"Niiiiice!"
Joseph's voice radiated with approval as he peered through the door's keyhole upon the smooth, shapely back of his master Lisa Lisa. Despite her inexplicably youthful skin, her back rippled with muscle, as each line of sweat she shed in her workout had a well-defined path to follow. The droplets of water from those of Lisa Lisa's wet hair, and those of drool from Joseph's mouth fell to the floor in a bizarrely synchronized harmony. He'd been standing there so long, he was been matching the rhythm with which he stroked his member with that of Lisa Lisa's workout, treating each instant she finished doing a pull-up as a stop on the metronome.
Drip.
A drop of sweat fell into the pool that was forming below her. It probably had more Hamon than he did right now. Clearly had a long way to go.
Drip.
He wiped his mouth. Couldn't be too much of a savage now; he was still British by ethnicity.
Dr-rip…?
Joseph's heart skipped a beat. That wasn't part of the rhythm. Something was wrong.
Something else was dripping. Behind him.
At the speed of ripple, Joseph wheeled around, clackers in hand, channeling all the Hamon in his body, only to be face to face with Suzi Q, Lisa Lisa's maid. She was usually sweet and sociable. Something was off about her. She seemed… unhinged.
"Reveal yourself, enemy! What have you done to Suzi Q?"
Drops of blood pooled at Suzi Q's feet. Like a creature from one of those cheesy body horror movies, one of those vampire things (Pillar Men, they called themselves) from the excavation site emerged from a wound on her back, with Aztec dubstep music inexplicably ringing in Joseph's ears. This one donned headgear with stray curly hair peeking out on either side.
"I got too impatient, Joseph Joestar. How long were you going to keep me waiting? How do you expect to stand up to the likes of Wamuu and Kars if you're spending your time doing… that?" Esidisi gestured at Joseph's Joestar.
"T-this is a part of training!"
"Really? How does this help you?"
Joseph scratched his chin. He'd really dug himself into a hole here.
"You see, Hamon, or ripples, is merely energy that can be propagated through a physical medium. A very potent way to induce ripples in one's body is through s-sexual tension!"
"Is that so? In that case…"
The Pillar Man mysteriously cauterized Suzi Q's wound, then tossed her limp body to Joseph.
"Doesn't your Hamon heal people too? Go on, resuscitate her. Then you can utilize this Hamon power you talk about. Let's see if it helps you defeat me."
"Wait, why does Hamon heal people?"
"How do you expect to last for 7 more seasons if you don't even have a healing skill?"
"True, I HAVE always wanted a doctor of some sort for a son. I don't think you need Hamon for that though, I doubt it'll be relevant after next season."
"What?"
"Ah fuck it, just give me my plot armor."
Through the power of plot convenience, Suzi Q sputtered to life. "What's going on? My back hurts worse than Bucciarati's from carrying Golden Wind, and WHY ARE YOU NAKED?"
Joseph composed himself. "No time to explain. We need to eliminate this threat. Please work with me."
Suzi Q nodded, terrified of the mysterious, unreasonably muscular Aztec who was sobbing for some reason.
"Why does everyone hate on Giorno so much? You're such a hater! I'll enjoy killing you!"
Unfortunately, she had no idea what she had just gotten herself into.
Joseph shoved his Hamonica into her, only to immediately pull it back out, and gawking at the blood it was now covered in.
"Oh, you were a virgin?"
"No, you idiot! It's not that type of blood…"
Joseph's eyes widened. "Wait, who was your first time then?"
"Oh, Lisa Lisa has a thing for pegging. You might want to keep that mind before spying on her again."
Joseph gulped. "But wait, then-!"
"Ahem!" Esidisi was getting impatient, already preparing to shower then with boiling hot blood. Joseph had to think of something, and fast.
"I have a plan. Just play along."
Joseph continued his onslaught on her snatch, much to her dismay. This was not how she expected her first time with a man to be. She especially did not expect this to be a threesome?
Esidisi had materialized behind Joseph, who screamed at the top of his lungs when the Pillar Man entered his Tequilussy.
"Serves him right, he looked too good in that serving wench outfit!"
It was cathartic for a split second before the pain settled back in. Esidisi seemed to be matching Joseph's thrusts, making him thrust even harder into her. Like a cursed conga line, the floor below them was soon covered in blood, sweat and tears.
"E-esidisi, what are you doing? This wasn't part of the deal!"
"I said you could charge up your Hamon. I never said I'd let you do it for free. Besides, isn't this helpful? I even put a ring on you, were already practically engaged", boomed Esidisi, humming an American song Suzi'd never heard before, but vaguely remembered from the President of the country in that horse race. The tempo was electric, sending shockwaves through the human contraption their bodies were forming.
"Esidisi, we should switch positions", yelled Joseph.
"Too bad, JoJo. I'm the alpha here."
"Not if Hamon has something to say about it."
The figurative shockwaves became literal in an instant, as Joseph clenched his buttcheeks, sending Hamon ripples through the sweat on his body before flipping backwards with all might. The result was a bleeding stump between Esidisi's legs, changing him from a Pillar Man to a Fountain Man.
"GAH! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!"
"I told you! Your Asstec technique stands no chance against Lisa Lisa's school of Hamon!"
"You fools, this isn't over!"
Esidisi grabbed the pair of Joseph and Suzi Q out of midair, dragging them toward his bleeding stump, which was now steaming, melting the marble tiles underneath it. Joseph saved them, locking his legs around Esidisi's face, squashing Suzi's hips across his face.
"THAT WON'T SAVE YOU, JOJO! IN FACT, YOU JUST MADE MY JOB EASIER!"
Esidisi's nose began spraying out blood due to prolonged contact with Suzi Q. As expected of a supposed romantic who had been locked away for centuries; at the end of the day he was really just an incel. The brief disgust on her face soon turned into excruciating pain as she was burned. To her surprise, though, Esidisi matched her shrieks with even louder screams of his own. In fact, she soon felt fine, if anything she felt more powerful than ever. It was the same sensation Lisa Lisa and Caesar were always talking about.
Before Esidisi could say anything, Joseph interjected.
"Your next line is: How could this be? I'm not supposed to get burned by my own blood!"
"HOW COULD THIS-wait what?"
"You fool. That isn't your blood."
Joseph had taken advantage of Suzi Q's menstrual cycle, using her as a conduit for his Hamon. That's why she wasn't hurt by Esidisi's nasal blood; Joseph was healing her and attacking Esidisi at the same time. It was ingenuous for sure, if a little unorthodox.
"Suzi. Show me what you did to that watermelon", Joseph announced. Suzi Q knew exactly what to do, and had never felt so powerful.
In seconds, she crushed Esidisi's melting brains with her shredded thighs, leaving them on top of his carcass, covered in blood, sweat and… cum?
"Joseph what the fuck!"
"Sorry, there was something weirdly erotic about the situation."
"Jeez. You better get married to me now, I'm not about to father a child for a bum."
Joseph gulped, but nodded. Suddenly, Lisa Lisa slid down from the ceiling. Suzi Q hastily covered herself, before realizing this was tame compared to what Lisa Lisa used to make her do.
"Well done, JoJo. You've passed my instruction with flying colors."
Huh?
"I was watching you. Very ingenious, using Suzi Q like that to defeat the vampire. Maybe I'll make a Hamon master out of you yet."
Suzi Q silently vowed to murder Lisa Lisa in her sleep before slinking off to get cleaning materials to get rid of the corpse. Joseph tried to slip away too, before being stopped by Lisa Lisa with a diabolical look about her.
"So, I heard someone was having a lot of fun peeking through eyeholes." She got into a fighting stance.
Holy shit, Joseph. Holy shit indeed.