One clear day in the lush land of the Mushroom Kingdom, the sound of churning gears and motors carried across a sect of the countryside as a T-90MS Tank rolled along a dusty road, it's treads collecting dust as it went.

The tank turned around, rolling off the road for a time as it moved around a mushroom in the grass, before moving back onto the road. Up and down, all around, it went. The gun on the tank often rotated left and right before facing forward again, facing the direction the tank moved in.

A Goomba walked by, saw the tank from a short distance, and then walked off. A few Koopas watched from a distance, then they left without a word. The tank then stopped and rolled back, then it rolled forward again.

Back and forth, back and forth, then it moved forward once again, moving along the dusty countryside road. The hatch popped open and a man wearing sunglasses emerged with a wide grin.

"Oh yeah, I love a tank ride, booooyyyyyyyy..." Swagmaster6969696969 said excitedly, "Bring out the tanks, bring out the army, here come the tanks. Who will protect the Mushroom Kingdom no matter the number of guns, we're the war huns..."

Another hatch opened up and Swagmaster's associate Chris Gordman emerged, his facial expression firm as he surveyed the area around them.

"Focus, Swag." He said, "This is supposed to be a patrol, not a joy ride."

"C'mon, Chris. Riding a tank is lots of fun." Swag quipped back, "And there's not even a sign of trouble in sight."

"We're patrolling the Mushroom Kingdom from threats and there is a time and a place for fun, take this more seriously and don't drive around in circles. This isn't a fancy car, this is a war machine built for combat, and now isn't the time for showtunes."

Swag just shrugged. "If ya say so, my pal, my bro, my comrade-in-arms." He remarked.

Back in the tank the guards went, the engines revved up again and the tank rolled across the road, rolling through the Mushroom Kingdom countryside and often turning around before going forward again. The guns moved up, left and right, Swag and Chris keeping an eye out for troublesome threats to the Mushroom Kingdom.

Occasionally, Swag would pop out of the tank with binoculars, looking around the countryside and often watching the sky for threats that could potentially come from either direction, even above.

Just then, a high-pitched sound prompted Swag to pull out his gun, only for him to relax when he saw a blue hedgehog in red shoes and white gloves nearby, waving casually.

"Hey, hey, hey." Sonic the Hedgehog said.

"Hey, Sonic." Swag quipped back.

"Have a good day, Sonic." Chris happily popped up to greet the blue hedgehog.

"Hope you don't get in too much trouble with work, guard boy." Sonic winked to Swag, "Anyway, see ya."

ZOOM!

"Nice guy." Chris commented.

"Yup." Swag nodded.

Chris chuckled, "But he sure ain't waifu material."

"Yeah, why the heck would a silly guy fall in love with a hedgehog who runs fast and make him his waifu?"

"Like, that ever really happened."

Swag then turned sharply. "My trouble senses are tingling." He said, "Battle stations!"

The guards popped back in the tank and Swag rotated the gun, surveying the countryside until he spotted a fat gray-white rabbit who looked like an odd bootlegged version of Bugs Bunny from the old Looney Tunes shows.

The Big Chungus approached, carrying a Bazooka with a mad grin on it's face, eager to start stirring up destructive trouble.

"TROUBLE ABOUND!" Swag yelled.

"BLAST HIM!" Chris cried.

"Say cheese, you ugly rabbit, your memes were trash anyway!"

Swag pressed a big blue button and an electronic voice said; "Nut."

The tank's barrel fired with a BOOM that shook the countryside. Once the dust and smoke settled, there was nothing left but a smoking crater, no trace of the Chungus.

"Fatality!" Swag declared.

Chris chuckled. "Yeah, that ugly bootleg rabbit got what it deserved for approaching us like that." He said.

Just then, whirring noises prompted the guards to look up, spotting several UFOs descending upon the Mushroom Kingdom. That meant one thing, aliens were invading. Either someone had gotten their belongings stuck in a door again or the aliens were out to take over the world and enslave humanity as they did so.

Swag frowned in a serious manner. "No aliens are gonna take over my town on my watch." He said, "It's terminator time!"

"There's no time to watch old sci-fi movies, Swag!" Chris said.

"We're blasting alien bastards to the land where bastards belong." Swag took the controls and drove after the alien spaceships, ready for battle, he could see the ships were approaching Mushroom Town and there was no way those things were going to enslave the citizens or ravage everything.

Both guards prepared everything they had and Swag targeted the ships, steadying the gun into perfect position. Then, once he had a ship in sight, he pulled the trigger and the tank opened fire again.

KA-BOOM! The ship exploded and what was left of it collided with some of the other ships, sending them crashing down in a fiery explosion. The other alien ships turned away from Mushroom Town and headed towards the tank, the alien pilots knowing where the shot had come from.

Swag popped up with a silly grin and flipped the bird. "You ain't gonna do sh*t on my watch, you extraterrestrial mofos." He declared, "Not when you're up against military extraordinaire, Commander Swagmaster696969696969 and his ally Corporal Chris."

"FIRE ALREADY!" Chris yelled.

His accomplice popped back inside the tank and opened fire, unleashing every last inch of ammo on the incoming alien ships before those things could fire their weapons.

The two guards fired and fired until every last alien was out of the sky. The remaining ships still in the air flew off, knowing they'd underestimated the world they'd been about to invade. Once the surviving aliens had vanished from sight, Swag popped up to punch the air excitedly.

"Take that, you damn worthless invaders!" He said triumphantly.

Chris emerged, scratching his head. "Were those the same aliens that attacked whenever Mario got his lasagna stuck in the door or were those different invaders from a different world?" He asked.

Swag shrugged. "Does it matter?" He asked back, "We saved innocent lives, I would call this a good tank patrol. But we will continue patrolling and keeping an eye out for more trouble."

Bothering not to even counter his friend's words, Chris was silent as he went back inside the tank and Swag took the controls again.

The two guards continued rolling around the countryside, keeping alert for potential threats abound, serving and protecting the lush and colorful lands of the Mushroom Kingdom on behalf of it's military...

*Meanwhile*

Mario yelped and banged on the door, struggling as best he could to get free. All he wanted was milk and spaghetti, but that fridge door had closed without warning and now, Mario's little buddy was stuck in it.

This was the fourth time, the fourth time he'd gotten his special sausage stuck in a door. If anything, that one time he got it stuck in the door at the place where they would build the new castle didn't count as nothing had been built. Absurd video game & cartoon-y physics and logic.

"MAMA MIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Mario screamed.

Close by, the Toad face-palmed, flabbergasted by it all. It would take a while to get the plumber unstuck from the fridge and it needed to be fixed, at least nothing else could happen.

The End