Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 9
EPISODE 11
Air Date: May 21, 2023
"For the Sake of Our Fellow Man"
#TYH913
SCENE 1
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Wade is painting when Buster walks in holding a tablet.
BUSTER: Hey Wade, I need your...what's that?
WADE: Oh, this is my latest assignment for art class. I'm supposed to paint the things I see on my block.
BUSTER: Why does it look like a bunch of blobs smushed together?
WADE: I'm not Picasso, stuff like this takes valuable time! Anyway, what do you need?
BUSTER: I'm taking this quiz online and I'm trying to figure out the answer. It kept me up all last night.
Wade looks at the tablet.
WADE: "Which of these do not have wheels? A bike, a scooter, a motorcycle, or an elephant?" Really?
BUSTER: It might be a trick question. You remember when we went to the circus, and we saw those elephants on skates? They just don't want me to get it right.
WADE: Go with elephants, Buster. Trust me, you won't go wrong.
BUSTER: Alright. Thanks, buddy.
Buster hugs Wade, who looks bewildered. Buster then runs out of the house. Wade then sniffs his smock.
WADE: Was that him? Or me?
Wade smells himself again.
WADE (CONT.): Shit, that was him!
SCENE 2
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Halley walks into Sparky's house carrying a book.
HALLEY: Sparky, are you here? I came to drop off your book.
Halley looks around the living room and sees that Sparky is nowhere to be found.
HALLEY (CONT.): I guess I'll just leave it here.
Halley places the book on Sparky's coffee table. Her stomach grumbles.
HALLEY (CONT.): Nah, I better take care of that.
Halley runs into the bathroom attached to the staircase.
SCENE 3
The MacDougal Household
Interior Bathroom
Seattle, Washington
Halley tries to flush the toilet, but the handle doesn't make a sound.
HALLEY: What the hell? Why won't it flush?
Halley removes the lid and tries to flush the toilet from the inside of the tank, but nothing happens.
HALLEY (CONT.): You gotta be kidding me, the toilet broke?!
Halley quickly places the lid back, washes her hands thoroughly, then runs out of the bathroom and leaves the house.
SCENE 4
Craig Bartlett Junior High School
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
After school, RK walks towards Wade's car and gets inside.
RK: Thanks for the ride.
WADE: Any time. So, where do you want to go?
RK: Oh, we have to try that new wing place that opened up last week. I heard it has some of the best fried chicken in the Northwest.
WADE: I don't know, I had KFC the other day. Maybe we could go somewhere else.
RK: I knew you were going to screw me over the minute I got in this car. I have to take Buster, he'll love it.
WADE: Buster. Yeah, that's what I wanted to talk about.
RK: Talk about what, his sock puppet? It's really not that bad, KG still has one and he's in tenth grade.
WADE: That's not what I wanted to talk about. Then again, he probably doesn't wash his socks, either.
RK: Wade, what's going on?
WADE: Yesterday, Buster came to my place after school. He was asking me for some help on a quiz and I started smelling something bad.
RK: Okay, go on.
WADE: After I helped him, he hugged me and the smell got worse. I thought maybe it was something to do with the paint, but I realized it was him.
RK: Don't you think that's a little presumptuous? You can't prove for sure Buster stinks.
WADE: I actually can, but since we're not home, I can't show you how I do it. I bet he doesn't even remember the last time he took a bath.
RK: So, what are you going to do? Tell Buster he's a dirty bum and beat him down with a bar of soap?
WADE: No. I'm just going to wait for the next time I see him and monitor his scent. If I smell it again, I'll have to do something.
RK: So, you will beat him down with a bar of soap.
WADE: Why does your mind instantly go to assault?
RK: I don't want to erase the possibility!
SCENE 5
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn watches TV when Halley walks in.
JAYLYNN: Halley? What are you doing here?
HALLEY: I can't come to you with my problems now?
JAYLYNN: You can. It's just that usually, it's the other way around and you're not happy about it when it is.
HALLEY: Well, I have a big problem and I need you to be cool about it. Could you promise not to tell anyone?
JAYLYNN: Of course, man, I'm not a snitch. Now, what's the problem?
HALLEY: This morning, I did something gross. Unsanitary, disrespectful, I totally violated the sanctity of Sparky's house.
JAYLYNN: Good Lord, what did you do?!
HALLEY: I, um...I used the bathroom...and I didn't flush the toilet.
Beat.
JAYLYNN: So, what, you forgot or something?
HALLEY: No, I didn't forget. I tried to flush, but it wouldn't go down. Then I had to leave for school so I ran out of there.
JAYLYNN: Why were you at Sparky's house anyway?
HALLEY: I had to drop off his book that he let me borrow. Now, he's probably never gonna let me borrow anything after he finds out what I did.
JAYLYNN: Come on, Halley, Sparky's in love with you. He's not going to kill you for leaving the toilet like that.
HALLEY: Why wouldn't he? I probably broke it when I tried to flush it.
JAYLYNN: What were you doing in there?
HALLEY: I will never tell you. Ever.
JAYLYNN: Good, because it looks like you got it all out of your system. Look, Sparky likes honesty, okay? Just tell him the truth and you'll be straight.
HALLEY: No. I can't. I'm just going to stay away from him for a little bit. Next time we see each other, maybe he won't remember.
JAYLYNN: Or he will remember and he'll be more upset that you kept blowing him off over nothing.
HALLEY: Is this what being the voice of reason is?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, which is why it's exhausting to do it all the time. Anja probably has an ulcer at this point.
SCENE 6
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
The kids are eating ice cream.
SPARKY: I just don't see why we need another Toy Story.
JAYLYNN: They probably have a really good idea that we haven't figured out yet.
SPARKY: Jaylynn, mark my words. If that movie doesn't end with Woody going back home, Pixar's dead to me.
BUSTER: Well, Woody might not go home, but I know I am.
RK: You sure? You barely ate your second sundae.
BUSTER: I guess you could have it.
RK: I support your decision to retire early.
BUSTER: Great. Bye guys.
SPARKY/RK/WADE/JAYLYNN: Bye.
Buster leaves the booth. Beat.
WADE: Is anyone else aware that Buster stinks?
JAYLYNN: Hell yeah.
SPARKY: I wasn't going to say it, but, you know.
RK: I think you're exaggerating, Wade. I didn't smell anything.
WADE: Dude, other people are noticing it and it's just getting worse. Somebody has to tell him.
JAYLYNN: Sparky, I think you should do it.
SPARKY: You think I should tell my best friend he needs a shower?
JAYLYNN: You don't have to say it like that. You could be like, "Hey, man. You know that thing called deodorant? You should start using it."
SPARKY: Look, guys, Buster's never been Mr. Hygiene. Have you seen his dental records?
RK: Yeah, they're as bad as my report cards.
SPARKY: Exactly. When Buster starts to smell, he's just going through a phase. He'll get out of it soon.
JAYLYNN: You really want him to just walk around not knowing he smells? It's better you tell him than a teacher or some girl he has a crush on or...Bitch Clock.
WADE: Jaylynn's right. Buster probably doesn't even know it's an issue, but you telling him will get him on the right track.
SPARKY: I don't know. Having these conversations, they're a little tricky.
JAYLYNN: Was it tricky when Woody decided to go live with Bo Peep? Yeah, but he still did it.
SPARKY: No. Don't apply Toy Story 4 to this situation like it works. Don't do that, it's sick.
JAYLYNN: You're sick.
RK: We're all sick, now, could I dig into this sundae before it melts?!
SCENE 7
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That night, Sparky paces around the room.
SPARKY: I have to mentally prepare myself for this talk. How do I open it up? "Buster, you smell like you wipe your ass with chili cheese. Hit the showers." Okay, harsh, and definitely not how to handle this. "You know, Buster, there comes a time in every boy's life where he realizes how musty he is." Eh, a little better, but it's missing that extra ingredient. "Buster, you know how much you love Binaca? What if you treated your body the same way you treat your breath?" Why am I talking like that? And doing the gestures, I'm not shooting a commercial. Ugh.
Sparky walks into the bathroom, but the shot remains in the living room. He screams.
SPARKY (V.O.; CONT.): What am I looking at?!
SCENE 8
The MacDougal Household
Interior Attic
Seattle, Washington
Bitch Clock watches TV when Sparky walks upstairs.
SPARKY: You dirty little pig. No, pigs have more class than you. And some of them carry STD's!
BITCH CLOCK: What the hell is happening here?
SPARKY: Bitch Clock, I told you a million times that when you use the downstairs bathroom, you have to turn the water on and then flush. Don't just leave it there like you're shopping at Target.
BITCH CLOCK: I know we're at a point where I'm Satan to you, but I haven't used that toilet in days.
SPARKY: And why should I believe you?
BITCH CLOCK: Because I'm telling the truth, dumbass.
SPARKY: Oh, like how you were telling the truth about being sober? Or how you came to KG and told him about the recording? You're right, Bitch Clock, you're right. Whenever the time comes to step up and be honest, you're always on the ball.
BITCH CLOCK: Maybe it's because I had a couple beers earlier, but you sound sarcastic to me.
SPARKY: I am! Next time, how about you use whatever brain cells you have left and do what I tell you?
Sparky shakes his head and walks downstairs.
BITCH CLOCK: I don't need your bathroom, Sparky! I have a private bathroom in a private location just for me!
Beat.
BITCH CLOCK (CONT.): He heard that. I know he heard that. He's going to think about what I said, internalize it, and then he's gonna know that what he heard makes sense.
SCENE 9
The Newman Condominium
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Buster watches TV when RK walks in.
BUSTER: Hey RK.
RK: What's up, Buster? You have a minute to talk?
BUSTER: Of course. What's on your mind?
RK: Well, man, there's no easy way to say this, so let me get down to the core. You've been smelling lately.
BUSTER: Oh no. I have?
RK: Yeah, Wade noticed it when you came over and then when you left Ike's, there was a lot of discussion. It's a real hot-button topic in the group now.
BUSTER: Shit. I really smell that bad? Here, smell me.
Buster runs up to RK.
RK: Uh, I think I might pass on that, but dude, I can't believe you didn't know. Have you been showering, putting on those spray guards, anything?
BUSTER: You're really asking me that? Come on.
RK: Buster, it's me. Level with me.
BUSTER: Alright, I'm a dirty animal. I haven't been cleaning myself these days.
RK: Well, what's going on? Are you sad about something?
BUSTER: Why? Do sad people hate smelling good?
RK: I don't know, I leave that up to the scientists and the politicians. But what I do know is you're not the only one. I, too, have dealt with bad hygiene in my years.
BUSTER: Really, you? You always look so clean. From your clothes to your crunchy haircut.
RK: Yeah, when I'm motivated, I clean up nicer than anyone. But if I had a dime for every time KG told me to take a bath, I would be retired right now.
BUSTER: So, what do I do? Is this a disease? Is it too late to get treated? Am I gonna die?!
Beat.
RK: What? No. You just have to keep up with your hygiene, man. Wash your face, shower until the cows come home, make sure your dental work is on point. If you're feeling upset about something, you don't want that to take over your life.
BUSTER: Well, there's something I haven't told you guys about. That's kinda why I haven't been hanging out lately.
RK: What is it?
BUSTER: I can't drive anymore.
RK: Really, what happened?
BUSTER: You know how people have car insurance and as long as they have it, they can drive whenever they want? Well, when you don't pay your insurance, you have to start riding the bus everywhere.
RK: Ah, Buster, how come you haven't been paying?
BUSTER: It's too much, man. These companies keep asking for money I don't have. I try to find another company, but then they want you to prick your finger and tell them what you want to be when you grow up. It's all a scam, my mom warned me about this.
RK: Well, couldn't you just pay off the balance and that's it?
BUSTER: I could, but again, that's money I don't have. And pretty soon, they're going to take away my registration and my plates. I'm going to have to go back to walking everywhere. That's really not good for my toes, RK.
RK: I'm sorry you're going through this, man. Is there anything I can do?
BUSTER: No, there isn't. This is my fault, my problem, and I'm gonna do whatever I can to fix it. Because Newmans fix their problems. I mean, we usually put them off and cause more problems along the way, but when we get to them, we really take care of things.
Buster begins to walk upstairs.
BUSTER (CONT.): And hey, thanks for talking to me about being gross. I needed that.
RK: Any time, buddy.
Buster walks upstairs. RK sighs and plays with his fingers on the couch.
RK (CONT.): Right, I don't live here.
RK shakes his head and leaves the condo.
SCENE 10
Craig Bartlett Junior High School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The next morning, RK walks up to Sparky and Jaylynn.
RK: You guys can call off your dogs. I found out what's really going on with Buster.
SPARKY: Damn, I was going to talk to him tonight. You beat me to it?
RK: I had to. If you or Wade did it, you guys would talk to him like he's your son. Not me. Buster and I are cut from the same cloth. I'm like the Buster whisperer of the group.
JAYLYNN: I always thought I was the Buster whisperer.
RK: No, your status just gets inflated because you're handsome.
SPARKY: So, why hasn't Buster been smelling good?
RK: Turns out he's been going through some car problems. His insurance policy's cancelled, and sooner or later, he won't even have registration.
JAYLYNN: Holy shit!
SPARKY: See, I warned him about paying on time. These companies are just mean.
JAYLYNN: So, what can we do about this? I don't want Buster to be without a car.
RK: Don't worry. Ask not what you can do for Buster, but what I can do for Buster.
JAYLYNN: Oh, that's good, making it about yourself and shit.
SPARKY: RK, what are you talking about?
RK: I'm going to pay off Buster's debt for him. He gets his insurance back, he keeps all his driving goodies, and he'll be back to his old self.
SPARKY: I don't think that's a good idea.
RK: Why not? If nobody does anything, Buster has to go back to walking. It's 2023, we're past walking, Sparko.
SPARKY: Trust me, you don't want to get involved with Buster's problems. He doesn't want to feel like you're saving him.
RK: Ah, it's that manly pride once again. Sparky, I'm not doing this to hurt Buster, I'm doing this to help him. For the sake of our fellow man. For America. For-
JAYLYNN: Enough.
SPARKY: RK, I've been in your shoes before and it's a pair you don't want to wear. If you try and help Buster, he's only going to feel worse than he already does.
RK: See, here's the beauty part. Buster doesn't have to know it's me. I'll pay it online anonymously, then if Buster asks questions, I'll just be like, "It was a gift from the heavens. Glory to God."
JAYLYNN: See, what keeps you interesting is how much you believe in all the stupid things you do.
SPARKY: Okay, RK, go ahead and pay it. But I'm warning you, Buster is an emotional guy when it comes to this stuff.
RK: Don't worry, it'll work out. Because it has to. For the sake of our fellow man.
Beat.
JAYLYNN: Wait, I just realized. Why the hell did you call me handsome?!
SCENE 11
The MacDougal Household
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
Halley walks up to Sparky's house and sighs.
HALLEY: Okay. Maybe Jaylynn's right. Sparky will forgive me, and if the toilet's really broken, I'll help pay for it.
SCENE 12
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Halley walks into the house, but Sparky is once again nowhere to be found.
HALLEY: I'm getting tired of this kid not being here.
BITCH CLOCK (O.S.): Getting tired of who not being here?
Cut to Bitch Clock standing near the kitchen eating some grapes.
HALLEY: Sparky's right, you do eavesdrop too much.
BITCH CLOCK: Ugh, don't mention that boy's name to me. He's had his foot on my neck for months, and he refuses to let go.
HALLEY: Maybe it's your fault. I mean, you lie all the time, you walk around drunk, you don't pay rent, you don't work. You're no better than my Uncle Keith.
BITCH CLOCK: Sounds like Uncle Keith is my kind of guy. Maybe I'll party with him the next time I go to New York.
HALLEY: I don't want you meeting anybody in my family.
BITCH CLOCK: Aren't we kinda family already?
HALLEY: No. You barely remember my name!
BITCH CLOCK: I know what your name is. You hang out with Jaylynn, right?
HALLEY: Whatever. I'll wait for Sparky here.
BITCH CLOCK: Cool. Hey, while you're here, don't bother with this toilet. You have to turn the water on every time you use it or it won't flush.
HALLEY: Really? The water wasn't on?
BITCH CLOCK: What do you mean, wasn't?
HALLEY: Nothing.
Beat.
BITCH CLOCK: Hmmm. Because Sparky was really upset with me for using this toilet and not flushing. I told him I have my own bathroom, but he wouldn't listen. He even made me clean it.
HALLEY: Wow. Sucks to be you, bro.
BITCH CLOCK: Yeah, sucks to be me. It sucks because if someone did something they shouldn't have and didn't confess, then it would be a lot easier to blame me than the perfect little angel who can do no wrong, wouldn't it?
HALLEY: Probably.
Beat.
BITCH CLOCK: You bitch, you blew up the toilet and didn't flush!
HALLEY: I didn't know what the problem was, I had to leave!
BITCH CLOCK: And you didn't say anything about it. Thanks to you, Sparky hates me even more than he already did.
HALLEY: Look, I'm sorry. That's why I came here to tell the truth, I didn't want to get anybody in trouble.
BITCH CLOCK: Oh, if you're going to clear my name, I want a front row seat for this shit.
Bitch Clock sits on a nearby recliner when Sparky walks downstairs.
SPARKY: Hey Halley. As usual, you look great today.
HALLEY: Thank you, same to you. So, listen, about the bathroom-
SPARKY: Oh, Bitch Clock told you what he didn't do? Yeah, don't listen to him. He's just tired of me not letting him get away with murder.
HALLEY: Oh yeah. Yeah, I heard he just...didn't take care of that toilet.
Bitch Clock raises his eyebrow with his mouth hanging open.
SPARKY: It was disgusting. But it's taken care of now, so if you need help with this toilet, I'll give it to you.
HALLEY: Thanks. Um, I'm gonna go now, but it was great to see you again.
SPARKY: Okay, sure. Another time then.
HALLEY: Sure, another time. Bye.
Halley leaves the house. Sparky proceeds to look at Bitch Clock with disgust.
BITCH CLOCK: What are you staring at?
SPARKY: Not much.
Sparky walks back upstairs. Bitch Clock looks annoyed and then leaves the house.
SCENE 13
The MacDougal Household
Exterior Entrance
Seattle. Washington
Bitch Clock runs up to Halley's car.
BITCH CLOCK: Hey!
HALLEY: You gotta be kidding me.
Halley rolls down the car window.
BITCH CLOCK: Great performance in there. I guess you were too much of a pussy to remember telling the truth.
HALLEY: Look, if I tell Sparky what I did, he'll just think you put me up to it. Besides, it's easier to have you take the fall.
BITCH CLOCK: Of course. Look, I know I messed up a couple things this year, but I'm not getting spit on for something I didn't do.
HALLEY: So, what do you want me to do about it?
BITCH CLOCK: Well, I've been pretty busy these last few weeks. I could use a personal assistant.
HALLEY: And I could use an A on my next science test. That doesn't mean it's going to happen.
BITCH CLOCK: But it will. Unless you're ready to tell Sparky who really didn't flush the toilet.
Beat.
HALLEY: What do you need me to do?
BITCH CLOCK: You'll find out soon enough. I'll have my people call your people.
HALLEY: No, f*** that. Here's my number.
Halley gives Bitch Clock her number.
HALLEY (CONT.): And no calls in the middle of the night.
BITCH CLOCK: If you're needed at two in the morning, you better be ready to go with some 5 Hour Energy.
SCENE 14
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK watches TV when KG walks in from work.
RK: Hey bro, how was work?
KG: Terrible. First, the lemonade machine broke so we had to spend fifteen minutes cleaning the floor. Even then, it was still sticky. Then this one guy flipped out when we told him we ran out of cinnamon sticks. It was really disturbing, drove a lot of customers away.
RK: So, did you call the police?
KG: No, Mr. Ansolabehere sang him this Jim Croce song and then he went to sleep on the floor with a bottle of milk. He was only out for ten minutes.
Beat.
KG (CONT.): I know you have a lot of questions, but I'm in no mood to answer any of them.
RK: It's whatever, man. Looks like we both have problems.
KG: Why, what happened to you?
RK: Buster's car insurance was terminated for non-payment. I wanted to surprise him by paying it off myself, but Sparky warned me not to.
KG: Why? You're doing him a favor, who cares?
RK: Apparently, if I do this, Buster will think I'm babying him. Like he needs other people to bail him out of his problems.
KG: F*** all that, here's what you do. You pay whatever Buster owes, you tell him straight up to his face what you did, and if he gets mad, you just found out the kind of person he really is.
RK: You really think I should go through with it?
KG: Of course. I'm assuming Buster's a broke boy right now and can't pay it himself, right?
RK: Pretty much, yeah.
KG: Then there should be no problem. I know, sometimes, men want to handle things on their own, but if our friends are willing to help, who are we to say no? Rodney and Trevor bailed me out plenty of times.
RK: I guess it's different for guys like Buster. They don't want to be weak.
KG: Well, pride is the devil. If Buster's really your friend, he'll worship you for paying his debt.
RK: You're right, KG. I have to trust my instincts. I have to bail Buster out for the sake of our fellow man.
KG: That's the spirit. I'm gonna take a shower and forget everything I saw today.
RK: Hey, wait. I know you didn't want to answer questions, but I only have one. What Jim Croce song was it?
KG: I don't know, the one where he's talking about the bad man in town? He's a real bad man, Leroy something.
RK: "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown."
KG: Yeah, that's it. How do you know that song anyway?
RK: I've heard it 900 times at Walgreens, I can't forget it even if I wanted to.
SCENE 15
Bitch Clock's Apartment
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Halley opens the door and Bitch Clock walks out of the kitchen.
BITCH CLOCK: Good, you're here on time. A punctual assistant is a dope assistant.
HALLEY: Are you sure this place is safe? I just saw some guy get hit in the head with a glass bottle, then throw up on a dead cat.
BITCH CLOCK: You're from New York, I know you've seen worse.
HALLEY: That's kinda the reason why I left New York.
BITCH CLOCK: Don't worry, you're not in harm's way. After what happened when Blondie was my roommate, I learned that if I put any of Sparky's people in danger, I'll end up missing.
HALLEY: You didn't know that before?
BITCH CLOCK: Mistakes are lessons, Halley. I just happen to learn more lessons than a lot of people do.
HALLEY: Okay, so where am I doing my assistant stuff?
BITCH CLOCK: In that room over there. My line is busier than I can handle, so you're going to take messages and be like my receptionist secretary double agent.
HALLEY: Double agent?
BITCH CLOCK: I know what I said, don't repeat it. Also, since you're a girl, you need to make it clear that you're underage. Very clear. There are a lot of perverts and psychos out there.
HALLEY: Trust me, I know how to handle myself.
BITCH CLOCK: I admire your confidence, but some of these people are relentless. The other day, some guy asked me to send nudes. He knows my cousin, Halley.
HALLEY: You're giving me way more information than I want. Let me just take these calls.
SCENE 16
Bitch Clock's Apartment
Interior Receptionist Room
Seattle, Washington
Halley walks into the room with a landline telephone attached to an extension cord on the desk.
HALLEY: Bitch Clock, why is there a picture of Dua Lipa on the wall?
BITCH CLOCK: Do you really wanna know?
HALLEY: No.
BITCH CLOCK: Good.
SCENE 17
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK is on the phone the next morning.
CASEY (V.O.): So, Buster, you wanted to pay off the past due amount on your GEICO account?
RK: Um, yes, my name is Buster Newman. Uh...Taylor Swift and Twinkies, am I right?
CASEY (V.O.): Yes, Buster, you've been with us for a while. Are you here to pay off the past due amount?
RK: Yeah. I just wanted to know what does "past due amount" mean?
CASEY (V.O.): Well, that's the amount you owe when we covered you on days you didn't have insurance. After that, you make another payment to reinstate the policy.
RK: Right, right. I tend to not know certain things sometimes.
CASEY (V.O.): That's okay. We can get this policy reinstated in no time.
RK: Great. Just one question.
CASEY (V.O.): Yes?
RK: When we're done, could you send everything to a different email? Mine got hacked by, uh...scammer people.
CASEY (V.O.): Sure, what is the new email?
Beat.
RK: You just asked me a question, right?
SCENE 18
Craig Bartlett Junior High School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn are eating lunch.
JAYLYNN: You know, a lot of people hate PB&J, but low key, it's the best sandwich out there.
SPARKY: I remember in first grade, we ate that every day for lunch. It took a while for our taste buds to adjust once they moved us up to other foods.
BUSTER: Same. Hey, since we have McChicken Day, could we have PB&J Day?
SPARKY: I don't want us to start getting commercial with it.
RK walks to the table.
RK: What's up, children?
SPARKY: RK, where have you been? You missed the first half of the day.
RK: Well, part of that was because I was on business and the other part is just me not wanting to be here. Buster, today's your lucky day.
BUSTER: Why? Did I finally win a free keychain?!
RK: Um, no. I reinstated your car insurance policy. Every dime got wiped out. Here's the email confirmation.
RK gives Buster the confirmation page. Buster looks disturbed.
BUSTER: Why did you do that?
RK: Well, because I'm your friend. And when friends are in trouble, you have to-
BUSTER: No. I told you that I would handle this on my own, and you went behind my back? What the hell is wrong with you?
RK: What the hell is wrong with you? I just gave you the biggest break of your life, and you think I lost my marbles?
BUSTER: Yes. Maybe next time, listen to what I want instead of treating me like some stupid Make-A-Wish kid. I'm not hungry.
Buster leaves with the confirmation page. RK looks at Sparky and Jaylynn, who both do their best to avoid eye contact with him. RK then looks up at the ceiling.
RK: Sure.
The instrumental to "Let It Roll" plays briefly in the background as RK shakes his head.
SCENE 19
Craig Bartlett Junior High School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Later on, Sparky, RK, and Jaylynn are at their lockers.
RK: Seriously, am I wrong? Did I do something to hurt him? Am I Satan? Because I might as well have big red horns and a weirdo accent that nobody can figure out.
SPARKY: Well...
JAYLNN: Pffft.
SPARKY: You know...
RK: I'm ready for you guys to use actual words.
SPARKY: I'll just say that I warned you. Can I say that? Because I warned you.
RK: Yes, you warned me, but I still wanted to give it a shot. You don't think the Motown guys warned Michael Jackson to not do the moonwalk? They probably told him it would ruin his career, but he still did it.
JAYLYNN: How would that have ruined his career?
RK: Because people say stupid things when you have dreams, Jaylynn!
SPARKY: Look, RK, you can fix this. Go find Buster and tell him what you were trying to do.
RK: It doesn't matter. He's too angry. And even after this, he'll still hold it against me. KG was right. I just found out who Buster really is.
JAYLYNN: Come on, Buster's the sweetest guy on the planet. I'm sure if you give it time, he'll come around.
RK: He better. Because I don't just spend money on anything. Except my costumes. And...the occasional treat. And sometimes, I might really be into collecting DVDs, but I'm not an ATM!
Buster walks up to the guys, sees RK, and immediately walks away. RK looks at Jaylynn angrily.
JAYLYNN: Just give it time, I know what I'm saying.
SCENE 20
Bitch Clock's Apartment
Interior Receptionist's Room
Seattle, Washington
After school, Halley is on the phone as Bitch Clock's personal assistant.
HALLEY: Hey, you've reached Bitch Clock's office, I'm Devin. How may I assist you today? Beat. I'm in the sixth grade, the f***? Beat. Sir, go touch some grass before someone tells you they don't want you near their kids. Bye.
Halley hangs up. Bitch Clock walks in.
BITCH CLOCK: Another pervert, huh?
HALLEY: Yeah, you really need to start blocking these numbers.
BITCH CLOCK: I do, and then they just call from other numbers. It's like a full-scale pedophile ring going down right now.
HALLEY: Well, you were right about the fake name.
BITCH CLOCK: See? Even if they want to find you, they can't. By the way, I was going out for some food, you want anything?
HALLEY: No thanks. I brought a sandwich.
BITCH CLOCK: A cold Ziploc sandwich isn't a real meal. I'll get you some food.
HALLEY: Cool. You know, if you acted like this around Sparky, he wouldn't be on your case so much.
BITCH CLOCK: Hey, I try my best to be the ideal roommate, but all he can see is the bad. Even when we talked about the bathroom, he didn't ask me about it. He just went after me for something he thought he already knew.
HALLEY: Think about it. What was the last nice thing you did for Sparky?
BITCH CLOCK: I vacuumed the living room.
HALLEY: You hired a maid.
BITCH CLOCK: And she was paid for out of pocket. It didn't cost Sparky a dime.
HALLEY: Look, Bitch Clock, you just have to think about why Sparky's always mad at you. He lets you live with him, so he's still looking out for you. He just wants you to be better.
BITCH CLOCK: I don't know, we've done this song and dance for a long time. Maybe Sparky's just outgrown me. He doesn't think I'm cool anymore.
HALLEY: Wow, okay, look at my hands real quick.
BITCH CLOCK: Okay.
Halley stretches out her hands.
HALLEY: The left hand is you, and the right hand is the point.
BITCH CLOCK: Got it.
Halley tries to catch her right hand with her left, but the right keeps moving and the left barely does anything. Her right hand goes over the desk and her left hand moves slowly, then plops down on the desk. She then looks at Bitch Clock.
BITCH CLOCK (CONT.): You doing a magic trick? What kind of shit is this?
Halley gives Bitch Clock a bored look.
SCENE 21
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK walks in while Wade is working on another painting.
RK: Hey Wade, we need to talk.
WADE: You're just in time. I'm putting the finishing touches on my latest masterpiece.
RK looks at the painting, but it is only visible to him and Wade, not the audience.
RK: This is a bowl of fruit, what kind of masterpiece is that?
WADE: It's not a bowl of fruit, RK. That's just your ignorance talking. This is a dense social commentary on the rising inflation costs in our country. Food supply is scarce, more people are leaning on public assistance. When the dust settles, all that will be left is the cheapest food known to man, that being some fruit.
RK: Really?
WADE: No, it's just a bowl of fruit. But if I tell my teacher everything I just told you, I'll ace the assignment. So, what do you want to talk about?
RK: I don't know if anyone spoke to you yet, but Buster and I are on the outs.
WADE: Really, why?
RK: I found out the reason he smelled like shit was depression over losing his car insurance. I paid every nickel and quarter that was owed so the insurance could be reinstated, and now, Buster hates me.
Beat.
WADE: What?
RK: Grandpa, turn on your hearing aid this time. I found out the reason he-
WADE: No, no, I heard you, I just don't comprehend you. So, Buster was having a big problem. You solved the big problem, and he hates you because you were looking out for him.
RK: Yeah.
WADE: See, I do the same thing with Adriana. Whenever I'm having issues, and she helps me with them, I always say, "You stupid bitch, when did I tell you it was okay to make my life easier?"
RK: I appreciate your sarcasm, but I don't think that's how Buster sees it.
WADE: This is ridiculous. I just wanted him to start showering again, but if I knew this would happen, I would have concluded it was me that smelled and kept it moving.
RK: Yeah, why did you have to make it a big deal? We're kids, we're supposed to smell like ass.
WADE: Hey, let's not flip all of this around on me. Buster's the irrational one, remember?
RK: Right. I just want him to talk to me again. I need a way to make that happen.
WADE: Oh, by the way, I went to that new wing place you suggested. It was amazing.
RK: You indulged in those wings without me? How dare you?
WADE: You weren't around. You're my best friend, not my parole officer.
RK: You've really started leading a double life since we got to junior high. Beat. Wait a minute. Wings. That's it!
WADE: What's it?
RK: The new wing place. Buster's been wanting to go there just like me. I invite him to the restaurant, and we hash this out man-to-man.
WADE: I see your point. A nice dinner is conducive to nice conversation.
RK: Which will make Buster put his guard down, and then we can be friends again. It's an RK Jennings signature moment!
WADE: Just one thing. If Buster knows you're inviting him, he won't come. You need to have someone else do it.
RK: Right, a decoy. Either Sparky or Jaylynn will do.
WADE: What, I can't do it?
RK: Do you want to do it?
WADE: Right now, it's about 60/40.
RK: That's not enough dedication. Either Sparky or Jaylynn will do.
SCENE 22
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky watches TV when Halley walks in.
HALLEY: Hey Sparky.
SPARKY: Halley. I've been missing you lately, come here.
Halley jumps on the couch.
SPARKY (CONT.): Yeah, that's more like it.
HALLEY: Sorry for being so busy. I've just been knee deep in...paperwork. Yeah, sure, paperwork.
SPARKY: It's okay. You're in luck because tonight, we have the house to ourselves.
HALLEY: Really? Bitch Clock's not here?
SPARKY: No, he decided to go to Oryon's with his friends. Thank God for that.
HALLEY: Listen, I wanted to ask you something.
SPARKY: Shoot.
HALLEY: I know Bitch Clock's lived here for a long time, but if you hate him so much, why do you keep him around?
SPARKY: I don't hate Bitch Clock. In fact, I like him sometimes. I just don't want to put my faith in him anymore.
HALLEY: Because he's burned you so many times?
SPARKY: Yeah. Thinking Bitch Clock will change is like thinking PBS will reboot Martha Speaks. I can pray for that day to come, but it never will.
HALLEY: I know it's hard to embrace him after all this, but if you're not going to kick him out, maybe it's not the worst thing in the world for you two to be friends.
SPARKY: Halley, where's all this coming from?
HALLEY: Bitch Clock wasn't the one that didn't flush the toilet. It was me.
SPARKY: It was you? How?
HALLEY: I was dropping off your book and I really had to go, but I didn't know about the water thing so I ran out. Bitch Clock found out and now, I'm his personal assistant.
SPARKY: Why didn't you tell me? I treated him like shit for the one thing he didn't do.
HALLEY: I know, and I'm sorry. I was just scared how you would react, and it's easy for you to think Bitch Clock did something wrong.
Beat.
SPARKY: Damn. Maybe I have been a little harsh on him lately. When I get the chance, I'm talking to him, and as of right now, you're fired as his assistant.
HALLEY: You have the power to do that?
SPARKY: It's my house. I have the power to make him dance like a monkey if I wanted.
SCENE 23
Craig Bartlett Junior High School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Buster is at his locker when Jaylynn walks up to him.
JAYLYNN: Hey Buster.
BUSTER: Hey. Did you know there was a nasty white sock in my locker?
JAYLYNN: Never. How did that happen?
BUSTER: I don't know, whoever used this locker before me had it stuck up real good in there. But it's gone now, so I'm gonna use it to scare people.
JAYLYNN: Sounds wild. Listen, have you spoken to RK lately?
BUSTER: RK? RK who? That's a stupid name, what does RK even mean?
JAYLYNN: Buster...
BUSTER: No, I haven't spoken to RK, because he's dead. Just like my bunny Winky and my dreams of one day becoming a cornhole champion.
JAYLYNN: Cornhole champion?
BUSTER: Yeah, it's a real thing. I just don't have the arm strength, you know?
JAYLYNN: Well, hopefully, you realize that RK was just trying to help. And maybe you should have appreciated that.
BUSTER: I didn't need his help. If I lost my car and everything I own that has wheels, I would have dealt with it. I just don't like being a charity case.
JAYLYNN: Hey, I get it. When I lived in Portland, I didn't even want my friends buying me food. I grew up thinking that if you couldn't get it yourself, you didn't deserve it.
BUSTER: And you still think that, right?
JAYLYNN: A little bit. But you guys always try to help me when you can. I'm not just going to turn it down.
BUSTER: Well, I guess we don't see things the same way.
JAYLYNN: I guess we don't. But hey, enough of this dramatic shit. How about I take you to Bang Bang Chicken tonight?
BUSTER: Seriously? I've been dying to eat there.
JAYLYNN: Who hasn't? Dude, tonight, we're going to eat more chicken than God allows. We're going for all the dipping sauces. Blue cheese, marinara, sweet and sour. By the end of the night, we're going to have a lawsuit from PETA.
BUSTER: That's the dream. Alright, Jaylynn, I'm in. I'm going to need two bibs for all that chicken.
JAYLYNN: Two? Please, I'm gonna need six. And another one that I'll put in my pocket and wave around like a gang member.
BUSTER: Because you're Chicken Gang?
JAYLYNN: Exactly.
SCENE 24
Bang Bang Chicken
Seattle, Washington
("Half of My Heart" by John Mayer featuring Taylor Swift plays over the restaurant's loudspeakers)
Buster and Jaylynn walk into Bang Bang Chicken. Buster is wearing two bibs and a chicken hat.
JAYLYNN: Okay, I know we're going to eat a lot tonight, but we have to get the Bottomless Boneless Special.
BUSTER: You don't have to tell me twice. We should probably weigh ourselves before and after.
JAYLYNN: That looks like a good table.
Buster and Jaylynn walk up to the booth, where RK is waiting for them.
RK: You guys ready to eat?
BUSTER: Jaylynn, what the hell is he doing here?
JAYLYNN: Sorry, bro, this was all part of the plan.
BUSTER: What plan?
RK: I used Jaylynn as a decoy to get you to come here. It's the only way we could talk.
BUSTER: Forget it. There's no talking going on tonight.
JAYLYNN: Buster, you're already dressed. Why don't you hear RK out and then yell at him later?
Beat.
BUSTER: Fine. But just know I'm here for the wings, not you.
RK: Duly noted.
JAYLYNN: I'm gonna go freshen up in the bathroom.
Jaylynn walks towards RK and leans into his ear.
JAYLYNN (CONT.): I'm just gonna stay in there like a weirdo until it's safe to come back.
RK: Copy that.
BUSTER: What did she say to you?
RK: I don't know, something about Ashley. So, Buster, have you been enjoying the open road again?
BUSTER: No. My registration and plates are suspended since I didn't have insurance.
RK: Oh. Well, once the suspension is up, you're gonna burn rubber, right?
BUSTER: Is there really another choice?
Beat.
RK: It's times like this I wish we still did cutaways.
SCENE 25
The MacDougal Household
Interior Attic
Seattle, Washington
Bitch Clock watches TV when Sparky walks upstairs.
BITCH CLOCK: Oh, hell no, I'm ready this time. If you want to go to war, bring on all the ammo you've got.
SPARKY: Relax, I didn't come here to argue or yell at you. I came to apologize.
BITCH CLOCK: Apo...apologi...did you steal my booze again?
SPARKY: No, Bitch Clock, I'm serious. Halley told me she was the one who wrecked the bathroom, not you.
BITCH CLOCK: Really? I didn't think she had it in her.
SPARKY: Yeah, and while I don't approve of you using her as your assistant once you found out, I was still out of line. I should have tried to figure out what really happened instead of jumping down your throat.
BITCH CLOCK: Kind of a gross turn of phrase, but I accept your apology.
SPARKY: The thing is, Bitch Clock, I don't want us to be enemies. You're still my roommate, and it's not like you're ruining my life. You just have to stop doing the wrong thing every chance you get.
BITCH CLOCK: Well, Halley kinda made me see things your way. I guess I haven't been the best roommate. Or a decent roommate. I've been a roommate, let's just agree on that.
SPARKY: You know, if you want more freedom, you don't have to stay here anymore. I can help you find a new place.
BITCH CLOCK: See, that's the thing. I've tried living other places, but I always come back here. Let's face it, if I lived by myself, I would be dead in six months.
SPARKY: You would.
BITCH CLOCK: At the end of the day, I can't change who I am. But how about this? If I try a little bit harder to be more than a roommate, maybe things will be better here.
SPARKY: How much harder?
BITCH CLOCK: I don't know, five percent? I'm still banned from Twitter and that bitch-ass Steve put a restraining order on me, so I'm already restricted as it is.
SPARKY: Okay.
Sparky begins to walk downstairs.
BITCH CLOCK: Oh, and Sparky?
SPARKY: Yeah?
BITCH CLOCK: Your girl Halley? She's as real as it gets. Tell her I said that.
SPARKY: Thanks. She'll appreciate it.
Sparky walks downstairs.
BITCH CLOCK: He better tell her. I don't praise any of his friends, but her? She's cold with it. He's going to tell her what I said, and then she'll know just how real I think she is.
SCENE 26
Bang Bang Chicken
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
("Domino" by ZZ Ward featuring Fitz plays over the restaurant's loudspeakers)
Buster and RK sit in silence, with no chicken wings at the table and Jaylynn still missing. RK gets a text from Jaylynn that reads: "You talk to him yet?" He sighs.
RK: Buster, come on. Work with me here. I went to all this trouble to set this up, you might as well give me what I want.
BUSTER: Give you what you want?
RK: Yeah, the conversation. Bottom line, I did the right thing because I wanted to help you. But you chose to be a baby about it, so that's not my problem.
BUSTER: I told you I was going to handle it.
RK: You already weren't handling it. Your registration and plates were about to be taken away, you smelled like how my permanent record looks.
BUSTER: How dare you? How dare you make fun of someone who's got the disease?
RK: The disease? What are you talking about?
BUSTER: The bad hygiene disease. I inherited it, that's why I had to tell my grandpa to get his breath checked out.
RK: So, what about your dad? He had it?
BUSTER: No, it skipped a generation. But he passed down the trait.
RK: Look, we're all over the place now. I know it's hard for you to accept help, but none of us think you're weak or dumb or pathetic. You're like a brother to me, and I'm offended that you would think I did that to make you feel like shit.
Beat.
BUSTER: I've really been acting like an idiot, haven't I?
RK: Absolutely.
BUSTER: I'm sorry, man, it's just that I hated the fact I let things get this bad. And then when you paid the insurance, I felt like I couldn't do anything right. Like "Oh, now, I'm dragging RK into this? He has to use his own money to bail me out?" Honestly, I was more mad at myself than you.
RK: So, does this mean we're friends again?
BUSTER: Yes. And don't worry, RK, I'm going to pay back everything I owe you. I'm not going to eat or sleep until the debt's repaid.
RK: You know how you can pay me back?
BUSTER: How?
RK: By sitting here and enjoying this dinner with me. It's wing time, Buster.
BUSTER: You're right. My bibs are going to waste, we need menus.
RK: We already have menus.
BUSTER: Then we need waiters after we look through our menus. Let's do this.
RK: Yeah!
Beat.
BUSTER: I didn't say it before, but thanks for everything, RK. You're a great friend.
RK: No problem, buddy.
RK's phone starts to ring.
RK (CONT.): Hello?
JAYLYNN (V.O.): I'm starving, what the hell's going on out there?!
RK: You can come out of the damn bathroom, me and Buster are good.
JAYLYNN (V.O.): Then say that, don't be quiet!
Jaylynn hangs up.
RK: Yeah, Sparky's going to be my decoy next time.
Cut to black.
("Some People Hate" by Jay-Z plays over the end credits)
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