Derek moved through the bedroom doing his best to be silent, seeing as Emily was fast asleep...and liable to eviscerate him if he woke her, as she'd been uncomfortable to the point of sleeplessness for the past month and a half.
In spite of his best attempts, though, she began to stir.
Sweeping her hair away from her face as she sat up, Emily blinked sleepily at him and mumbled, "Did you just get home?"
"Go back to sleep, Princess," he murmured, offering her a faint smile, though it didn't quite reach his eyes. "You need your rest."
Ignoring his instructions, she pushed herself to sit up against the headboard, which was no small feat at nearly nine months pregnant. "JJ texted..." she said leadingly. She knew him well enough by now to know he wasn't going to open up without a little gentle prodding.
"Oh..." he said flatly. He'd known someone would tell her, but that didn't make it any easier. Without further comment, he moved into the en-suite to wash some of the day's grime off his face.
"Are we going to talk about it?" she asked, raising her voice to be heard over the running water. She knew, of course, that given his way he'd say no, but she wasn't really asking.
He knew that, of course, which is why he'd been hoping she'd stay asleep. Leaning on the sink, he sighed wearily. It wasn't even that he didn't want to talk about it with her, he just didn't know where to start.
When he looked up, he was surprised to see her reflection in the mirror, leaning in the doorway. Even heavily pregnant, she somehow managed to move silently.
She was looking at him with so much compassion, so much understanding that it very nearly broke him. Wordlessly, he turned, wrapping her in an embrace so tight it was as if his life depended on it. And as she held him just as tightly, he felt something inside him finally break. He'd been clinging so tightly to his self-control for the entire case and with her, he could finally allow himself to fall apart.
She said nothing as he sobbed into her shoulder, just holding him as he cried – his safe port in every storm from the first moment they'd met. She trailed tender fingers down his back, feeling all the tension in every muscle, rigid with the effort of maintaining his calm over the past few days.
He surprised her then be dropping to his knees before her, pressing his cheek against her belly, needing more than ever to feel connected to something good and pure in the world.
In spite of his utter heartbreaking devastation, Emily couldn't help but smile softly, feeling the movement inside her belly. "She knows her Daddy needs her," she whispered.
He looked up at her with question in his eyes.
"She's turning to face you," she explained, feeling little feet now pressing into her lungs. (The baby had seemingly been on the 'spin cycle' for the last month, in spite of the fact that she should be starting to engage for birth.)
A faint smile – the one reserved for his daughter – crossed his lips, but was quickly replaced by sadness once again. "Will I be a good father?" he asked quietly.
Emily seemed utterly mystified by the question. "You already are," she insisted.
He didn't seem to believe her, though, and she could see it in his eyes clear as day. She knew him too well for him to be able to hide it.
"You really don't see it, do you?" she murmured, shaking her head slightly in disbelief. "You have no idea how much you've done for her already..." She gently pulled him to his feet, so he was forced to meet her eyes. "Derek James Morgan, you listen to me – and I say this with love: you're an idiot."
"Excuse me?" he said in disbelief, brows lifting sharply.
She shook her head. "If you can't see everything you've done for the last nine months, you're blind. I've spent the entire pregnancy being waited on hand and good. It's actually been kind of annoying...in a good way." She smiled tenderly. Cupping his cheek, her thumb stroking along his cheekbone, she spent several long moments staring intently into his eyes. "When I asked for fresh baked cinnamon rolls at ten PM, who ran to the twenty-four hour bakery and literally begged them to make a fresh batch?"
"I did..." he replied quietly.
"And who has spent the last six months tying my shoes?" she asked.
A beat. He could clearly see what she was doing and was reluctant to let it work. "I did."
"And," she continued adamantly, "Who rearranged the nursery furniture six different times?"
He heaved a sigh. "Em, that's just...stuff. It's got nothing to do with being a good father."
Emily gave him a pointed look. "Neither does Buford."
What followed was a seemingly eons long silence, fragile as glass.
"Em..." he said, voice barely a whisper. "Don't..."
She shook her head slowly. "If you're not going to talk to me about this, you have to talk to someone." She could see the rebuttal already forming in his mind. She preempted it by saying, "If you try to tell me you've finished your counselling..." She trailed off, shaking her head slowly. "I don't want to bring our daughter into the world when her father isn't in the right mindset to enjoy meeting her for the first time."
He said nothing for a long time, mulling over her words.
"Listen to me: you are a good man, Derek. Carl Buford has nothing to do with that. You're a good man all on your own. And I know you'll be a good father all on your own. I don't doubt it now, nor have I ever for a single second doubted it. I think you might be the only person in the entire world who has any doubts about it."
Still, he remained silent.
"If you don't believe me, believe her," she continued, prodding her belly. "This little girl knows your voice. She kicks up a storm whenever you talk to her. Your singing soothes her to sleep. And I swear, that she doesn't move around as much when you're away on a case. This right here is a Daddy's girl already."
She knew she'd gotten through to him then because, in spite of not being born, the little girl in her belly already had her daddy wrapped around her finger.
"How you doing there, Dad?" the nurse asked as she placed the squirming bundle that was his daughter into his arms.
Derek couldn't even begin to articulate any of the dozen emotions swelling in his chest. Couldn't form a single coherent thought beyond I'm her Dad. Sure, he'd known he was going to be a father, but nothing could possibly have prepared him for the rush of all-consuming affection he would feel upon looking into his daughter's eyes for the first time.
"Hi there, Little Princess," he whispered, awestruck.
She blinked up at him with honey brown eyes, a look in them like she already knew exactly who he was. He knew (from Reid, of course) that babies couldn't smile of their own volition before six weeks, but could have sworn that the smile she gave him was one reserved solely for him.
"I'm never going to let anything bad happen to you," he vowed to the baby. "I'm going to shield you from harm with every single breath that's left in my body. I would literally lay down my life for you."
Emily gazed up at him with so much love and tenderness in her eyes. "Well, Dad? How do you feel now that she's on the outside?"
He looked up as if only just remembering she was there. "I feel...like my entire life has been leading up to this moment. Like I haven't really been alive until now. Like she's the reason I was put on this Earth."
"I had a feeling you'd say that."
He shot her a quizzical expression.
"You're a good father, Derek," was all she said in explanation. "I think the little princess agrees." She nodded to where the baby was rooting around his chest.
"She's just hungry," he insisted, passing the baby to her, though he was clearly very reluctant to let her go.
As she adjusted her hospital gown so she could feed the newborn, Emily informed him, "She needs a first name..." She glanced up at him with a soft smile.
"Well, you said you like..." he started to say.
She shook her head. "I want you to pick," she said.
He reached a finger to stroke the baby's cheek as she suckled at Emily's breast. And almost instinctively, she reached her tiny hand to wrap her fingers around his, holding on with surprising strength.
It was all he could do to smile brilliantly, heart so full of love in that moment. "Nice to meet you, Etta Frances Morgan."