"Tell me again."
Dr. Krisha Laghari leaned forward from the green sofa she was seated in. Her voice was gentle, but insistent.
Jason offered her a tired glance, slumped across from her in a worn armchair.
"About what?"
He played dumb, like he hadn't already given it away in their previous sessions. Like she didn't know it was the one thing that followed him wherever he went, into his dreams and conversations.
"That night. On the island. If you're still comfortable talking about it. Have you had any more time to think about what we talked about during our last session?"
She chose her words carefully, tip-toeing around Jason's trauma like he would explode if she said the wrong thing. A part of him hated that. He knew she was just doing her job, and she had taken everything he told her about himself well so far, but he couldn't bury the little voice inside his head that told him all she saw in front of her was a monster.
"Haven't really put much thought into it," came his response. The words were not a lie. How was he supposed to reflect on a never-ending dream? How could he take time to look at it objectively?
Dr. Laghari sighed as she leaned back. He knew the look on her face, even though he could only just make it out from the corner of his eye. She was restrategizing. Finding a new angle of approach. "Are you still having nightmares about it?"
Jason gave a slight nod. Nightmare wasn't quite the right word for it, but he nodded all the same.
"Could you recall what happened the last time you had one?"
He adjusted slightly in his chair so that he was faced towards her. His eyes focused on his hands folded in front of him.
He quickly cleared his throat and spoke. "They're, uh... all pretty much the same. I'm always back at that place, that... moment."
He began to twist his hands together, rhythmically squeezing his fingers into his palms. The Temple, the jungle. He could still smell it, still taste the humid air on his tongue. Even in that quiet office in Long Beach, he could recall feeling the blood pumping rapidly through his veins as Citra handed him the dagger.
"She's there, too. Talking to me."
Dr. Laghari brought her pen to her bottom lip, staring intently at Jason over the black rims of her reading glasses. He didn't bring her up often, despite her being at the center of it all. It seemed to excite the doctor. "Can you remember what she's saying?"
"She's saying…" Her voice…her beautiful voice. The strength it carried had been intoxicating to him, as was its loving tone. Jason glanced at the therapist in front of him, briefly cursing himself in his head for agreeing to this shit. The nightmares were bad enough, but now he had to sit here and remember.
"She's telling me to make the right choice."
Dr. Laghari didn't respond, briefly bringing her pen down to her folder to take some note of how much of a lunatic her patient was, Jason was sure. She waited patiently, after that, for him to continue. He waited too.
Dr. Laghari glanced downward with a brief smile before she broke the silence. "What happens after that?"
Jason's jaw clenched as he turned his head away from the doctor. "I listen to her."
There was silence again, as the images flashed into his mind once more. The blade, carving against Liza's flesh. The primal satisfaction of the kill, the pathetic whimpering of the woman incapable of protecting herself. Incapable of being a warrior, like him. Jason cleared his throat again, face twitching involuntarily as he tried to clear the thoughts from his mind, to figure out how to word it to the woman in front of him without getting thrown into the looney bin.
"Jason…" she began in an understanding and soft tone. It was almost worse than her being upset at him.
He motioned his hands around and opened his mouth before she could continue, trying to find the words without letting his emotions get the better of him.
"I know what I did. And I know what I wanted to do. And I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for it." He threw his hands out in a shrugging gesture, his lips tightening as he fought to get the words out. He couldn't fight the shakiness of his voice.
"I don't know if I should."
Dr. Laghari removed her glasses, still wearing that damned understanding smile.
"Jason, in these past months I'd like to think that I've gotten to know you fairly well. You're not a bad man. Everything you did, you did to survive."
Jason finally allowed himself to glance up at her, his electric-blue eyes making contact with her soft brown.
"You saved your friends. And I promise, despite what you think, they see you as a hero, not a monster."
"You didn't see their faces."
"It was an unimaginably difficult situation. People have all kinds of responses to trauma. It's just as normal to be in a state of shock as it is to miss the violence after you've left it. But you made good choices, Jason, regardless of what your nightmares say."
Jason didn't say anything. He wanted to believe her, he really did. But she didn't know the feeling he had felt. Citra speaking to him, telling him he was a warrior, while he shed himself of his old life, that wasn't a nightmare. It was a fantasy. Better than any drug he had ever taken, it was the only thing he could derive any sort of pleasure from anymore. He was haunted by Citra, not because of what she drove him to do, but because of what she made him regret leaving behind. And as much as he liked Dr. Laghari, there wasn't a world where she could ever come to understand that.
"Thanks, Dr. Laghari," was all he could muster up. If she found the response as insincere as it felt, she didn't say.
She checked her silver watch very briefly before standing. Jason did the same.
"Please take care of yourself. If you need anything at all, any sort of trouble, do not hesitate to call, okay?"
"I will."
She smiled. "I'll see you in two weeks."
"Yeah."
A real brief first chapter, just wanted to post this before I forget I have it. I wrote some of the dialogue for this randomly a long time ago alongside a song I composed, finally came back to it and turned it into an actual thing a few weeks ago. Promise I'm still working hard on my other story. Hope you enjoyed.