Slayeryamcha's Cardinal self inserting
Hello everyone, this is the prologue of my self insert fanfic, where you could guess from title, I will self insert my dumb ass in to Cardin Winchester. You would probably ask: "Yamcha, why? You hate crappy self insert fics!". And it is true, i really fucking hate them all, so i decided to parody it. Get ready for most pathetic mc you haver are seen because Cardinal self insert begins now!
#x200B;
WARNING: POOOOR GRAMMAR INCOMING
Monday... or it was Tuesday? I'm honestly not sure, death knocked such prosaic information out of my head. Ah yeah, it is also my first day of being dead.
Now i am sitting in heaven's waiting room. Well i can't blame anyone for being there. I died by my own dumb mistake, turns out making pipebombs is very dangerous and 4chan's tutorials can be flawed.
After waiting for time that felt like hours i was called into room number 869, I quickly got up from my seat and rushed to door labeled 869 to hear what Lord has to say about me.
When I opened the door, I saw a typical office. A wooden floor, white walls and a wooden desk with a seat in front of it. Behind the desk sat an angel in the form of a white man in his fifties. He was clean shaved and he wore black suit. If it weren't for the luminous halo and white wings, I'd say he looks like an ordinary lawyer.
As I entered, the angel looked up and pointed to a chair in front of the desk. Without questions, i quickly took a seat in front on chair and waited for angel to say something.
My probably lawyer, flipped through the papers in front of him. When he had apparently found what he was looking for, he spoke in a bored voice.
A: "Mr Slayeryamcha?"
S: "Yes"
A: "You will be sent to purgatory"
S: "WHAT? WHAT ABOUT JUDGEMENT?"
I was shocked and kinda offended, every human should meet God after death! Why i was denied?
Angel looking at my surprised face, spoke in a calm tone.
A: "Looking at the face of God Himself is the highest reward and the highest punishment. Those who have rejected God or have sinned continuously will look at a face full of disappointment and will be cast down to hell to suffer with Satan. Those who have worthily served God will see a face full of love and pride, after meeting Lord himself, they will ascend to Heaven. Those who do not deserve Hell, but are not worthy of Heaven, will be denied meeting with creator and will face punishment for their sins in purgatory. After you will cleansed of sins, you will meet All Father and together with him you will be in Heaven."
It sounded reasonable... and it was still a better outcome than rotting in hell among Protestants. I sighed loudly, purgatory was not some juvenile detention center. From what i heard on Holy Masses, it sucked and every second being locked here was painful. Instead of meekly sitting in a chair and waiting for someone to take me to purgatory, I brazenly decided to ask the angel.
S: "Soo Mr Angel, what is in purgatory?"
The angel, who had obviously been waiting for a further questions, replied in an emotionless voice.
A: "Purgatory, compared to hell, is a unique place for every sinner. If you were to ask random people in Heaven, what was in purgatory, they would give you different answers, even people who have committed similar sins will describe it differently."
S: "In that case, can I find out what awaits me?"
A: "You will be put in body of Cardin Winchester in show called RWBY."
S: "What?"
It wasn't a punishment... IT WAS GOD DAMN REWARD. Being reaincarnated in show i love to meme in body of good looking, muscular teen was dream that had come true! Maybe i was just being pranked, it looks like my sins weren't that bad and God had just something important to do and had Angel to give me something to play with before He will meet me? Well in that situation that dammed Angel decided to make fun of me.
I rebuked the Heaven's emissary with an accusing glare, The angel just sighed.
A:"Mr Yamcha, you are not being rewarded and it is not joke."
S: "What do you mean? I am about to become tall, good looking and muscular guy in world where every girl is walking bombshell. How it is punishment?"
A: "Because it won't be normal RWBY world but changed in ways that you will find unbearable"
Fuck me, now it will be painful. What will happen? Will i be reborn as Winchester with scarred face that will make women puke? Or maybe some grimdark version of Remnant where i will be in constant danger?
My train of thoughts was interrupted by the angel who decided to speak:
A: "You will be send into world of Remnant where your most hated writting tropes"
S: "I will have massive harem that won't make any sense?"
A: "Yes"
S: "Girls will be reducted to bunch of bumbling idiots with flanderized personalities?"
A: "Yes"
S: "Any other male will be reducted into dumb wimp that will only be jealous of my harem?"
A: "Of course"
S: "Some male characters will be genderbend?"
A: "Yep"
S: "And i probaly won't be able to change the story."
A: "You will skip bully arc because you will replace Jaune."
S: "DEAR GOD"
A: "There is more"
S: "NO"
A: "When fall of Beacon will happen, you will be send back to to beginning of Beacon arc."
I starded to become crying mess, i hoped to live a quiet life as a huntsman in Vale when plot happens away from me. But now i know that years of constant school slice of life awaits, where i will be harassed by idiots till school blow up and everything will be restarted.
S:"NTR will happen?"
A:"Sadly yes."
I hung my head in defeat, now it will suck ass. Good bye dreams, welcome shitty harem fanfic.
The angel, indifferent to my cries, snapped his fingers and i was blinded by flash.
When i opened my eyes i saw a interior of bullhead, there was no way that i wasn't in the same bullhead that had brought main cast into Beacon. I sighed and looked down at my body. It was't sluggish obese body of loser but muscular body of Cardin Winchester himself. My chest was proudly decorated by golden Cardinal and next to my armored boots lied my bomb mace.
I took it into my hands, it was fine piece of metal, it is shame that Cardin didn't use it on Ursa Major in show. And then it dawned on me, Maybe if I try to act just like Winchester, girls would leave me alone? I am sure that no women, would wish to be part of harem of lazy, racist asshole. Eureka! I was saved from harem!
After this sudden revelation, I got up. I could feel how diabolical smirk forms on my face. Faunus freaks, better watch out because new bully is coming! I shook my head, just thinking won't help me. I have to start being bully from now!
And when i wanted to take action, magically the entire bullhead was empty. Disappointed i looked around to find out that everyone left to school without me. Thats sucks because if i would start fist fight with anyone during travel to school, i would bad reputation from same beginning.
"Well shit"
After saying those words, I started walking towards the Bullhead's exit. Day didn't ended, so i still can mess up that badly before making teams that no one will want to be with me.
With grin i walked towards my new bully destiny
(Chapter one will come out, maybe in next week)