Disclaimer:I don't own Bleach, Tite Kubo does.
Warning: WLW. I know I pretty much exclusively write YoruSoi now, but this one is a little more… intense than what I usually post. So… if you're a minor, read the rating guidelines and understand I take zero responsibility for your actions if you decide to proceed.
I'm frantic.
Because Suì-Fēng has disappeared. Just a few moments ago, we were side-by-side, locking Aizen down, but now that he's escaped, where has my little bee gone?
I run through a list in my head, all the places she could be, while I flash step between them. The sakura grove where we promised ourselves to each other, her family home, the second division training grounds, even our last battlefield. It figures that I find her in the one place I avoided as much as possible when I lived here, the one place she's made her life since I abandoned her.
She's dressing her wounds in her office, the Onmitsukido's commander uniform already so open that she doesn't need to take it off to reach the burns and cuts on her back from our battle and the Negación. She looks up as I crash land outside the office's open window. Suppressing my reiatsu is second-nature to me, but I'm not thinking straight, and if I'm allowed to have any amount of pride still, she learned from the best.
"Yoruichi-sama."
The address is polite, formal. I hate it. I even hate it more than her screaming at me, more than her sobbing, because I don't understand it. How can she be so calm right now? At least, I could understand her hate, her anger.
"Suì-Fēng, I…" I don't know what to say. All I know is that Aizen disappeared and that she was gone and I need to tell her, tell her everything. Because she deserves that at least. "I'm sorry." It's a pathetic attempt. Two words can't hold a century's worth of pain and regret, but I'm trying.
"There's no need to apologize, Yoruichi-sama. I understand now." She isn't looking at me. "I was wrong. I thought you betrayed us," I can hear the me hidden under that word, "but you were really doing everything you could for all of us. You sacrificed your name and honor and wealth for justice, and I was foolish to have ever doubted you." Please, look at me, Suì-Fēng…
"No! Suì-Fēng, I…" When did I close the distance between us? I want to reach out and hold her, to take her hands that are still roaming her body, tending to the wounds I put there, and place them on my chest, on my heart. I need to tell her how I feel, before she slips away again, before I run away again. "I'm sorry." Please let me apologize.
"Yoruichi-sama, there is nothing for you to apologize for. This misunderstanding was all my fault. I should have had more faith in you."
"Suì-Fēng!" Her head finally snaps up to meet my eyes. It's desperation lying there. I can feel it leaking out of me. I need you to understand all the things I can't say.
She takes pity on me and cups my face, right hand reaching out to stroke my cheek. "It's not your fault, Yoruichi-sama. I've known for a long time that you've never felt that way about me. I never noticed how much I was hurting you. You were trying to let me down easy and I just wouldn't give up, but I've made peace with that now-"
I grab her hand. It's calloused and dry, rough from a hundred and ten years of training. Something wet is trailing down my face. How long have I dreamed of holding this hand, of finally touching her again? "It's not that." I love you. I've always loved you.
Confusion writes itself across her face. Oh god, I've hurt you. I can see you trying to shove the hope down until it dissolves in your stomach. I'm a monster. "Then what?" Your voice is so fragile.
"I'm sorry," that I have to leave again. I can't bring myself to say it, so I hope she can read it in my face. I need to go back to the mortal world, because they still need me. They need to get stronger, to prepare themselves for Aizen, and they need me to train them. They need me more than you need me. Because I know you can survive without me. "I'm sorry." It means so much more than goodbye.
I'm sorry for a hundred and ten years.
I'm sorry for leaving.
I'm sorry for fighting you.
I'm sorry for laughing.
I'm sorry for teasing, for pushing when I knew what you wanted to say.
I'm sorry for never answering you.
I'm sorry I can't even apologize correctly.
I'm sorry I hurt you.
I'm sorry I never told you about this damn fluttering in my chest.
A hundred times, a thousand times, I'm sorry.
This time, I'll do it right. I'll give you the goodbye you deserve. Because you deserve so much more from me than I can give, but at least, at least I can do this for you.
Maybe if Unohana is kind, she'll give me a few days. She'll take the time to heal them and let me pretend for a while, pretend to be part of your life again. I want to know who you've become, Suì-Fēng. But Retsuo is too much of a professional for that.
"It's okay." You let your hand relax on my cheek, unwind it in my own hand that's grasping on for dear life.
You've gotten so strong, Suì-Fēng.
"I understand."
You don't need me anymore.
"You have to leave again, don't you? You've got your own duties, just like I have mine here."
What did I do to deserve you? It's obvious why I've fallen for you, but what do you see in me? This pathetic woman who can't even stand by you like a real partner?
"Please don't cry, Yoruichi-sama," you wipe my eyes. It's not so cold anymore, my name in your mouth.
"I'm sorry!" I wail. It's watery and broken, but it's true. I'm sorry, Suì-Fēng.
"Yoruichi…"
I squint through my tears at you, and maybe it's delirium and maybe it's desperation but I lean in, and you accept me.
Kissing you isn't soft or gentle. In a hundred and ten years, you've never made room for romance, and I certainly haven't had the space in my heart for anyone else. It's desperate and awkward, our bodies trying to communicate everything we can't in a nervous ball.
I'm an anxious wreck, Suì-Fēng. I need you.
My other arm wraps around you. You're so tight, strength compacted in such a tiny form. We're both trembling.
Please.
I'm sorry.
Don't make me let go again.
You pull back, and for a moment, I understand how you must have felt: confused, alone, betrayed as we scramble for oxygen, the air between us thick.
Then you sweep me off my feet and flash step out of your office.
I'm so close to your chest, and even though I'm the one who bested you, you're carrying me. I curl up in your arms against the rush of wind, hanging on.
When the wind finally dies, we're outside of the Fēng compound. You grip me close and enter. Compared to the barracks and my own family home, it's small, and no one is around. You never mentioned your brothers, and I know the kinds of people your parents were. I stay quiet. The place feels almost sacred.
You climb the steps, still clutching me, until we reach a pair of double doors. Instinctively, I know this is the master bedroom. You open the doors and let us in, set me on the bed.
"Suì… I-"
You take my lips again, pushing me flat on the mattress. "You know, I've never slept in here before," you break away and whisper to me. Of course you haven't, it's a couple's room. Your first night is supposed to be- "You know what that means, right?" You breathe into my ear. "I mean it."
We're going too fast, and I know we'll both burn up from the speed, but we don't have the time to do things "properly," and I've never really gotten the hang of doing things the "correct" way either. So tonight, I won't worry about anything. I'll give you everything I can, while I can still give it.
"You know, there's still one title you haven't stripped me of." This time I wrap my arms around her and bring her close.
"Will you let me?"
You're so beautiful, Suì-Fēng. Somehow, you're still blushing like mad after bringing me here and saying those words to me. Your hands flail around my clothes, struggling to peel them away. I laugh into your shoulder and flip us over so I'm on top, fumble with your own uniform.
We're both nervous wrecks, I guess.
How long have you been waiting, Suì-Fēng?
Your body is taut as I trace it, running my hands along each scar and bruise. I left these, I think. Not just today, but when I left and every day until now, every time you thought of me and stumbled. I can feel you shudder as I work my way down. I fit myself into your curves, the crook of your neck, the top of your chest. You're so warm, Suì-Fēng.
"Yoruichi…" And it's so different, so raw. No wonder, no hate. I realize I've been begging for it, for you to say my name that way, whispering yours as I caress you.
You shake as I reach down. This part is so unlike the rest of you. I can run my finger along each muscle in your arms, the hard line of your abs, but here is tender.
I breathe into you, lapping at your neck.
"Suì-Fēng…" I love you. I don't need to say it, to say anything. I just need to hold you, to feel you clutch my shoulders as I stroke.
"Yoruichi…" You moan. We're throaty and hoarse, words caught up in ourselves like the tangle of limbs we are. I don't need to say anything for you to understand me.
My teeth graze your skin and I bite down. You shudder and tighten, and I open up, licking at the wound. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I want people to know.
My hands speed up and my mouth moves lower. It's just tonight. I want all of you. I'm a horrible, greedy woman, Suì-Fēng.
"I love you."
Your body shudders and squeezes me.
"I love you, Suì-Fēng."
A spasm and quake. My fingers are slick.
You taste salty, sour, almost a little bitter.
You lift my chin to look me in the eyes and bring me into another kiss, violent this time. We're fighting, but there's no practiced technique or skills here, just wetness coiling in on itself. When we come up for air, you're glaring at me. "You're impossible."
I grin. Suì-Fēng, you're beautiful.
I wonder if I say it, because the next thing I know, she's flipped me over and straddled me. You're so beautiful and cute, the way your cheeks are painted red, the way your lips pout, the way you train night and day, how you give everything to be better than the woman you were before even though you're already perfect. I love you, Suì-Fēng, I just don't know how to say it perfectly.
"You know this is my house, right? I'm supposed to be the one in charge here." I've never thought of teeth as warm, but that's what races through my head as you murmur, teeth teasing the edge of my ear.
"I'll take responsibility," I chuckle as her hands mimic my movements from before.
"For once in your life?" She runs her hands across my breasts, fingers dancing, cutting off my response. "These are quite sensitive, aren't they?" She rubs in circles, just outside where I'm burning.
"Suì-Fēng…"
"What?"
"More…"
"Hm?" She pinches me slowly, a soft squeeze and my back arches. "More what?"
"Suì-Fēng!…"
She flicks.
The bedsheets bunch up in my hands. "Suì!"
"Yes?" She laughs in my ear, dark and low.
God, I love you.
"I need you."
"Need me to?" she lilts.
"I just need you."
You stop circling, and the world slows.
Is it over? Did I-
"I need you too." Your voice trails downward. "I need you more than you could ever know. I've always needed you." You kiss my lips, my neck, my breasts, a pathway wandering to my heart. "Everything was always for you… to be better than you… It's always been about you." You kiss my belly button, lean your cheek on my stomach.
What about now? I think. How can I been your everything now? When I'm going to leave again? You're so close to me.
"You've always been guiding me. And maybe that's my fault, Yoruichi…"
Can you feel my heartbeat there, Suì-Fēng?
"So you better take responsibility. I'm giving you my heart." You turn your head, resting your chin on my abs to look at me.
Suì-Fēng…
I don't even need even need to finish the thought.
You smirk. It's beautiful, confident in a way you could have never been if I had stayed, but I don't really know that, and my wonderings are torn up as you kiss my stomach again and continue down.
Your breath is heavy on me, teasing. I buck and you hold my hips down. I can feel you grinning.
"Suì-Fēng…" This is a Shihouin begging.
"I love you, Yoruichi-sama." The title's returned, but I can hear her voice trembling. It's how she knows me, respect and love wrapped up in that notion of servile happiness. In a way, I even feel like she's poking fun at me, subtly laughing at the way it bothers me, refusing to change into who I think she should be. That's the only way you can love me, isn't it Suì-Fēng? As you really are.
You kiss around me, make me burn until I'm a whimpering mess, before you slide your tongue against my heat. I shudder, gripping the sheets so hard I'm afraid they'll tear.
You lap, long strokes sliding across, pausing at the top to massage, suck, envelope me. I'm at the tip of your tongue, ready to be swallowed.
"Suì…" I moan.
You oblige, tongue sliding in until my hands and legs are locked around your head, begging you.
"Suì!" Am I lightning? I feel like I'm dissolving, something bright and hot racing up and down my body. Everything wants to clench, to trap you and pull you into my heart. Suì, is this what love feels like? Because this isn't how I know this feeling. It doesn't rock me till my mind is numb and white like this. Waves don't drown me until I'm scrambling for air, scrambling to grab ahold of you. Did you know, this is what you do to me?
We lie there, panting for what seems like an age before you pull yourself up next to me. You're so beautiful, I don't even know how to think it. All this time, and I still can't describe just how much I love you.
I hug you, nuzzle you into the crook of my neck. "You're staying, right? The whole night?"
"Of course," you cup my cheek and kiss me. "But I feel like I'm the one who should be asking you that."
"Of course." I pull you closer, tight against the outline of my body, skin searing on contact, my head resting on yours.
Tonight is all I have, so before I go, let me give all it to you.
A/N: Wow, I never expected to write this. I remember when I used to consider myself as someone who didn't even want to bother with romance, and I still don't think of myself as someone who writes explicit material, but I guess after about over half a year of YoruSoi, it was inevitable that I write something hotter.
What I really set out to write was a story about Yoruichi trying to explain herself and a short scene bridging Yoruichi and Suì-Fēng's fight with Aizen and Yoruichi leaving Soul Society with Ichigo, but I also have really struggled with my renditions of Yoruichi being unable to find the words to convey what she's feeling to Suì-Fēng, and I think that has some basis in canon too. After all in the manga, we get this beautiful shot of Yoruichi's face right after her fight with Suì-Fēng, and it's so uncertain and conflicted about her past decisions and the woman she's broken in front of her.
In battle, the two of them seem to loosen up and verbally spar, but after the fact, Yoruichi kind of freezes. I think there's a physicality that lets them communicate, so I wanted to bring that physicality into a more intimate setting, to give them both a chance to convey those emotions. To me, it was a lot less about sex and more about how they treated each other during sex. Of course, I've never written a sex scene before either, so I'm pretty sure this is hot trash. I really struggled with describing any of it, especially because initially, I kind of wanted to keep this T, so I didn't want to be very explicit. My focus wasn't in that direction anyway.
Explicit language aside, I also struggled with how to address Suì-Fēng. This is actually the first time I've used the pinyin transliteration Suì-Fēng instead of Hepburn transliteration Soi Fon, and it's really grown on me. The only problem is that it's a real pain to type out on my keyboard. I also had a lot of second-person/third-person slippage, but I did write two other drafts where I stuck to one or the other the whole fic and they just felt awful. I guess, part of it is Yoruichi's own uncertainty and the fact that as they get closer, she's willing to address Suì-Fēng more directly. I don't know if that comes across, but that's the effect I was going for.
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the fic and my ramblings. If you did, please leave me a comment! It always makes my day when someone leaves one, and I'm really curious about what people thought since this was a big experiment for me.