Chapter 17

'Lee & Amanda's Wedding' was hand written along the spine of one. He looked at it confused. He flipped it open and inserted it into the VCR. The video started immediately. He sat down on the floor at watched in rapped attention as he and Amanda entered the backyard from the house and walked down the 'aisle'- created by their guest just standing on one side or the other- together toward the gazebo in her back yard.

They appeared to have no attendants. Amanda wore a simple, plain white dress and he a dark suit. They turned toward each other and he watched as himself on the screen never took his eyes off his bride. His eyes bounced back and forth between Amanda and himself. No one could deny these two people loved each other deeply. He watched as Amanda was visibly trying to control her emotions. Eyes filled with tears, a few escaping, her quick shallow breaths keeping most of them at bay. The way she fidgeted and her lips quaked. But then he looked at himself. His own eyes also filled with tears but, he stood stoically, his breaths where deep and slow. He was totally calm and collected. This Lee wanted to marry this woman desperately and was totally comfortable with it.

He watched at the minister or justice of the peace pronounced them husband and wife, he watched as people stepped forward to congratulate them. Members of her family, few people from the agency and his uncle. He watched as they cut a small wedding cake and gently fed each other a bite. He watched as the people that they knew mingled and talked in their back ward until he saw himself clanking a fork against his wine glass for attention.

"Ok...I uh…" he looked down and smiled at Amanda who he had his arm wrapped around, "we wanted to thank you all for coming to help us celebrate today. Uhm...I have a few things to say," a groan went up in the group and video Lee laughed, "yeah I know. Ok, ok uhm first I want to thank Dotty," he nodded to his mother in law, "for her support…even though we eloped on her the first time," he laughed, "she still helped plan all of this. Which is a much smaller affair than she would have liked," he smiled and the camera panned to his mother in law, who was laughing and came forward to kiss Lee on the cheek. They spoke a few words to each other that the camera didn't catch but he could see Amanda's smile in reaction to them. It looked as though she might cry again. "Uhm…" he watched himself rain in his emotions and clear his throat, "I also wanted to thank Phillip and Jamie, also for their support and their blessing to marry their mom," he watched himself nod at both boys and the camera panned to them. "I won't disappoint you guys," he told them, "and uh…I want to thank Amanda," he turned to look down at her, "for giving me the best gift of all." He assumed he was talking about the baby she was carrying, the affection in his voice couldn't be missed.

Lee guessed that Phillip must have been about maybe thirteen-fourteen maybe and Jamie eleven or twelve at the time. They were standing with a dark haired man Lee didn't know. The Lee in the video must have known him. "When I first met Amanda, I wasn't in the best place. I was a loner and I liked it that way. I pushed her away, sometimes even rejected her friendship but she didn't give up on me. She brought out a side of me that I didn't even know I had," he looked carefully at video Lee, Jamie was right. He could see how much he loved her, "I love you, Amanda, more than I ever thought was possible. More than I ever thought I would ever be able to love someone," He found his eyes filling with tears watching himself profess his love for her and wishing he has experienced this moment with her.

He was so engrossed in watching their faces that he hadn't noticed right away that his uncle was toasting them.

"…came to live with me after that. Lee's father, Matthew was my half-brother. Our mother married Matt's father after my own died," the cornel took a deep breath, "but I know if Matt were here today he would be very proud of the man you've become. A family man. He and Jenny were completely smitten with each other, I see a lot of them in the both of you," he nodded and raised his glass, "to Lee and Amanda, I think I speak for us all when I wish you all the happiness you deserve," as people in the crowd lifted their glasses and toasted them, he watch himself lean over and kiss her softly.

He wished it was him that had stood in front of those people and declared his love for her. He wished it was him that she looked at like he hung the moon. He wished he was the one that had Dotty and the boys trusted. He wish he was the one his father would be proud of.

He watched as video Lee held her close as they danced, then held her hand as they came out the front door to a rain of rice as they ran down the front walk, he helped her into his corvette before jumping in himself and driving away. He sat motionless for a moment after the screen went black feeling a loss at it being over. Suddenly scrambling to his feet he started flipping through the videos until he found another and slipped it - it immediately started focused on Amanda's face.

"Lee," he watched her laugh, trying to sound stern, "what are you doing?" She was glowing.

"What?" he heard his voice say off camera, "I wanna see my beautiful wife, glowing with child-"

"Oh pft," she scoffed interrupting him, "your wife the whale?" she said as the camera panned out. Amanda turned sideways and showed her belly, rubbing it adoringly.

"Amanda," he heard himself say seriously, "I told you on the day I proposed...you are the most beautiful woman, the smartest, the bravest-"

"You have to say that," he watched her laugh, "you're my husband and you did this," she pointed to her belly. He laughed sadly at the antics of the video Lee as the tape progressed through her pregnancy, birth and first few months of his daughter's life. Video Lee was absolutely enamored and enthralled with his wife, had a genuine love and affection for his mother in law and the boys. But this little girl hung the moon. He worshiped her, every cliché he'd ever heard about the love for your child became apropos. The sun rose and set in that little girl for that Lee he could tell. And he admitted finally, for this Lee too.

He saw himself, cradling the infant to his bare chest. The window behind him was dark and he wondered if it was the middle of the night, "what do you think daddy?" he heard Amanda ask him off camera and his breath caught in his throat at the look video Lee shot her.

"Oh Amanda, I never knew I could love someone so much," video Lee told her, "I love you big, my little bug," he heard himself whisper to the baby. The raw emotion he saw in his own eye was life altering. These people were a family. And his heart ached with jealousy for the other Lee. He wanted this too.

He realized he was weeping as he switched it out for another and followed Amanda's next pregnancy along again until he watched himself holding his son. He watched video after video. First steps, first words, highlights from Phillip's basketball games, prom and graduation, Jamie's play, another prom that was more recent. Vacations- to the beach, to a cabin in the woods. Birthdays, holidays and when the videos ran out he started pulling out photo albums some covering the events in videos he'd already seen, some for events and everyday life he hadn't seen on a video. He was so lost in the life that wasn't his but he desperately wished was -he had no idea how many hours had passed. He was startled out of his skin when he heard a voice behind him.

"Lee?" Amanda whispered loudly, "what are you doing?"

He jumped and dropped the book he had been looking at of Matthew's first birthday. He still had no idea he was crying.