him more than ever. He loved you, Buffy. And it is ok if you miss him."

Buffy felt tears forming in her eyes.

"I never thought it could happen, but I do. So much that at times my brain refuses to accept he will never be back and instinctively look for him because he was always there, he never left. Even when I tried to make him, he refused and he stayed. And now he is gone and he's never coming back"

For the first time, Buffy let herself break down and cry.

A few weeks had passed since Angel's visit. Life was going normally for summer on the Hellmouth.

Dawn was on summer camp and Buffy was alone in the house when the phone rang.

"Hello."

"Hey, Buffy."

To say she was surprised to hear from Angel so soon after his last visit was an understatement. Something must have been going really wrong.

"Hey. What is it? Please, don't tell me it is another apocalypse, I am recharging for next spring."

"No. Nothing of the sorts."

Buffy could feel it was something important though.

"What is it then?"

"Buffy… I thought a lot about what you told me that night. It was hard for me to hear. Really hard. But… I love you, Buffy, and I want you to be happy. And there is a tiny chance that you could be happy with Spike…"

Buffy took a sharp breath.

"What do you mean, Angel? He died. I saw the wind blow his ashes away."

"There might be a way to get him back."