Little Miss Perfect
Amity sits at the desk in her dorm room at the University of Wild Magic, looking out the window in front of her and watching as the sun sets in a warm array of colors. She feels good, peaceful, and finally happy.
Looking at the sky and watching the college students below as they practice glyph magic with excitement and wonder. While others sit and watch the sunset in peace. It's all so beautiful.
Thinking back, Amity can't help but feel proud of herself. Escaping a home life that was traumatic and finding herself. Luz helped her do that and it's one of the many reasons why she loves her.
Suddenly, Luz comes up behind Amity and hugs her. She jumps when she feels her girlfriend's arms around her and smiles when she kisses her on the cheek. Her life now all seems too good to be true, but something's missing.
Luz immediately notices something's wrong. They know each other so well, picking up on the smallest details about one another's emotions. It's no longer easy to keep secrets from one another.
Luz looks Amity in the eyes, being serious but gentle.
"Amity, is everything okay?" Luz asked.
Amity looks away from Luz and back out the window, watching as the warm colors in the sky begin to fade as the sun sets. Cool colors come into focus as the night takes over and the light begins to fade away.
Deep emotions. Past feelings of anger, sadness, fear, and hurt all come flooding back, but Amity knows how to hold back. She's been conditioned to do it since she was a child, so it's like second nature to her.
Smile through the pain. Never let them see your vulnerabilities. Emotions make you weak. You'll never rise to the top if you let yourself give into self doubt and fear. But fear is what you used to control me…I was never enough.
Amity thinks deeply about this. The controlling messages her Mother instilled in her when she was so young. It hurts and it's still hard for her to let go completely.
Luz takes Amity's hand in hers, causing her to snap out of her self deprecating thoughts.
Seeing Luz looking so concerned brings tears to Amity's eyes, but also fear. That fear of being vulnerable with her emotions. It's still hard, letting her walls down, but she tries.
"I'm sorry. I'm okay, it's just…I've been thinking a lot about my past lately. All of the trauma I went through when I was young. I think I need to let it go, I just don't know how…" Amity replied.
Luz thinks about this for a moment. Then, an idea quickly comes to mind.
"Why don't you write about it! We're both fans of The Good Witch Azura books and used fantasy to escape reality when we needed to. This way you can get all of that trauma and emotional baggage out in a healthy way." Luz said.
Amity smiles, loving Luz's idea. Then, she starts to feel that rush of sadness and pain crash over her again.
Luz notices this change right away and speaks up.
"Oh no, that was a bad idea, wasn't it…I'm sorry. If you're not ready, we can figure something else out." Luz said.
Amity's about to agree with Luz, but stops when she feels something different. A burning rage inside of her, anger. Her younger self screams for her to break her silence.
You've been the quiet, good girl for too long. It's time to speak up. She can't hurt you anymore, your Dad divorced her and she's no longer in your life. You need to let this anger out, and then let it go. Please…
Amity feels it, the deep sadness of her inner child screaming to be heard and decides it's time to listen.
"No. I'm done letting my Mom control me, even after she's long gone. I'm ready. I'm writing my story. Not for revenge, but to help my younger self feel heard and understood. I just hope it's enough." Amity said.
Luz smiles, just seeing the fire in Amity's eyes brings back memories. The first time she stood up to her Mom was incredible. It was the abomination fight back when they realized they had feelings for each other. It's what she needed then and it's what she needs now.
"Alright, you write away! Tell your story. Let out all of those buried emotions and create something magical! I'm proud of you." Luz replied.
Amity gives Luz a hug, then looks into her hazel eyes, tearful but content.
"Thank you for always being so supportive. I'll let you know when it's done." Amity said.
Luz nods and gives Amity one last kiss on the cheek before heading out the door. She can't wait to read it, although part of her is nervous. She knows Amity went through a lot and hopes it's not too much for her. Still, she believes in her.
In the quiet room, Amity takes in the peaceful solitude. She missed this. It reminds her of being in her secret room in the library. Her great escape from all of the pressure and family issues. Now she's free and ready to tell her story.
Amity gets out her laptop, opening the blank page of the word document. She freezes, all of the feelings and memories crash over her like a wave, but this time she's not going to let herself drown.
Come on, Amity. You can do this. Just breathe. Take the memories, the fear, the pain, the sadness, and release it all onto the page. Finally, let it go.
Amity takes a deep breath, closing her eyes and letting the wave of emotions wash over her. Then, she breathes out, eyes open, as she starts writing. A smile on her face and tears falling as she does, releasing the fear.
Let me tell you a story about a lone witch and the secret room. She was fourteen, a straight A student, silent but focused, competitive to a fault, and an overachiever.
On paper, she seems like the perfect student and perfect daughter, but that was all a facade. She was lonely and hurting inside, but never showed that side of herself. That girl was me…
I was sad, anxious, depressed, and lonely. The pain I felt inside didn't matter though, so long as I kept up my controlled perfectionistic personality. What everyone saw on the outside, the perfect girl, was not me and that's what was killing me. Still, no one in my family cared enough to help, and there was a reason for that, fear.
My mother used fear to control me, to control the family. She was in the oracle coven so she communicated with me using a telepathic necklace. I was scared, living under a microscope and never truly allowed to be myself. Not until I met someone.
Luz, seemingly the complete opposite of me personality wise, came into my life and that's when the real changes began. Deep down we both had a special connection, but I kept trying to push her away in the beginning. My fear of being loved unconditionally took over and I became distant and cold, even mean at times which I still deeply regret.
Luz was kind, compassionate, fun, adventurous, and a total fantasy loving nerd which was endearing. I was a secret nerd too so we had that in common. I was scared to show her my true self, but her kindness slowly helped me let down my walls and become the person I really wanted to be.
Am I that person now? I'd say yes, but I'm not perfect. Sometimes my past trauma comes back to haunt me, the intense emotions take over and overrule logic, but I'm learning to heal. This…Telling my story, is all part of the healing process. It's the hardest thing, learning to let go of the past and change, but it's worth it. I'm worth it…I am enough.
Amity stops writing and closes her laptop. Tears fall down her cheeks as the deep sadness comes back. Then she gets up and heads to bed, knowing when she needs a break. She's self aware enough to realize when the emotional pain is too much and that's progress.
I am enough…Those words. I believe them now and I'm so proud I'm at this place in my life where I can say I'm okay. Finally free to be myself. Still, there are some parts of me that need healing and I'm ready to face them.
Amity lies in her bed, feeling comfortable but still a bit anxious. Staring up at the ceiling in the dark room, lit by the moonlight creeping in from the window. It's hauntingly beautiful.
Taking a deep breath, Amity takes in what she just wrote, then breathes out and lets it go. Being in the moment and enjoying the peace, she finally realizes something important and whispers it to herself.
"You're okay. You're alright. You'll get through this, just take it one day at a time." Amity said.
Saying those words, Amity starts to feel tired and safe enough to rest. Slowly, the world around her starts to fade as she drifts away into the blissful moonlit night. Letting go and looking forward.