The Eyes Have It

by Castlefan6

Authors Note: This is AU; Builds on Episodes 3-14, 16, and 17. Castle sees what he thinks is the event to seal his departure from Beckett, but do his eyes deceive him? Sometimes things aren't the way we see them.

I don't own Castle; I only use the characters for amusement purposes, except the ones I create.

Also, we take liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events to make this more believable fiction, thanks. Remember This IS AU. Timelines, Events, and Outcomes may vary from the Original Script.

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Chp 5

Beckett's Apartment

Later the Same Evening Continued

PREVIOUSLY

"Ok." Josh simply said after a few moments of perusal. He kissed her tenderly on the cheek, then squeezed slightly her hips before letting her go. Then he turned and sat on the couch, opening the pizza box and bringing a slice to his mouth.

CURRENT TIME

Kate knew that Josh didn't place a priority on other's feelings, especially hers since he thought her job wasn't suited for someone of her caliber. She deserved to be a real professional, like a lawyer, or senator, not just a homicide cop. The excuses she had given were less than weak, and even Josh, with his self-centered ego, would pick up that something was bothering her, and it wasn't the case as she had said it was.

She tried to lose herself in the TV, some comic was telling jokes that to her weren't funny, but had Josh laughing hysterically. She leaned back and zoned out, allowing him the freedom to unwind from his day of work, as she leaned against the hand attached to the arm, he had thrown over her as an afterthought when she joined him on the couch.

Her mind began to drift to the thousand things she hadn't shared with him, personal things, hell Castle knew them, why hadn't she shared them with her boyfriend? There was a whole part of her life she kept from Josh and for more than the hundredth time, she wondered why.

First on that list were the details of her mother's death, all she had shared with Josh, was that her mother was deceased, nothing more. All of the intimate details, including the trip to Coney Island, the stick figure in her desk drawer at work, and the reason he was created. Josh knew none of that information, yet, who did? Castle, of course, she had poured her heart and soul out to him within a month of working with him. It felt good, right, almost comforting to share those details with someone who listened and wouldn't offer advice or criticize her actions.

Next on that list was certainly taboo, she would never be able to explain the friendship she and Castle shared, regardless of how hard she tried. Josh had already made his judgment and Castle was his enemy, his competition as if she were a prize for the winner of some prize fight between two combatants.

She thought to herself, how the hell could she explain the emptiness she was feeling just knowing that Castle would be gone in two months? She knew Josh would dismiss that as good riddance, he was just a writer with deep connections that had forced his way into her life. If she couldn't tell him the truth about how miserable she was feeling, how would she ever be able to tell him about the kiss, well kisses?

With her eyes closed, she relived those moments of his lips on hers, it sent a shiver up her spine and down her arm, a shiver that Josh even felt. "Kate, if you're cold, here is the blanket, I'm sorry I tossed it in the chair when I sat down," Josh said still half watching the TV, not fully focused on her, or her emotions.

She couldn't help but remember the second kiss, even more passionate, more desperate than the first-, and this time shivers shook her entire body. She opened her eyes to see Josh looking at her,

"Are you cold?" he asked cautiously, fully focused on her, not the TV, casting a glance toward the discarded blanket.

She shook her head NO, how the hell could she tell him that she was remembering a kiss from his chief adversary that moved her to the point of a physical reaction?

This time he didn't give up. "Kate, you know you can tell me everything, right?" almost sensing that something was troubling his girlfriend,

"I know, and thank you, she smiled at his thoughtfulness. "I'm not good at it, I mean sharing, I never have been, I'm sorry." That was a truthful answer.

Josh's hand took hers, and gently said, "You'd be surprised at how easy it is, once you do it a few times. You make it look, and sound a lot more difficult than it is." He said, softly, but with a little agitation showing in his voice,

"Opening up to people, it's not what I do." she shrugged apologetically and turned her head so she wouldn't see the hurt, or anger sweeping across his face.

Josh tried, but somehow just couldn't conceal the look of hurt that crossed his face, as he said low and firm, "I'm not people, Kate.", lowering her hand from his face and physically leaning away from her. Josh looked at her, almost as if he expected a reply to his statement, a reply that never came.

His face didn't try to hide the frustration and disappointment as he said, "I don't get it. When you asked me to stay in the States and not go on so many DWB missions, I thought it was because you wanted a commitment. Now that I have done what you asked, you keep on shutting me out, Kate. You don't talk to me, hell I can count on one hand the number of times you've been the first to touch me, or reach out to kiss me hello or goodbye. How many times have we made love since I stayed home, do you even know or care?" He spewed, his anger and disappointment clearly showing in his voice.

His words were delivered at the worst possible time, Kate stood up, her eyes burning with contempt, who the hell does he think he is she thought.

"That's what this is all about, Josh? Me not banging you?" She almost shouted at him.

Josh raised from the couch and turned to face the source of the onslaught "That's not what I meant, and you know it, we are more than that! At least in my eyes, Kate, I'm not sure what you see us as lately,"

"Are we really more than that?" she spat back at him. "You come over unannounced, and can't pick up that I've had a miserable day, what do you want from me, to push my feelings aside, so I can jump into bed and take care of your physical needs because you found time for me?

"I almost died three times last week, so forgive me if I haven't crawled into your fucking bed every night since then but I was kind of busy picking up the pieces of my life and trying to put them back together." She was furious, how dare he?

Josh tried to calm the situation by putting a hand on each of her shoulders to console her. "I know what you went through, Kate, I was there with you." Her face told him instantly, BAD MOVE, she only became even more irate and her anger towards him increased.

Kate gave him the most bitter look, before she turned away, trying to calm herself, he made the mistake of turning her head gently When her gaze met his again her face was harder, and as she spoke her voice was deadly quiet, in the lowest tone he had ever heard her speak in.

"Really Josh? You were there with me as I almost died? Was it you that was holding me when I was freezing to death? Was it you that took the lining out of your coat to cover me with, leaving yourself even more vulnerable to the cold?"

She took two steps toward him, raising a finger menacingly to his chest. "Was it you that watched with me as our final seconds on this earth ticked away before YOU grabbed the wires in an act of desperation? Was it you that saved more lives that morning than any doctor ever will in their operating room?"

By this time, Josh had also become angry, angry that his girlfriend had shared such intimate moments with her writer. She hadn't said who was with her, but if she was in danger, he knew that Castle would be there to back her up. He dropped his hands from her shoulders as her poking finger became a fist.

"You weren't, Josh." her voice cracked slightly, and tears threatened to spill from her eyes. "So don't you dare say you were there with me, 'cause you were not."

Then her tears began to fall as she slammed one first then the other against his chest, he stood there, and let her take it out on him. She cried and hit, hit and cried until she finally stopped throwing punches and rested against his chest and just cried softly.

"Shh, Kate, shh. It's ok, I'm here now, it's ok." he soothed tenderly, wrapping his arms around her thin frame. "It's ok to let go." He felt her leaning into him and kissed her forehead as one of his hands caressed her head reassuringly. She was falling apart, and Josh knew this behavior was what she hated the worst, being vulnerable, being able to feel the feelings she tried so hard to repress.

He held her silently, gently stroking her hair, not saying another word, letting her cry herself out. After several minutes the tears had stopped, and she was breathing normally again, she fell into his arms, ashamed of her display of emotion, and her harsh words. Josh couldn't help he wasn't Castle; he never would be.

Finally, he risked speaking "Better?" he asked quietly,

She nodded, looking at him sheepishly. "Josh, I'm sorry."

She had barely gotten the words out before Josh hugged her tighter. "Kate, don't be sorry, you're human not a Supercop. Even you can only take so much" he tried to assure her

She knew it was wrong, in so many ways, but the only thing she could think of as Josh whispered reassurances while he held her, was what she and Castle discussed in the decontamination tent, about how she wanted someone to be there for her. Her words echoed in her ears, in times like these, she needed someone to be there, if not physically, at least emotionally.

She needed to know she could turn to someone when the load got this heavy, and as much as she tried to ignore the truth, or convince Lanie she knew that Josh could never be that person. True, he rarely was there physically, but what was even more hurtful was the emotional distance between them. She had to admit, the first criterion of the blame fell solely on him, BUT the emotional part, she owned and was the only one to blame.

She recalled an argument that she had with Castle, turns out he was right, she DID constantly flee from relationships, and she was the one sabotaging them. That was exactly what happened last year, when she hooked up with Demming to keep him at a distance, only to realize too late that Tom wasn't a solution. She realized that every man she had in almost two years was just a mere substitute for Castle. Josh was no exception.

Several more minutes had passed until she could clear her head of those thoughts, and find her voice, finally, she said,

"Josh, I'm so very sorry, I've been through a lot during these past weeks, but I shouldn't have unloaded everything on you." she said with guilt in her voice, "It's not your fault. It's never been."

Josh had just opened his mouth to reply when the damn phone rang, as usual always interrupting something important. He began to release her to allow her to answer the phone, but her hold on to him remained just as tight, "Kate..."

"Shhh... Let it ring." she murmured tiredly against his shirt "The machine will pick up the message."

Josh nodded and wrapped her smaller body in his arms once more just as the machine beeped.

"Hey, it's me..." Oh God, trust Castle to find the right moment to appear, even if it was only on the answering machine,

"I tried your phone, but it was off so... uh... I just called to let you know that everything is settled for Saturday night." She could feel Josh's muscles tense under her hands, she had mentioned it to him, but she knew he had forgotten and that he wouldn't be so happy to hear it, especially from the writer himself.

"Guess, uh... guess I'll see you at the precinct in the morning then... until tomorrow, detective."

After Castle hung up for a few seconds neither Josh nor Kate spoke. Then he pulled back confused.

"What is he talking about, Kate? What's on Saturday night?" His eyes bored into hers,

"A fundraiser. I told you about it after we worked the lottery case, that Rick was going to set up a scholarship." She said, stronger than she thought,

"And you're going with him?" he asked warily.

" I was trying to pick up the best time to remind you, Dad is taking me since it is for someone special to us."

"The best time Kate?" he cut her off "You could have reminded me anytime, it's just a stupid fundraiser, for God's sake! What the hell is so important that Castle has to drag you into his social events now.?"

"It's not an ordinary fundraiser, Josh." she winced. "It's in my mother's memory."

"Your mother?" He asked, looking confused and hurt.

Another part of the Beckett onion had been revealed, and she could tell that she really should have leveled with him much sooner. It was a lie by omission, as Castle would have said.

"Long story short, a few months ago after we solved the Lottery winner case, Castle had this idea, to establish a scholarship in her honor and host a fundraiser to fund it."

"Why Kate? Why in heaven's name would he do such a thing?" There was something in his voice, a bitter edge she had never heard before that caused her to answer back just the same way.

"What do you mean by that?" She fired back,

"You don't see it, Kate, seriously?" he stared at her blank face. When she remained silent with the same puzzled look on her face, he continued.

"He used his money and his friends in high places to tail you at work and now is doing the same thing to insinuate himself into your personal life. He overstepped the boundary and what's worse you seem to be perfectly fine with it!" He snarled, hurt, and confused

"Josh, that's not fair. You don't know Castle, and you know nothing about my mother." Kate said this aloud, but it wasn't meant for Josh. It was meant for herself, a reminder of the reasons why she really should not continue to live this lie.

"You're right Kate, I know nothing because you won't talk to ME about it!" he protested "Apparently you are comfortable sharing some of the most intimate details of your life with the writer. Let me ask you, and you owe me the truth, is that the only thing you share with him?" He asked, and never saw her hand coming, but the sound of her open palm smacking his face echoed through her apartment.

She hadn't realized what she had done until she surveyed a shocked and bewildered Josh standing before her with a huge red welt beginning to form across his face.

As she spoke again her voice was low and colder than steel.

"I told you that my mother was deceased, I didn't tell you that she was murdered nineteen years ago. We caught her killer only last year. That's why Castle knows about her." There was no point in telling Josh any more details about how she and Castle had connected, fought, and come back together again, or the fact that the writer paid a ransom of $100,000 to find the killer.

"Kate, I'm sorry, I didn't know, I shouldn't have said anything" Josh backtracked, he had never seen his girlfriend in this kind of mood, and it scared him.

"You're right, Josh. You should have kept your mouth shut." she paused briefly to regain her self-control before whispering coldly "Now get out, we're over. Don't call me again, your stuff will be at the super's office tomorrow now get out and I mean it, I have a gun and I will use it" Fire was in her eyes, and for the first time, Josh, realized why she was such a successful cop, she could be scary as hell.

He walked slowly to the door, turned, and said "Kate, I"

A pizza box flew by his head, as she yelled, "I said get out, the next time it will be something more lethal than that damn pizza box."

The door closed, and Kate thought, OK, now what do I do? How long should I wait, should I call him now? Looking at the time, she realized that she would see him in a few hours, maybe they could slip out to lunch to talk, she needed to see his face when she told him about Josh, was there any interest in her, or had she destroyed any hope of that as well? God, she hated being an adult, it was so much simpler when she was a kid, just worried about who would ask her to the dance.

TBC

People have mixed feelings about Josh, I didn't like or dislike him. He was brought in to act as a foil to a relationship that one lead wanted the other to avoid like the plague. I thought he would have been a decent partner for Beckett, they shared many of the same personalities, and I did like him much better than Sorensen, or Demming, just my taste. Oh well, BYE JOSH.