Tears roll down Clarke's skin, her blue eyes glimmering with horror as she stares pointlessly up at the sky of Earth. The stars glimmer, and the moon shines down on her, but Clarke doesn't care. The world around her has never been darker…
Random images of Bellamy appear in her head, causing her to shake with disgust in herself.
Clarke sees Bellamy holding her arm, teaching her to shoot a gun.
Clarke sees Bellamy telling her that he will give her forgiveness if that is what she needs.
She sees him arriving in the rover with Madi, saving her from certain death at the hands of Diyoza and her men.
She sees him at her bedside after saving her from Josephine and her mind drive.
She lowers her head, raising her right hand up to wipe the tears off. She pulls back her hand, looking at it in disgust and horror.
The sound of a gun firing fills her mind, images of the bullet impacting with Bellamy's chest filling her mind. "This is the only way. I'm sorry…"
"Me too…" She hears the gunshot again. She raises both hands up to look at them, horror filling her when they shine with blood. The smell of death fills her nose for a brief moment before receding. "I am so sorry, Bellamy." She whispers, glancing at the sky once more. "I should have trusted you. I should have believed in you. You always believed in me…"
Silence is the only answer she gets, the sound of the crackling fire filling her ears. "You did the right thing, Clarke."
Clarke recognizes the voice but decides against turning to find the source, choosing to let another sob rack her body. A moment later, she feels a warm hand trail its way down her back in a comforting gesture.
Clarke leans toward Octavia, resting her head against the brunette's shoulder. She buries her nose in Octavia's neck, tears flowing down her cheeks once more. "I-I killed him, Octavia. Ho-how can you even look at me? I am a monster!"
She feels Octavia's neck move as the woman shakes her head. "I understand why you did what you did, Clarke. My brother was not the one you killed. Do not destroy yourself by blaming his death on yourself." Clarke hears a sigh leave Octavia's lips. "We are all monsters, Clarke. I got 386 of our people killed and I am still alive. What is it you usually say?"
Clarke doesn't respond, not knowing where the brunette is going with her question. "We bore it so they wouldn't have to, Clarke. You did what you did to protect your daughter. I would do the same for Hope in a heartbeat. I am all she has left now."
Clarke pulls back from her spot against Octavia's neck. Another sob racks her as her eyes meet Octavia's. She wraps her arms around the girl, pulling her against her. "I killed him…" She sobs out, her voice shaking. "I pulled the trigger. His death is on me. Just like the thousands of others I have killed. I am a monster."
Octavia pushes Clarke out of her arms, "What did I just say, Clarke? We are all monsters, now. In the end, only monsters survive. Only monsters are willing to do what we have done to survive."
Clarke takes a moment to absorb the brunette's words, her blue eyes still glimmering with sadness and self-hatred. "I don't deserve to live, Octavia. I have taken so many lives. I almost took yours in TonDC."
Octavia shakes her head, "Hey, hey." She says, placing her palms on Clarke's cheeks and forcing the blonde to meet her eyes once more. "Those that survive don't always deserve to. As I said, we are monsters. However, we became monsters on the path that lead us here. Giving up now would make all of the lives we took, meaningless."
Octavia feels Clarke's breath blow against her lips as the blonde begins to hyperventilate. "Shh," Octavia says, leaning in to press her lips to Clarke's forehead. "It is okay, Clarke. Come on. In. Out. In. Out."
Clarke breaths in time with Octavia's words, regaining control over herself. She looks down again, "If we are monsters, why are we the ones that survived? Why? So many people deserve to live more than I do."
Octavia shakes her head, "Maybe we don't. Maybe we should already be dead and those we have killed or seen killed should be here. However, they aren't. We are. Do not dwell on the past."
"I…I still—." Clarke begins.
"Don't." Octavia cuts her off. "Clarke, you killed Bellamy. Yes. You killed him."
Clarke cries again, her blue eyes filled with despair. "I…I couldn't risk him hurting Madi."
"Exactly," Octavia says. "Listen to yourself, Clarke. You killed my brother to save your daughter from him and his twisted sense of reason. He was gone, Clarke. I need you to see that. He was gone before you killed him."
"But he—." Clarke tries to speak again.
"No. You can mourn Bellamy. God knows I do. But mourn for the Bellamy we lost when the Disciples and Cadogan twisted him. It wasn't your bullet that killed him, Clarke." Octavia says, her voice harsh. "I am tired of hearing you mope about. I understand that you mourn for my brother, a man that perhaps you loved as a brother of your own. Or even more than that, but stop. The Bellamy we knew would not want this for you, Clarke. He wouldn't. He wanted you to be happy."
Clarke nods slowly, "You are right." She mutters. "He would be ashamed of me."
Octavia nods, "Yes, he would. So get yourself off of your ass. Wanheda does not break after taking a life."
"Don't call me that!" Clarke snaps.
"Why? It is the title you were granted for your actions. Do not run from that title as that means you are attempting to run from the actions that granted you that name. Only by accepting your past actions will you ever be able to move forward." Octavia states.
Clarke takes a deep breath, her body shaking still. For a moment, Octavia thinks she is going to reject her offer. Then, a moment later, Clarke chuckles softly. Slowly, her chuckle turns into full laughter as Octavia looks at the blonde in confusion. "What the hell are you laughing at?"
The blonde continues to display her mirth, her eyes locking with Octavia's again. "When did you become so wise, O? You used to be the girl who didn't even know how to flirt correctly."
Octavia breaks into a light smile as she fakes a pout. "I don't know what you are talking about."
Clarke smirks at her, "Oh really, Miss 'Hey Spacewalker, save me next.'"
Octavia laughs, "To be fair, that was literally my second day ever seeing anyone other than my mother and brother. I didn't exactly have a lot of experience." Octavia looks slyly. "Besides, I wasn't blind that first day."
"What are you talking about?" Clarke asks, genuinely curious.
"I saw the way you were gawking at me when I dove into the water," Octavia states, seeing her face stoic.
Clarke glares at her, though Octavia can tell the expression is fake. "You mean when you almost got yourself eaten by some sort of water-monster?"
"Yep." Octavia states. "I did see it wasn't just Jasper and Monty eyeing me."
Clarke can't keep a straight face anymore and smiles, "Alright, so maybe I was eyeing you. To be fair to me, you basically gave me a strip-tease. I think you might have been how I realized I can float both ways."
Octavia cocks her head, "Me stripping off my clothes in front of you lead you to figure out that you like both sexes? Really? I would have thought that would be Lexa."
"Oh. I wasn't finished. You made me think I might like both sexes. Lexa confirmed to me that I prefer girls." Clarke states.
"Who knew?" Octavia says. "I can't imagine what my brother would have thought if he had heard this conversation. He would have been so happy. He hated the dislike we had for one another. He would be shocked. Especially if he heard what I am going to say next…"
Clarke frowns, her eyes turning sad again. She waits for Octavia to continue. "I love you."
Clarke smiles at the brunette, "I love you too, Octavia. Of course, I do. We are a family now. We have been since we arrived on the ground."
Octavia smiles at Clarke, "Yes, we have."
Clarke shuffles to sit down at Octavia's side, the two looking up at the night sky as one. Octavia leans over, resting her head on Clarke's shoulder. Clarke smiles, resting her chin against Octavia's black hair. "Have you done as I said, Wanheda? Have you accepted what you have done to get here?"
Clarke shakes her head, "No. I haven't yet. It will take time, O. It will. I can't just flip a switch and accept the thousands of lives that no longer exist because of me."
Octavia smiles, "Good answer. It took me years to accept what I did as Blodreina. Now, I allow my actions to follow me, but I refuse to let them shadow me. I control my own actions; they do not control me."
Those that survive are usually monsters. They have to be to get to the end. Monsters are the only ones that possess the capacity to survive the horrors needed to reach the end…
NOTE: This was written a while ago and published on AO3. I am merely importing all of my work over there to this site.