December 1992

He'd had the adoption papers drawn up weeks ago, yet it never seemed like the right time to ask the boy who was now under his care to become his son. This would be a big step for the both of them, and one he never expected to take given how rocky their relationship started - from his own doing - at the beginning of last year. He'd already asked Albus and Minerva, and they both graciously agreed to be their witnesses, and their case worker from the Ministry of Magic Department of Children's Services had been owling him weekly about setting up the necessary interviews and inspections. Everything was in order and ready to go on his command, but he couldn't do any of that until he asked Harry... And he couldn't ask Harry until he explained the truth about why the young boy's parents had been killed, and his role in it, thus leaving him in a position to be adopted in the first place. Severus had never really had a conscience, nevertheless even his small one wouldn't let him ignore something as big as this. It would be difficult enough to adopt the Boy-Who-Lived as a former Death Eater and he could do without any surprises along the way.

As a simple man, he didn't have any elaborate plans in place to ask Harry, but he knew he wanted to do it during the Christmas holiday; this way neither would be distracted by end of term work and exams. Harry was finishing up his first term of second year, and it had been a particularly difficult one with almost the entire school convinced he was the Heir of Slytherin, especially after the Parselmouth incident, so he didn't want to add to the stress the young wizard was under. And explaining that he'd basically been the reason his parents were killed would do just that.

"Are we going home for Christmas?" Harry asked at dinner the night after the other students left the castle for holiday.

Unsure if Harry would want to go back to Spinner's End, Severus had remained non-committal about their plans. For now, Harry was staying in their quarters until Severus could finish closing up the classroom for the holiday, anyway, giving them at least two days to figure out their own plans.

"That depends," Severus responded, refilling Harry's glass of pumpkin juice from across their small kitchen table, "do you want to spend it at Spinner's End? Your friends are staying here, correct?"

There was another reason Severus wasn't committing to Spinner's End just yet and why he chose to have this conversation today, while they were still at Hogwarts. Harry very well could need to stay away from him tonight and the last thing he wanted was to make the young wizard feel trapped.

"Yeah, but they know I might not stay this year. It's our first Christmas after all."

The professor could tell Harry was nervous and if he wanted to be honest, he was as well. He'd never really celebrated Christmas with anyone let alone a child. His parents never put much effort into the season; his best Christmas wasn't even spent with his own family, instead it was when he went skiing with the Evan's in his fourth year. Then as an adult, he was always alone, unless Albus grudgingly pulled him to some school function or another. Now though, he was the adult and it was supposed to be his responsibility to do for the child in his care what neither of them have ever had. It took him far out of his comfort zone, and yet he found himself deep down wanting to do something for Harry this Christmas.

"I'll leave it up to you, but, Harry, there is something I'd like to discuss first," the Potions Master took a deep breath; it was now or never.

"Is everything ok, Severus?" Harry asked timidly.

"I hope so," he looked up into those emerald green eyes; the exact replica of Lily's eyes. This was going to be difficult and he deserved no less; this should not be easy for him.

Severus gestured for them to go into the sitting room, where Harry took his normal place on the worn sofa and Severus in his armchair. Resisting the urge to pour himself a glass of firewhiskey - reminding himself again, this wasn't supposed to be easy - he propped his elbows on his knees and leaned forward towards the young wizard. Harry looked so young and pure, his face still rounded before he grew into his features, his eyes full of innocence and trust; a trust that Severus was about to shatter. For a second he considered dropping the entire adoption idea, just to save Harry from the emotional pain this would do to him. His guardianship was supposed to be temporary, never did he expect to fall in love with the child or to want to adopt him.

Though Severus had already told the raven-haired boy about him and Lily meeting and coming to Hogwarts, he started with that part of the story again; because really this was about Lily and James. He tried to stay as neutral and age-appropriate as possible when talking about his interactions with James Potter; it was the least he could do with the information he was still withholding. Harry should have a good picture in his mind of his parents. And so he told Harry that while James had been a bit of a bully - Severus needed some occlumency to get through that part of the conversation - but that he'd heard eventually the other wizard outgrew that and became a good young man when he'd married Lily. He then told the Gryffindor at a very high-level that he did something stupid one year that drove him and Lily apart and while he never spoke with her after that, he'd never stopped caring for her as his friend.

He paused there. None of that part of the story was new and Harry's confusion spotlighted that fact.

"I know all of that," Harry predictably said, "about my parents."

"I know," Severus took what should have been a deep cleansing breath, but only managed to make him feel more nervous, more suffocated. "Have you heard the term 'Death Eater' before?"

He chose to start there because in all of his planning of this, he realized that Harry probably had no idea what they were. As expected, Harry shook his head and furrowed his eyes because it didn't take Merlin to be able to connect the dots on what role they played.

"They were followers of Voldemort-" he chose to use the name because oddly enough it would make Harry feel more comfortable as that was the name he was used to using for the dark wizard. "There was a time in my life when I aspired to be one. And after Hogwarts, I was recruited and joined."

Harry's breathing almost stopped as he digested the information he had been told. Severus knew he couldn't hide any of the truth because it would be unburied during the adoption process and he needed Harry to hear it from him instead of people at the ministry.

"Why?" Harry asked.

It was a simple question - one word - that held so much weight. But if the Gryffindor was willing to ask, then maybe he could at least consider forgiveness when he knew the whole truth.

"I grew-up in a household not too dissimilar to yours at the Dursleys, " he started. "My mother was a witch and my father a muggle who tolerated her at best even before he knew about her magic. When I came along and was 'just like her' it only made the situation worse. At the best of times, my father and I were not on speaking terms and at the worst of times… we'll just leave it at that.

"My mother's family was deep into the Dark Arts and I found that burying myself into a book on that topic eased some of my despair growing up. Between that and the fact that my father hated the wizarding world, when the opportunity to explore the Dark Arts while fighting for equality amongst muggles, against the people like my father, I took it. I craved the validation they gave me, the idea that muggles were to blame and they deserved to be the ones in hiding instead of people like us. Somehow I felt that had my mother not been forced to give away the wizarding world for her abusive husband's world, she might have been happier with her life, and mine."

He paused again to let this information sink in for both himself and Harry. The Gryffindor was toeing his trainers as he mirrored Severus's own position, leaning over with his arms resting on his knees.

Even though it made Severus vulnerable, he unbuttoned his left shirt sleeve and rolled it up to show Harry his dark mark, which he was positive the young wizard had caught a glimpse of before.

"This is the Dark Mark and was bored by a selection of Death Eaters within Voldemort's ranks who were considered his most loyal and his most trusted, who were considered his 'inner circle'. When one of the Death Eaters joined this rank, he or she was marked with his symbol. It was used by Voldemort to summon this inner circle and when he needed them, he simply called them using this mark. It would burn and when pressed, would immediately bring the Death Eater to his side.

"I was in his inner circle, as you can see, however I eventually regretted it deeply and by the end, I became a spy for Professor Dumbledore. Until the day Voldemort disappeared, I pledged myself against him."

It was at this point that Harry started to ask a lot of questions about his decision to join the megalomaniac that was still actively trying to kill him. Severus didn't try to patronize the boy, but instead validated his fear, making sure to explain that the Headmaster would not have hired him to be around children if he had been dangerous. Harry immediately brought up Quirrell, so that ended up being a bad reason, and they had a laugh over it together easing some of the tension in the air. In the end, he'd managed to explain to Harry that Albus trusted him completely.

"What caused you to change your mind?" Harry asked the question Severus had been leading him to, after he walked back into the sitting room with a tray of tea and biscuits levitating in front of him. Harry had taken a break to change into his pyjamas; a bright red flannel set.

Severus thought hard on how to word the event that had been, even now, his deepest regret. "Well, Voldemort threatened someone very important to me."

Harry furrowed his brow, "Who? If you were one of his inner circle, shouldn't that person have been safe?"

"No one was safe from Voldemort, Harry. You know that." He didn't say it as a way to scare the twelve year old, he was being honest with the boy.

Harry's face fell, "It was my mother, wasn't it?"

"Yes, Harry," he nodded and ran his open palm down his face, "Lily, and more specifically you, were targeted by Voldemort and I knew it was only a matter of time before he went after her. So I went to Professor Dumbledore to ask that he keep her safe, and in return I pledged my service to his side."

There was a pregnant pause over the two occupants in the small sitting room.

"I asked Professor Dumbledore at the end of last year why Voldemort wanted to kill me as a baby," Harry quietly said, his head hung low. They had finally arrived at the reason for this entire night. "Do you know why?"

Unable to find his voice to answer the question, Severus nodded. Then, ignoring the churning of his stomach, he started to speak before he could talk himself out of it, "There was a prophecy made about a boy born at the end of July, the year you were born. It said this boy would eventually defeat the Dark Lord and that he would be born to parents who've defied him three times… it was no secret that your parents fought valiantly against him."

"So," Harry said sniffling and swiping away the tears that had come to his eyes, "this prophecy is the reason he wanted to kill me? Then I was the reason for my parents' death."

Severus's heart broke over that statement - it was not asked as a question. That was the last place he wanted Harry to put the blame. This child was not responsible for his own parents' death.

"Not at all, Harry," he said quickly and confidently. "I was the Death Eater that brought the prophecy to Voldemort. I overheard it when it was originally made."

The air between them stood completely still, as if their entire home went into a sudden vacuum. The small clock on the mantle, the one that was normally too quiet to ever be heard, was blaring in his ear as the seconds ticked on, waiting for Harry to react.

"No," Harry immediately denied, to which Severus was quite surprised. Last year, it didn't take much for the trio of Gryffindors to decide he was evil enough to attempt to steal the Philosopher's Stone, yet now he was trying to deny the truth Severus had just explained, "it couldn't be…"

"I promise you, Harry," he went to place his hand on the young wizard's small knee, but pulled it back at the last moment, "if I could do it over, I wouldn't have said anything to him about it."

"But you knew he'd kill someone," again, it was a statement, not a question, "at the time, you knew he wouldn't just let someone go that could defeat him. So you told him about it knowing he would kill a child… me, and my parents."

The look of disgust that crossed Harry's face tore Severus apart inside. He caused that face, he caused that pain, the moment he told the Dark Lord what he'd overheard in the Hogshead all those years ago. It was by far his biggest regret in his life and something he did not deserve forgiveness over, especially from the child sitting across from him. He wanted to apologize, but that would only throw salt in the Gryffindor's wound.

So instead he watched Harry closely. He watched the young wizard's bright emerald eyes pass through a wide range of emotions; anger was the most prevalent and where he ended up when he eventually met Severus's own obsidian eyes filled with sorrow, grief, and regret.

"Harry," he broke the awkward silence, again he physically reached out his hand towards the Gryffindor.

"I need..." Harry looked around with his wild eyes unable to lock onto anything in the sitting room. "I need to leave. I can't be here… in this room… with… with… you."

Lily's death was the first time Severus cried, but somehow this felt worse. He wasn't ashamed when he felt the hot tears escape his eyes and trail down his cheeks. He simply nodded his head, and then dropped it into his hands, which were propped up somehow - he'd never know how he didn't fall straight to the floor - on his knees when he heard the large door slam closed behind Harry.

It would take another two days before Severus got the chance to talk to Harry again. It was now the 22nd of December and the day Severus had hoped to go back to Spinner's End before Harry had literally run away from him. The professor had spoken to Minerva, and as far as she knew, Harry seemed down, but alright. The day after Harry had left, Severus walked Minerva through the same conversation - without the flowery reasons for him joining the Death Eaters - so she would have some context for Harry's suddenly sullen mood. She lectured him - as he'd expected - but ultimately reassured him that he'd done the right thing by telling Harry and she could see it in the young wizard's eyes that he would come around.

Those days spent waiting were some of the most excruciating of Severus's life. Given that he wasn't going back to Cokesworth that day, he decided to spend it working in his classroom laboratory fulfilling Poppy's latest requests for potions replenishment; mainly Pepper Ups that were low from the annual colds that spread like wildfire through the castle sometime between the first snowfall and the fortnight before term ended, and Calming Drafts. He'd been brewing for two hours when he heard the door to his laboratory open so tentatively, he knew it could only be Harry.

"I want to stay mad at you," Harry honestly said, approaching his laboratory bench. He pulled out a stool to sit beside where Severus stood and started grinding up the lavender for the Calming Draft he was brewing. "You pretty much sent the darkest wizard of our time to kill me."

"You have every right to stay angry with me," Severus placed the glass stirring rod down next to the cauldron. "And I wouldn't hold it against you if you request someone else to live with."

To that, Harry didn't say anything at first. Severus listened to the grinding of the ingredients go from hard and angry to steady and soft.

"But what if I don't want to live with someone else?" Harry asked, staring at the professor with his innocent face. They were at an impasse and neither knew how to navigate this uncharted territory. "Why now? Why bother to tell me now?"

"I have my reasons," Severus cryptically replied. "The biggest of which, is that I could not, in good conscience , let this-" he gestured between the two of them, "-continue without you knowing the truth, and hearing it from me. I am no coward, you needed to hear it from me, and so I did it."

"So even though you knew I would probably hate you, you told me anyway."

When put like, it gave him far too much credit. He nodded, because it was far easier to do that than try to explain about the things he did not deserve.

"I don't want to forgive you," Harry mumbled, throwing down the pestle a little too hard next to the mortar, "I shouldn't forgive you. You're the reason they were killed."

"I am," he replied with a shaky exhale. "You have no reason to forgive me, Harry."

His green eyes shifted at the sound of his name coming from Severus's baritone voice. No matter what Harry decided, he wouldn't stop protecting this child. At first it was only because he was Lily's child, but now he felt like Severus's son and he would always feel that way. If that meant he went back to protecting the Gryffindor from the shadows, then that was what he would do.

"Ok," Harry said so randomly, Severus thought he missed a part of the conversation deep in his own thoughts.

"I'm sorry?" He uncharacteristically questioned, his own brow furrowing as he tried to interpret that single word Harry muttered.

"I said 'ok'," Harry reiterated just as cryptically as Before. "I want to go home for Christmas, if it's not too late."

"It's not," he answered, trying his hardest not to get his hopes up. "But Harry underst-"

"I know, Severus," Harry interrupted, "I still have a ton of questions, and someday I may need to talk about it with you, but right now I just want to go home."

Severus smiled. He couldn't help it. It was by far the best outcome of all the scenarios he'd imagined. And while Harry did not - and possibly never would - extend his forgiveness, it was a sin he would always live with and spend the rest of his life trying to atone for.

That day in the potions laboratory, Severus didn't ask what changed Harry's mind. Later he'd find out that the Gryffindor had appropriately sought his friends' advice and he would be astonished by the fact that they didn't immediately tell Harry he should run away as fast as he could. Instead, they listened to him - as good friends do - and helped him to come to the decision on his own. They all showed a level of maturity in the situation far beyond their twelve and thirteen years.

The pair did go back to Spinner's End later that night where Severus managed to find and conjure or transfigure enough Christmas decorations to brighten up their humble abode for the joyous holiday. The next day, the day before Christmas Eve, Severus took Harry to a local Christmas tree farm where they picked a tree the muggle way and brought it back home - with a secret wandless, nonverbal featherlight charm placed upon it - to decorate. It was there, while they were sitting beside the measly sized pine tree decorated with flickering candles, holly vines with berries, and a set of wooden ornaments he purchased earlier this month for this specific occasion, that he presented Harry with a elaborately decorated box that was too light to feel like anything was inside of it. During those days between when he'd told Harry about his role with the prophecy and when Harry showed up in his Potion's laboratory, he'd decided that this type of question could not simply be done by sliding a set of papers across the kitchen table. Eliciting advice from Minerva - under the hopeful assumption Harry would give him another chance - he'd decided to go this route regardless of how cliché it was.

The short time it took Harry to open the box, pull out the adoption papers, and read through them enough to understand what they were, felt like the longest moments of Severus's life. It was in these moments that he was at the most vulnerable he would probably ever be; asking the child he'd been caring for to become his son. It was worth letting his guard down to allow Harry into his life because he could have never guessed the journey this moment would set them on: the amount of joy and happiness, followed by the tragedy and grief he would experience, until he would finally end up in a whole different world with a different version of the boy in front of him; a teenager who at some point he would hope could be just as forgiving.