"-so we're midway though the cheesecake and I turn to Kofi and say, "Kofi, you're getting too big. You need to cut back on the cheese."
PFFFFFFFFFT!
"Not that cheese!"
The crowd roared with laughter as Jenny and Nanefua took a bow and left the stage. Mr Smiley stepped up, microphone in hand.
"Well, now that was funny!" He said. "I'd say this Beach-a-Palooza's turning out to be a real gas, wouldn't you agree?"
"Hey, leave the jokes to the professionals!"
"Sorry Nanefua. Now for our last act, we have a mystery guest performance."
The stage darkened and then lit up, revealing Ruby and Sapphire. The two were dressed in 60s dance clothes and both wearing microphone headsets. In the background were Steven and Peridot, the latter using her metal powers to conduct a full orchestra while Steven sat at the piano. They began playing a snappy jazz tune.
"If I were a rich Gem," Sapphire sang, "In the service of Blue,"
"You'd live in a penthouse," Ruby joined in, "in a room with a view."
"And if I were evil ("Hey!"), it could happen. Some visions come true," Sapphire smiled at her lover. "I wouldn't have nothing if I didn't have you. Wouldn't have nothing if I didn't have! Wouldn't have nothing if I didn't have! Wouldn't have nothing..."
Ruby took over. "For years I have envied ("Oh, Ruby") your grace and your charm ("you're making me blush"). Everyone loves you, you know ("yes, I know, I know, I know"). But I must admit it ("What?"), Sapphy, you always come through ("oh, stop!"). I wouldn't have nothing if I didn't have you."
Together they sang in one voice. "You and me together. That's how it always should be. One without the other, don't mean nothing to me. Nothing to meeeeee."
Sapphire stepped forward, rubbing the back of her head. "Yeah, I wouldn't be nothing ("Don't say that") if I didn't have you to serve ("What? I'm the Ruby?"). I'm just a plunky little eyeball ("Come on") and a funky optic nerve ("but a cute one"). Hey, I never told you this ("Told me what?"), sometimes I get a little blue ("Oh, really?"). But wouldn't have nothing if I didn't have you."
Ruby took her hand. "Let's dance."
The two tangoed across the stage for a few moments before Ruby took over. "Yes, I wouldn't be nothing ("yes you would") if I didn't have you ("not this again"). I wouldn't know where to go ("what?"). Wouldn't know what to do ("is my future vision that important?")."
Taking each other's hands, they joined voices. "I don't have to say it ("aw, say it anyway") cause we both know it's true. I wouldn't have nothing if I didn't have, I wouldn't have nothing if I didn't have, I wouldn't have nothing if I didn't have you. Wouldn't have nothing if I didn't have youuuuu."
The music faded and the lights dimmed, making the stage go dark.
"One more time!" Ruby yelled. The lights and music started up again, bigger and brighter for the finale. "It worked!"
"I don't have to say it ("I'm gonna anyway!") cause we both know it's true ("let's take it home, Sapphy!"). I wouldn't have nothing if I didn't have, I wouldn't have nothing if I didn't have, I wouldn't have nothing if I didn't have-"
Ruby picked Sapphire up and began swinging her around.
"You! You! You! A! E! I! O! That leaves U!"
In a flash, Garnet appeared, posing for the final beat of the song.
The crowd erupted with cheers as the performers all came forward and took a bow.
"My, oh my!" Mr. Smiley yelled. "Now, THAT'S what I call a one-woman performance! Thank you all for coming and we'll see you again next year!"
THE END