Something Happened (on the way to heaven)

by Jessa4865

A ridiculously inaccurate potential for the 24x22/3x22 promo.

Something Happened (on the way to heaven)
Fleeterberry
Disclaimer: I don't own them

Spoilers: Based on a completely unrealistic potential for the 24x22/3x22 promo.

All song quotes from Something Happened on the Way to Heaven by Phil Collins

"How can something so good go so bad
How can something so right go so wrong"

She's not avoiding him, but she's not reaching out either. She's not sure which of them should be more embarrassed honestly, him for deciding that the end of the week from hell where she was attacked and her son was targeted and her coworker was murdered by machete-wielding gangbangers was the best time to try to kiss her and force the idea of them on her or her for giving him all of the mixed signals that night from pretending to ignore him while on a quest to find the fucking sugar to leaning in to kiss him herself to refusing to let him kiss her to crowding into her refrigerator instead of his welcoming chest.

Either way, she's well aware they don't know what to say and they were actually honest about their feelings for the first time ever and naturally that's going to make things a bit strained for a while. So she hasn't reached out and he hasn't either and she knows he's waiting for a clear message from her and it almost feels like divine intervention when Detective Stabler is the man she needs to contact to assist with her team's latest case.

She's not even a bit nervous as she heads to the spot they'd arranged to meet and she's realizing as she's waiting for him to arrive that she wasn't specific as to why she needed to see him and she sees the grin on his face and knows he's assuming it's personal and maybe it is but it's also not and she wants to temper his expectations before she can see his crestfallen expression up close so calls out to him with his rank to clue him in on the fact that this is a business meeting. His grin fades as they talk and he lets her try to explain and even when they're discussing work his eyes are dancing and his smile is easy and he's flirting with her and not in some awkward forced way, no it's the easiest thing in the world and she's blushing and she's smiling at him and she realizes she's ready for this.

It's sad in a way because as she's staring into his eyes she realizes this is their last case, the last time Benson and Stabler will take down a perp together, the last time they'll ride in the car to interview witnesses and share greasy takeout and bounce theories off each other rapid-fire until everyone in the room is lost except the two of them.

But it's happy too, because she knows she wants this and she knows he wants it too and it's not just an ending, it's a beginning, because they'll replace those rides with dates and that greasy takeout will be on a couch instead of a desk and they'll still finish each other's sentences, except they'll be talking about where to go on vacation.

She's going to tell him. She wants to share this happiness, but she wants to enjoy it for a few minutes, keep the secret to herself, think about how she'll tell him, if she'll ask him on a date the way he's been asking her, if she'll lean in and kiss him, if she'll just say she's ready.

She's ready. She can hardly believe it, but it's true.

She's always been good at keeping secrets for people, at holding someone's confidence, but this is different. She's fidgeting and trying to concentrate on his words as he's talking, but she wants, needs, to share this little piece of news with him because she's giddy with excitement at the prospect of the smile that will swallow his face whole when she tells him and she's more eager than any child ever has been on Christmas Eve and she thinks she's faking it well, but she doesn't want to fake it anymore and then he's quiet and she's wondering if she missed something and she's looking at him and he's leaning on the chair in front of her and his hands are still and that's when she sees it.

She blinks and shakes her head the slightest bit, telling herself she must be imagining it, she must be hallucinating, she can't be sitting on his desk and thinking about telling him that she loves him and he's wearing his fucking wedding ring again.

Her voice cracks when she asks, the same way her heart does, and she's trying to keep up the conversation and listen to him while he's talking about Kathy and she wants to be supportive and she shoves her broken heart back in its box and swears to herself she will never take it out again.

But he knows her and he calls her on it, misreading her body language as pity, and she wants to laugh at how wrong he is because it's not pity or even empathy like she says with a forced whisper, it's heartbreak and of course he recognizes it because she used to see that same damn ring every single day and make that same face because it would remind her that he'd never be hers and she guesses it's a small favor from the universe that he always misread it because if he knew that would feel even worse.

Five minutes ago she was on top of the world, but now, now she can't get away from him fast enough because he hasn't called her out on the way her voice is breaking on every word, but he will and he'll notice if she starts crying and he'll try to make it better, just like he tried to convince her that the ring means nothing, but she knows it's not true.

That damn ring means everything.

A fucking wedding ring is not something you find in a drawer and decide to wear for kicks.

It's a line she will not cross and he knows that and he put it on for a reason and that reason is a cold, hard truth she's finally ready to face. Kathy was his wife, the mother of his children, his lifelong best friend, his true love. He will never be over her. Any date or flirting or talking or touching is only because she's not here.

She doesn't let herself cry, except for the few tears she can't hold back on her ride home, because she knew this. Twelve years at his side, most of them with that damn ring between them, ten years apart, when he'd unquestioningly chosen a side, two years back, with Kathy's ghost a third wheel in almost every conversation.

She pulls herself together by the time she gets home because she's used to this. She knows this. Disappointment and heartbreak and sadness and loneliness are as comfortable as her favorite leggings. She knows how to survive this. She crawls into bed and tries not to dread working this case with him and she reminds herself of all the victims who didn't deserve what happened to them and the unsuspecting future victims who have no idea what might happen to them if she doesn't protect them and she knows she can do it, she can get through it, because she can get through anything and because she's been through his before. She's spent half of her life in love with a man who will never love her quite the same way.

And she realizes, just as she's finally drifting off to sleep in the wee hours, that this will still be their last case. She's not going to do it anymore. She can survive being alone and not having what she wants and never really experiencing being in love with someone and having them really love her, but she cannot let this man break her heart again.

By morning, she's ok because she's used to it, the familiarity, the deep ache inside that tells her she was never supposed to be happy because she was conceived in fear and pain and hurt and violence. It's not her fault, she knows, but it is her cross to bear. She goes through the motions and accepts the coffee he brings her for the ride and she fakes a good mood by telling herself this is her one last chance to be Elliot's partner and she lets herself have one more case to remind her of how it used to be, when she'd never actually had any hope of anything between them, when she'd revel in his fiercely protective displays and she'd let him check her out when he thought she wouldn't notice and some people have big love and forever and she has breaking up fights and promises they'd kill for each other in snide remarks.

She's not prepared to see Amanda in all her happy glory and for some reason this is the thing that almost breaks her, the notion that the two of them are friends now and have mutual respect, and she's been doing a damn good job of holding herself together, but it takes everything out of her to smile at Amanda when she feels the tears starting to build.

It's one thing to be resigned to a lifetime of misery. It's entirely different to be resigned to a lifetime of misery around people who have or had all the things she ever wanted and don't even know how lucky they are. Then she reminds herself that she is one of the lucky people too, that he has Noah and he's perfect and that's enough for her.

It has to be because that's all she gets.

###

"I don't know I don't have all the answers
but I want you back
How many times can I say I'm sorry"

Something is off. He tries to convince himself it's just the case, that they're tracking one of the most dangerous men he's ever encountered and he's not on top of his game right now because really, one fucking hallucination is enough to assure him he's not right in the head, and he thinks back to the night when Olivia called him and said she wanted to meet up and he was so happy because he hadn't heard from her in months and she reached out and that meant something. He didn't even care that she'd only reached out over a case because work is how they are comfortable and it's where they communicate so easily and he thinks maybe this is the best way for them to move forward because when they work together and everything feels so right is when he thinks there's a chance for them. But still, there's something nagging him and he can't put his finger on it and it's going to distract him until he can figure it out.

The group is all tucked into a hotel in Ohio and being somewhere completely unfamiliar isn't helping with his sense that something is wrong and everyone is heading to the hotel bar because it's late for dinner and they've got a big meeting scheduled for first thing in the morning and he doesn't want a drink and he's not hungry, but he thinks maybe he can see Olivia for a minute and since the case is weighing on everyone's mind right now they'll be able to talk about not work for a moment to pretend there's no danger and maybe that'll help him settle.

He scans the room twice and she's not there and he nods at a couple of people and orders a beer he doesn't want because he knows people are always watching and if he disappears, someone will note that both of them are missing and he's not going to be responsible for the rumors that will fly. He waits twenty minutes, drinks a few sips of his beer, makes nice with one of the FBI agents who's flirting with him and just when he's decided he's had enough of that and puts his credit card on the bar to pay for his drink, she's suddenly staring at his left hand and the ring that he honestly doesn't even know why he's wearing, but he sees the expression on the woman's face and she looks sad and it's exactly the face Olivia made when she saw it and it wasn't empathy at all and he has no idea how he missed it at the time except he was too fucking embarrassed while he was explaining his vision.

He has no idea what the woman says, what excuses she tries to make, because he's out the door and hurrying down the hall to Olivia's room and knocking on the door and waiting for an answer he knows isn't coming because he'd known something was wrong and if he'd been thinking straight - which he hasn't been clearly or he wouldn't have been hallucinating in the first place - he'd have known exactly what was wrong and exactly when it went wrong.

What the fuck was he thinking?

He'd felt guilty. He'd taken off his ring a long time ago, when Eddie Ashes wasn't married, and he just never put it back on and he never really thinks of Kathy anymore either, not unless there's a holiday gathering with the kids or someone asks about her and he's sad that she's gone, but she's gone and there's a woman who fills his thoughts all the time and he can finally admit he wants her without the guilt of being married except he feels the guilt all the same because he wanted her when he was married. He'd put the ring on to remind him not to forget Kathy except it completely defeats the purpose because he wore the damn thing for forty years and doesn't notice it's there at all and the first person to notice it was the last one he wanted to see it.

He's too keyed up to sleep and the bar is too crowded to have a peaceful drink and so he changes and heads for the small gym in the hotel. It's a tiny room, half the size of his living room, only large enough to hold a weight bench, a stationary bike, and an elliptical machine, which is currently in use by a very angry Olivia Benson. At least, he assumes she's angry because she is flying on that thing and she's dripping with sweat and huffing and puffing from the exertion and he wants to ask what's wrong but he already knows and instead sits down on the bench with the heaviest of the paltry selection on dumbbells and tries to concentrate on something besides the idea of an out of breath, panting, sweaty Olivia Benson in workout shorts and a sports bra and fuck he's not getting any sleep tonight.

He's deliberately not staring at her and he's trying to focus on what he's doing, but the more he tries to not notice, the more aware he is of every sound and movement and he hears when she finally burns through the adrenaline and her pace slows and finally stops and he doesn't want to be staring at her but he can't not and so when she finally climbs off the machine and grabs her towel to wipe her face, she jumps in surprise.

"Jesus, you scared me!" Her voice is a little louder than necessary, explained by the ear bud she pulls from one ear. She looks at him, at the dumbbells at his sides, and then shakes her head. "What?"

He shrugs, not about to admit he was staring because it'll just make her uncomfortable, watching unhappily as she pulls her t-shirt over her head and in a nod to modesty that he ruefully admits helps him concentrate on the conversation. "What what?"

She nods at the weights. "I carry groceries heavier than those. You're not here to work out. So what do you want?"

"A hundred bucks says your groceries get delivered to your door and you ask Noah to bring them in." He sighs and replaces the fifteen pound weights in the rack, knowing he could lift them all night and not break a sweat. "I didn't come here looking for you. Just a happy accident."

She rolls her eyes and makes another pass of the towel over her face. "Why aren't you having drinks with everyone else?"

"Why aren't you?" He was there. He would still be there, if Olivia had been.

"Seems presumptuous to celebrate before a raid on a man who's been one step ahead of us the whole time."

He nods, thinking that maybe that's part of why he's feeling so off, because she's acting like herself and she's not avoiding him like he expects she would if she were really hurt by his ring. So he stands up and steps closer to her, pretending to be unaffected by the sight of her right now, trying not to acknowledge this is exactly - minus a few articles of clothing - how she would look underneath of him during and that is not helping him pretend to be unaffected by her.

He instead turns his thoughts to the way she'd looked at him when they'd met at the library, at the beginning of this case, and he remembers her blush and the smile that actually reached her eyes and he smiles back affectionately even though her smile is only in his imagination. As much as he likes working with her, and he really likes working with her, he wants this case over. He wants to face this head on like fucking adults for once. "When we get back home, I think we should talk, clear the air."

And there it is, her fake smile, her eyes falling just shy of meeting his, confirming his fears. "The air is perfectly clear." She's turning and stepping away and he can't let her.

"Liv," he grabs her arm like he always does, but this time she's only wearing a t-shirt and his fingers hit skin instead of two plus layers of polyester and he swears there's a sizzle of electricity. "This thing with us isn't just going to die."

She turns back to him, her eyes hard and cold and he feels like he's staring at a brick wall for all the emotion she's letting him see. "Oh, it's dead this time."

"No, Liv-"

And then they're interrupted, the door of the gym opening under the combined weight of that flirty FBI agent and one of Olivia's detectives as they're stumbling down the hall, limbs and tongues entwined, and they look up when they fall through the door they hadn't realized wasn't a wall and the woman's eyes are wide and embarrassed and the detective is looking at his boss sheepishly.

But the younger man's eyes narrow suddenly, his gaze falling on the grip Elliot has on Olivia's arm. "Everything alright here, cap?"

"It's fine." Olivia yanks her arm from Elliot's hand and storms toward the door, shoving between the happy couple on her way out. "See you in the morning, Velasco."

Velasco shrugs after her and doesn't spare a glance in Elliot's direction as he refocuses on his new friend, suggesting they postpone their celebration for another time.

Elliot grabs the weights off the rack again, light as they may be, and settles back onto the bench. There's no chance Olivia is going to talk to him tonight and any attempt he makes will just cause a scene and after having seen her the way she looked a few moments ago, he's not going to get any rest.

###

"I only wanted someone to love
but something happened on the way to heaven
It got a hold of me and wouldn't let go"

She doesn't get a damn wink of sleep. She keeps reliving those moments in the gym when she was too exhausted after her poorly conceived workout to keep her guard up and when he made the suggestion that they talk she couldn't continue the act that everything was fine and she wishes she could do everything differently and she wishes she hadn't decided to go to the gym and she wishes she'd never started to believe that things might work out for them, for her.

She's trying to soothe her aching muscles in a hot shower and piling on concealer like it might hide the dark circles under her eyes and getting dressed and dreading every minute of this day because she's tired and grumpy and preoccupied with her personal life and she's sucking it up and working with Elliot while he is very much trying to catch her attention, probably so he can drag her somewhere to talk, and she is deliberately gluing herself to anyone else during the discussions in the hotel conference room so she can not talk to him.

She hates that she's distracted while they're going over the details of the property they're raiding, because this man is dangerous and she doesn't want to be caught off-guard and responsible if anything goes wrong. She's glad that this is in the hands of the FBI because at least it takes some of the responsibility off her.

It's mid-morning when they decide to take a break, let everyone out of the room they've all been trapped in for five hours and Olivia wants nothing more than to drop her head on the table for a few minutes of rest but she knows Elliot is getting desperate and if she sits down he's going to confront her and so she's running for the ladies room before the SAIC is done announcing the meeting will resume in exactly ten minutes.

She's certain Elliot will be right outside the door when she opens it, so she leans against the counter with the sinks and stares at her phone and ignores the curious stares of her teammates who are legitimately there to use the restroom. She waits until twelve minutes have passed, steeling herself for a lecture about her tardiness when she returns to the conference room and even to confront Elliot if he is waiting for her.

But he's not in the hallway and she's hurrying back to minimize how much information she misses and how much of a spectacle she makes of herself sneaking back into the conference room and when she pulls open the door, she's surprised that the meeting hasn't resumed. Elliot is in the midst of what looks like a heated argument with Agent McCrary, AUSA Mills, and at least three members of Mills' team and as soon as she walks in the room, the sudden hush tells her she was missed, even if the meeting hasn't resumed.

"Captain Benson, a moment?" McCrary is waving her over and Elliot is staring at his shoes and Olivia glances around the quiet room, catching Ayanna's eyes first and receiving a sympathetic smile, then Fin's eyes and all she gets from him is a wince. Whatever she's about to hear, she knows she's not going to like it.

"There's been an update on the Shadowerk site, a high priority target." Mills nods toward the computer monitor on her left, and Olivia reads the words and sees the picture and she can't even understand at first because it must be some kind of sick joke. Staring back from the screen is a picture of her and Elliot, the same damn picture she has on her desk blotter, and she reads the note and rereads the note and rereads the note again and she's trying to process it because it's just cruel on so many levels. My husband had an affair with his partner, get rid of them both!

Her heart is pounding in her chest and she doesn't know if it's fury or mortification, but she suspects it's both. She shrugs at the group of people staring expectantly at her, her nonchalance as comfortable as her fake smiles, she's been deflecting bullshit about their partnership since they met. "So we ruffled some feathers. We must be closing in."

Elliot's voice is soft, but Olivia hears it, his words directing her to the username of the poster. WomensMisery. She turns to face the Mills. "It's Oscar Papa, a gangbanger I locked up in January." She glances at Elliot, remembering her words from a few incredibly long days ago, and thinking she really, really wishes he hadn't defended her. "He and Stabler butted heads when we were tracking leads on this investigation."

The woman's accusing eyes don't waver from Olivia. "You two have a history you failed to divulge?"

"No history besides working together." She glares at the woman and silently dares her to argue.

McCrary jumps in, perhaps trying to diffuse the tension, perhaps trying to redirect the attention to actually solving the problem, except his words do nothing to help. "We traced the post to an email address registered to a Kathy Stabler in Woodstock, New York."

"I really doubt my dead wife put a hit out on us." Elliot sounds as pissed as she feels.

But she's angry at him too and turns her glare on him and repeats what she'd said at the prison. "I really wish you hadn't done that."

Mills sighs loudly and shakes her head. "Well, you've certainly pissed someone off. The hit on you two is worth a couple million dollars so neither of you is going anywhere near this raid."

Elliot objects, of course he does, because the man is only happy when he's having a pissing contest with someone. "The only way to get the price off our heads is to shut this bastard down. We've done all the work so far, you wouldn't even have known about it if it weren't for us!"

She doesn't want to have to step in but Elliot is crowding this woman and she's not sure he has any idea of how intimidating his sheer size is to most people and maybe he does because menacing is his favorite thing to do besides making her uncomfortable. They're in a room full of people from various agencies and their own fucking teams and the woman is not backing down because she's running the show in this sea of testosterone and Olivia knows what it's like to have to fight for respect and in the end, she just does it, maybe because stepping in front of a glowering Elliot Stabler and getting him to back down with a single glance is a sort of power she's not sure anyone in this room even understands.

And then she's just there, between them, and she normally has to move quickly and shout his name or grab his arm or something to get his attention focused on her instead of his target except there was no real threat of violence and so it was simply a display of power and she understands that will probably burn in his gut later with a lot of whiskey, but now he's just standing there, tirade silenced mid-word, his eyes locked on hers and she can't look away and his eyes are so clear as he stares and she'd swear he can read her fucking mind right now and she tries to tell herself this is doomed because fuck the man is wearing his wedding ring but she can't pretend that she wasn't ready to go for it two days ago and was actually contemplating kissing him finally and now all of a sudden she's thinking about it again, broken heart and all, and he's all she can see and she knows no matter what she's telling herself there is no way she will ever be able to walk away.

When her narrow little world expands beyond him, she realizes that people are staring and not just strangers, but important people, people she knows and works with and has to face every day and she thought she was ready for this, wedding ring notwithstanding, and maybe she was, but she was ready for something private not something so painfully public and she feels like she's making a fool of herself because here she is, standing in front of everyone, staring at Elliot once again like the lovesick thirty-something she was when she met him and everyone else was aware of his wedding ring then and some of them are probably aware of it now and she has to focus and do some damage control and she will have to figure how to save herself from the vortex that is Elliot Stabler some other time because right now, she has to save her professional reputation.

"Detective, sit down." There's absolutely no risk that he's going to continue to yell at Mills or crowd the woman because Elliot looks as distracted as she does and she doubts he even remembers that he was angry. But one thing has always been true, no matter how angry he gets, he always hears her and so he nods and obediently backs up several steps and drops into a chair.

Her hands are shaking a moment later as she finds a seat nowhere near his and tries valiantly to listen to the damn meeting as it resumes.

###

"You can run and you can hide
But I'm not leaving unless you come with me
We had our problems but I'm on your side
You're all I need
Please believe me"

He needs to be anywhere but here. He doesn't know what just happened, but it was something. One minute he was about ready to lose his temper at the AUSA and then he's staring at Olivia and there is nobody else in the world. He knows she felt it too, because he saw the shift in her demeanor as the damn wall she'd put up between them tumbled down, he recognized the love in her eyes as she stared back at him, and he was overwhelmed with the love he felt in return. She told him to sit, so he sat.

And now he's staring at the SAIC discussing the raid and he doesn't hear a damn thing the man is saying because all he wants is to look at Olivia and he knows she's somewhere off to his right, but he can't see her out of the corner of his eye and he needs to because he needs to feel that damn connection again just to reassure him that it's still there and he can't let her rebuild that wall of hers because he loves her and he wants her to know that.

He can't turn to look for her and instead stares at his hands where they're folded in his lap and he seems the gleam of the ring and he doesn't see it as a symbol of his marriage to Kathy and all the years they spent together, no he sees it as a barrier, another wall, his wall, that keeps Olivia out. He wants to take it off, but he wants Olivia to see him take it off and he wants her to understand that it didn't mean what she thought it meant when he put it on.

He's a little confused when people start moving because he hasn't been listening and has no idea what's going on, but he can tell from the mood that they're prepping for the raid and all he knows is that he's not going which irritates him, but he remembers she's not going either which is somewhat comforting because that means she'll be safe.

And if they're stuck in this hotel together until the raid is over, maybe they'll have a chance to talk, if he can catch her.

She's walking out with Mills and McCrary and he knows she's trying to save face for that moment between them and he should probably be doing the same thing but the thing is, he doesn't care. He doesn't care if people talk about him. He doesn't care if people assume something is already going on or if something has always been going on. What he's worried about is fixing this mess he's made.

He's not stalking her, he's not, he's just waiting around the corner while she's finishing up her conversation with Mills, and luckily for him, Mills is a fast walker and Olivia is tired and the hotel doors are too heavy to slam closed. He manages to catch the door with his foot before it closes all the way, but he doesn't push it open, he just waits, his knuckles tapping lightly on the wood.

She can't pretend she's not there and he knows that's her first instinct and he sees the way she glances at his foot blocking the door and she's not meeting his eyes again. "You're not seriously considering forcing your way into my hotel room, are you?"

"Of course not." He's not and he would never and he thinks she knows that and he thinks her words are simply to remind him that his behavior would appear threatening to anyone else and possibly a little to her only because she doesn't want to talk to him right now.

She folds her arms over her chest and sighs. "I'm really tired and I don't feel like talking right now."

"Liv, look at me." He's said the same thing to her before and he's worried that he'll get the same response, that she'll avoid and hide and recoil, but he needs that eye contact again. She can't hide from him or lie to him or ignore him, not when she's looking at him. And he knows the reverse is true, there's no pretense when he looks at her, no bullshit, no confusion.

He's counting on his own vulnerability to make his point, but he needs her cooperation, he needs her to look at him because he knows he'll never convince her otherwise.

Her eyes are downcast as she waits, maybe trying to decide if she can trust him, maybe wait for him to get bored and give up. So while she's looking down, he reaches out, sliding the gold band from his finger and dropping the ring in his pocket.

The moment feels as reverent, more even, than the first time that ring went on his finger.

And when he looks up to find Olivia's eyes waiting for his, he knows she feels it too.

"It didn't mean what you thought, Liv." He wishes he could have explained himself better the night she asked. He wishes he could have understood his guilt better before he even put it back on.

She doesn't respond and he doesn't expect her too because he realizes now how much it had hurt her to see that ring for all those years and how she'd always respected the boundary it represented even when he wouldn't have resisted if she hadn't and he knows how much it must have hurt to see him wearing it again and he completely understands how much strength it took for her to keep working this case with him when she was hurting so damn much.

He sees her working to form words even as she's fighting to keep her composure and he wants to help, to encourage her, but he doesn't know what she needs to hear from him and so he waits, holding her eyes and reassuring her with the love he knows he can't hide from her.

"What did it mean?"

"It meant I felt guilty for moving on." He waits for her to hear him, to understand, but when her eyes finally drop from his and sadness washes over her expression, he knows she only heard the first half, not the second. His palm cups her jaw, gently pulling her eyes back to his. "But I did move on."

The wall is down once again and he sees the hurt and the fear and the vulnerability of this fierce woman and it hurts to know that she trusted him and he let her down so many times. He can feel her shaking until the light touch of his fingertips and he wants to reach out, to wrap her in his arms, to hold her until she feels secure in them, but he doesn't want to push or coerce or lead.

Finally she forces out a question in a choked whisper. "Are you sure?"

"Yes." And he is. He can talk to his therapist about his guilt and his worry that he'll somehow forget Kathy, but he can't let Olivia get hurt by his thoughtlessness one more time. That guilt will kill him. "I'm sure and I promise you if I do something stupid, it's because I'm an idiot, not because I'm trying to hurt you."

It takes her a long moment to return his smile. "Could you try not to be an idiot?"

He lowers his hand from her face, moving it to her waist instead, trying to encourage her closer without pulling because he wants her to make the next move. He wants her to reach for him, to hug him, to kiss him, because he wants her to have the control after having been powerless for so damn long waiting for him to be available, but he's not getting any sense that she's going to move toward him and he doesn't know what that means. Maybe she wants to think about what he said, wait to see if he's going to change his mind, ask that they remain friends for a while longer until she really feels like she can trust him again.

But he's watching her face and her eyes are dropping to his mouth and she's not pulling away and he knows her and he thinks he's starting to understand that she's waiting for him because she has always been waiting for him. She wants him to choose her.

He's careful. He's slow. He's shaking and terrified because it feels different this time. But his fingers press against her hips and draw her closer and his forehead lowers to rest against hers and he gives her every opportunity to pull away or stop him or ask him to wait or to take the control herself.

But she doesn't, she lets him take his time, she waits like she's always waited, until he realizes she's waited enough. Then his lips press against hers, his body shuddering with desire as he forces himself to keep it light and gentle and not intimidating, and he swears he'll die a happy man when he feels the answering pressure of her lips returning the kiss, but it gets better, her mouth opening against his and her tongue seeking his and then they're somehow past the door of her room and he's caging her against the wall and she's clawing at his shirt and he's this close to lifting her off the floor so she can wrap her legs around him and he knows this is going too fast and she probably wants to slow down, but shit he doesn't want to ask because he's afraid she'll think he's rethinking or rejecting or regretting and he's absolutely not, but he does need to breathe and when he pulls back the slightest bit, she chases him and pulls him back to her.

He wants to point out that right now is probably not the right moment, but he really doesn't care and he doesn't think she does either and he's trying to remember if any other members of the team have adjacent rooms and he decides to hope it's that Velasco guy or the FBI woman because neither of them have room to complain.

There's a staccato rap on the door, a loud, unexpected noise that interrupts the sighs and moans and growls and they spring apart guiltily. He wants to suggest she ignore it, but he knows she won't and he knows it's a bad idea because they're here for work, so instead he smoothes down her hair and ducks behind the door while she opens it.

"Agent McCrary, what can I do for you?"

He can see the way her hand is shaking on the door knob and he has to fight the urge to reach out and grab it.

"The teams are ready to head out, they're going to regroup about a half mile from the compound, on schedule for moving in by three."

He checks his watch, realizing the three hours between now and then will fly by for the teams, but will feel like days for those left behind like him.

"Ok, we'll have satellite surveillance set up by then?"

"Local law enforcement is standing by as well." There's a pause and Elliot wonders what McCrary is waiting for and he wonders how angry Olivia will be if Elliot slams the door in the man's face. "The rest of us are going to go to the diner across the street to grab lunch, if you're hungry."

She smiles politely and Elliot can feel how hard she's fighting not to make eye contact. "I'll think about it. When are you going?"

"On our way over now. I tried Stabler's room, but I didn't get an answer."

Olivia is a convincing liar, he knows that, but he's surprised at how well she plays stupid. "Maybe try the gym?"

"Good idea, will do. Meet us in the lobby in ten if you want to go."

Olivia nods and closes the door before turning to face Elliot. "We've got about three minutes before he discovers you're not in the gym."

"Are you suggesting we go get lunch?" He's really very hungry, but not for anything they're serving in the greasy spoon.

"I'm suggesting that we already made a scene downstairs and if we both disappear it's going to look very strange."

He knows she's right because even if they aren't missed for skipping a meal, they'll be missed because there's a couple million dollar bounty on their heads and so someone will probably be keeping an eye on them. He groans as he sags back against the wall, understanding that it probably won't kill him to wait, but then again, it might.

But then he thinks of the team, their teams, their friends, who are geared up and heading out on a raid that's most likely even more dangerous than any of them realize and he's selfishly glad that Olivia won't be involved and that he'll be able to keep an eye on her and know she's safe.

"Fine, fine, we'll go." He pulls himself back upright from where he's leaning against the wall, his hand moving to her hip.

"If you hurry, you can accidently bump into everyone in the lobby."

He's reaching for the door and she's leaning into his path and then she's kissing him again and he's very unhappy that McCrary decided to be thoughtful and include them in the lunch plans.

As he's jogging down the stairs to intercept the group, he finds himself praying that the raid goes well and no one is hurt because he thinks they deserve this little slice of happiness.

But he can't quite shake the feeling as they're walking across the street to the diner that something is still wrong.