Trigger Warning: Self-Harm.
The closed sign outside their glass doors proved to be null. For a restaurant quieting down after it's early closing hours, Lynn's Table had never been so loud. Dad didn't hold back with his promise of serving them the party of their lives- and so did the kids. When he and Kotaro decked the table with every meal on the menu- both here and at home- from turkeys, to barbeque beef, to Italian Pasta and Spaghetti- everyone yanked their forks and rushed to load their plates with more food that it could carry. A cluster of arms to hands to forks bumped and slid against one another- scrambling to gobble the entire table.
"Hey, slow down, kids!", Dad reprimanded. "There's enough food for everyone! Besides, this is only half of the kitchen!"
"We can have seconds?", Lynn spoke through a mouthful of pasta.
"Just seconds?", Dad quirked a brow as he leaned in the table. "The night's only young! There's so much to go by! You kids should eat 'til your belts are bursting!"
"Appealing, but no, thank you!" Leni shrieked. "I wasted eight months of my allowance for this Gucci belt! I don't want it to pop just because I'm blowing up!"
"It was an idiom, Leni." Lori spoke through her phone
"You mean, no budgeting the Mac n' Cheese bites? No fighting for the last piece of food?" A hopeful glimmer shone in Lincoln's eyes. When dad shook his head no, he shoved a face full of food; pointing at Lisa who sat across him. "Next time, I'm overtaking your rank in the honor's list."
Lisa scoffed. "Oh please, brother, why the competition? Once one of us are in the list- you know we're all getting an equal treat."
In the middle of the chaos, Luna munched on her food. With a vacant space besides her, she brought her leg up the seat. At a time like this, she'd most likely be rocking out to a sick tune, or ask dad to play a beat on the restaurant's speakers, considering they have Lynn's Table all to themselves. But then again, why'd she need to? She's got her Beats- way better bass than the speakers have around here.
Things were all good during the recognition. For the first time in a while, Luan laughed, spent time commentating on the students, saying things like "Oh, that kid's from geography class, and that one's from math," rather than just clever punchlines. Took the craziest, most ridiculous poses in their family pictures; and looking at her, it's as if one day on stage made this whole week, and the prior semester wipe itself off her memory; only making way for the events of here and now.
And just to make sure, she made sure to sit across her side in Vanzilla; with Lynn in between them, the whole ride was her glancing to the left, to see if what Luan acted like then was all just a projection. A façade in order to look cheerful in a big crowd. But nah, she had that grin on her face lingering for the whole time. Even as she blanked out the ride to here, her knees bounced and her fingers fidgeted, like she was dancing to a melody in mind. All's good with her, then.
"Where's our third celebrant?", Mom thought aloud. "She's been in the restroom for ages."
A chance to check up on her.
Luna stood up, before Lana could. "I'll go get 'er."
"Make sure to tell her the roasted pig's waiting for her!", Mom joked, and Luna gave her a thumbs up in return.
The warm, fragrant scent of lavender wafted the restroom; the heat washing over her as she came in. On the left, a cluster of mirrors hung- all part of the bathroom design, and on the opposite side were the five stalls. "Uh, Luan?"
A thud was heard in one of the stalls. "Luna?"
"That's my name, don't wear it out." She snickered, approaching the stall which the noise reverberated from. "What's the hold up in there? Everyone's waiting for ya."
"Nunya beeswax." Luan responded through the door, before opening it. Fixing her coat sleeves as she did so. "Why didn't you guys just start without me?"
"We did, actually." She smirked, placing a hand on her shoulder. "I only said that to make you come out."
Luan turned her head with feign shock. "Wow, you got me real good there, ya Luna-tic.", She giggled. "Get it?"
Never had that overused nickname sound so relieving before. "You know it." Luna snorted, before leading them towards the bathroom door. "Now, come on, we've got a whole party ahead of us."
In the Loud family, any family meal shared together is a party, and this buffet in dad's restaurant made no difference. The older girls shared long conversations while the younger kids ran around the restaurant in childish glee; Lola and Lana played hide and seek, and she lowkey wanted to join but there's no place a fifteen-year-old her size could hide. Lincoln and Lucy were playing Sherlock Holmes- investigating the restaurant up and down with the hopes of finding something new, even though they were ones helping dad with the architecture of this place.
The rest of them, who sat on their tables did their own thing. Lisa looked through her report card for some reason, mumbling on and on about only getting a B in English; Lynn wolfed down the obese turkey, chomping it down like a feral animal that was starved for months- for an athlete, she ate the worth of an obese person's closet. Leni wished Lori was part of the party, and made it clear as they spoke through the video call. While both performers, did what they were best at: Luna drummed the table with her spoon and fork in an attempt to make a neat beat, and Luan, roamed around finding an opportunity to crack a joke.
She practically trembled from the energy she contained through the ride in Vanzilla. Her stomach couldn't take one more spoon without giving up, even as the food before her had an aroma that beckoned her with a come-hither gesture. Standing up, Luan walked around other tables, grinning in amusement as she caught sight of her pageant sister curled into a ball under one of them. "Hey, Lola, what're you doing?"
"Hush!" Lola placed a finger on her lips. "I'm trying to hide from Lana!"
She rolled her eyes. "Talk about hiding in plain sight."
Being in a family this big was an advantage if you were like Luan. Mom and dad were everything to thank for this, because having ten other sibs was a convenience in itself- they could be used as an audience of hecklers for practice, and an armada of support for the real deal. Not to mention, the life of everyday living was thanks to this family. After all, Parties were where she thrived, and to be surrounded by so much action, made her feel alive- way more invigorated than getting that good grade, or recognition.
Going back to the table her family where everyone huddled up, Lily waved her hand up as their eyes met. Luan approached her baby sister, scooping her up in her arms. The two-year-old wrapped an arm over her shoulder for support. "Hewwo, Wuan!"
The road to learning how to talk was gonna be a long one. Luan sat on the edge of the chair, ruffling up Lily's blonde hair. "'Sup, Lilster? Enjoying the buffet?"
How did it happen, neither of them remember- but once the small talk brushed its way out, the endless exchange of hilarity start. Lily wanted them to play charades- she'd do it, Luan would guess which sibling it was- and boy, was it entertaining. She contorted her face into the most unusual expressions, from the trademark double-chin that exposed Lori's bad angle, to sticking her tongue out like Luna, even going as to staring at her with puppy-dog eyes to imitate Lola. Who knew babies could be so good at picking up their sibling's mannerisms?
It felt nice to breathe again, to chuckle without having an underlying thought about school at the back of her mind. To walk around and play with the girls without getting into an argument just because they're worried about her sleeping schedule. She could worry about destroying her life later, that Festival of Talents competition next week- eh, we'll make time for that soon. The school work the teachers left them for the weekend- why bother? Today's Saturday, enough time to let the weight loosen up. If staying here meant her whole life outside home could wait, then she'd rather stay here forever. As dumb, or fanatical as that sounded.
A smile grew on her face. But sleeping in wasn't.
"Try imitating me, let's see if you can." Luan challenged, with a smirk on her face.
Lily glared at her, before her face contorted into a smile, that turned into a giggle- that turned into a cackle. That in itself made her laugh along, and they continued this little game of theirs for as long as the night stretched.
The flames of anticipation that woke them up early this Saturday, to the energy renewing them within every recognition faded into embers. Now that everything was cleared out, nothing was left to look forward to anymore. The kids savored as much of the food as possible, and dad packed it up as leftovers for the upcoming days. And at last, when the clock reached nine, mom drove Vanzilla home as a way to thank dad for the astounding meal. By then, almost all of younger kids, including dad, snored away in the van.
Luna stared out the glass blankly. Street lights to buildings, to other cars- for a time this late, Royal Woods still roared with life. Mom fiddled with the stereo, switching to a station that played the soft rhythm of an electric guitar- a song from Bon Jovi, well known band from the 80's that both the 'rents were infatuated with. Luna leaned her head on the window and closed her eyes; she couldn't say she wasn't in love with their songs too. The beat of their drums, to plucking of that shredder, to the melody of the singer's raspy voice set the mood. The sun stopped shining, as a dark shade of purple and blue colored the sky- empty from the white dots that normally sparkled and glimmered above. A starless night, if you will.
A breeze swept over her as dad shifted on the front seat, making the air conditioner gust find a way towards shifted her legs ever so slightly, feeling the cloth of her jeans cling to her skin. The road felt unwinding; not that she wanted the ride to stop. Hitting the wheels, and driving aimlessly was an aesthetic she wanted to try the moment she could legally buy her own car like Lori. Going nowhere, just anywhere- like a walk in the park late at night, feeling the gust of wind hug your skin.
Was everyone else asleep? Luna darted her eyes to the side, finding Lincoln cradling Lisa's head on his lap- his eyelids fluttered, and his head drooped, before jolting. Droop, jolt.
Her lips twitched slightly, as her own eyelids grew heavy. Ghost hunting with Lucy must've taken out everything out of him.
Such time passed until Vanzilla stopped. Luna blinked profusely, looking around. Through the light bulb perched on the next door's porch, Mr. Grouse's yard was in sight; around her, Lincoln was rubbing his eyes, Lisa was wiping her chin.
"Wake up, everyone.", Mom gently announced. "We're home; get changed, and you can all continue sleeping once you're done."
She yawned, sliding the door open and slipping out. The car ride was way more fun of a bed that just keeping things still.
The metal keys dad held within his finger jiggled as he opened the front door. They all came into the house, going upstairs and a thud would ring in the hall- signifying that the rooms were now filled with its occupants. She flicked the light switch on and dropped herself on the beanbag chair, barely accounting the fact that Luan followed shortly after her- shutting the door, she dropped to her bed. "I'm so tired, I don't even wanna get changed."
"Ditto, dude.", Luna sighed, running fingers through her hair, scalp still cold from the ride home. "It would be weird to sleep in our outfits right now, though."
"Not to mention, we haven't brushed our teeth after that one heck of a dessert earlier.", Luan snorted. "I don't wanna wake up with the breath of death or something like that."
They shared a chuckle. Luna threw her head down, too tired to support the weight of her head. "Breath of death… sounds like a catchy song- or a poem Luce change would write."
In the corner of her eye, something shimmered. She squinted- wait… is that a blade?
She reclined deeper into her chair, figuring that it must've fell off from the razor she used days back to shave her legs. Their room looked like ruins from a severe hurricane, how'd anyone notice the junk lying on the ground when their room's already cluttered with stuff.
"Are you gonna sleep in that outfit?", Luan stood up, and took her yellow blazer off. "What a way to bring the party home. Get it?"
Luna snorted, staring at her with an unamused look. That wasn't even a joke.
Then her eyes trailed lower. Call it a shocker that Luan finally took her long sleeves off- it'd beendays since the last time she exposed her arms. On occasion when they asked, she'd say it was her new "aesthetic" for autumn, which sounded believable since fall is chilly- as they've all gotten used to.
Underneath that blazer, the sleeves of her white blouse rolled up: emphasizing the dark, maroon lines that contrasted her fair skin.
"Luan," She squinted. "What's that on your arm?"
Luan's hands grew cold when Luna stood up and advanced towards her. Quickly, she wrapped the blazer around her and retracted to their shared closet, sliding through hangers holding different clothes, until she reached her pajamas. "Nothing… Cliff just scratched me a few days back."
Cliff? That looked deeper than cat scratches, at least, at first glance.
A presence loomed behind her. Suddenly, her blazer was forcefully pulled back. "Can I get a closer look?"
"Why? I mean…you know how you get when it comes to seeing wounds,", Luan stammered. "It's just a little wound, nothing to worry about."
Luna was squeamish, and it was painfully obvious- whether it was as mild as a big pimple, or as bad as Lynn's a broken elbow, or a gash from Lana's leg, she'd be the last person to come by her side and work as moral support. It was nasty- appalling, even. It made her head feel light.
With a frown, Luna placed a hand on her hip. "It's not like I haven't gotten a glimpse of it earlier,", She let out in a lower voice, already anticipating the worst, wanting to make sure that what she saw wasn't what she thought it was.
But it'd take time. Luan would never give in that easily. "Luna, it's just a small wound. Why are you so worked up?" Luan advanced to the bed, amusement sneaking in her voice.
She grunted in irritation, rolling her eyes. Of course, Luan just laughs it off. When life throws you a pie to the face, taste it, and you'll realize it's not as bad as it is- as she kept saying before. That gaslighting tactic always worked on her, twisting her into believing she was the crazy one- not her.
Luna scoffed. Does she think it'll work this time? "I know it isn't just a small wound. I'm pretty sure cat scratches don't look like that either."
Luan headed towards the nightstand beside her bed, pulling out her phone. "Like you'd know-"
"Don't you remember the time I babysat the McBride's cats for a concert me and Sam wanted to go to?" She crossed her arms, leaning against the bedframe. "Listen dude, even if those really were just scratches, why are you trying to put up a fight then?"
Luan clicked her tongue. "You wouldn't get it.".
Prying in was nearly an impossible feat- especially for someone as stubborn as Luan. But after all those sleepless nights, those useless fights, for a moment she looked happy. Like tonight was everything that'd make her feel better, and that was supposed to be enough to keep Luna at bay. There wasn't any reason she should worry, as long as her sister was okay.
But even if Luan was genuinely at her highest today, that didn't erase the scars written on her arm. Scars, Luna herself, had seen long ago. Even if Luan was feeling okay right now, there had to be a reason why she had done this.
She plopped herself on the beanbag with a heavy sigh. There wasn't an easier way to address this… might as well just put it out there.
"Those cuts, you did it to yourself, didn't you?"
Luan snorted, turning her head with an incredulous look. "No. Where'd you even get that idea?"
Luna frowned, unsurprised by the news. Of course. "Come on, just admit it. You're hiding in plain sight at this point."
But she shook her head and laughed wryly. "You're crazy. I told you, it was Cliff's doing.", Luan retorted.
Luna pressed her eyebrows together. The urge to turn back and leave it as it is tugged at her. But there was no way she could just… go with the knowledge that Luan was obviously lying. How could a kitty scratch someone's arm in such a straight way?
She hurt herself, and had complete disregard for it. If it wasn't keeping Luan awake at night, then it probably would to her. "What was that single blade I found on the floor, then?"
Silence.
Gotcha. Luna thought.
"It's just a fluke.", Luan rushed the words out. She put her phone on the table and sat on the bed. "Is it that hard to believe me?"
Dang it. "It is.", Luna blurted out.
"Fine, I'll tell you what's going on- if that means you'll stop chasing my tail." With a groan, Luan put on her blazer again and sat across her. "I'm tired, alright? I'm just… exhausted at keeping up on the level I'm in now. Ever since sophomore year started, I've been aiming to be on top of my academic game- to prove to everyone that I'm capable of taking things seriously too. I'm not just… some clown who takes life as a joke."
She nodded along to what Luan said. "What do I get in return? Being the leader for group projects that I only do the work for. No matter how good my projects are- our overall grade isn't far behind the other groups- heck, we failed twice in a row just because of some dumb coincidence- and it's not like the leaders get any credit for it because, 'it's a group work, so when one goes down, everyone else does too'."
Same old story repeated in her mind multiple times before- only now, another ear would hear it. From the beginning of the second semester, jam-packed with group work, was the weight of responsibility on her shoulders. In a scattered daze, group projects of different subjects and topics spewed out her mouth- the ones that mercilessly inserted itself within her time for studying, and her schedule overall.
Talking about this, along with how kids less excelling than her got bigger grades during tests because they had more time to study, and less time to worry about their group projects. How her rivals- who weren't even real competitions to begin with, were skyrocketing more than she ever did, while knowing that they didn't have to constantly think about replying to their groupmates sending in a flood of texts like, 'what dance should we do for this, Luan,?', 'hey, what're we gonna draw for this poster, Luan?'- because nine-times out of ten, they're not the leaders of their groups.
"Think about it: every day, we get like, three, to five group projects due the day after.", Luan huffed. "Imagine how much that is to deal with- especially when you're the head of all those said works?"
"Are you for real, right now?"
Luan glowered at her. "What part of this do you think is a joke?"
With every experience Luan shared, the hoarseness in her tone became apparent. Each word said was almost a yell, and with each fragment that fell out of her mouth; each time she had to relive the moment, did Luan's voice gradually raise, growing with vigor. It took some reminders to hush her voice, "thin walls, dude", just so the rest of them wouldn't think that they were arguing again.
And no longer did it surprise Luna as to why she was acting the way she was. Who wouldn't be cranky- no, straight up, pissed with a zero out of fifty? Or a sixty out of seventy given that everyone else got a perfect grade? Clenching at the sheets, even the thought of her little sister getting thrown down on the dirt like this was making her blood boil.
Through all this, a burning question lingered at the back of her mind. This heartthrob of a story hasn't won over her full sympathy just yet.
"All this, and you didn't bother ask for help?"
Luan rolled her eyes. "Like I told you- it's not like my classmates are any better than I am; they'll do worse than what I normally do on a lazy day-
"No, brah. I meant, why didn't you just ask help from us? From me?" Luna swallowed, her stomach twisting in knots at merely asking. If Luan was that willing to keep it all in like that without hinting at them for help, then why? Why'd she chosen to do so?
The atmosphere grew thick as Luan paused to contemplate on the question. A trace of hesitance showed in the way she could no longer look her in the eye.
Luna rested her arms on her knees. This was trudging in deeper territory, and wanted her to feel as much. "I get that you're working you're hardest because you wanna get the A's- let's be honest, nobody wants to be an underachiever- especially in a family like ours." She paused. "But why do you even try so hard, Luan?"
Luan sucked her lips in and looked away, as if the question prodded her in some way.
"You don't even do bad in school in the first place. You were a straight A's kid from the very start of middle school, even without trying. When this year started, I could see you were tryna challenge yourself further- but since the last week of school before vacation, up until now? With you missing sleep and throwing yourself off guard with all these projects? When did you start caring so much, and why?"
Luan crossed her arms and pressed herself further to the wall, breaking her gaze away from Luna. The question she'd been avoiding for the longest time.
Turn off the lights. A voice in her head said. It was too bright in here. Luna could see almost every part of her face. She wanted to cover up her face, shove them in her hands, but that'd be too obvious. It didn't help, that if she turned her gaze to the left in the slightest, her sister's eyes were staring back, with a patient, almost comforting look. That's what she came to miss from her; as wild as the rocker was- she was always so chill, making sure that you were never judged in her point of view.
Those personality slips weren't wrong. Her chest hollowed. Luna's way better than her in comparison. Even if their names were nearly the same, even when they were roommates with shared interests.
"You okay?"
No, I'm not.
But if letting this go will make me feel that way again, then so be it. "I'm jealous of you guys, especially you." Luan's voice cracked. "How do you do it? You're so laidback, so carefree- yet you got your pals, you're busy with your band and you still manage to do good at school somehow.
And then there's me- I'm losing it all. I pushed away my friends, I pushed you guys away, dropped all my hobbies. Heck, I'm still worried about all the stuff I gotta do right now because I chose to have fun first. My mental health is hanging by a thread- and yet, nothing. I get dropped all the load, yet the best I get is 43rd place? What's that supposed to say? That I didn't try hard enough?"
She crossed her arms around her chest, fixating on the wrinkled sheets. Each task, only built a wall for her to hide behind. A brick border to stop her from feeling those feelings that kept trying to capture her in its palm. It all began came flooding back: the familiar sting of disappointment, the anchor of guilt hooking itself into her gut. The trembling of her chin betrayed her thin smile. She brought a palm to press against her throbbing forehead. With a sharp intake of breath, Luan clenched her eyes shut and pressed that hand to her eyes, hiding away from a dumbstruck Luna, gaping at her.
Lincoln's guess proved true, all along. He'd probably come up to her tomorrow, and laugh at her face if he heard. "I told you, so.", he'd say, throwing her a raspberry.
"… You gave your all in it, didn't ya?" A warm smile slipped in her face. "Don't beat yourself up for not getting that recognition you expected, love. You've been in the entertainment biz for as long as I was. You know blood and sweat ain't gonna be enough to please a crowd."
Each word said tugged at the rope on her neck tighter; Luan swallowed a ball of unsaid words into her throat. The wrinkled sheets were where her eyes fixed themselves, concentrating all her might onto paralysis; almost one step away from throwing a punch at her face. How could she say that? That they don't mean much?
"Says you! It's not like you got to go through what I did!", Luna drew back at the outburst.
"I wasn't expecting more- I deserved it!", Her voice trembled with venom. "This isn't a crowd I'm trying to please, Luna- it's a school that's supposed to play fair with all of us."
The late hours Tuesday night took her back "When I saw how mom and dad left me out the fridge, it only pushed me to doing better. I thought that… maybe they were too ashamed to hang mine up there too. It doesn't help how Lincoln pried me and kept asking how I felt about it." Luan sniffled. "And I guess I was right: I talked to them yesterday. They told me in personal that the things written on my card would just embarrass me if they pasted it on the fridge too."
It's easier to wave it off and say, "I'm fine", even when things aren't. How do you tell your own family that they're one of the reasons why you're pushing yourself off the edge? How do you admit that you're jealous of them? All of them?
Luna bowed her head in thought as silence marked the room, scraping the cloth of her jeans. The biggest issue here wasn't her unhealthy study habits, or her broken sleep schedule- rather, the reason that started. The why that pushed her to do everything at all.
Luna scratched the back of her neck and swallowed. "W-was all this, the reason why you hurt yourself?"
Like a tug of war through her shaky breaths, through her misting eyes; Luan scratched the sides of her nose before a stray tear could fall. She snorted, a futile attempt at keeping in the tears in, one more time. "Maybe."
A pathetic shot that proved to be a lost cause.
Sniffling, she pressed a hand to her eyes, as if it'd stop it. Waters trickled down her palm, scorching her were words she could no longer say. Her neck ached and her lower back did too, yet her body froze in that slouch. Maybe if she sat still enough, the pain would hurt less. Praying silently, by some miracle, that maybe the mattress could sink her into hiding away. In that way, nobody-Luna, would be able to soak in the turmoil that'd been locked away long ago.
Witnessing her in such a state was a familiar, yet unexplored territory that Luna had seen on some occasions when they were younger. Now that they'd grown older and kept each other at a distance, it's like Luan magically turned into an expert at playing pretend. She could be at the pinnacle of joy, yet during nights when Luna chose not to sleep to rock music, her sniffles would reverberate in the room. Each time, she'd simply lay there, and leave Luan be, but it never got easier to bear with. Yet… what else could she have done at the time?
Right in front of her now, was jolliest, upbeat girl in their family, without the glow she was known for. The one who spilled her heart out just a second ago after some prying, and she hadn't done anything about it up until now.
That barrier, that wall between them, ends now.
Without any word said, a new weight shifted beside Luan. As if her older sister's presence was to remind her of those rejected questions of concern, to all insults that spewed out her mouth in return.
Was this actually happening right now? After all this time of holding it in, this was all she was capable of?
A hand caressed her back. Her shoulders hiked and her arms stiffened. But no, Luna was here to see it all. Yet why isn't she saying anything? No words of hope? No, 'cheer up's', or 'it'll be okay?' Where was the pressure of forcing the tears to stop?
With the blazer's sleeve, Luan profusely rubbed the dampness off her cheeks. It took an inch of her life not to collapse right then.
All her power not to choke. "I'm sorry… for acting like this."
"You don't have to be, love.", she hushed. As deafening as her rock music was, the tone in her voice served as an instrument that assured her. It calmed her down all the time, and tonight lay no exception.
As much as she'd try and push the thought away, at the very back of it all- this was all she had wanted.
The thread that had been sliding out of her grasp finally slipped away. The slurry of emotions, pooling up since day one of torture week resurfaced, coming in waves as her hands became soaked with things, she wanted to scream but couldn't.
Luna wrapped an arm around her, telling her she did her very best to stand strong through the days that passed by. Like a tree, her unrelenting positivity served as the roots that kept her up; yet even then, it wasn't invincible forever- the strongest wind could send her flying miles away from where she stood, snap her like a twig if it could.
Choking, blubbering struggling through the hitches of her breath- that's the mess she turned into. Trembling under her hold, Luan's frame was light; as if she all this time, she hadn't been eating right. When she turned and sobbed on her shoulder, Luna wasted no time returning the warm embrace as a stream of warm tears soaked her shoulder. Stroking her back, whispering words that made sure Luan knew that within every step of the way, she didn't to carry her cross alone.
Throbbing gradually manifested on her temples- must've been from days of nearly pulling her hair apart. Her wrists ached from multiple nights of typing and writing. All these, seemed to intensify as her heart squeezed out the life out of her. The warmth pressing against her body told her she wasn't alone anymore, and she squeezed Luna tighter. Riding out all her pent-up stress for as long as it'd last.
And when her tears subsided and her breaths receded to normality, Luan reclined and laid limp on her belly. A piece of her dignity felt stripped away from her- like showing Luna a part of herself that she fought to keep guarded.
The hint of a masculine scent imprinted on it. Its fragrance was a part of her: serving as a reminder that this was her older sister. She loved male cologne, less strong than Lincoln's- so unlike Lori and Leni, whose identities were associated with the expensive fruity perfumes they'd buy with their allowance.
A hand rested above her head. Luan looked up to see the clear visage of her older sister, wearing a reassuring smile. Her hand tapped along the arm that wrapped around her waist, making Luan giggle at the sensation. "Feeling better?"
"Sort of," Her voice still thick from crying. "Thanks for not judging me, I guess."
"I'd never, brah.", With a soft giggle, Luna wiped away the drying tears on her cheeks. "I still wonder, what did you mean about being especially jealous of me earlier?"
Luan pulled away from her, a noticeable wave of coldness washing over. "It's just that... Since we've always been closer and compared a lot more by our peers, I've always looked up to you."
The lights painted a heavy picture; expressing the shell of a what Luan used to be. Frizzled hair barely kept itself contained in her ponytail; tinted bloodshot and puffy were the eyes that couldn't look at her. And it could've been just Luna, but it seems as though Luan hadn't fully emptied out her glass just yet.
"You're so cool, and so convenient to be around. People at school watch you and greet you like you're the biggest celebrity in town- like the Mick Swagger of Royal Woods." Luna resisted the urge to smile. It was true. "We're both performers, but I seem way out of line compared to you. You're the only sister I truly compete with, because we both share the stage- and I'm not just talking about our mini one over there."
They snickered until Luan's face dropped. "But seriously, though I see you as an ally on my team, I don't wanna feel… left behind.", The atmosphere thickened. "You're the popular kid at school. Got the fans, the friends, the good grades- everything in between- without the effort."
Luan stiffened under her touch, but never pulled out of the embrace. "Honestly though, nobody laughs along my jokes if I play it safe, nobody enjoys my pranks if I keep it tame. It's as if I have to go through hell just to please people. Start food fights, hurt teachers- and that's when everyone praises me, at least for a second. After all that, people are just intimidated by me… like they're scared I'll pull a prank on them or something. Plus, the school hates me."
The words stung. Doing what the world wanted in turn for sacrificing your soul? It was a familiar road Luna crossed before.
"Which is why I don't wanna get you involved. It's my own fault for destroying my reputation- so, it's up for me to rebuild it, not… not yours, or anyone else's."
Luan's breaths grew shallow; stray tears fell from her cheeks. Seeing her cry for the second time only squeezed her chest harder. She brought a hand up to flick the tear away with her thumb. This was a tricky situation to assess, because it was her own choice to do those stunts, to prank those teachers and that principal, all in the name of being funny. Popular. And yes, it was true- she was the one who destroyed herself in the process, and she was just taking responsibility for it. Luan wasn't the most mature person in the family, and a part of her wondered: What're the odds that maybe, a disturbed, diabolical part of her enjoyed committing those deeds too? Could it have been a mistake? Could she say it was a mistake, and that was part of growing up?
For the first time, Luna was stunned. She bit her tongue. Normally when her other younger siblings came here for more than just a chat, she was up and about, ready to spill whatever words of wisdom she could offer. But now… what else could she say? If she agreed, it might make matters worse. And at this point in time, would white lies really save them now?
Actions speak louder than words, as people would say. Maybe, that was the only way. Luna patted her head softly. "Let it out, love. I'm here for you."
Wracked in sobs- that's how the whole night was spent. Luan heeded Luna's advice and buried her face on her belly. All the thoughts of failing over and over again, to living in Luna's shadow, to being the only sibling left out of the recognition came back in full intensity. She sobbed, wrapping her arm around Luna, clutching her vest; clinging onto her like life depended on it. Screaming, mumbling into her shoulder incoherent words. All to let out the steam that had been building up for so long.
Helpless, Luna did all she could. By her consent, she took off Luan's hair tie, letting her brown locks flow as she ran her fingers through her scalp.
Yet try as she did, Luna wavered. She sniffled; as the emotional contagion became too strong, and shed small tears of her own. As much as she wanted to stay strong for her, to be the shoulder she could cry to, having her sister sob and to know that the hell she had went through caused this tugged at her heartstrings. How could staying firm be possible?
After an hour or so, Luan settled to hiccups. Luna wiped her eyes and pressed her head against her. Waiting until her hiccups subsided to pants, until eventually, her breathing regained normality. Both of them, red-eyed, exhausted, yet strangely, fulfilled.
"Might've been a long time since I said it out loud, but," Luan looked up at her, eyes still puffy; with drying tears staining her cheeks "I love you, Luna."
Luna nodded with a sniffle, and embraced her with one arm. "I love you too, Luan, regardless of whatever crap spills outta our mouths, nothing will change that."
When both of them realized bedtime was minutes due, Luna moved away so Luan could get up and change into her pajamas, and brush her teeth. Right as she came back and set herself into her bed, Luna shut the lights off. As darkness filled the room, so did silence; making way for the soft pity-patter of raindrops tapped on their window.
With numbing hands and feet, Luan wrapped herself around her blanket, her voice still syrupy from crying. "Geez, now I understand why you wanted to borrow a blanket from me. This season's just getting cold! Get it?"
Blinking rapidly as her eyes began to grow accustomed to the dimness, Luna walked over to the bed with a snicker. Leaving Luan to turn off the switch made the temperature drop drastically; it's a bummer she noticed it too. One blanket didn't feel enough for her to sleep comfortably at night.
Wait a second…
"Wanna have a sleepover?", Luna suggested playfully.
The bed shifted, as Luan's silhouette stared at her direction. "Like when we were younger? You've gotta be kid-ding me!"
Luan's laugh cut itself off. "But seriously, hop in, partner! There's plenty of room in this bunk."
Grabbing a pillow on the top bunk, Luna placed it beside and slipped herself inside the blanket. Without a second thought, she stretched an arm out as Luan took the invitation; nestling herself in Luna's arms. The moonlight peeked through the curtains of their window, as the rain gradually tapped harder at the glass. Luna wrapped an arm around her, as she felt Luan's cheek press against her chest. Almost like she was listening to her heartbeat.
"Thanks again for hearing me out…" Her meek voice was everything she needed to see. "And I'm sorry for treating you badly these past few days. You didn't deserve it."
Having her as a roommate for as long as a decade didn't mean she was used to all the little things Luan did; like joking in her sleep, or keeping things a mess until mom would push them both to clean their rooms together. But they were more than sisters- they were friends, or so it seemed.
Luna patted her back. "You're right, I didn't deserve it." A muffled hmph slipped in her ears. "But hey, I'm not blaming you; you don't deserve all the stuff thrown at ya either."
Though, it was frustrating to have your hand dipped in cold water late in the evening, having Luan as a roommate was her biggest inspiration. Sharing almost everything they owned- parents, clothes, closets- it was impossible to say that she didn't grow on her. They shared pillow fights, talks late at night, and spilled their troubles towards each other without qualms- well, until the recent events came up. All those days she silently prayed by some miracle, Luan would tone it down with her late-night pranks and sleep jokes seemed to have been given its chance of fulfillment. But even in the worst days, never would she wish for Luan to quit everything that made her, her- thatwas like, unhooking her from her oxygen.
Luan draped an arm around her waist; fighting the urge to nuzzle against her as Luna pulled her in closer. Luna's hand stroked her back gently, each caress urging her to close her eyes and breathe it out. Forget all the things that have come to pass, and focus on the present. Against her ear, thudded Luna's heart; against her head, rising and falling with each breath was her chest. It'd been forever since a moment between them got as close to this. When the last time was when they went without mocking each other or shoving one another down the other's throat.
That was when her hand stopped moving. Luan caught a glimpse of her face, staring blankly to the bottom of the top bunk. The remnant silence turned into tension.
"Hey," She poked at Luna's hip. "You good?"
"Just thinkin'…" Luna mumbled absently.
"About what?"
"Things…" Luna said, before sighing heavily; dragging a hand down her face. "When you said mom and dad chose not to hang your card up the wall 'cuz it'd only embarrass you, what'd they mean?"
No longer was Luan hugging her anymore. She rolled back on the bed, far enough to not make physical contact with Luna- but close enough to feel the warmth radiating from her.
"Well…", Luan hesitated.
"Royal Woods High School
Grade 10- Class: Luan Loud…"
Glazing over the white card, mom and dad sat across her on their bed, the former squeezing the latter's hand. Their faces were dipped with trouble. Dad wore a thin smile, and mom tapped her thigh again and again. They said it was bad: that it'd break her if she read it.
Luan swallowed. Even if it did, at least it'd destroy her before the nagging curiosity does it first.
Leaning over the wall, she continued.
"She has been coming out her shell lately, which is both a good and bad thing.", Her sweaty palms turned chilly.
The "With Honors" stamp was merely a design to reframe the slip into a good light, even when the long note was far from deserving the red ink. She skipped over to the important words, finding "debate", and "insecurity". Teachers didn't want her studious nature, if that meant she'd be pointing out their smallest mispronunciations, and loop holes.
She clutched the card tightly, fighting the urge to throw it across the room. "Seriously? All I've been trying to do was help the teachers out!", Luan exclaimed. "They need to know they're wrong! What's the shame in admitting to that?"
Dad stood up, and brought her to sit on the bed. "Sweetie, we talked with your teachers and…they said you were tactless."
Tactless? In what way? "All I did was point out their mistakes! It's not my fault they're egos are so big that they can't accept some kid's advice!"
She crossed her arms as mom laid a hand on her shoulder. "It's normal to correct your teacher, and it's a good thing too.", mom started.
Luan turned away from her direction as her shoulder got squeezed. "But you have to remember, Luan, just saying it as it is, is well, rude. If you have a correction to make, you gotta follow how it's normally done."
"How, mom?", Luan snorted. "You gotta believe me, the teachers won't take me seriously if I just tug the sleeve and quietly ask them if they know what they're saying; I have to bluntly interrupt them to get my point across."
"But why do you have to argue with them?", Dad asked.
Couldn't they understand? "How can I not? I can't just sit through a whole class hearing my teacher blab about the wrong dates, the wrong names- or the wrong setting.", she huffed. "But they'll underestimate me anyway if I talk one-on-one with them anyway, and I hate it when that happens."
Mom and dad paused, giving each other looks. She seethed as the card on her hand wrinkled. They could only know so much; she didn't just stir up a debate because she got overlooked- that was one- but mainly, so she could flex her proficiency. To show off that hey, I read that on page 278. That's not 1897, it's 1896. Teachers could use that boost, since some of them got their stories wrong.
"We know you detest errors in judgement, honey," Dad kneeled before her. She turned her head to the side. "But if it's over a small mispronounced word or something, why don't you just let it slide?"
"But they're teaching the wrong info, dad.", she retorted. "I don't want my classmates to think that the word 'detainees' is pronounced 'detanes."
The smallest snort echoed. That was kinda funny. "I'm sure your classmates are smart enough to know that's not it, Luan.", Dad said. "They must've said nothing against it in order to keep the teacher's dignity spared."
"But still, what if I don't care about that?". She really didn't. "The learning is what's important to me."
Mom clicked her tongue and stood up. Her heart stopped. That wasn't a good sign. "Luan, for your age, you know you can be quite inconsiderate." She firmly said. "I'm not shocked as to why the teachers wrote this in your card. See this as a sign for you to change."
Dad stood up too, and now, both their figures were hovering over her. "Because whether you like it or not, keeping the peace is just as crucial as correcting errors."
Blah, blah, blah. I'm not listening. "And sometimes, you gotta sacrifice the other in order to maintain the orderliness.", dad agreed. "Life isn't all about speaking your mind, sweetie. Sometimes you gotta bite your tongue too."
She wasn't relenting. "But…"
"Luan,", mom shunned her with a glare. "You will be more tactful from now on, if you wanna see your card hung up on the fridge too. Understand?"
Luan closed her mouth, and quietly slipped out the room.
"I got shunned for just proving the teachers wrong. Silly, isn't it?", Luan sneered. "Guess they're just so jealous of me knowing more than they do."
"So, because you knew too much, they put you down low?", an amused grin grew on Luna's face. "Sheesh, that's irony at it's finest."
"You can say that again,", they both laughed. "That triggered me a lot, as I hate to admit. When I caught a glimpse of that razor lying on our mirror desk, I just could help myself anymore."
The atmosphere grew thick again. Luan wished she could bring back those last words when Luna abruptly turned quiet. "You couldn't help it, anymore? Wait, just how long were you thinking that thought, dude?"
"It was just… an out of nowhere thought, actually.", she croaked, clear hesitation in her voice. "Can we let that slide for now? I-I don't wanna talk about it."
As much as she wanted to pry deeper, and know what led her to thinking that way, Luna simply kept her mouth shut. That was too heavy of a conversation, and for tonight, they've shed tears enough. Instead, she complied with a nod.
"Do me a favor will you?" Luna turned to her. "Don't keep yourself in the dark next time, okay?" She said quietly. "Just ring me a bell; you know where to find me."
"I'll plunge bell-ow just to find ya! Geddit?", Luan laughed Luna patted the vacant space between them, inviting her to come closer, and so she did. A hand rated behind her as Luna slid down. Who would've thought that her biggest downfall would be the one thing that'd tie them back together? And bring back the days long before boyfriends and theatre mattered?
Underneath her weight, Luan could feel Luna's body relaxing and withering in each passing second. The moonlight traced her older sister's features, and through the dark, she saw how Luna's eyelids slowly drooped. Luan nuzzled tighter against her, a little jab at the back of her mind. The evening felt incomplete… and though her sister was already on the brink of falling asleep, there was no way she'd ever turn her request down.
"Luna?", Luna raised her brows inquisitively. "Can you do me one more thing?"
"What's that lil' sis?", She weakly mumbled.
"Sounds childish… but can you sing me a lullaby?" Luan gave her a cheeky grin. "I just… wanna hear you sing, is all."
Luna chuckled. "You didn't even need to ask, brah."
Pausing for a short minute, Luan closed her eyes as fingers massaged her aching scalp. Soft hums started a melody that slipped into her ears, as Luna's voice began to echo a tune.
"I'll be here until you're okay
Let your words release your pain
You and I will share the weight
Growing stronger day by day"
A smile crossed Luan's face as Luna patted her back in a steady rhythm.
"Anxiety, tossing, turning in your sleep
Even if you run away, you still see them in your dreams"
Her eyelids fluttered as the pull of fatigue tugged at her. She listened to the thumps of Luna's heartbeat as her breaths began to take on a slow tempo. Yesterday is a closing door, and something in Luna's raspy, yet mellow voice made her ready to face the troubles of tomorrow. That even through all the pain thrown at her these days, Luna wasn't planning to leave anytime soon.
"It's so dark tonight, it looks nice, fall asleep."
Luna watched as her sister turned limp against her body, exhaling softly through her mouth. The image could last her the whole night, so she closed her eyes along. That even as the rain subsided and the temperature only lowered, both of them were nestled in each other's warmth. And though, between them, was cold blood- starting tonight, it wouldn't have to be that way anymore.
She uttered out the last part of the song, hoping that even if Luan already succumbed into slumber, she'd still hear this- and keep it to mind.
"It's alright, come inside, and talk to me."
.
.
Lyrics are from the song, "Talk to Me", by Cavetown.
Author's Note
This story wrote itself, and I'm glad we got to see how it ends.
Full disclosure, this was meant to be a one-shot. Just that. But as far as I'm concerned, while Luan and Luna may be fleshed out as individual characters, their relationship as sisters/roommates never got that same treatment. See this as a story to expand the scopes of these two sisters' unique, fun-loving personalities- woven together in a way the show won't ever give us somehow. If by some miracle, Nickelodeon reads this, please- we need these two have their own episode; it won't matter if it's the cartoon or the live-action counterpart.
You may have that friend, or person you love and deem important, that's slowly drifting away from you, for similar reasons. If you know someone who is struggling through a similar issue, and find that they're not making time for you as much as before- then be like the Luna to Luan. Give them space to heal, but never hesitate to help them through, or call them out on their BS in case they're acting unbearably.
Do things get better? Do things get worse? That's up for you to imagine. Thank you, once again for sticking with me down to this path. May we find each other through another series to immerse ourselves in. If you yourself, are struggling through the same thing as Luan did through this story, remember, you can only bring yourself back up, when you let yourself fall.
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