The Eyes Have It

by Castlefan6

Authors Note: This is AU; Builds on Episodes 3-14, 16, and 17. Castle sees what he thinks is the event to seal his departure from Beckett, but do his eyes deceive him? Sometimes things aren't the way we see them.

I don't own Castle; I only use the characters for amusement purposes, except the ones I create.

Also, we take liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events to make this more believable fiction, thanks. Remember This IS AU. Timelines, Events, and Outcomes may vary from the Original Script.

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Chp 3

Elevator from Morgue

Immediately after Kate leaves Lanie

Rick was on his phone, busy as always as he waited for the elevator to take him to street level so he could once again escape, he knew Beckett wasn't pleased, the look in her eyes made that perfectly clear. He was in the middle of reading an email when the elevator doors that had been closing suddenly opened up. He saw an arm sticking through the crack and knew that it was Beckett, she was going to have her say regardless of what he said.

He braced for impact as the brunette came stomping onto the elevator, and just looked at him for a long minute. At first, it was a battle of the stare-down, who would blink first and speak. Finally, Beckett, spit out in anger,

"OK Castle, what the hell is going on?" she demanded, she strategically positioned her body on the elevator entrance threshold and placed one hand on each door, preventing them from closing again.

"Beckett, what the hell is the matter with you, I told you, I'm needed in a meeting with my agent ASAP, I do have a full-time job you know" he spit back in the same aggravated tone that she had used.

"Rick, ever since that night in your loft, things have been weird between us, really weird, and I'm not the only one picking up on it. You come in, all smiles and acting like Castle, until you head towards me and your chair. Rick, what did I do, do you hate me, or are you angry at me" she asked, tears pooling in her eyes, her voice softening

"Of course, not Beckett, I told you I would do what you wanted us to do, and you wanted us both to forget what happened ever did. I'm trying to forget Kate, I really am, but once you share, and yes, we shared those kisses, you can't undo them." He said, his voice cracking,

"Rick, it's just that you have never just up and left me in the middle of an ongoing investigation, not in the three years we've worked together. The only time you ever left was when there was an emergency at home, not ever because Paula or Gina called and rattled your cage. It's almost like you are looking for and welcoming any and every excuse to leave, tell me that's not true?" She once again, stared into his blue eyes, knowing the man was almost humanly incapable of lying, at least to her.

"Look, I'm sorry if that's what you think Beckett when I told you I would do what you wanted, well, sometimes I need some away time, so it doesn't hurt so bad. Yes, you are here, the same smell coming from your hair, when I allow myself to get that close, but it's almost like showing a kid a whole tray of donuts, then telling him he will never get an opportunity to eat one.

"That's us Kate, I can look, but I can't touch, and I don't know how much longer I can do this." His voice had lost the vibrato, and the macho tone he had used when she first stepped onto the elevator. He was in pain, Kate could see that, but she didn't know what to do. If she tried to comfort him, they would wind up doing what he was trying to forget they ever did in the first place.

"This was not what I had in mind Rick, God, I have the same problem around you, but I don't avoid you, so I don't have to hurt every time I think of those few moments. Yes, I can remember them as if they just happened."

"You are quieter than usual, it seems like you're always distracted, you haven't thrown out any of your improbable theories and you are out of here faster than light every chance you get. What's up with you, Castle?

"Is it all because I wanted to forget what happened that night? If it is, I have news for you, I can't forget, and damn it, I don't want to, BUT I won't cheat on my boyfriend any more than you would anyone you were in a relationship with." She said, leaning more on one side as she fought to keep her composure,

Her last statement had hit home, he lowered his head, not prepared to meet her eyes, she could get him to do anything with those eyes, but this was killing him. He looked down, swallowed hard, clenched his fists, and then said in a very even and quiet tone, "Look, Beckett, I'm sorry if my behavior had you upset. That was not my intention at all." He never looked up, a sure sign that he was hurting,

She looked at him and thought how the hell do I fix this? When she began to speak her voice was stern and confident, but her eyes were almost begging. "Then tell me you are not avoiding me, that it's all in my mind, Rick, can you honestly tell me that?"

His face twisted almost in pain because they both knew exactly what was going on, but only one of them had the power to correct the situation. He was deliberately and blatantly avoiding her. He knew it, she knew it.

"Beckett, I need time to focus," he explained, raising his eyes to her face again. Her face was a mixture of both rage and tears burning in her eyes, showing the hurt she was feeling. "I seem to lose my focus when you're around, Kate. That's what happened the other day." He lied, it was the only thing he could come up with short of calling her out, forcing her to choose, him or the doctor, he wouldn't do that. He would rather lose her to Motorcycle Boy than feel she chose him by default.

"Rick what the hell does that mean, you lost your focus. Was I just a distraction, is that all that night was to you?" she echoed, trying to make sense of his words.

He shook his head no. "How can you ask me that question, were you merely a distraction, you know damn well what you were, what you are. Kate, you can't go back and undo a kiss. Once you've been kissed, then it's out there in the universe for all time's sake."

She squinted her eyes in confusion. "Rick, I thought we were both on the same page and wanted to treat that night, in the same fashion. Why didn't you tell me then?" She asked a tear leaked from her eye, knowing that she had hurt him once again,

He exhaled almost annoyed, wondering if she couldn't see it or simply didn't want to. Still, the concerned stare she was watching him with softened his anger and his reply.

"Beckett, let's face it. You know as well as I do that what we are doing is playing hide and seek and we have from the start of our relationship here at the precinct. It's the same old story, Beckett, you hide, and I seek." She watched his Adam's apple bob in his throat as he swallowed hard.

"The difference is that when I finally find you, you hide again. We're going around our lives in circles, over and over. The truth, Kate, and God, I thought I would never say this, maybe I'm getting tired of looking for you, knowing what will happen next."

His words made so much sense that her head was spinning and she felt her stomach seize in dowses of nausea, she was close to throwing up her lunch.

"Is that why you were in Montgomery's office so long this morning Rick? Let me guess what you two were talking about, you never took back your resignation, did you?" She turned her head but he still saw the tears fall, she quickly retrieved a tissue and dabbed her eyes.

He nodded again, then said softly, "Kate, I'm so sorry. I am scheduled to leave for a promotional tour of the Nikki Heat movie in two months. I told Roy this morning that I wouldn't be back, and that I was sorry.

"I didn't want to tell you this way, I was searching for a way to" he paused when he heard her sharp intake of breath and watched her take a step back, almost as if someone had physically punched her. She wasn't even trying to hide the hurt, and just how deeply his words impacted her. It was almost like she couldn't catch her breath. She wanted to run but where? Instead, she took a deep breath and stood there, shocked and dreading what else he was going to say.

"I finally reached a point where I had to see life as it was, not how I would like it to be. I knew, and I'm sure you did as well, it's not about the books anymore. It hasn't been for a long time, and as much as I'd like to keep fooling myself, and you, it was time to come clean." He paused pondering for a moment deciphering his own words, then said sadly. "Maybe it never was about the books at all."

She was wearing the very same expression she had that night in front of the warehouse when he surprised her by cupping her neck and then he kissed her. She was showing emotions she seldom revealed to anyone, she was frightened like a little lost girl. She looked like a deer caught in the headlights and it took all of his willpower not to kiss her again.

She was just standing there, he was at a loss for what to say, or do, so, he did the next best thing, he cautiously took a step closer to her, and when she didn't pull back, he circled her body in a tight embrace.

She relaxed almost immediately in his arms, gripping the fabric of his jacket firmly like it was the only way to keep him with her. She flattened her body against his, resting her head on his shoulder. Her cheek slightly brushed his as they both closed their eyes, enjoying the moment they both knew wouldn't come again, they stood savoring for a while, just a few moments, the sensation of being this close to each other.

"Rick, I should have known, hell I've been telling myself that this day would eventually come, but I never thought it would have been so difficult for me to let you go," she murmured quietly in his ears, as one of her hand loosened its grip on his jacket and raised to draw small delicate circles at the nape of his neck.

"Kate, it's not like I'm going to disappear forever," he whispered in her ear trying to reassure her.

She breathed out softly into his neck. "Don't make promises you can't keep, Rick." She went quiet for a few moments, then she spoke again. "Would you please do something for me?"

"Anything Kate, you know that" he answered softly, gently caressing her back.

"Rick, I'm serious, and I know how hard it's going to be, but can you Just be yourself these next two months? If I am going to lose you, then I need the real you with me for as long as you stay."

"I can do that." To let him know she appreciated the gesture she gave him a gentle squeeze before letting go. They were face to face again, looking at each other. He could sense her struggle with the effort to keep her emotions in check, he was having the same problem.

She took a deep breath, then the Kate Beckett that most of the real world saw every day appeared. She struggled but pasted on the best-faked smile he had ever seen on her face. "Sure, you can, Mr. Castle, remember that I'm the one with the gun." As she took a step back and let the elevators close, eliminating her view of the man who was going to, hell, he already had broken her heart.

She held that pose until Rick was on his way up to the street-level exit, he never saw that fake smile crumbling just a moment later. He never saw her eyes close, trying desperately to hold back the waterworks that had sprung a leak. He never saw her suddenly burst into anger when her clenched fist connected with the wall at her left. He never saw or heard a defeated Kate Beckett run to the lady's room, find a stall, and cry her eyes out.

Kate hadn't noticed the presence of her best friend, Lannie Parrish, taking up a position in the office across from the elevator bay. She had heard most, if not all of the conversation, and one thing she was certain of if she let the writer walk away, she was the one that needed mental health.

She allowed her friend twenty minutes to gain control, then the door squeaked as she entered the lady's room. Beckett was standing, unmoving in front of the mirror, and even from the distance she could see her eyes were red from crying. She watched as the detective's hands were gripping the sink for dear life, her head bent down. She had attempted to allow her long brown hair to shield her from prying eyes.

She approached slowly, and carefully, "Kate, Girlfriend it's me. Are you ok?"

Beckett's shoulders moved in synch with the sob she let out. "How much did you hear, Lannie?"

Beckett's voice was low and so sad that Lanie paused, and thought for a moment if she should lie to make her feel at ease. "I'm sorry, I wasn't trying but I heard pretty much everything." she eventually confessed. She tried to ease the sting of invading her privacy by adding, "But don't worry, I'm the only one down here today, so your secrets are safe."

Beckett remained standing with the death grip on the sink, silent, barely moving at all. Lanie's concern for her friend forced her into coming closer. She turned her back to the mirror and leaned her hips against the sink next to her friend, crossing her arms on her chest and staring absently before her.

"Hey Kate, Wanna talk about it?" She asked, already knowing the response she expected to receive. A few minutes later she heard,

"Not really," Kate said, in typical Beckett fashion. She wouldn't flinch, she wouldn't back down, and she seldom let anyone help her with anything.

"Kate, don't bite my head off, but maybe you should," she murmured loud enough to be heard.

Kate's head turned suddenly, a harsh expression on her face. "What do you mean by that, Lanie, I got this under control, you think I need to talk?"

Lanie cocked her head to the side and arched an eyebrow at her, in what was unmistakably a 'really?' posture.

"Kate, look at yourself girl, you're a wreck, and I'm your best friend."

Beckett slowly turned again towards the mirror, taking in her appearance. Her eyes were red and puffy, black fading tracks were marking her cheeks where her mascara oozed along with her silent tears. Maybe Lanie was right, perhaps she had a valid point.

"So, I'll ask you again, wanna talk about it?" she offered together with a tissue.

She slowly let her breath out and reached for the tissue, for the next several minutes she spent wiping vigorously at the black trails like she could have swept away all the evidence she'd been crying. Finally, she took a deep breath and said quietly "He's leaving Lannie."

"So, I've heard. It's the reason I couldn't understand, his voice was too low, sorry" She said as Kate shot her a look,

"He's leaving to promote the Nikki Heat movie, or so he says" she replied uneasily.

"KATHERINE BECKETT" Lanie pronounced her name slowly, almost like a warning. She could be as intimidating as a cop if she wanted to. "I asked for the real reason, not the bullshit that is going to be published in the NY Times." She said, in a tone that Kate knew, her friend was reaching out to help her, so she better grab the extended rope.

Beckett shrugged. "We've been through a lot these past two months and I think the dirty bomb case got to him so much that he is burned out. He hasn't been the same since that case. Who could blame him, hell we almost died three times in a 24-hour time frame."

"So basically, you're telling me he's freaking out," Lanie said puzzled. "I don't buy that, not after what Castle's been through, It's way out of character for him."

Kate sighed. Lanie knew she was searching for the right words, or how to put it? "Things happened that may have... unsettled him."

Beckett made a face. She saw the gears turning in Lanie's head at her poor choice of words and she could pinpoint the exact moment when all the pieces finally clicked together. "Oh." Lanie murmured slightly surprised "That kind of thing. You two FINALLY..."

"No." Kate hurried to point up. "No, nothing of the sort!"

"Then what are we talking about here exactly?" Lannie pressed, what other kind of things could force him to leave the job and people he loves, Kate?

"We just... kissed." the detective said with a dismissing movement of her hand. "Twice." She added in a thin, guilty voice, almost as an afterthought.

Lanie's eyes grew instantly as big as saucers then narrowed as she considered if she should feel more shocked about her two friends finally getting some action or insulted because Kate hadn't thought of sharing this information with her sooner. "GIRLFRIEND, why didn't you tell me this?

"A bigger question is why is he leaving when he should be glued to your side? That boy has loved you forever" Lanie asked confused. Then her jaw dropped in disdain. "Oh wait, Kate, you didn't!" Don't tell me that you," but the lack of answer from Beckett just proved her intuition to be right. "You turned him down!"

Beckett opened her arm palms up, visibly frustrated. "I'm in a relationship with Josh, Lanie! He knew that, and he knows I share his value of faithfulness, I won't cheat." Tears returned to her eyes,

"I'm wondering why at this point," Lannie replied sarcastically.

From the disapproving look her friend directed at her, Lanie could see that she didn't appreciate the sarcasm. "Josh is a great guy, Lanie. He cares about me, and he wants to make things work between us."

"Sure thing, honey. You know what is missing in this conversation, what is missing, in it, and your relationship with Dr. MB, the L-word in all of this." Kate, you have to decide, do you love him, or better yet, do you love him enough to lose Rick? It was all a probability before, honey you have two months before reality sets in."

"I do love Josh." Kate shot back, too quickly,

"I'm sure you care about him." Lanie conceded. Kate was about to complain when Lanie raised her hand to stop her.

"Uh uh, don't say it again," she warned, shaking her head. "Because we both know it's not true. You can't make it so just by you keep saying it, love doesn't work that way and you know it."

"How can you be so sure I'm lying?"

"I didn't say you are lying, honey, I said it isn't the truth," Lanie remarked. "And I know it for sure because the Kate Beckett I know doesn't go around kissing other guys if she's in love with her man."

"Castle isn't just another guy." There was no point in denying this, Kate conceded. "Lanie, what do I do, God, I mean I'm so screwed up now"

Lanie smiled smugly. "No, Castle isn't just another guy, he's the guy that loves you more than his own life."

Kate averted her eyes from Lanie and bit on her lower lip, something she often did when she was pensive or just nervous. At that moment she was both because she suddenly wanted- no, needed Lanie to understand what Castle meant to her.

"When..." she began hesitantly "when my mother died, I felt a void inside of me that I soon realized I couldn't fill. Actually," she smiled bitterly "after a while, I was fine with that. Then Castle came into the picture and, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself he was just a cocky writer with an adorable smile.

Even though he lived his life on page six, he was real, he always seemed to say the perfect thing and do the perfect thing." Her voice was full of emotion at this point. "He took this Beckett puzzle all mixed and messed up and put it together again, piece by piece. Other than Royce, I never felt this way about a man, Castle made me feel whole again."

Lanie didn't reply immediately, letting what Kate just told her sink. She sat quietly until she could see that Kate had processed what she had just said.

"You know, there's a word to describe that feeling, honey," Lanie said softly,

The two women stared at each other silently, but the words Lanie spoke gripped Beckett's heart in a tight fist. She exhaled loudly, passing her hand through her hair and casting her eyes down frustrated.

"He can't be what I need, Lanie."

Lanie couldn't understand why she was trying so hard to keep Castle at a distance. "He gave yourself back to you, Kate, what else do you need?"

Beckett seemed to ponder for a moment her question. "I need to be in control." she finally answered. "When he's around I don't think, I just act."

"That scares you?"

Kate nodded. "It terrifies me." She groaned in frustration and covered her face with her hands. "I won't throw away another good relationship for him, Lanie."

Lanie knew without even asking that she was referring to Demming. Unfortunately, that time Kate realized too late who she wanted, and Lanie couldn't help but wonder if her friend could see she was stubbornly making the same mistake once again.

"Second best is never enough, honey. Don't throw away your chance for happiness, you deserve it."

"I could be happy with Josh."

Lanie arched an eyebrow skeptically. "You are with Dr. Dreamy now, yet you are still in this bathroom weeping because Castle is leaving."

Beckett groaned at Lanie's bluntness and leaned her head on the wall behind her, closing her eyes. "Lanie..."

Hearing Kate's tired voice Lanie hoped she hadn't pushed the issue further than intended. "Sorry, I overstepped." she apologized.

"No, you didn't." Beckett opened her eyes and smiled mirthlessly. "That's exactly what I'm doing, right?"

Lanie nodded apologetically. "Come here, girl," she said opening her arms "You look like you could use a hug."

Beckett laughed at that, taking a step forward and wrapping her arms firmly around her friend. "Thanks, Lanie, I don't know what I would do without you sister, she murmured gratefully, Lanie's hold on her tightening in response.

TBC

This was an emotional chapter that I just couldn't seem to find a logical point to break, not without losing the angst, uncertainty, and guidance Kate needs so desperately.