Numb
A young Amity is running, running away from home as fast as she can with tears streaming down her face and a deep pain in her chest. She's fourteen again, and can still hear her Mom screaming at her as she runs away. It's terrifying but the sweet relief of escape keeps her going.
Eventually, Amity gets tired. Looking back to see if she's being followed, she trips over a rock and lands on the cold hard ground. She lies there for a moment, wishing she could just disappear, but reality still has its grip on her. Escapism isn't going to save her this time and she knows it.
So, Amity slowly gets up off the ground, using the last bit of fierce determination she has to keep going. Letting her adrenaline take over, she uses her fear to survive. Knowing she's alone doesn't help, so she goes to the one place she knows she'll be safe.
It's a long and painful walk, but Amity eventually arrives at The Owl House. A safe haven for her to escape to and see Luz. She knows Luz always has her back and will protect her.
Amity, broken and bruised from the fall, knocks on the door with a slight smile of hope.
"Luz, it's Amity! I'm here…" Amity said.
Suddenly, the door opens and Amity stands there in shock. Frozen with fear as she sees her Mom right in front of her, staring her down with that heartless smirk. There's no love in those eyes, which is why her smile is so deceiving.
"Amity, you came running back to me. I knew you would. Now, about that little brat girlfriend of yours." Odalia said.
In a fit of anger and fear, Amity pushes her Mom aside and runs past her. Then she sees Luz, lying on the couch, motionless.
Amity runs over to Luz, sitting on the couch and holding her close. She feels Luz's wrist for a heartbeat, but there's nothing. Crying as she tries to keep Luz's cold body warm in her arms while knowing it's hopeless.
"Luz, please wake up! Please…I can't lose you." Amity said.
Amity then turns her sadness and grief into anger, gently setting Luz down. She stands up and faces her Mom with a cold angry stare, ready to fight.
"Why? I know all you ever wanted was control, but this…This is taking it too far. You're a monster and I want you out of my life!" Amity said.
Amity runs towards her Mom, all of her rage focused on the one person who used fear to manipulate and control her.
Just as Amity's about to strike, everything around her disappears and she's left with nothing. Trapped in darkness, a void, alone and isolated. She takes it all in, and feels the heavy thoughts closing in on her. Then, she screams.
Suddenly, Amity wakes up in her bed, jolting up into a seated position. Realizing it was just a nightmare, but it all felt too real. Her tears are real and bring her back to reality as she wipes them away, trying to process what happened.
"You're okay. You're alright." Amity said.
Taking in those words, Amity slowly starts to calm down. She looks around her dorm room. Still in shock, but taking things one moment at a time.
Noticing it's morning already, Amity gets ready for her classes. She knows it's going to be a long day, but she needs structure. Her emotions are intense and overwhelming, but routine usually helps her get through the bad days.
Once ready, Amity looks in the mirror. She can see it, dark circles starting to form under her eyes and a sadness in them that she knows Luz will recognize right away. Still, she needs to keep moving forward.
Amity walks to class, taking the long way to avoid running into anyone. She knows isolation isn't the answer, she's learned that from past experiences, but right now it's what she needs.
I just don't want to worry anyone, especially Luz. She's come so far and been through so much…I couldn't burden her with this. It was just a nightmare anyway. It wasn't real, I know that logically, but emotionally, it's hard to forget…I just need to keep moving forward.
Suddenly, Amity hears a familiar voice. She looks up from the ground and is surprised to see Hunter who looks concerned. She knows why, she probably looks exhausted.
"Amity! You look…Like you've been studying! Well, that's why we're here, so good for you…Anyway, how are you?" Hunter asked.
Amity giggles, she needed a little laughter to get her through this already stressful day. She notices Hunter is not as amused, so she explains.
"I'm okay. I'm sorry, it's just the way you said that was funny and I needed a little bit of joy, so thank you." Amity replied.
Hunter smiles, but is still worried. Seeing Amity like this, looking so tired and out of it, makes him nervous. He remembers being like that back when he was not sleeping enough and suffering from his trauma haunting him.
"Look, I know we're the kind of people who aren't always open about their feelings. We can blame our controlling upbringings for that…But I want you to know that, if you ever need to talk or just hang out to get your mind off of things, I'm here. So are Luz, Willow, and Gus. You're not alone anymore." Hunter said.
Amity takes in Hunter's kind words with a genuine smile, holding back her tears. She's self aware enough to know that she's not okay right now. And she's grateful she has people in her life who care enough to help her.
Then something stops Amity from being honest. She thinks about home, about her nightmare, and it feels as though her world is crashing down all around her.
Still, Amity puts on her mask. Smiling through the pain as an automatic response to emotional vulnerability.
"I know. You all are the best support system I could ask for, but I think I need some space to figure things out. I'll be okay. I just had a long night of studying, that's all." Amity replied.
Hunter nods. He understands that. So he and Amity go their separate ways.
Amity keeps thinking about what Hunter said. She always told Luz that it's okay to be honest about her emotions and reach out when she needs help. Now she understands how hard that is when you're struggling with something you don't fully understand.
In that moment, something in Amity tells her to go to the library instead of class. She would run away to the library when she was young, escaping to her fantasy world and journaling away her feelings. It was her coping mechanism and she needs it now.
Suddenly, Amity arrives at the library. She goes to the back and finds a silent corner hidden away from everything and everyone, it reminds her of her secret room. Then she puts her headphones on and gets out her laptop, writing away.
I had a nightmare about…Mom. It was scary and I don't know how to process these feelings. It's confusing. I know she's gone and she can't hurt me anymore, but it still feels like she's controlling me.
I have a great life. I'm going to college and studying with Lilith, I've reconnected with my Dad and siblings, and I have supportive friends and an amazing girlfriend. Luz…What's she going to think about all of this? When I tell her that I'm suffering again all because I can't let go of the past. Should I tell her?
Something's holding me back from being honest about my feelings. I don't know what it is, but it feels like some kind of emotional block. This is just like when I couldn't admit I had a crush on her. I was afraid. Why? I have no idea, but I want to understand.
Luz was so sweet and kind. She showed me how to be happy, truly happy, being who I am and finding people who understand me. Mom never got that and Dad was always too passive and working all the time to stand up to her. My Dad's changed though. He listens to me and we're closer than we've ever been.
My siblings Emira and Edric…We had issues growing up, but we still loved each other. After all, we grew up in the same environment so we have a lot in common and understand each other. I'll always remember when Emira helped me dye my hair purple. That was a big moment for me. It was the change I needed to take back control of my life.
Control. It's always been about control, hasn't it? That's it! That's what I need to let go of. I feel like I have, but something's missing. Sometimes I have this empty feeling inside…I just need to find her again.
Amity stops writing when she sees Luz sitting next to her, trying to get her attention. She takes off her headphones and closes her laptop.
Luz looks a bit concerned, but tries her best to be supportive.
"Hey Amity! How's the writing going?" Luz asked.
Amity puts away her laptop, anxious about showing Luz all of the emotional pain she's released onto the pages. She knows she should, but she's not ready.
"It's going…Well, it's an emotional journey for sure. I see what you mean by this being a good coping mechanism though. I think it's helping." Amity replied.
Luz puts her hand on Amity's, but she pulls back.
"Is everything okay? You look really tired. Maybe you should take a break." Luz said.
Amity knows she should rest. She should let herself relax instead of putting herself through this. Reliving her trauma can't be good for her, even if it is healing in the long run. Still, it's hard for her to let go.
"I…I'm sorry. I just need to be alone." Amity replied.
Amity gets up and starts walking away. Holding her laptop case close, like it's her only sense of logic in all of these blurry emotions.
Luz lets her go, knowing exactly how she feels, and wishing she would open up about what's going on.
As Amity walks away in her state of despondence, she thinks about what Luz said to her when they were young. Something that's stuck with her even after all of these years.
"One day at a time." Amity said.