Chapter 18

"Amanda," he whispered, she pinched her brows at the awe in his voice.

"Sweetheart," she gasped in concern as she hurried across the room and knelt down on the floor with him, "Oh my gosh, what is wrong? What's going on-are you OK?" she reached out to touch his face, "Oh my gosh Lee, please tell me what is happening to you," she said softly, cupping his cheek and caressing his face.

He grabbed her hand as she held his face, "I'm so sorry," he told her urgently, desperately needing her to know, "I didn't know- I want to stay here, I don't want to go back," his eyes filled with tears again, "I want to be this man, I do I swear I do-"

"Go where sweetheart," she looked at him in confusion, "are you talking about your new job? I told you, you don't have to take it if you don't-"

"No, no, no, no," he said, "I don't want to go back, I want to be your husband and I want Jenny and Matty and the boys and your mother and-"

"Lee," she said soothingly in her gentle way, "it's four thirty in the morning, you haven't been sleeping well lately. You got very little sleep last night, you need to go to bed and get some rest...come on," she pulled on his to lift him from the floor, "sweetheart have you been drinking?" she whispered as they made their way slowly up the stairs.

"No, no," he said with a shake of his head when they reached their bedroom door, "I'm not drunk, Amanda...I just need you to know," he paused standing awkwardly while he waited for her to close the door and turn to face him, "I love you too. Me, I do," he told her, grabbing her forearms and looking deeply into her eyes, "please remember that."

"Of course I know," she told him gently as she started to unbutton his dress shirt, he fixed his eyes on her face and he stood like a child as she removed his shirt, unbuckled his belt and unfastened his pants. He finally snapped back to the present when she gestured for him to step out of his pants. He did and set himself down on the bed so she could reach his socks. When she was finished, she looked up at him from where she knelt in front of him and smiled.

She wasn't his wife, she was the others Lee's but at this moment he didn't care. He grabbed her face in both hand and crashed his lips to hers. His kiss has started desperate but she moaned against him and it quickly turned passionate and slowed. He pulled her to him gently and clung to her. He prayed he never returned to his other life, he wanted to live here with her and the family they created. He hoped he remembered this night forever. He worshiped her body with his as long as he could and when they had finished, he held her close when she fell asleep.

When the sun began to rise, he carefully extracted himself from her arms and threw on his pants they'd left lying on the floor and quietly made his way down the hall. Phillip was laid out on his back, lightly snoring. Jamie was splayed out on his stomach, his covers kicked off onto the floor. Lee grabbed the blanket and gently covered the teen, looking fondly at the boys that was almost a men, Lee quietly closed his door and turned around to the opened door behind him. Jenny laid curled into a ball under her pink blanket. He looked longingly at the little girl he wished was his, "I love you big, little bug," he whispered. He watched her for another moment before turning to the crib on the other side of the room. He reached out and ran the back of his finger over Matthew's chubby cheek, at his touch the little boy sighed and the breath caught in Lee's throat. "I love you, too big boy," he sighed himself and turned to leave the room. When he reached the threshold he glanced back one last time before he quit the room.

He crawled back into bed with Amanda who immediately gravitated back to him and he wrapped his arms around her from behind and held her close. He kissed her neck and buried his face in her hair before drifting off. He hadn't been a sleep long when he heard her call him. He heard her soft voice and couldn't wait to start another day with his family.

Except….

"Lee? Lee?" he heard her say, "Lee can you hear me?"

"Huh?" he mumbled, his eyes snapped open and he was immediately disoriented. Blinking rapidly as he looked around, 'oh no'.

"Should I get help? Should I call someone for you? A friend? Someone from the agency?" he was confused by the rapid questions.

Amanda was standing in front of him. A sense of deja vu hit him hard and his mouth dropped open in shock. He almost forgot to breathe as he looked around them. Despair and dismay hit him like a ton of bricks. They were standing on the steps of the Jefferson Memorial. And Amanda was still talking. She had grasped his hand.

"….and your eyes closed and I wasn't sure if you were having some sort of a seizure or maybe you know a heart attack which I mean given your line of work probably wouldn't be that surprising. You should really take better care of yourself you know, try to eat healthy, you won't be young forever will you. And oh my gosh, you know as young as you are well you just have so much life to live yet, I mean things you want to accomplish and do and see and stuff like that," she took a deep breath and let it out, "so are you? Sure you're OK?"

"Huh," he said, his mind finally catching up, "Uh yeah," he said slowly looking around him again, "I-I'm fine," he stammered, his eye landed on her and he stared. She was so beautiful and about ten years younger. His heart started to beat wildly in his chest. He grasped her hand tightly.

"Oh, oh ok good," she smiled hesitantly, "you're OK to get home?" she asked nervously. He nodded at her slowly and she gave him a nod back in understanding, "well, ok then. I'll uhm...I'll just...Goodbye. Again," she turned slowly to extract her hand and leave.

He sighed looking at her, he realized this was it. This was the moment they said good bye and he never saw her again. He could take that job in the foreign office, get his apartment on Pennsylvania Avenue, the clothes, the shoes, the women…...or….

Suddenly hope rose up in him and he didn't know what he had done to deserve this but this was his second chance. He could still have her love and their family. He could do better this time. Treat her better, love her longer. He couldn't let her get away.

"Wait, Amanda?" he called quickly, careful to keep the desperation out of his voice. He waited until she turned back to him and he hurried over to stand in front of her. He swallowed thickly, he didn't want to scare her off, "on second thought…do you uh...would you like to go get a drink or something? Coffee? Maybe, I don't know get to know each other a little bit."

He smiled at the surprise on her face, "uh, is that some sort of line?" she stammered and blushed. She fidgeted nervously.

"No, no, no…I mean…since we worked so well together the other night at the Post Office….I," he shrugged and cleared his throat, "You know, I'm sorry if I seemed…it's just been a long couple of days. If-if the offer is still good-"

"It is," she interrupted quickly with a nod.

He smiled brightly at her, "Good. Good. We could…uh…talk about what you want me to bring...for Thanksgiving," he was taking a big chance he knew but he wasn't going to let her get away.

A smile slowly spread across her face until she was beaming at him, her smile as bright as his, "Yeah, yeah I'd like that," she told him. He held his arm out for her and she took it hesitantly but firmly as he led her down the steps.