Chapter 12 - The Moment Just Before
The following Sunday, Faith returned with Bailey later on in the evening. They had enjoyed a wonderful weekend together going to the movies, getting ice cream, and watching Disney movies with Bailey's parents. It didn't surprise Gavin that Faith was so eager to tell him of the great times they had. He listened to her while he was out in the garage working on changing the oil in his truck. While he tinkered away, he kept a bottle of alcohol on the top of his tool chest.
He smiled at her as she spoke, wiping his dirty hands on a rag. He was easy to nod, but he didn't talk much. With his scarce input to the conversation Faith grew quiet. It was about that time that Cyndi's three children poked their heads around the corner of the garage. At the sight of Faith they beamed. Faith ran to Alex and threw her arms around the little girl excitedly as if she had been saved from some unpleasant predicament. When she had vanished from his sight, Gavin went about his business. The children darted away in laughter.
"How was your weekend?" Bailey asked feeling hollow and empty as if she didn't exist. She had come to sit on the steps in front of the door leading into the living room.
He shrugged and shut the hood of his truck. It sounded much louder than it should have. Once that was done, he began to organize his tools back in the chest the best he could. He did it in a cursory manner. It looked as if he was doing anything to avoid eye contact with her.
Bailey noticed the wave of awkwardness in the air as he tried to keep busy. She noticed the gloss that coated his face. "Did you have another rainy day?" she asked bravely.
He paused for a moment and then pulled the garage door down so that the only light illuminating the garage was over their heads, signifying that his work was done. Once it was shut, Bailey stood as he approached her. His expression was unreadable and her heart began to thud in her chest. She was standing in front of the door. "Answer me, please." He stared at her with his deep set, dark eyes while she spoke. His blackened hands were flaccid at his sides. "What happened to new beginnings and a fresh start?"
He continued to stare at her blankly and it was at that moment Bailey realized that she had been so foolish to believe him. Until he was clean, completely clean, there would be no new beginning. The emptiness inside her was chilling, just as the empty look upon his face. All at once with the sense of disconnect, fear seized her. In all their encounters, she had never felt the way she did now standing in the garage with him. She could tell he was numb.
Gavin wrapped his hands around her forearms, leaving blackened hand prints. She attempted to shove him away, but his muscles did not budge against hers. "You are everything a man could ever wish for," his nose was inches from hers, the scent of alcohol defusing through the air. "There isn't a thing that I would change about you, except what you think about me. Why can't you just accept me for who I am?"
"This isn't you!" she yelled. "And if you don't let go of me, I'll make you wish you never met me!" she warned. He slowly drew his hands away from her. The garage was still and silent. His eyes moved from her to the bottle on top of the toolbox. In one violent movement he swiped his hand across its surface. The bottle fell to the concrete and shattered into pieces.
Gavin stood before Ray's door. Birds were out, but the sun had not risen yet. She answered quickly and quietly at the sound of his knock at the door. She chided him as he walked through. "You're going to wake the baby!"
"I'm sorry. I've been trying to find time to talk to you in between hauls…"
She cut him off, "What is it?"
Gavin had a jacket on. It was tan and matched his boots that were covered in dirt. "I love you," he said.
Ray put her hands on her hips. "What did you do?"
"Nothing. I genuinely love you." He got down on one knee and pulled out the ring box from his back pocket. His knuckles were busted and his hands were bruised. "Will you marry me?" Just as she had done with the corsage, Ray smacked it from his hand. Oddly enough, he was half expecting it. He stayed on his knees, looking up at his tormenter. What insanity drove him to care so much for this monster? "Why Ray? Because I actually treat you right?" his voice was soft as if brought to complete exhaustion.
"What did you do?!" she asked again. Her face was straight, her jaw clinched. She stared into his dark eyes, folding her arms across her chest. Her hair was cropped, short and curly.
"Why are you assuming I did something?"
"I can see it, Gavin! And I know you!" she nearly screamed it. "I know you…" she repeated one last time with her teeth clinched together and tears in her eyes.
He shrugged, "I told Andrew never to talk to you again and that he'll never see my daughter as long as I live."
Ray drew in a deep breath and shook her head. "He's in the hospital," she began to pace the floor in anger. "You're crazy! Seriously! You're obsessed with me! I'm scared right now! I've hurt you. I've lied to you. I've used you," she was counting on her fingers as she testified against herself.
"Ray, please." He grabbed her hand to stop her. She snatched it away from him.
"Let go of me!"
He suddenly stood up and grabbed her by her arms, backing her against the wall. "No Ray, I will not let go of you! You know why?" His face was inches away from hers. "Because I am crazy, I am crazy about you! I can't explain it, but every time you do something to piss me off, I feel like you're challenging me. You're seeing how far you can go until I stop loving you, but it's not working. I'm not like your father! I'm not trying to hurt you or leave you, not even after all the shit you put me through. Call me stupid, call me whatever you want, but I'm right here defying logic, because I know deep down you care. You want to know how I can tell?" Ray was silent in his shaking grasp. "You always let me back into your life!"
It was then that the baby began to cry. Gavin released her and strode into the living room where Faith was fussing in her crib. In the gentlest way imaginable, he picked her up and began to rub her back. The warmth that radiated from him kept her cozy against his chest, pacifying her. Ray watched from the front door. She slid down the wall, with her knees drawn to her chest and her head in her hands. Gavin walked over to her with Faith pressed against his chest. "Get out of here, Ray. Leave this place behind and come with me."
She shook her head no and looked up at him "If I didn't think there was a better woman out there for you, I would gladly go."
"There are better women out there just as there are better men, but this concerns none of them. You may not be perfect and neither am I. We both have our faults and if you think me loving you is a fault, then I'm damn proud of it. Will you marry me, Rachelle Marie Cross?" he asked once more.
The baby began to fuss and Ray held out her arms. Gavin handed Faith to her. She unsnapped the top of her shirt and began to nurse. While she did this, Gavin went to pick up the ring box. This time he managed to get it out. He came to sit beside her with his back against the same wall. The ring shimmered in the dim moonlight that shone through the window on the door. "Gavin, promise me, you'll be good to her," Ray requested.
"You have my word," he vowed.
The summer days began to fuse together and Gavin's hair once again became the near color of snow. He got dressed in a black button up and dark blue jeans, and shaved and shined like a new penny. When at last he had put on his pair of nice shiny leather shoes, there was a knock at his door. He swiftly opened it. "Are you done putting on your makeup yet?" Cyndi asked him with light laughter.
"Me? I've been waiting on you! I've had my shoes on for an hour now," he joked. She crossed her arms and looked at him incredulously.
"Got your wallet, your keys, and phone, handsome?"
Gavin patted the front of his jeans. "Yes, but I forgot to shut my bathroom light off."
"Sure you did," she teased. Gavin flew up the stairs and grabbed his wallet, keys, cigarettes, and phone off his bathroom sink. The items were next to a tightly wound dollar bill. He then met her back in front of the doorway. Cyndi placed a gentle hand against his cheek and he allowed the gesture. The warmth of her hand against his cool cheek returned feeling to his seemingly numb flesh. She then pressed her lips against his. They stepped outside together. Her Ford Escape was running and in the back seat were her three kids, Dakota, Alex, and Braxton. They all waved at him and he waved back.
"Seat belt!" they reminded him. He reached over his left shoulder to find that the belt was not there. It was so odd being in the passenger seat of a vehicle. He then reached over to his right shoulder and placed it over his chest.
"How was work?" Cyndi asked.
"It went well. Got a lot done," he said contributing to the small talk. "Did a lot of thinking. I can't believe she's nine today."
"They grow up fast," Cyndi laughed.
"For every year older she gets, I think I worry about the boys she'll bring home in her future more and more. I'm not getting younger, you know? How am I going to keep them away?" Gavin asked. He had one hand on his knee and the other on the arm rest.
"Don't worry Gavin, she's going to be a good girl. As long as you continue to set a good example of being a hardworking man, those other boys won't be able to even live up to her expectations." Cyndi explained.
Gavin smirked at this and shook his head. "I've got some straightening up to do," he quietly told himself.
When at last they reached the bowling alley, they helped the children out of the car and went for the double doors. Since it was so early the place was quite empty with only their party occupying the building. Along with his daughter were his parents, his brothers, sisters-in-law, nieces, and nephews. "Daddy!" Faith ran to him as she saw him walk in. She had a party hat on that had a Lisa Frank character on it.
"Hey kiddo," he leaned down to give her a hug back.
"I'm winning!" she pointed back to her lane and tugged on his arm to show him. He followed obediently and saw the score board.
"Wow! Look at you my little bowler. You should go pro,"
"Watch me daddy! Watch me!" she said excitedly. With the bumpers up, she went and grabbed a nine-pound ball and rolled it slowly down the middle. Although it took about a minute to reach it to the end, sure enough, all the pins fell. She leapt up in the air excitedly and Gavin gave her a high five.
"I want to bowl; I want to bowl!" The other children wailed excitedly behind him. Gavin went to the keyboard and set up a game for them on the next closest lane. When he had finished, the children had already begun their own tournament. The adults were playing another game on their own lane.
"Hey bro," Grant gave him a hug, Graham was on his second turn getting ready to get a spare.
"Hey, where's Bailey?" Gavin asked looking around.
"She went to go pick up the cake," Leah said. "Who's this?" she asked about the woman who stood behind him.
"Forgive my manners. This is my girlfriend Cyndi," Gavin introduced her feeling slightly humiliated with himself. The two women shook hands. "Cyndi, this is my mother Leah, father Mike, two brothers Grant and Graham, and their wives Valerie and Rose." He began to look around not seeing them. "Actually, I don't know where they're at. What did you do, scare them away?" he referred to the two missing wives.
"They went with Bailey to get the cake." Graham said.
"Oh," he looked around at the decorations. Everyone had done their fair share of work. The Lisa Frank theme continued with colorful balloons and napkins. Even the wrapping paper and bags for the gifts were brightly colored characters and animals.
"Help yourselves to some fruit punch," Leah told them. Just as they went to get a drink, they saw the three women walk in. Bailey wore a black skirt and a white blouse with grey heels. The children were too involved with their game which gave the women time to put the candles on the cake and light them.
"Faith!" Bailey called to her excitedly.
The little girl ran towards her in smiles. Gavin hoisted her up onto the raised chair. The other children came to stand around her and everyone began to sing happy birthday. Faith smiled at the sight of her cake and was in slight child embarrassment that she was the center of attention.
When the song was over, she made a wish and then blew out the candles. "Who wants cake?" Bailey asked. She then began to cut it with a cake knife. Valerie handed her plates to put the cake on and Rose distributed them with forks.
"Can I help with anything?" Cyndi asked.
"I think we got it, here take a piece of cake!" Valerie smiled at her.
"Thanks," Cyndi replied and went to her own children to make sure they weren't making too much of a mess. The children all sat together at one table. Leah was busy pouring them cups of fruit punch and handing out napkins. The men were off to the side talking about their semis and Gavin had disappeared for the moment.
With their eyes searching, Cyndi and Bailey made eye contact for an awkward second. Bailey set the cake knife down and deserted her station. "Excuse me," she told Valerie as she headed for the front door.
Coming to stand on the front steps of the building, she saw Gavin outside with a cigarette in his mouth. "Yeah?" he asked turning to face her.
"We're having cake," she said releasing a heavy breath of relief. He stood with one hand in his pocket.
"Alright, I'll be in a moment," he told her shaking his cigarette at her. She smiled sheepishly and turned to go back in.
When she had returned, Faith went to her with her cleaned plate. "Can I open my presents now?" she asked.
Bailey smiled lovingly. "Honey, lets wash your face off first okay," she led the birthday girl to the bathroom and began to clean the chocolate cake from her face as well as the icing with a wet paper towel. "Are you having fun?" Bailey asked.
The girl nodded her head up and down. "I've never seen so many people at my birthday party before!"
Bailey drew the girl into a hug and then kissed her forehead. "You deserve it for being so good. You've been patient and loving."
Faith returned her embrace and the two returned together in smiles. Bailey was fighting tears as Faith hopped in the hot seat to open her presents. First came the cards from those who could not join today. They had sent money and gift cards to toy stores. Bailey helped her read the cards out loud. They came from distant relatives and one came from Cyndi. It was a gift card to a nearby craft store.
When it came to ripping off wrapping paper, the first gift was from Leah. She had got the girl a paint set that included three canvases. From grandpa Mike she got crayons, colored pencils, markers, and a sketch pad. Grant and Valerie gave her a white box that was meant for self-decorating with all her art supplies. Inside of it consisted of scissors, glue, and various stickers. Graham and Rose got her a journal, a notebook, and pens and pencils.
"How did you guys know!?" Faith kept asking. "I love to write and draw! How did you know?"
They all laughed and looked at Bailey who was helping her open them. Gavin was off to the side with his hands in his pockets and a smile pinned to his face.
With the gifts unwrapped, Faith got up from her seat and began to give everyone a hug and thank them in tears. When she reached Gavin, she threw her arms around his waist. "Thanks so much for the party daddy."
He ran his fingers through her long black hair. "You're welcome baby girl. Hey," he leaned down. "There is another gift for you at home, but it was too big for me to bring here."
She shook her head excitedly and went back to the children that were calling her name to come and play with them. Gavin then went to help pick up the mess and trash that all the children had left behind. "Bailey this was really nice," Cyndi came to stand by her, brushing her red curly hair behind her ear.
"I honestly didn't do much." Bailey shrugged. Cyndi smirked smugly at her.
When at last the evening came, the party had moved Gavin's house. Everyone got out of their vehicles followed behind Gavin and Faith up the stairs to her room. "Close your eyes," he told her. The little girl walked into her room and everyone crowded around the door to peer in. "Open!"
Faith's eyes snapped open and her mouth became agape. "Daddy! Did you get this for me?" she asked.
"Yes, it's for all your art supplies. You have your own little work space now," Gavin told her, referring to the large purple desk. It had multiple drawers, painted green, purple, and pink, a built-in lamp, with a cork board, white board, and chalk board within the lit area. Gavin had painted it and put it together himself. It had cabinets for her notebooks and shelves on top. It wasn't as big as Gavin thought it would be, but to Faith it was all the space she needed.
"Thank you, daddy!" she told him, turning around to give him a hug. Grandpa Mike then set all of Faith's art supplies on her bed for her to put away. Leah was steady behind her camera taking photos for the books.
When nightfall came, dinner consisted of hotdogs and hamburgers on the grill. The children ate outside on the patio free to make all the mess they wanted while the adults ate inside around the table, drinking and telling stories.
"We weren't that bad," Graham said, looking at Bailey. She was intrigued by all the stories of their past. It was good to hear the family history.
"Weren't that bad!?" Mike exclaimed. "You were all assholes! Graham, you stole my suburban, backed into a light pole, parked it at home where I left it, and Grant helped you cut a tiny tree and place it against my suburban as if that caused it." The three men began to laugh hard. Gavin was trying to avoid spitting his beer out. He had his hand covering his mouth and his cheeks were red. "We had a gravel drive way! These morons expected me to believe that a tiny tree, not even heavy enough to cause that much damage, spring up beneath the rocks overnight and fell against my car! I woke up and raised so much Hell the next morning!"
"He was so pissed!" Leah placed her head in her hand. "And do you want to know what they snuck the suburban out for? To buy condoms that they blew up like balloons and put them all over house because they heard about their father's vasectomy."
"Ma, is this seriously a true story?" Gavin asked her. His mother nodded her head.
"In my opinion, I should've been the one driving." Grant said in a serious tone. "Graham didn't even know that gas from the break, that's probably why we hit a light pole."
"No! No! You were telling me to pull up closer and I said that if we pulled up any closer, we were going to hit it." Graham argued back.
"Right, so you slammed on the gas, trying to be a smartass and you hit the pole!" Grant reminded him.
Gavin smirked, glancing at Cyndi who sat beside him. She had her legs crossed with a wine glass in her hand. She wore a smile on her face listening carefully. Stories such as these continued into the night. Cyndi was the first to leave and Gavin offered to walk her and her children home. He held her hand as they left his front door and her children followed close behind.
When he returned, the party continued for a couple more hours until all the children were exhausted and expressing to their parents that it was time for bed. It was then that Grant insisted that Faith come and stay with him and his family for the night so they could attend church together the next morning since Gavin refused to go.
When guest had left, including Faith, the house was completely put back together for the most part. The women had made it a point to keep things neat and tidy. The last of Bailey's worries were the party decorations, she noticed as she looked around. She felt empty since Faith had left, but her eyes quickly fell upon Gavin. He was sitting at the table looking down at its surface. His dark eyes glistened for his thoughts resonated somewhere deep.
Bailey came to stand before him. His dark eye lashes lessened the glint of his eyes. "Are you feeling alright?" she asked with concern.
When he tilted his head up, his expression suggested sadness that contrasted his words. "Thank you," he told her.
"It was no problem, Gavin, really," she pointed out. She saw his vain attempt to conceal and preserve his masculine act deteriorate before her. "I don't understand. What's wrong?" She questioned, drawing nearer in an attempt to console him.
The widower then stood. "I couldn't give her what she wanted…" His head shook from side to side. Bailey knew exactly what the little girl had desired all along. She watched as he began to retreat to seclusion.
Just as he made it half way up the stairs, she said, "Please talk to me." He ignored her and proceeded onward. "I can go get Cyndi if talking to her will make you feel better?"
"This has nothing to do with her!" he shouted. "Go home! Faith is gone now," he responded coldly and shut the door behind himself.
In his drunken state, Gavin stumbled into his bathroom. He opened one of the drawers to find two small baggies and poured their contents on the bathroom counter. With his bank card he made a line as straight as his blurred vision would allow and used a rolled-up dollar bill to clean up the white powdery substance. He stood back to look at his reflection. His blonde hair was revoltingly bleached and unkempt. His eyes were dark and bloodshot. He hated the man he had become. With the bill in his right hand, it looked like one of Faith's juice box straws.